Rebuilding

Last week, when I was feeling low, I decided to count how many pages I had written this year so far. It was 1781. Now the number's up to 1820 or so. I didn't count blog posts in that, which would probably amount to closer to 1900 or more. When I think about how much I was writing during those years when I was working and in a difficult relationship, I'm astounded. But as I reflect on the end of this year, I have to look back to how I got to this place.

After my Dad got sick and I had to stop what I was doing to help out the family, I started over. I don't think I knew that's what I was doing. But I leveled the house I was living in and started from the ground up.

When I was helping take care off him, I would sit by the TV and write. Writing became survival for me. I had to write to maintain a grip on my sanity. I had given so much to everyone else, that I had to claim something for myself. This is what I recently relayed to a close friend of mine whose mother is dying. I had to go back to the source of why I used to write stories. I had to give voice to the things that were going unspoken. As a fifteen year old, I wrote about my boy crush on the blond bad boy across the street who probably didn't even know my name. I wrote to understand the world around me. I didn't write to get a job. I didn't write to please a manager. I didn't write to become famous or respected. I wrote because I had secrets and I had to let them out. When I wrote while my Dad was in the other room slowly dying for a year, my writing became my sanctuary. It kept me afloat. It felt pure again.

And it's not like I was writing the great American novel. It's not like I was even writing the great American play. I wrote a pilot about a group of second-wave feminists in their 60s and 70s who were great friends. That drama eventually became a comedy. But even that I wrote quickly. I still love that script. I wrote things that meant something to me. Then I wrote plays that meant something to me and when my Dad eventually died, I felt like I had at least kept my life going. It wasn't like I stopped everything and then had to learn how to pick it up again.

I wanted to get back on the horse. I wanted to write through it all. There was only a six week period where I didn't write. I couldn't. I wanted to, but I needed to give myself time. Then in that first year, I kept wanting to get back on the horse. My friend Caitlin mentioned to me that I needed to grieve. She assured me that when I was ready to get back on the horse, people would be there for me. Eventually, I fired my managers because I needed to write from an authentic place again. I didn't want to hear these voices that were going to make me self conscious. I needed to know what was a good script and what felt right for me.

Then I decided I would just focus on writing every day. I would have scripts I needed to work on, but I didn't want to focus on goals, per se. I wanted to focus on writing. In February I wrote a full-length play. In March I wrote a new pilot from scratch. In May I rewrote the play. I rewrote the pilot. I started work on another script that took me through June. In August, I found out that I could apply to the Sundance Screenwriters Lab for an Asian-American fellowship. In October, I decided to write a new pilot. I wrote five scripts in one year and felt incredibly accomplished. I now know that I wrote about 1000 pages.

This year I wrote a new play in eight months with countless drafts. I wrote a new pilot in October. I wrote another pilot in November and rewrote the October pilot. I started a new play. Suddenly, from having one script all year by September, I had three full scripts by the end of November. And now having done my own thing for almost two years, I realize it's time to get back in contact with the world and to get new representation. After all of this time, would I be ready to start the rat race again? Would I be the same person in that rat race as I was before. My thought says no.

When I look at the scripts I've written in the past four years, I think about the writer I used to be. I'm more the writer I want to be now. I have three new plays. I have five new pilots. I have a new screenplay. I wrote two new spec scripts. A lot of it was trial and error. Some of it was really bad and will never see the light of day. But it has made me better. Just the repetition of doing it over and over again has made me better. Not every script you hit "outta the park." That's impossible. Some of them you just write because you need to write them and they never see the light of day. They are just transitions for you to get from A to B. I've always been productive, but before I was still writing for others. This is scary. To think that you know what you should be doing. It's taking a big risk and a step out. But I have to take those steps. I was good when I worked at giving other writers notes. I'm still good at that with my friends. But I had to start over. It was necessary.

I'm excited about writing again. I'm not thinking about what's commercial because my work should be commercial. It speaks honestly.

I am grateful for sleep.
I am grateful for Top Chef.
I am grateful for fun.
I am grateful for talks.
I am grateful for support.