I've spent the past three weeks on set realizing a dream come true. I'm watching my first episode of television unfold in front of me. It's a feeling of accomplishment, for sure. But to sit in that moment, in that chair, behind the monitor with my headset on and watch words I wrote come alive through performances and camera angles is a pure sense of joy. I sit firmly in my seat knowing that I belong there and I am perfectly grounded and stable. I still have one more day of production, plus another week on the second episode of TV I've written.
My showrunner has left me alone on set. We rewrote some scenes together since I was the only other writer on set. I knew that being on set would teach me a lot, but I had no idea how much it would teach me and I didn't know how quickly I would catch on. I also had no idea that it would feel as comfortable as it does. Sometimes you think you want something and then it happens and you realize that it wasn't the thing you wanted at all.
I was listening to a podcast of a writer talking about how quickly everything happened for him and that he's got the constant fear that it's all going to be taken away from him as quickly as it happened. I did not have that experience. This has been a long time in coming. I have taken incremental steps to get here. So I feel very much like I've worked hard for this. I don't feel like any of this is a fluke or luck. It's hard fucking work and I know it won't be taken away as quickly as it came. Because it did not come quick.
As I sit on stage, behind my director and script supervisor, I know I'm supposed to be there. As they turn to me and ask me if that shot's okay, if we got everything we needed - I realize that I'm an authority on set. In the same way, I realized that I was an authority in the classroom when I started teaching. There's a time where you start to claim what you know. And in order to be a leader, you have to claim the things you know and trust your instincts.
Yesterday, my showrunner needed to take the day to be with her daughter and by that point she trusted me to be on set with the director. Besides, our executive would be there to supervise if I needed anything. Turns out that our exec was in meetings most of the day. When she came back to check in, everything seemed like it was being taken care of. So she let early, right before the big scene of the day, the last shot of the day.
I felt that pressure. And I felt that trust. We had some moments to get in and an alternate line to make sure we captured. This scene had a ton of extras and we needed them to be riled up. It wasn't working. We weren't saying the right things to them and I didn't think I could just go in and start telling people exactly what I wanted. I needed to follow protocol. I communicated with our director and he told me that we might not get what we were hoping to get. I stood there firm. I didn't argue. I didn't dispute. But I knew we weren't getting what we needed. Then our AD stepped in and said he'd be in the background getting the crew motivated. And he did. We got the shot, thank goodness.
Then it came time to do the alternate line. We chose to shoot it from a different angle than we shot the original line, even though we also got the original line in this shot as well. The way we shot the alternate line gave it greater impact without the language. As I drove home, I realized something. We "sat chilly" and "waited for the shot." Sitting chilly is a term I learned from Steven Pressfield in his book Turning Pro. It refers to that feeing of being in your seat and being cool. Not freaking out because of high expectation. Wait for the moment, know that it's coming. And waiting for the shot has two meanings here. We literally waited for the right shot to shoot that line. It came and it was great. But the other thing that I need to remind myself is that I need to wait for my shot, my opportunity, and to sit chilly knowing that it's coming.
The day before I had a moment where I had a minor freak out that an opportunity had passed me by. I've been developing a project and I'm not sure if it's still alive. In another life, I would have been fraught with worry and concern and that would have affected my behavior on set every day sitting next to our exec who is also overseeing the project I'm working on. I probably would have been nervous or withdrawn or standoffish or hesitant to fuck up. I was on set and focused, sitting chilly and being present. I can't say if this other thing is going to happen. But what I can say is that she left knowing that I was the writer/producer on set and going to get the job done. If she had reason not to trust me because of the other project, then she wouldn't have left me alone. Now I can't put meaning into any of it. I just have to be happy that I got the job done and that everyone likes working with me. My director came up to me afterwards and complemented me on both of my episodes, bits of which we filmed that day. Then he said that he really liked working with me. So I while I was worried about my performance on the job and how that was being reflected the day before, yesterday I realized that I'm fully capable of whatever lies ahead for me. And I might have instilled more confidence and made a bigger case for myself as a show creator. Regardless of how that's seen by other people, I needed to know that. I needed that knowledge for myself moving forward.
That attitude will carry with me when I'm on set Monday and when I'm in the rehearsal room on Monday and Tuesday nights working on my new play in a developmental workshop. Then that building sense of confidence will come back on set the following week when I'm working on the finale episode that I also wrote. At the end of that week, it'll be clear that I'm ready to run a show. For me, more than anyone else. I might have been able to fake it, but now I know I won't need to "fake it till I make it." I've got the goods, no need to fake it.
My intention is to create a show.
My intention is to work hard.
My intention is to create a great work environment.
My intention is to keep going and not look to see who's behind me.
My intention is to do my best.
My intention is to be a fair, open-hearted, open-minded boss.
I am grateful for the work relationships I am building.
I am grateful for the community I am creating.
I am grateful for the work I am creating.
I am grateful for the life I get to live.
I am grateful for the joy in my heart that's expressed while I work.
I am grateful for the focus I have.
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