I spent most of this week teaching and working on my syllabus for next semester for a class I'm teaching down in San Diego. I'm excited to be teaching and it should be a lot of fun. But I had papers to grade and a lot of work to do. I even had the drives up and back to think about stuff. I was even up until 5 in the morning the other day reading scripts and working on other work. I could have spent that time writing! It would have been perfect.
So the Universe gives me another night like that: alone, quiet, ominous…and I can't get my shit together. Then I think that maybe I should just work on my play and suddenly the thought of that seems easy. And maybe just the thought of the thought of working on a play seems easy to me right now. So I think about why it's harder to work on a TV pilot right now than a play. I had some thoughts.
- I've been working most of the year on a play and maybe that's why it feels easier.
- I have no expectations of the play at this point (the new one, not the old one--the play I worked on all year I have plenty of expectations of, which is why I'm working on a new one to distract me).
- Why is this so hard? I wrote two new pilots in October and November. I made it this far. Why can't I go the extra mile?
Then I remembered…it's always the hardest as I'm hitting the home stretch. It's always that way for me. I forgot that before the final reading of my play in September, I thought of just quitting and never finishing. The thought seriously crossed my mind. All the scenarios of getting this far and not being good enough whisked through my head. All of those feelings of self-doubt started getting louder and louder and louder. I kept looking for more and more things to distract me because I was scared.
Oh yeah: FEAR. It's back.
It never really left, but it just popped up like the Red Devil on Scream Queens to finally put the nail in the coffin. That reminds me…who's the killer on Scream Queens. I need to check that out. I didn't get to watch it on Tuesday because I was teaching. Oh well…anyway. FEAR. And what is that fear? Let's see if I can articulate it.
Okay, I just found out who the killer was on Scream Queens. See? It's that sort of FEAR that's distracting me from the main purpose of this blog. Okay, back on track:
- For me, the fear starts with not knowing if I can write a captivating hour of television. I need to get over that.
- It's setting up these expectations of what this all has to mean for me.
- It's the fear that I'm going to put in all of this effort and no one's going to bite.
- It's the fear that I suck.
- It's also a comfort zone issue. Teaching has become a comfort zone. I know I do it well. Plays are fucking hard, but this year they became a comfort zone.
But I also have to remember that going into writing my play this year, I had all the same fears. I didn't know how it would turn out. I didn't know that I would find something I wanted to write about and then put so much passion into it. I didn't know that I could be firing on all cylinders writing this new play. But I came out being a better writer than before.
Yes, I want to be working on this new play because it's another play that's deeply personal and I like to work in that milieu. But I also want to prove to myself that I can write a strong pilot. I seem to have just the right amount of confidence and self-assuredness. But when it comes down to taking it all the way, I have a hard time with that. I think I did a much harder thing with the play this year in terms of subject and structure. It's a bigger feat. Then why is writing a TV pilot filled with so much more self-doubt? Maybe it's because I'm doing it by myself. I wrote the play with the support of a bunch of other people. When I was writing it, I knew that it had a home in terms of its development. I had the support of a theatre and that made it much easier to write. I felt safe. I don't feel safe writing this TV pilot. I feel like I'm subjecting myself to the wolves again.
I tried to do this before and it didn't work. I got close (kind of). I had a lot of almosts and maybes. And that was the process that took me away from myself. I had a lot of self-doubt about who I am as a writer and that's the reason I stepped away from it. So why try to write for TV now?
- I have stories to tell.
- I've got the skills.
- I'm not the writer I was four years ago.
- I'm not the person I was four years ago. I'm stronger. I know myself better.
- I want to.
I'm scared of it, though. I'm scared of the failure. But I'm also scared of willingly subjecting myself to something I know is destructive. I'm going with the theory that I'm different, so my reaction will be different. That is up to me. But will the same insecurities plague me? Probably. But when I say I'm not the same writer I was four years ago, that's absolutely true. The plays I have to show are different. They're deep and complex emotionally. Two were written before my Dad died. Two were written after and you can tell the different. The pilots I have to show are different. I have two pilots from the old era to show. One is about funerals. They are "sad coms." Then the three I will have to show that are one-hour soaps are vastly different as well. One's a family drama. One's an over the top soap. And one's a period drama. I am not just different because I say I'm different. I'm different because the material is different. And that's the only place it matters. My personal life's journey doesn't matter to anyone but me and my close clan. I"m not a kid writing gay plays and sitcoms. I'm a more mature writer in a lot of ways. And I deserve a seat at the table. I'm talented enough and I'm interesting enough. I shouldn't have a problem there. I'm also not as agreeable as I used to be. And I think that might serve me well too. When you're too nice, people tend to take advantage of you. I'm not trying to be nice to anyone. I'm pleasant and sweet and cute. But I'm not going to kiss your ass. I think that might be the key difference that's important. If people think they don't have to pay you and still can get the value out of you, they will.
I'm a man. I'm sensitive and I'm agreeable. But unfortunately we still live in a homophobic and misogynistic world. So anything that reads as feminine isn't taken as seriously. That's not fair. And we have to work to change that. But to be aware of that is important. To be seen as subservient in any way is a kiss of death. And I was that guy. I was a professional assistant in life. I'm not going to do that anymore. That's what I've learned over these four years. I'm assertive and I have to be. People might like me better if they feel they can take advantage of me, but they won't respect me. And I didn't get that for a long time. The guy who would have gotten there five or six years ago would have been a permanent second class citizen. Not this guy. This guy isn't a push over. He's got a big loving heart. But he doesn't have to let everyone know. I know that seems like a cynical point of view. But I know what runs this town. And until I get to run this town--or at least my own writers room--then I've got to maneuver for survival.
I'm feeling better. I don't know why. But I feel better and more capable.
I am grateful for the ability to write.
I am grateful that I can be an asshole.
I am grateful that I see the good in others.
I am grateful that people see the good in me.
I am grateful for my life's adventures.
I am grateful for what I have learned.
I am grateful for a quiet night and the wind outside to keep me company.
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