Confidence

What's wrong with being confident?

Never thought I'd start a blog post by quoting a Demi Lovato song. But I have been thinking lately that if it's okay for me to beat myself up, then what's the harm in being confident? Every once in a while. God knows I couldn't handle it 24/7.

Confidence is overrated sometimes. But it's also hard to come by. I'm not naturally the most confident person. Mostly, I find myself needing to take the fetal position. And lately, I have had to spend the whole day by myself in order to stomach being social. Isn't that weird? I never had to do that before. When I was younger, I was so desperate for friends that when I got them finally I wanted to be out and about and social all of the time. I loved being a spectacle and saying crazy things for the sake of saying crazy things.

I don't have that impulse any more. I went and spent three hours at a spa before having to go to a housewarming party and then to an opening of a play. Maybe it's because I spent five years being the arm candy to a guy and having to go to parties all of the time. I recently have seen some Facebook posts and I have flashbacks to a former life. I'm glad I'm not there now. I love being social when I have to be. And then I love being totally quiet and reclusive the rest of the time. I enjoy my quiet time.

I thought I had to have unequivocal confidence in order to be happy or to be successful. We all carry the burden of insecurity. Sometimes it is a catalyst. Sometimes it's the cross that we bear. It honestly just depends on the day. Even despite my outward insecurities as a kid, I had something in myself that knew I was good. I have old friends from high school who said that I never carried myself like I was unsure of myself. That's peculiar because the inner turmoil I felt said something different. I have learned to be symbiotic with my insecurities. I'm never going to get rid of them. I had a huge bout of fear yesterday.

There are various sayings that say if something scares you you should do it. Actors are always interviewed saying, "Do the thing that scares you." I watch Inside the Actors Studio and that's what most of the actors say. They take a part because it scares the hell out of them. Yesterday, my boyfriend said something to me about a step I should take in my career and it scared the fuck out of me. This whole life scares the hell out of me sometimes. But that's when I know I should do it. Risk and change is good. But nothing that changes your life is smooth. Change by its very nature is disruptive. There is no smooth transition in changing one's life. Whether that change is death or something major happening. So the fear is good because it means I've reached a place where I need to push. Or where I am being pushed.

It's scary to take a step forward and to have a spotlight on oneself. I don't enjoy it. But having a spotlight is necessary to bring attention to one's self and one's work. I have the inner confidence of being secure in my work (sometimes). I know I'm talented. Now that doesn't mean I feel secure even a majority of the time. But I know I'm worthy enough to be standing where I am standing. But being an artist is such a mind fuck and such a playground for insecurity that it's an impossible life if you're a constant mess. So there needs to be something that holds it together, but you have to be emotional enough and open enough to let things in. I often mind myself on the brink of tears on a daily basis. And I'm cool with that. It means I have complete access to my feelings, which is imperative to do what I do and to be who I am.

Tomorrow I have a party to go to where I will have to be "on" for about four hours. I will be spending the day quiet and alone.

I am grateful for feelings.
I am grateful for encouragement.
I am grateful for true friendship and support.
I am grateful for good things.