I finished what I think is the rewrite for this pilot I've been working on today. It's only the 22nd of December. In my mind, I should be working, working, working away until the 31st and then picking back up on the 1st. That's completely silly and ridiculous. I need a break! But I don't know when to turn off.
I'm in Portland with my family starting tomorrow until the 30th. That will be my time to turn off. If I have more work to do on the script, then it will happen when I get back. But for the next week, all I have to do is lay around the house, play with the munchkins, watch Pippi Longstocking movies with them and start my binge watching. It's time for some time away. I look forward to these family holiday trips every year to Portland. I love that they've become a tradition.
This year has been incredibly productive and I'm really grateful for it. I wrote a bunch this year and that's kind of amazing. I'm looking forward to new challenges next year and I need to get other areas of my life in order. The funny thing is, at least for the first four months of the year, I'll be really busy with the writing. I'll also be teaching and I really want to lose 20 pounds. I want to have more of a fitness routine back in my life. I think that would be good for me.
As I reflect on this year and the good that came from it, I feel like I have laid a foundation for things to happen in 2016. Maybe that's wishful thinking. Maybe that's bullshit. Or maybe it's self-knowledge and faith in the universe. Who knows? But it's what's getting me out of bed in the morning. It's what makes me hopeful for the day. I'm hoping to use this week to recharge. This is the first time I've been back to Portland since I almost moved there this summer. It's so crazy to think that I would be living there right now and I would have uprooted my whole life if I had gotten this job. And I of course would have taken it because that would have been the thing to do. But it would have been the wrong thing and I think the month of rain would have depressed me. I never would have finished the play in the way I needed to. I never would have written these two additional scripts that I wrote in the past three months. I never would have started a new play. And I wouldn't still have my support system here.
2016 could bring about a lot of changes. I've only applied to teaching jobs out of state. I don't even fucking remember where I applied at this point. I'm looking to get new representation at the top of the year. That could change a lot. There are a lot of unknowns. But that's exciting. Not knowing what's coming. I'm trying to embrace it. I feel like a lot of what I went through since my Dad died is starting to come to fruition. Now I find out if my instincts were right. I took a lot of time to figure stuff out. More than I thought I would. And I'm not ashamed of that or regretful. I never wanted to retreat from things or runaway. I thought I would get back to "normal life" a lot sooner. But now the normal I knew is not the same normal. I've changed. Maybe 2016 will be the fruition of that change.
I'm looking to take some of that equity I've built up and using it. It has been a wild five years since the beginning of that change. I'm a big fan of segments of time. So maybe the last five years were about something and the next chapter is beginning. It certainly feels like the energy is setting me up for things to be happening at the top of the year. I've got a new adventure with teaching this class in San Diego and getting back to a regular teaching schedule. I am looking for a new professional team to get me to the next level. But what's the next level? There's a "new normal" in town. All of the things that I used to want before mean something different now. I need to be creating a life that brings me closer to my boyfriend not pull us away. I have a life as well as ambitions. So how do I marry the two?
I also have this play that I wrote that is now getting exposed to the world. There might be a life out there for it. I've got a new play I'm working on that's incredibly personal. And I have a reading of an older play that I wrote two years ago coming up in April and I've got to rewrite that in March. I'm working with three theatre companies in town, which makes me extremely happy. Two months ago, I had no idea what this coming year would bring. And then I had a thought of giving myself a new challenge every month. And even that's a new normal. It's not about trying to chase the dragon or be competitive. But it's about rising to a new challenge. I got a lot done over the past two years and now I want to see what else is out there. I know that I can write five new things one year and then three things that I've worked on a little more intensely the next. So can I write and rewrite and have five polished scripts the following? Or can I have a regular job and still have time for my own writing? Those are the challenges I'd like to give myself. Can I have balance? Can I continue to make time for fitness and for relationships and for a social life?
Right after my Dad died, I thought that one day I would get back to "normal life." I knew that things would start making sense again. I knew that I'd "get off the hamster wheel" and then have to get on again. I hoped it would mean something different. I hoped that it would prioritize things for me in a different way. And it turns out that it did. But I wanted it to happen the day after he died. Or six months later. Or, at the longest, a year later. I didn't know that it would take me as off course as it did. I realize now that I had to go that off course. I've had people in my life wonder why it has been this long. I understand that. But this is my journey and I had to go on it. I don't regret it. Like I said before, at no time did I ever feel like I was just retreating or running away. I felt like I was running toward something, but I didn't know what, which meant that I was running for a long time. It's not that I have some destination in mind now. But I know what challenges I want to set before myself. I know that I want to be challenged and the challenges seem to be leading me towards something.
Listen, it's confusing for people when they hear you say that you're going to take time for yourself. It seems irresponsible. But it's also irresponsible to lose yourself. I had surrendered myself to the needs of others. I had a gift I wasn't using. And now I am using it. This year I've discovered things about myself that I didn't know. I became a kind of writer I didn't know I was capable of being. I wanted to be great in order to say that I was great or for people to respect me. But I was less interested in the work being good or making a contribution. It was all ego. That was the journey I was on. I needed validation because I felt like the world owed me. Now I love writing and I write. I hope people get exposed to it, but I can't control that. Also, I wanted it all for the wrong reasons.
I'm going to teach next year and I'm excited about it. I planned out my syllabus and did some thinking on it. But then I put it down. I have an idea of what I want to do, but my priority is writing. My priority is my creative work. So I will teach and I will work around my creative work, but I'm not going to stop writing for three months because of my teaching schedule. I can't. I've got actual things that are due. And I'm asking people to depend on me, so I have to show up. I have a responsibility to the people who will eventually be my representatives. I have responsibility to the theaters who are working with me next year. I have to make it all work because the work is exciting to me. I also need to do the internal work and continue my meditation practice and my need to have quiet time. I need to make time for personal space as things get exponentially busier.
As we close out this year and this Q4 of 2015, I have taken stock. I have been grateful for everything that happened this year and I look forward to the great unknown. I look forward to a stage that has been set. And I am deeply and truly thankful.
I am thankful for the three projects I wrote this year.
I am grateful that actors, directors, dramaturges and artistic directors trusted me this year.
I am grateful for the work that came out of the struggle.
I am grateful for the encouragement I felt this year.
I am grateful for the love that continues to grow.
I am grateful for the ability to be unafraid to keep pushing.
I am grateful for the natural cycle of life that happens when we pursue what's in our heart.
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