2016 Intention: Better Communication in my Relationship

I could say "I want better communication in all of my relationships." Because I think it extends beyond my relationship with my boyfriend. My brother and I had a huge fight when I was visiting and I fully engaged with him in the struggle of who's going to win. My relationship with my father growing up was about who was going to win the argument. Someone needs to be right, which makes the other person wrong by default. That's how I learned to communicate, by being defensive and angry.

I have taken that into my relationship with me. And it's how my family communicates. It's a constant tug of war over who needs to be wrong so someone can be right. It's exhausting and unnecessary. This is a byproduct of how we were raised and I want it to end. I carry it and it has been destructive to my relationship. But when my brother and I get together and we engage in that dynamic, it gets nasty fast. It gets elevated. And it gets serious. I didn't like that argument. I didn't like that I went there. And I didn't like that I ended up convulsing in tears because it took me back to a place that was very hurtful. And it proved that if someone makes themselves the winner, then someone will be the loser. And in that situation, in tears, I was the loser. Of that game.

But I won't apologize or feel bad for being vulnerable and showing that. Vulnerability's big for me. It's a hard hurdle to jump over. And I just showed myself, however that got interpreted. But bringing it back to communication, it's important for me to listen. Just as important as it's important for me to be heard. Sometimes I feel like that's not the case and I go to a deep place immediately when I feel like I am not being listened to. It's a deep sensitive subject for me.

I want to have better communication with my boyfriend. I hope that's something we can build on. It would be nice to connect to each other in a way that feels good for both of us.

I am grateful for my vulnerability.
I am grateful for the person I am becoming.
I am grateful for the friends around me who support that.
I am grateful for the love I have in my life.
I am grateful that I have a boyfriend who support me.