I Have No Idea about 2017

I'm not a big fan of making resolutions.
Or of setting goals.
Or of weighing myself.

As the New Year rolls around in a couple of days, people are putting their lists together of the things they need to do starting in January. My gym will be crowded and then empty again by the middle of the month. Not me. I worked out three times this week. I've been sitting down to get my work done. I'm doing the work I always do. Now this isn't some sort of enlightened, holier than thou way of looking at things. It's practical. Because work is labor. It's not a grandiose ideal. It's not a pipe dream. It's blood, sweat and tears. And that's not romantic.

This year, I learned that message the most by working on the show. We had deadlines when things needed to be turned in and those deadlines were defined by production schedules and money. The old saying goes, "It's not finished when it's done, but when it's time." Something like that. I learned how to be less precious with my work. It's a great lesson for productivity.

My friend Molly and I met up for drinks last night. She had just read Turning Pro and was enamored of its lessons. It had struck a chord in her and we talked about it at great length. It has shaped my work ethic in ways that keep me on top of things. In order to be successful, I believe, you need to produce. And film/TV production teaches you that lesson better than play production. As it goes, theatres want to do free readings, workshops and other developmental work that doesn't often lead to production. Therefore you have writers who have no experience of the rigor of production. That rigor makes you better. Forcing yourself to get something done because you're going into previews or production teaches you like nothing else can. Working in TV has made me a better playwright because I get revisions done faster. It's our natural way to want something to be good. And the pressure of making something great still exists. But in TV, it has to be great and fast. And fast is more important than great.
Slow is not an option. Slow and great means nothing.

I'm wandering around a lot here. Back to not making resolutions - I don't like to set myself up for failure. People feel that goal setting is productive and it makes you work towards something. But what happens in life is often what isn't planned, so setting a goal for something you have no control over feels like a losing battle. All you can do is work and work consistently. If you work on something enough, you get it done. It ends eventually. But looking at page count, or number of scripts written, or a number on a scale might not feel the way that the work feels. Working out feels great. Writing feels great. Saving the day's work feels great. But when I try and compare it to the weight I should be at or the pages I should have written that day or month or year, I will always be let down. However, when I go back over the year and count the number of pages I got done after I've been working, I can see that I was more productive than I realized. But if I said, I need to get three plays written this year, I put pressure on myself that feels unachievable. Yet, if I just focus on the work that day, eventually I'll get those scripts all written - and maybe even more.

I haven't done my yearly count of pages yet. But I think it's somewhere in the neighborhood of 1400-1500. And I think I've done six scripts. I didn't know I'd write two episodes of TV or that I would do a rewrite of two pilots. I didn't know that I'd have a new play done or that I'd start a new play. So that brings me to the title of this post -

I have no idea about 2017. 

I don't know what I'll accomplish or what wonderful things will happen. I know that I'm at work on January 3rd. Beyond that, I have no clue what awaits me. I'm supposed to have this pilot done soon. And I know that I'm trying to write four pilots this year - yes, I know what I said about not setting a number. But I'm have ideas for a bunch of pilots and I'm just going to start and see how far I get. I have a schedule - one each quarter. But a lot of things could happen between now and then. I have the new play to work on. As long as I'm working, I'm fine.

This year, I worked on what I called "The Year of Challenges." I was going to do a new challenge every month. And I ended up working roughly on that schedule because of work. Some months I wrote nothing. Other months I wrote two or three things. It's not important that I got a script done a month. The important thing was that I sat down to write - and I did. So that's all I can commit to. I can give myself a frame work of four pilots. And I know that beyond that I have a play or two I want to write next. I started the first play. The second play idea is there when it's time.

I have no idea about this next year because 2016 was so good about surprising me. I had no idea about the WGA or the TV gig or the theatre company or the new play or how much better the break up would make me feel.  And that worked out real well.

So…2017? Bigger? Better? More?

Who knows?

My intention is to breathe.
My intention is to keep typing.
My intention is to keep my eyes and ears open.
My intention is to grow and expand.
My intention is to question and wonder.
My intention is to be delighted.

I am grateful for the time away from LA.
I am grateful for the hook ups I've had since being in Portland.
I am grateful for sweet souls.
I am grateful for friend catch ups.
I am grateful for family catch ups.
I am grateful for love.
I am grateful for dancing nephews.
I am grateful for musician nephews.
I am grateful for smart nieces.

Where I'm Going

I've been in Portland for a few days with my brother, our mom and his family to hang and be together. I've had a lot of play time with the niece and nephews. We've danced around the house a lot and made tamales and open presents and taken silly pictures. I always feel like I recharge whenever I'm here. I'm also incredibly reflective when I'm here over the holidays. Last year, my brother and I had it out in a serious conversation. And in this past year, I've made some leaps and bounds in my career. I've also grown as a person who feels comfortable in his own skin.

And a lot of that has to do with work. I've worked a lot and learned a lot while working. So while I've grown a lot in these twelve months, I look ahead to 2017 and think about where I'm going.

I have papers to grade this week because I start work right when I get back to town. I'm probably going to be doing some work while I'm in Portland because we have some extra prep to do. I love getting back to work. I love being busy. I love having stuff to do and I love having a strict schedule. I've been very good on my own, but having the discipline of being on a show helps me a lot. I'm actually more productive with my own stuff while I'm working on shows. I don't have time to slack. Of course, I end up being exhausted beyond belief when everything's said and done. But it's where I thrive.

In January, I get back to work. I'm possibly teaching two classes and I'm producing a reading for my theatre company. I'm hitting all of the areas of my life that bring me joy and sustain me. I'm working professionally. I'm teaching professionally. And I'm working with my professional theatre company on projects.What I learned last year is that I'm fully capable of juggling projects and keeping busy. But what is it that I'm spending my time doing and what am I gaining? Those are the questions that I think about as I head into this next year of growth and expansion.

I spent 2014 and 2015 being super productive and writing a total of about 3000 pages. I spent 2016 making money. And what about the next year? I want to write and produce television. Period. I have a long term goal of directing for theatre and TV once I have a show of my own to run. And what am I doing to achieve that goal? I am directing a workshop in June. I am getting more experience writing and producing on our show. I want to parlay that into the projects I am working on myself. I have to finish my pilot I've been working on so that I can close out the year and have a fresh clean slate. This year changed me as a writer. I want to see who that writer is in the real, working, professional world. I am writing in my voice. I have a confidence I didn't have before. I know the play I wrote this year will take me places I hadn't imagined in this coming year. I don't know how that will show up. But I know that I have changed my DNA as a writer. I have changed my molecules. That has to show up - that's the way energy works.

Each year keeps getting deeper and bigger. I am more invested in myself than I ever have been. I have a level of seriousness and focus I never had. That's because I am releasing myself. I'm not slowing down and I'm not backing down. I'm not afraid of my own power. And I'm not looking to anyone to validate me. That has never been true in the course of my life. My ex boyfriend challenged me recently, "Who is THIS person showing up in a relationship?" We were talking about when I'm ready to be in a relationship again, what kind of person will I be? The answer is THIS person now. Not the person before. And that has to be the case for the rest of my life. The person showing up NOW is the person who is creating all of these opportunities. Over the summer, when I talked to the psychic at the K Spa, he said that what you do to your body has immediate effect and makes an imprint on your DNA in that moment. So if you conceive, that child born is a snapshot of that exact moment. And you can change that imprint from moment to moment. I didn't think of it this way at the time, but it's an excellent metaphor for every moment of your life. What I am doing now is affecting what I am conceiving for myself - my own perception and reality. I can change it for the better and for the worse in the moment. It's only one instant away to make it better - and to pull away from my true purpose. That's so profound because that means that you can recover from mistakes quickly. Just make the right choice. Get back on the horse. Don't keep making bad choices, choose differently.

The person I am now is going to show up throughout this year. The person who wrote that play. The person who got that job. The person who got rehired and then got a triple bump in credit. The person who joined a theatre company and started affecting change. The person who made his nephews laugh and made an impression that his niece and nephews can't stop wanting to be around him. The person who made a lasting impression on his students this semester. THAT'S the guy showing up every day. And that guy was a result of the person who had been showing up before that. So this year's going to be great because I'm going to keep going.

So where am I going? I don't know. But I know that I'm progressing. I know that this next year will be one of growth, progress and expansion. It will be on of learning. And I will continue creating work that means something to me and that will result in more opportunities because that's what feels right instinctively.

My intention is expansion.
My intention is trust.
My intention is happiness.
My intention is to work.
My intention is more.
My intention is adventure.

I am grateful for a week off.
I am grateful for a change of location.
I am grateful for my teas.
I am grateful for a new running sweatshirt.
I am grateful for hugs.
I am grateful for moments with the three munchkins who remind me to be open.
I am grateful for sweet, small memories.
I am grateful for strong friendships with people who live far away.
I am grateful for hope.

Where I've Been

I'm rushing around before I leave town tomorrow for nine days in Portland with my brother and his family for the Christmas/Hannukah holiday extravaganza. When I got my haircut yesterday, I started to get a scratch in my throat! Fuck! Don't tell me I'm getting sick! I had to go to the local supermarket to get some Odwalla C-Monsters and some OJ. I'm also taking my zinc like a mad man. Well, I am shopping when I run into a woman who looks familiar. Blond, older, very pretty. We pass each other. Then we both look back.

I ask her, "Is your name, Mary?"
I told her my name and she smiled. This woman was active in the family ministry in my childhood parish. She remembered me and my family. We talked about my Dad and what a sweet guy he was. I always laugh when people say what I sweet guy my Dad was because he was very tough and not really the nicest guy. I laugh because I'm becoming my Dad. I have great affection and love for my friends. But I'm a tough cookie. That's my father's legacy.

This week, my manager had to negotiate my deal to go back on the show. We didn't get everything we wanted. But I got a major title bump, which will help me for future negotiations. I had to give up a teaching gig because of the show. And I'm waiting to find out if I'll be teaching at all next term. But I have learned to fight for what I want - and that's my Dad. My Dad's voice is the one that says, don't stop fighting and fuck 'em if they don't give you what you want. My Mom's voice is the one that makes sure the work gets done. My Dad talked a big game and my Mom delivered and persevered. I need both. Mom never believed she could do everything she could do. And Dad didn't follow through on his potential, but he thought he knew everything. And you need that in this business. Whether or not it's true, you have to believe that you know everything.

So back to Mary in the supermarket - we had a nice interaction. I saw her husband and I met their youngest son, who was a baby when I was in high school, so I never knew him. Apparently, he went to Harvard (according to my brother). I got a bit of the Ivy League vibe from him. I'm used to it. I'm friends with a lot of smart people and a lot of Ivy Leaguers, actually. When I got home, I kept replaying that scene in my mind of walking up to Mary and introducing myself. I realize that it does feel good to see people who knew you when you were a kid and to feel like you've done something with your life. Not that I live my life for others - my Dad taught me not to do that. But it helped me reflect on this past year.

I had dinner with a bunch of friends last night. Our waitress asked my friend Cory and I about our group because we seemed to have a good energy. He told her that we were all playwrights and good friends. Most of us are working in television/film as well. It was great to be with a group of people, who I'm connected to, but who are also connected to each other in other ways. Everyone at that table had a long history with each other - and our collective successes are a result of a lot of hard work. And none of that success happened for any of us in our 20s - and for some of us not even in our 30s. It was such a reminder of what happens when you stick to what you love doing and when you find a way to make money to continue doing what you love. I looked around that table and saw successful, happy people doing all sorts of great creative things. Some of us teach and some of us work for big franchises and some of us have development deals and some of us work for streaming and others work on network shows. We're all good people and we're all of the theatre. Something about sitting at that table made me feel like I had comrades. It made me feel like there's a seat for me at the table if this is the company I'm surrounded by. That was a nice way to end the year.

This has been an incredible year professionally for me. Last year at this time, I was dead broke, hoping that I could stretch my finances into the early part of the year when I would be then getting paid. I knew I had a teaching gig lined up. But I didn't have anything else. I did not know what the year was going to offer me and I just went into the new year with an open heart. Now I know that was the right approach because the Universe dreamt a bigger dream than I could for myself. I didn't hitch all of my hopes and dreams on one opportunity. At that point, I did know that the show was a possibility. But even then I was told not to get my hopes up. So I didn't.

I want to remember that for this next year. A lot of great things happened and I'm walking into the new year with a job. By the time I reach my next birthday in February, I will have had two TV jobs and gone from Staff Writer to Co-Producer. This birth year was the year I got my first TV gig and became a Co-Producer. Holy shit! I wrote the best play I've ever written this year as well. And it might be the play that defines this next period of my career. If I've learned anything over the past two years, it's that you can't predict what hits or doesn't hit. But that play has an authenticity in its voice that is so me. It's loud and it's insistent and it's annoying. It doesn't let go. The good thing is that I've kind of forgotten about it for the time being because nothing's happening with it right now. The play is in an incubatory period because it is being read by a bunch of places. The psychic I met at the Korean Spa in June said that my pilot was the thing that was going to make everything happen for me. I actually think he was talking about the play. That play's got a lot of energy. The pilot was what we talked about, but I was also working on the play at the time. If he's right, that means that 2017 is going to be crazier and busier than 2016. I already had to let go of one job for other things to happen. I might be letting go of my other teaching job as well. I don't want anything to hold me back and if those two classes are sandbags and I need to go higher into the stratosphere, then I'm ready to cut the rope.

My intention is love.
My intention is expansion.
My intention is growth.
My intention is celebration.
My intention is work.
My intention is magic and intuition.
My intention is 11.

I am grateful for friends.
I am grateful for colleagues.
I am grateful for compadres.
I am grateful for community.
I am grateful for possibility.

Push It

I had to give up the third teaching job because it was going to be too hard on the students to have me be out for the first five weeks of the term. I get that. But I wanted to make it work. Here's the good news: the school still wants me. They like me and they were incredibly impressed. I went into the interview knowing there was a possibility that our show was coming back soon. But I went in there and made a positive impression. I pushed it. But if I hadn't, I would have not even applied for the job because there was no possibility. They wouldn't have gotten to know me. And then I wouldn't be the writer who couldn't take the job because he had an actual writing gig. That makes me more attractive to them - and it keeps that possibility alive.

Still waiting to hear from my other teaching gig to see if there's something we're going to be able to make work. I'm going to let that work itself out.

Throughout this whole process, I've been hesitant in thinking that I could take all of this on. All of my friends said to go for it. They said to "push it." So I did. And I'm glad I have, even if I'm not about to do EVERYTHING (It would be great to). But that means there are other opportunities down the road that I need to be free for. I absolutely believe that.

My manager has been negotiating my new deal for the show. He's pushing it. Because that's what we should be doing. I'm worth it. This show has catapulted me into a position where I can jump on a cable or broadcast show at a higher level, surpassing the dreaded cycle of the diversity writer having to be a staff writer over and over again. It's a problem that's unique to those of us who count as "diverse." My manager said in an email that he doesn't push for a bump in position unless he's certain that writer can over deliver. That's my middle name. I'm all about over delivering. I love to work. I love to push it. 

If you're not pushing, you're not growing. It's about not settling for what people say they can get you or for what they think you're worth. You have to know your worth. And that's what it comes down to. WORTH. All of this is an exercise in making sure I know what my worth is. It's a great exercise. I spent so much time undervaluing myself. I'm not doing that any more. So I've got a manager that's fighting to get me what I deserve. And he isn't going to get everything, but he's getting a lot. And that will parlay itself into further opportunities. That's the plan. 

My intention is expansion.

My intention is self worth.

My intention is deep understanding of myself.

My intention is value.

My intention is self love.

I am grateful for people working on my behalf.

I am grateful to know how to direct those people.

I am grateful for my upcoming break.

I am grateful for deep, caring friendships.

I am grateful for honesty.

2016 Recap: Reflections on an Incredible Year

The year I've had has been incredibly well documented on this blog. My Creativity has literally been documented in Real Time. As I prepare for what it shaping up to be an incredibly productive, busy and exciting year, it's that time to recap. I feel like I'm doing my own "Best Of" list for 2016. I suppose the best way to do it is a list and then to reflect on each of those things:

• First Staff Job - I suppose the most obvious thing to put on this list is that I became officially a professional paid writer this year. I spent most of 2016 working on this show and producing my three episodes. What I learned this year is that I can do this. I always thought I knew I could do it, but the honest truth is that I didn't really know until I started doing it. I always wanted to teach - and when I first taught university five years ago, I hoped that it would work out because I had a desire to do it. I feel the same way about writing for TV. I always had a desire to do it, but I didn't actually know. As I get ready for my second season on the show, I walk in with knowledge on how to do the job. I have confidence in what I am capable of doing. I had so many "I don't know if I can do this" moments working on the show. I remember the first time sitting in video village and just sitting there, watching everything unfold. I felt like I didn't know what I was doing so I had better just shut up and listen. And I did that for a couple of days, then I started getting pulled in and more involved. And then I started doing things because they were asked of me. I was asked my opinion, so I had to give it. I was asked to help rewrite something, so I did it. That made me pay more attention and give my feedback when it was time to do that. It was trial and error, like everything. But I came through and I did it. And it was incredible. And I'm ready to do it again.
• Joining the WGA - This was completely unexpected. I thought that because we were a "web series" officially that I wouldn't get enough credits to join the union until the next gig. But I wrote two half hour episodes (that were later expanded into three episodes) and that got me into the WGA. I sat in a room last weekend with other new members of the Guild and I listened to how important being a part of this community is. I realized that I had done something that so many people want to do, but never get the chance to. It's an incredible honor that I take incredibly seriously. I'm really honored by it and it was the perfect end to my year. I'm excited to start contributing to my pension and to start setting up a financial future for myself.
• Regular Teaching Gig - I was teaching Playwriting at SDSU for a friend on maternity leave when I got the TV gig. I had a regular gig and then I got asked to teach in the Fall. And then I was asked to teach two classes in the Spring Semester. Then I got another gig to teach at another school in the Spring as well. As of this typing, I'm still figuring out if I can do all of it. Two years ago, I was applying for teaching jobs and wanting so badly to get employed somewhere. For years, I was trying to get in to a university to teach. And now, it feels like I've got people wanting me for jobs. I'm trying to find a way to balance the teaching and the writing. But maybe the teaching needs to fall by the waist side for a bit. I don't know. I'd like to think I can do it all, but the logistics might be completely out of my hands. Teaching helps me give back. Teaching reinforces what I know and it makes me a better writer. But maybe I've learned everything I need to learn from teaching for right now. I know that I can leave the doors open and come back to teaching when I want to. I'll be in demand because of the work I'm doing. But there are personal reasons I'm trying to keep all three of my jobs.
• Writing my best play so far - In September 2015, I had the final reading for a play I had been working on since February of that year. I went through 11 or 12 drafts of this play. It had been all that I worked on all year - and I was starting to hear from colleagues that this was THE play of my career so far. I couldn't listen to any of that and I started working on another play. When I brought in some pages for my writers group, I got an enthusiastic response. That encouraged me to keep going and I finished a full draft of this new play in February 2016. When I heard it, I knew there was something there. I sent it to the head of the writer's group and he flipped. We immediately started talking about a workshop. Then the company committed to the workshop and then the company committed to me as a new member. We did our workshop in August 2016 while I was also finishing up production on our show. I did some serious rewrites and was getting really engaged in the work. We had an incredible cast that was assembled by my incredible director and the workshop was a dream. Now THIS was the play that everyone started talking about. And I started another new play because I couldn't listen to all of the hype. I don't expect that play to be better than this one. I didn't expect this play to be better than the last one. I had to write it. I have to write this new play. That's all I'm trying to worry about. This new play I'm writing is going to be a mean little play. I try to find a challenge each time I work on something new. Because of the size of the play - and the next one I want to write - they feel more producible. But I didn't give a shit about producibility in the last two plays and I don't care about it now in these next two. These are just the stories I want to tell. I write plays because I realize that my voice is not being heard in the theatre and it needs to. Would I like my plays produced by all the big theatres in the country? Sure. But as a new acquaintance said to me recently, "Working in TV takes the pressure off of getting my plays produced." I get that. I have a completely different attitude about getting plays produced. That doesn't mean that the plays are bad or that I stop caring about people hearing them. But it feels like the path to production in theatre is narrower than my ability to work in other mediums. I also am learning that just because a play doesn't get produced - or doesn't get produced right away - doesn't make it a bad play. I write plays because I have something to say. Or I have something to say about a subject that's familiar that is unlike what other people are saying on the subject. But just writing this play has been one of the biggest accomplishments of the year.
• Joining a Theatre Company - This was something I never even thought to dream about. I liked the idea of being a part of a theatre company. I thought that the only way for me to do that was to start my own. But I didn't know how that would happen and I don't know if I had the time to start something from scratch. This was an experience where people liked my work and my personhood and then wanted me to join their merry band of misfits already in progress. I'm humbled by it because I finally got something I wanted last year when I almost got a literary manager job at a theatre out of town. Thank God I didn't get that job. I started to talk myself into that job because I felt that I needed to be a taste maker in the American Theatre. It needed someone like me - and it still does. But now I can be a taste maker in my theatre in LA. I don't need to be anointed by the AT. They don't give a shit about me. I've been kicking around for awhile. The irony is that they might care about me more the more I accomplish as a TV writer. But being a member of our company means something to me. And taking part in what we do as a company - being a part of that community - means something to me. I have real influence and say in what we do as a company. It's amazing.
• Producing - I helped produce a festival and I'm going to be producing two workshops and at least one reading for the theatre company. I wrote our annual fundraising letter. I'm running our writer's group for the first four months of next year. I stood behind a camera and produced my TV episodes. I'm getting involved in producing again and that excites me. I'm learning a lot about how both TV and plays are produced.  This has lead to the next thing - 
• Realizing I Want to Direct - I have nothing on this other than the fact that I want to do it. I had to co-direct my short play in our festival. I decided I wanted to direct a play workshop and then my friend Cory said I should direct his workshop. And that blew me away. So I'm doing that in June 2017. Being on set, I realized that when I become a showrunner, I want to start directing as well. I know it's a path to directing that's available to me. But I want to start preparing for it by directing other things. I don't know if I would direct a full-length play any time soon, but I know how to work with material and I have a visual sense. I also forgot that I used to be a choreographer in college. I can stage things. I took a directing class in college and didn't feel I did very well at it, so I have been afraid of directing ever since. Yet, I directed by senior showcase in college (a long time ago) and I produced that myself. I've been prepping for this for a long time.
• A Break Up - I ended a relationship on January 4th and then everything good that happened this year happened. I'm slowly trying to have a friendship with my ex. I'm learning a lot about putting my feelings forward and not being afraid to be vulnerable. I have great affection for my ex, but I am no longer in love with him. I couldn't say that for most of the year. I'm not in love with him any more, but I have care and respect for him. I care about what happens to him. I care about his well being. But it is no longer any of my concern.
• Getting a Manager - I got new representation this year. And things are not moving as fast as I want them to, but maybe that's okay. I'm creating work. I've got work. And I'm learning things that are becoming excellent skills for me. Much like I'm building a financial future with the Guild, I'm building a TV career with my manager. We're putting the building blocks together. I'm incredibly excited about this next year to come. I feel like I have support around me to start making things happen.

Again, this has been an incredible year. So many things have happened. And I'm still at it in the last two weeks of this year, trying to finish one more script. Whatever strides I make on the pilot and on the new play will have to carry me through until the Spring. I have a play challenge in February that I may or may not participate in. I don't know how I'm going to do it if I do. The great thing about having a theatre company is that I have resources available to me. I don't need this play challenge any more. And I"m thinking that some things in my life will have to shift. I may have to give things up to allow new opportunities to come my way. But in the mean time, I'm going to try and say YES to as many things as I can. But I'm also going to try and learn when I have to say NO. What an incredible position to be in.

My intention is growth.

My intention is flourishing.

My intention is expansion.

My intention is awareness.

My intention is happiness.

I am grateful for friendships.

I am grateful for a busy calendar.

I am grateful for love in my life.

I am grateful for my optimism and its longevity.

Writers Retreat: Day Four Recap

My last full day of this writer's retreat went well. It started out rough - with two beers in the morning and then some buzzed blogging. But it freed me up and by the time I got back from lunch and the Korean Spa at 3 PM, I was ready to work. And I did a lot of work. I took a couple of breaks, but didn't really finish up until 11:30 PM and I was spent.

I rebroke the outline. I had figured out some key character moments that I needed to figure out. It was really good over all. I have a much clearer arc for my main character going through the pilot. There's a lot that will be changed.

What about "actual writing?" I wrote four pages of a new opener that still needs to be fixed. But the work I did structurally is going to make that rewrite so much easier. I'm no longer the kind of writer who can just write and write hoping to get somewhere. Not with my TV and Film work anyway. I need to know where I'm going. And this writer's retreat was a massive success for that. I needed to get away to clear my head.

From the moment I got into town, ideas started flowing. The fantasy is that I get here and by Friday I have a fully realized rewrite. Writing doesn't work that way. Especially when you take time to take a hard look at structural issues. The hope is that the more you get specific about the problems in your script - and the more you work - the faster that problem solving becomes. And I'm much more in tune with how to fix that stuff now. I'm in a race to get my own stuff done because I go back to work on January 2nd.

Going back to work on a show can be a thrilling and scary thing at the same time. It's thrilling because time passes more quickly when you're in a room with other writers and group thinking. That I love. This will be my second time in the room, so I've learned a lot about how my ideas translate on the page. I have more confidence than I did a year ago. But what the whole process of being on staff has taught me is how to think fast and work fast. That's an incredible skill - to not be precious about everything. And it's scary because it means that the personal creative work takes a back seat for a bit. The money and the company are great - so that's what I try and focus on when I'm in the room. I try to focus on the things that I have versus the things I don't. My skills improve when I'm in the room. And I take those skills and put it into my own personal work when I'm not in the room. I also hone my skills for the room when I'm teaching. So I'm excited to bring that with me into the room as well.

That's all to say that the work I did this week was important. Because I'll be working on the script in this following week before I have to sit down between Christmas and New Years and grade my student work. So the work happening Sunday, Monday and Tuesday will be the work on the actual script. With the structural work I did, I can get a solid draft done in a few days. That won't be too hard. I know what I'm capable of doing.

And today I leave. I'm doing some recapping of what I worked on during the last four days in my journal for the project. I'm doing this blog. I had some good personal time as well as some productive time. I'm really grateful. This was money well spent and time well spent. It's a good thing.

My intention is work.
My intention is focus.
My intention is growth and expansion.
My intention is to bear fruit.
My intention is results.
My intention is open heartedness.
My intention is readiness.
My intention is to do it all.

I am grateful for four days in Vegas in a hotel room to myself.
I am grateful to spend time with my ex-boyfriend and to solidify a friendship.
I am grateful for the affirmation that I am in the right place and doing the right thing.
I am grateful for many good nights sleep.
I am grateful for a writing retreat that was productive.
I am grateful for my own space.
I am grateful for friends who checked in on me.
I am grateful for my community of writers who keep me productive and honest.
I am grateful for the knowledge that I am on the right track.
I am grateful for certainty.

Writers Retreat: Day Three Recap

Today I worked. I had been thinking a lot about the ideas I want to bring forward, but today I actually wrote pages. And the pages I wrote were scary because I'm so afraid of fucking up what I'm writing. The struggle for me in writing this pilot is feeling like I don't have anything significant to say in opposition to the plays I'm writing. The plays I'm writing seem full of meaning. This feels a little bit like a means to an end. I'm writing a pilot as a writing sample to get staffed. It's been hard to get it up for something that just feels like a writing sample.

But as I've been in Vegas and I've thought about what this story means to me and the idea of a Latina woman trying to persevere in the 1970s in New York as an intellectual in a world that doesn't champion intellectual women of color. I don't even know if we were using term widely back in 1975 - woman of color or person of color. Those rights and representations wouldn't come in to public consciousness until decades later. This story feels important to tell because it's important to me.

I've had a week in Vegas so far where I've done a lot of soul searching and opening up emotionally. I spent a day with my ex-boyfriend working through a lot of emotions. And those emotions have made their way into this pilot rewrite. We broke up because I had chosen my career over him - and he knew it. And part of my motivation is to make sure that I chose wisely because I have an important mission and purpose in life. When I sat down to it, I realized that this pilot says so much about the person I am right now. And it has the potential to say a lot about where we are as a country right now. Once I click into the relevance of something, it starts to make sense in terms of what I should be working on.

I want to write a pilot that feels as impactful to me as the plays I'm writing. Otherwise, it feels like "What's the point?" And honestly, I'm not really motivated to do any work. Like it or not, I'm motivated by things that move me. Now that I have an idea of what this pilot means to me personally, it's easier to work on.

I wrote a bunch of notes on what my main character is experiencing. And as I took the beginning of the pilot - the first scene - and reworked it, it started to make more sense. It's still a mess in some ways, but it's a more manageable mess now. I wrote the four page new opening. I think there are still some edits and some focus to do. But then I should be ready to work on the rest of the story and finding a new way to introduce my main character. I bought a Groupon to a Korean spa in town to do work and so I'm going to do that. That always helps me, to go to a K Spa and get some work done. I'm hoping to rewrite/rebreak the first half of the pilot.

I feel like the work I've done so far on this trip has been effective and constructive. I've taken some time  for myself on this trip as well. But I've really been able to have the mental and physical space to get the necessary work done.

I'm excited about the work I'm going to be doing today. It feels good to be taking this time to work on this project. I'm psyched to dig further into this world. And I'm happy that I made the time for my own work before life gets hectic in January on my show and with my teaching.

My intention is to work hard.
My intention is to do it all.
My intention is freedom.
My intention is expansion.
My intention is to teach and to work.
My intention is to let everything happen.
My intention is to let go.

I am grateful for friends.
I am grateful for opportunity.
I am grateful for the good fortune I've had this year.
I am grateful for people who tell me this is only the beginning.

Writers Retreat: Day Two Recap

I started the day strong. I woke up early and had my tea and Larrabar and went to the gym like a good boy. I came back to the room and did more work on the beginning of the script, thinking about how to construct the new beginning of the script. I took a lot of notes.

But yesterday, I spent some time with my ex, The Drummer. And we had lunch and talked a lot. We also ran some errands. But most of the day was spent together, aside from when we came back to the hotel and both did a little bit of work. 

That was needed. And that was a part of my own personal healing that needed to be done yesterday. We haven't spent an extended amount of time together since we broke up. And getting to friendship has been a real struggle, especially since I found out he started a serious relationship a month after we broke up. We realize we have a strong connection still and spending time and talking through our emotions helped. We're committed to our friendship and enough time has passed where we've buried the other relationship for this one to exist.

I don't feel like I cheated myself out of a work day. I worked for four or five hours yesterday. I took notes and I woke up this morning trying to figure out some music to play over the top of the script. Maybe that seems like procrastination. But it really puts me in the mood. 

Of course, I'm revving up to write a three page sequence. And I'm discovering new things about my main character I didn't know before. I'm taking the time necessary. I have all day. I don't have to punch out. He leaves later this morning/early afternoon. Working out some of my personal shit and having deep conversations always helps the writing. It allows me to go deep into my emotional reserves. I also understand that pursuing the thing I wanted and that I started attaining this year was the right thing to do. I had to forgive myself for choosing myself over the relationship. And while that seems like a no-brainer - for a caretaker like me, I had to go through that process. To hear him talk about that and to say that he doesn't hold any resentment helps. Maybe it shouldn't matter. Maybe I should be stronger than that. But I'm a sensitive being. I have to be a sensitive being in order to be an artist. I can't give that up or build walls around myself for everyone.

I think that's the big lesson The Drummer taught me. I don't have to always have my walls up. I can trust that people are going to be good and going to be on my side. I'm also discovering this different relationship that doesn't involve romantic love. We both love each other and both know how important we are to each other. We remain connected even though we are apart. We have this thing where we have always seen the number 11. He saw it before me. And I started seeing it when we were together and I've continued to see it even after we've been apart. I resented the fact that I would continue to see them because I felt it meant I wasn't moving on. But the Universe was relentless. It continued to put 11s in front of me. 

Yesterday, when he called me to say he was on his way, it was 12:11. And then when he put his watch on me so I could try it on to see how it felt, it was 11:11. So we're connected, despite my feelings of needing to define our relationship a certain way. Because we're exes we're supposed to have distance because saying "I love you" is a slippery slope. I'm absolutely clear that I love him and am not in love with him. And it's not because he's in a relationship. That has made it easier to separate my feelings. But our relationship was meant to be this. It was meant to be supportive and platonic. He's sleeping in the bed next to mine right now. It didn't go anywhere romantic. We did not cross a line or even get close to crossing a line. But we crossed a threshold yesterday. We're going to find a way to remain in each other's lives, on each other's terms. That means that we won't see each other a lot. It means that he'll only call me when he's on the road to a gig. But it also means that the time we make for each other won't be crammed or rushed - like it was when we were together. We're friends who had to take a while to get to this place. He's not the right guy for me, for a number of significant reasons. And I'm not the right guy for him for different significant reasons. But we can arrive at a good place and occupy a space in each other's lives that doesn't exclude the other relationships in our lives.

I've reached a place of better self acceptance in my life. And that has significance in my writing. I write from a place of being okay with everything that I am. And so as I enter Day Three of this Writers Retreat experience, I can feel like bring that openness and self acceptance to the work. I want to write that sequence today and I want to get through the first half of this pilot rewrite during this trip. I'd like to have enough to finish it. But that's the main part I want to get to.

And I've got some deeper things to write with the play I'm working on. And maybe I can get there as well. The good news is that I still have next week and all of the time I'm in Portland. But the heavy lifting happens here because it's the only dedicated time I have. Sometimes just having that time, despite what may or may not get done is the important part. I have made a space for myself and honored my muse.

My intention is awareness.

My intention is stillness.

My intention is to be open.

My intention is to sit and work.

My intention is to be.

My intention is to show up.

I am grateful for my friend.

I am grateful for my self acceptance.

I am grateful for the love I show myself

I am grateful for the care I give and receive.

I am grateful that I am not just a caregiver.

I am grateful that I have come into my own.

I am grateful that I am an official member of the WGA and that means something to me.

I am grateful that I can celebrate.

I am grateful that I can love.

Writers Retreat: Day One Recap

I arrived in Vegas around 3 PM, checked into my room, which has two queen sized beds, a desk, a sitting area with a coffee table and a lot of room to dance around in. I usually like two queen beds as opposed to one bed because one bed can be for sleeping and the second can be for working. Working usually means my lap top and me on the bed. Or it can mean taking out my notecards and sprawling them across the bed. My ex happens to be in the area for work and is going to be staying with me overnight, so the extra bed is for him as well this time around. But I like to have as many work areas as possible.

I set up my research books on the coffee table. I put my snacks and teas on the desk. My room has a coffee maker - I don't drink coffee - so I brought non-caffinated teas and sea salt caramels to reward myself when I've done something good. I'm like a dog with treats. I put my toiletries in the bathroom immediately and unpacked some clothes. I like to have everything in order right when I check in. It feels like I'm anointing the space. I'm sitting on the sofa right now. This is probably where I will be perched most of the time I'm here. But if I'm working through an idea, it helps to have many spaces to work in because I've tricked myself into believing that switching locations in a room shifts my brain. It could very well true. But it's also a lie I tell myself. There's also a club chair I can sit in across from me. I've got about four positions I can be in, which is perfect.

I thought I was the only person who did the hotel in Vegas thing. But turns out, it's a thing! My friend Ruth's husband, who's a very well-known and successful TV writer and graphic novelist, does the same thing. I'm sure he holes up somewhere a bit fancier than me. But maybe not. The allure of Vegas is that the hotel rooms are cheap. I'm staying in a casino off the strip, but it's not WAY off the strip and it's not a Motel 6. I stayed on the strip last time I was in town doing this and I loved the deal I got on the hotel. But any time I wanted to drive off the strip to Whole Foods - there's one very conveniently located so that I can go get a morning cup of bone broth or I can stock up on some healthy snacks or raid the food bar on Wednesdays when the price goes down $1.50 per pound - it would take me about 20 minutes just to get off the strip. This hotel is still close to a lot of things, but it's near my godmother, who lives here. It has a movie theatre. It has a TGI Fridays and a Fuddruckers. Not that I love those two establishments, but the great thing about the Fridays is that they have happy hour from 3-7 and again from 9p-2a. That means $6 appetizers and cheap drinks. The other hotel drove up their prices. The chains in this hotel don't really drive up their prices. The resort fee is also cheaper, so the per room fee might be $5-10 more, but the overall price is cheaper because the resort fee is half of what it was at the hotel on the strip. I can travel around more freely. And there are tons of great cheap hole in the wall restaurants close to my hotel. I come to Vegas for my favorite cheap buffet off the strip in Henderson - $9.99 for lunch and $14.99 for dinner. Although I haven't had dinner there yet. But a $10 lunch with a drink plus a two dollar tip, is a bargain. And I can usually get away with two meals a day. Ruth's husband loves it because he can order room service and not have to move. There's something to that as well. But I really love that I can take a break and get some fresh air and come right back to it. Also, I could camp out at the Fridays and use that as another office space. It's all pretty great here.

I went and got a snack at the Friday's. I brought my script and took notes. Then I came back up to the room and did some more work on the script. All note taking right now. I have to fix the opening of the pilot and I have to make sure my story has a clear protagonist. Most of the script in the second half works. It's the first half that needs more push. What will happen - what always happens - is that the script changes entirely because you can't just change the first half and expect it will all stay the same.

Not bad for a first half day of work. Today is Day Two and I'll report more on the entire day later. But I'm up at my computer at 9 in the morning starting my process, which is usually a blog entry. It gets my fingers going. It gets my brain awake. I've already exercised and had two cups of tea. My ex gets here around 1 PM and then we're going to lunch and hanging out. But I've got work to do as well when he's here.  I'm not stopping just because he's here. He's not the reason I'm here. The reason I'm here is to work. I want to get a firm idea for the rewrite and then to start rewriting as soon as I can. I'm spending the morning thinking about how to open the script. I feel like that will take some construction. Then the content can flow from that. But I want to set up the context and the world of the story before I introduce our two innocents into the story. I'm pouring all of myself into this rewrite because I won't be able to pick it up again until the Spring most likely. And I want this to be another sample we use.

Okay, back to work.

My intention is productivity.
My intention is work.
My intention is expansion.
My intention is openness.

I am grateful for this hotel room.
I am grateful for the ability to take the time to be here for four days.
I am grateful for the ability to afford to do this.
I am grateful for the ideas I've already had.

Be Happy

Yesterday, I went to my WGA New Member Orientation and I sat in a room of maybe about 75 writers who were all new to the WGA, including a friend of mine. In the presentation, a few Guild members talked about the gratification of being paid to write and how we all have done something that's near to impossible. The statistic is that you've got a better chance of being drafted by a major league baseball team than getting into the WGA. It made me think of the other impossible things I've done - like scoring in the top 1% of my incoming high school Freshman class in our entrance exam and getting a full ride to NYU. This was a dream of mine and it had come true.

At the end of the presentation, we each got a framed certificate acknowledging our entry into the Guild. I think it was the framed part that got me - this felt like a diploma of sorts. At the very least it was an achievement and to have that acknowledgement meant the world. My friend poo-pooed it a bit by saying he didn't need a framed certificate and made fun of it a bit. Maybe it wasn't a big deal to him. I found out that he got into the WGA only a year before me and I had no idea. I took a picture of my framed certificate and put it on Facebook - 128 likes so far. I found it interesting that he became a member while we've known each other and I had no clue. I'm incredibly proud of being a member of my Guild and I'm excited to get involved in this community.

We went to the holiday party tonight together, my friend and I. And there had been some tension about a job I had recently gotten to teach at a prestigious private university. It was a job he had spoken to the university about and I got it. At the time, he seemed to be upset about it because it's something he wanted. The subject came up again tonight when someone asked him about the job and he pointed to me and said that I got the job. I didn't want to discuss it in front of someone else. But it was brought up and I had to acknowledge to my friend that I felt uncomfortable. On the ride home, he assured me that he was happy for me and only wants the best for me, which I believe. I told him that the part that hurt my feelings was that he asked me if I was taking the job once I found out our show was coming back. I want to still teach even though I'm staffed. I can make it work and I plan to.

In his need to know that we're okay - which we are - he mentioned that he wanted to make sure that I knew he thought I deserved it. I told him that my hurt wasn't about feeling like he thought I didn't deserve it. My hurt came from him asking if I was turning down the job. I told him that I didn't care whether or not he thought I deserved it. And he seemed to take offense to that or thought I made a blunt statement. But I'm not hurt because I think he thinks I don't deserve it.

The great RuPaul has a saying, "What other people think of me is none of my business." And I try to live by that saying. What my friend thinks of me is none of my business and it has no relevance on how I feel about the job. I know I deserve it. Nothing's shaking that. I'm not sure if he was thrown by the fact that I said it didn't matter what he thought. That sounds harsh, but it's true. That does not penetrate me. He can think I don't deserve it, but that does not change my opinion that I do. Nothing can shake that. I also know I deserve to have my staff job and my two teaching jobs.

Now that I look at this situation closer, I know that my friend remarked to me that he really wanted to be involved in the theatre company that asked me to join as a member. And for the record, we love his work and we're doing a workshop in the Spring. But me joining the company does not change how the company feels about him - it doesn't mean that they like him any less. Yet I feel like my friend thinks that.

My whole life I have held myself back for these very reasons. I never wanted someone to feel bad because of something I did or something that happened to me. I have a lot of friendships where I don't deal with that.

I made the choice a while back that I have to be happy for what I have and not unhappy for what I don't have. At that party tonight, I felt like I was in a community. I was with writers who had sold things and staffed on shows. We were in this club where people have had success. My friend had sold two pilots to get into the WGA. Everyone at that party had to be successful in order to be there because that success led to them joining the Guild.

A year ago, if this had happened, I would have spent time affirming my friend of how incredible and amazing he is because I felt guilty for my success. I didn't do that - not because I'm an asshole, but because I don't have to compensate for good things that have recently happened to me. He even acknowledged that he needed affirmation after he affirmed that he thought I deserved everything that happened and that he was happy for me. His immediate reaction was, "Now you tell me something great about me." I did it and I meant it. But as I'm typing this now, I'm realizing how fucked up that is.

And by the way, I sent my friend an email this afternoon telling him how great I thought his new play is and we're doing a workshop of it soon. I didn't send him an email telling me how much I love love love his play and then ask him to then say something nice about me. My friend's having a hard time and is spiraling. And as a friend, I love him and I support him. But it's hard when you realize that someone is happy for you with certain conditions and needs you to make them feel good about themselves. Some might say that's friendship. And I love to tell my friends how much I love and support them, but I want that to be my idea. Not theirs.

It goes back to something another friend and I were taking about today. Be happy. Acknowledge and love what you have and don't focus on what you don't have. If I'm not working, I have a lot of time on my hands and I try to make the most of that. I also have moments where I have some money and the opportunity to go somewhere and write for a week. Or visit a friend in another city. Or just hit the road and not think so hard. Tomorrow, I go to Vegas for a week to write. I need to make use of this time before I start on the show. I want to be supportive of my friend, but ultimately I have to make sure I devote the time I need to getting my work done. I can't let anything get in the way of that. I guess that's why I'm single and why I need to be. I love my friend and I want him to be happy. That's it. I hope he can get out of this funk soon.

My intention is love.
My intention is open mindedness.
My intention is acceptance.
My intention is expansion.
My intention is clarity. 
My intention is growth.

I am grateful for new writer communities in my life.
I am grateful for my voice.
I am grateful for my power.
I am grateful for knowing who I am and what I want.

Writer's Retreat: The Day Before...

I'm heading on a writer's retreat. I've done two of these before. One in 2015 where I went away to Monterey for a week and a half to get work done on two scripts I was writing. That work led to me taking an office and having an extended writers retreat for five months. Then I went away earlier this year for four days in Vegas. I've done a few week long retreats to the Korean Spa every day. Every time I've done this, it has been productive. Something about getting away and having space to write. Something about indulging myself. Every time it feels more indulgent than necessary, even though it's really more necessary than indulgent. Sometimes I'll feel like other writer friends will say, "Oh, really. Must be nice." I'm sure fewer of them are saying that than I think. But that's part of my personal noise about taking time for myself to do something productive.

Sometimes being a writer feels indulgent. Like I get to put my thoughts down on paper and assume that they'll matter to someone. But in a political climate where words do matter and my words as a gay person of color add to the conversation, writing is more necessary than ever. So it's that spirit I will try to latch onto when I check into my hotel in Vegas tomorrow.

I always have that voice in my head - "I'm here to write. And nothing else." Of course, I always make time to relax and to hook up. That's part of the equation. That's part of the freedom. That's part of being on the clock 24 hours a day. I can write from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to bed. And I can wake up at 5 AM to write and I can take naps and I can go to bed at 2 AM. I can make room for all of it.

I know what I'm writing. I'm working on a pilot rewrite that I've been meaning to finish. I should also work on the pitches I had been preparing earlier this month and the pilot ideas I'm thinking about writing next year. I started a new play and that would be nice to do some work on. Also, there's a new play idea I'd like to do some exploratory work on - research, mostly. At the end of the retreat, I'd like to have a new play written and this pilot finished. The other stuff can be what I work on to procrastinate when I'm not engrossed in one of the other two projects.

This retreat is the only time I'll have to myself for awhile. I go on vacation for the holidays to see my brother and his family in Portland. And that will be family time and rejuvenating in its own way for its own reasons. That should be mainly relaxation time because that's the only time I'll have to get away to chill out until possibly some time in the Spring when maybe I'll plan a get away during Spring Break. I'll have a quick weekend in Vancouver in late February/early March for a postponed birthday trip. This will be some good me time because it's work time and also because I'll have a hotel room to myself for four days.

I'm bringing my favorite lounge outfit, which can double as a workout outfit. I'm bringing my favorite healthy snacks and some books. I'm bringing sea salt caramels from Trader Joe's. I'll end up going to the Whole Foods in Vegas for some meals. I'm a fan of the Wednesday salad bar at Whole Foods when it's discounted. I like having some bone broth from their bone broth bar. I'll try and work out while I'm there, maybe even grab some time at the pool if the weather is warm enough. I need this get away. I'm going to try avoiding shopping at the outlet mall, but my favorite store is there and I'm going to have to try and see if there's anything interesting on the sample rack.

Right now, I'm washing clothes to make sure I've got comfy stuff to wear that will make me feel very writerly. I've got note cards and note pads and pens. I've got music on my iPhone. I'm ready. I hope. I'll have two beds - one for working and one for sleeping. Or one for sleeping and one for sleeping around. One way or another. I'm excited to end the year this way. That's for sure.

My intention is openness.
My intention is stillness.
My intention is mindfulness.

I am grateful for a car to get me to my destination.
I am grateful for a hotel I like spending time in.
I am grateful for a whole world to get lost in.
I am grateful for work that keeps me interested.

A Writer Prepares

The semester is over. I am no longer a teacher - except for their final projects and grading - and I'm back to being a writer full-time until Jan 10th, when I start teaching my first graduate level course and Jan 19th when I teach two classes - or get someone to fill in for me while I'm in the writer's room starting on January 2nd.

Yes, it looks like next year will be a juggling act between teaching and writing. I'm teaching three classes in the Winter/Spring and working on our show. Wowza! In order to do all of that, I have to be prepared.

I know that it will be harder to work on new projects while I'm in the room. So for six weeks, I'll be stretched thin, pitching ideas in the room and breaking story. I can't wait. But that means I have a pilot and a play that I've started that I need to finish before the end of the year. I want to finish out 2016 with these last two projects done so that I can start the new year with nothing on my plate.

I'm preparing for 2017 by going to Vegas next week to do my second writer's retreat of the year. Last April or May I went to Vegas for a week and stayed at Bally's. I locked myself in my room and got work done the whole time. It was kind of spectacular and amazing. I watched a lot of HBO Now, I ate, I worked and I got the necessary break I needed. I'm going to the Orleans because it's off the strip and easier to get around. There are happy hours and cheap food and nearby cheap and healthier food and Whole Foods. I can just devote myself to getting my work done and I don't have to worry about having to do anything other than write. I don't have to be nice to anyone. I don't have to get dressed all day if I don't want to either. I can wear my lounge outfit and be in my mobile office. I can pace around and try to figure out the next step in whatever I'm working on. I can bring my note cards and I can get all serious and crazy. I'm super excited about it.

I'm preparing for 2017 by going to my WGA New Member Orientation tomorrow and getting a mentor. Also going to my writer's group - which I'll be running from January through April - to hear some new pages from the new play.

Then I'm going to head to see my brother and his family for the holidays. And I'm going to relax while also doing a little bit of work on these two projects. I want to send the new pilot to my manager by the end of the year. And I'll be working on treatments for at least two new pilot projects.

I'm preparing for 2017 by getting rest, by spending time with my family, by enjoying the whole reason I'm on this planet - for them. I want to teach my niece about storytelling - after hearing that she just wrote her 2nd grade autobiography. I'm preparing to be busier than I'd ever thought I'd be by connecting to the people in my life who fuel me and inspire me.

2017 is going to be busy, it turns out. And I can't wait to see how being that busy transforms me like being busy transformed me in 2016.

My intention is growth.
My intention is to work.
My intention is to be open.

I am grateful for my writers group.
I am grateful for my writers room.
I am grateful for my classroom.
I am grateful for colleagues, comrades and community.

Spinning Plates

Got a lot going on right now. Got word that the show's coming back - we're in the room on January 2nd. Actually found that out a couple of weeks ago and got the confirmation last week that our reps are being contacted. It's finally time to get back to work. I spent the year kind of hoping that I would go from show to show to show like Tarzan swinging on a vine. I've always been a little bit more of a George of the Jungle.

That's the good news. And the still-good-but-complicated news is that I've committed to teaching three classes next term. My first school committed to me teaching two classes instead of one next term. I originally thought I'd say no to teaching because I wanted to keep the launching pad open. Then I started teaching my class like a writer's room and it all seemed to connect to what I want to be doing, which is creating television. I was like the showrunner, controlling the room and giving my students feedback on their work. They had given me two classes without telling me and then I had to reconsider that plan. It's hard to turn down work when you've gone so long without it. And in Hollywood, you don't know if something's actually happening until the reps start getting phone calls and contacts are being negotiated. I hoped that I would be coming back to the show, but I had no guarantees, so I had to take the job. At one point, we thought I'd be teaching a graduate level TV writing course which I planned on treating as a real writer's room and assigning episodes to my students. The idea of that seemed fascinating. But that fell through and I was going to be teaching two sections of my intro class which has 25 students each.

Okay, that felt busy and I knew that if it got to be too much with the show coming back, then I could just turn them down. Then I got an email from my friend Ruth who said that another school was looking for someone to come teach. It was a school I had wanted to work at, so I said yes, despite knowing that my show might be coming back again soon and that three classes in a busy schedule were too much to do. And I ended up getting the job - being offered a position right in the room. And then two days later, I got the confirmation that the show's coming back in January.

I remembered what the psychic said in June - that I'd be busier than I'd ever thought I'd be. And I thought, well this might be what he was talking about. And it might not even be over. Because I'm also producing a writer's group and a workshop in the Spring. Teaching will go through May. Writing both my episodes will go through mid-March. So the winter will be a time for hibernation for sure. I'm just going to try and not stress eat and gain back the weight I've been losing. I'm going to make our PA or intern or whoever make sure there's plenty of fruit around and lots of Larrabars. I'm reading the new Andy Cohen book, Superficial, which is more of his diaries where he talks about being busy and all the work he's doing. I feel like the Chinese Mexican Andy Cohen right now. I want to be busy. That would be thrilling to me. It sounds like from what the psychic said that I'm going to be working myself to the bone. That's great. I have the time and the flexibility to do that right now.

This morning I woke up and composed an email to the head of my department at the school I have been teaching at to present this idea of me bringing in a sub for the classes I'd miss and expressing to him that I really wanted to stay at the school and continue teaching there. I'm waiting to hear back, but I'm prepping to do it all. I also looked at my syllabus for the third class and saw that if I could make weeks two and three work, then I'd be set because I'll come and teach week one (with my showrunner's permission) and I already have meetings scheduled for weeks four and five. So I could actually make all of this work. I'll be exhausted. But I'll also be really excited to do it, too. I would be teaching grad students, which is totally thrilling to me.

In order to prep for all of the work I'll be doing in the first months of the year, I started the new play I wanted to work on. And I'm prepping a rewrite for the pilot I've been working on. I've got a busy schedule this week, but next week I'm heading to Vegas for another writing retreat, my second of the year. I had planned it also as a reason to see my godmother who's dying. But it turns out that she's planning on coming out here to LA at the same time. I thought about canceling the trip, saving the money and staying in town. But I know that if I don't make time for my own writing now, I'll regret it. There will be little time for my own writing while on staff and teaching three classes. I have to make time for my own work. And the Vegas writing retreat worked out so well for me when I did it back in April (or was it May?). I got a lot of work done and I also felt like I was getting away. I'll probably do what I did back then and plan a few writing trips. Checked with the Jet Blue guy when I had to change my flight for my holiday trip to be back in time for work - I originally planned to come back on Jan 3rd. He said I have enough points to go to NYC on a non busy week. So that's good. I also might use the points to go to Portland on another trip. Or I may just let them continue to accrue. New York wouldn't be a writing trip because I haven't been there in years and I'd need to see friends and hang out. But maybe I could plan some other sort of writing trip. My friend Dominic had talked about going to Monterey after I suggested it as a good place to go. It might be fun to do a buddy trip somewhere and split the cost of a room or an AirBnB.

Anyway, it looks like I'm going to be crazy busy again and I'm excited by that prospect. I'm ready for it. In the meantime, I'm looking forward to getting away to Vegas and then leaving at the end of the following week to Portland for nine days of recharging the batteries and hanging out with the family and spending New Years with friends and a bunch of gays.

My intention is expansion.
My intention is excitement.
My intention is fun.
My intention is satisfaction.

I am grateful for work.
I am grateful for friends.
I am grateful for a new play.
I am grateful for another play after that.
I am grateful for 15 pitches I'm working on.
I am grateful for my students.

I Want Everything

One of my favorite Barbra Streisand songs goes like this:

I want to learn what life is for
I don't want much, I just want more
Ask what I want and I will sing
I want everything (everything)

I'd cure the cold and the traffic jam
If there were floods, I'd give a dam
I'd never sleep, I'd only sing
Let me do everything (everything)

I'd like to plan a city, play the cello
Play at Monte Carlo, play Othello
Move into the white house, paint it yellow
Speak Portuguese and dutch

And if it's not too much
I'd like to have the perfect twin
One who'd go out as I came in
I've got to grab the big brass ring
So I'll have everything (everything)

I'm like a child who's set free
At the fun fair
Every ride invites me
And it's unfair

Saying that I only
Get my one share
Doesn't seem just
I could live as I must

If they'd
Give me the time to turn a tide
Give me the truth if once I lied
Give me the man who's gonna bring

More of everything
Then I'll have everything
Everything

Is it greedy to want everything? Or is it just an expression of a mentality of expansiveness? That last question sounds like I've been doing a lot of manifestation work and reading a lot of new agey self-help books. It sounds like I've been dumped in a big pool of The Secret. So far next year, I've committed to teaching three classes, coming back for season three of my show, running our writer's group from January to April, organizing a reading and a workshop, and directing a workshop in June.

I remember the Psychic's words - you're going to be busier than you ever thought you'd be. It seems like at least the first half of 2017 is shaping up to be that. I figure if the Universe is bringing these opportunities to me, I should take them. Who knows where all of this will lead?

I was talking to my best friend Alanna this morning about this very subject. She said, "Do everything." She mentioned that all of my teaching is serving my writing. It's all a part of the same mission. Being in front of my class and lecturing on the very principles I'm applying as a writer helps my work in the room and in pitching. And my work experience makes me a very desirable professor. I had thought about not taking all of this on because maybe it's too much to do or maybe it's too greedy. However, I realize that I have to keep these doors open in order to be able to go back and forth, which is what I want to do. It's a lot to take on and I might be driving myself crazy, because I also have to write four pilots next year.

At the end of the day, this is what I want to do. I want expansion. I want to do it all. A year ago, I had no work and I would have given my right (and left) nut for any of these things to happen. I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth. And the truth is, I want to do it all. I like the idea of teaching graduate students. I like teaching no more than 10 students. And if I want to get in at an LA school, which would make my life much easier going back and forth between work and teaching, then I should probably get in at a local school. Ultimately, I want to do both like my hero in graduate school, Charlie. But I want to have a big career as a showrunner. And in order to do that, I've got to be out staffing and working. I'm not viable to anyone if I'm just teaching.

Everything feeds everything. The theatre company feeds my soul and allows me to produce and support other writers as well as see my work up. This is exactly where I want to be. I want to be producing original work. I want to start directing, so that eventually I will be directing and producing my own television shows. I want to have a production company. It's not just about writing and teaching. This is all a part of the progressive plan. 

I don't know why if you had the opportunity to create and run your own show why you wouldn't. Right now in TV there are no boundaries in what someone can do. You can go from staff writer to showrunner in the course of one job. With digital media, things are changing rapidly. Who knows how long this bubble will last? But it seems like the right time to get involved and do as much as you can. I'm doing EVERYTHING now because eventually I want to be doing EVERYTHING. This is my own Showrunner's Training Program. It's my own post-graduate work. The classroom is my own writer's room. My couch is my own production office. The library is my own conference room. I'm not waiting for these things to happen. I'm making them happen now.

So I guess I have no choice but to do everything. I already am.

My intention is rapid growth.

My intention is YES.

My intention is expansion.

I am grateful for quick yeses.

I am grateful for enthusiasm about me and my work.

I am grateful for good friends.

I am grateful for the people in my life who love me.

The Pause Button

I'm terrible at taking breaks. I'm working at it.

My friend Dominic and I were talking last weekend about how we're both shitty at having some time off. I remember he was a bit panicked about time off about six months ago. And then he got a temp gig that turned into a longer temp gig and now he's going back to work on that project before going back to season two of the show he moved out to LA for. I've been enjoying time with Dominic and talking about how we're managing these early times in our television careers as people who have been working to get here for awhile. He gives me hope that being a journeyman writer is possible.

Being productive is ideal. But you've got to recharge the batteries at some point. I'm really bad at it. Today, I watched all of the Gilmore Girls revival. I've been watching this PBS documentary series called Soundbreaking. I've watched most of the eight episodes. I put my feet up. I had one email to send to a student regarding a project. But I didn't have any work looming over my head - or I chose not to. I chose not to freak out about the pilot rewrite or the new play I started or the new play I want to start. I chose not to freak out about prepping some pitches for a meeting at the end of next week.

I sat down. I turned on Netflix. I watched TV. I ate and wore comfortable clothing. My afternoon was a Gilmore Girls episode. I enjoyed every minute of it, even though it wasn't perfect. I did dishes and made food. I cleared the refrigerator. I ate my Thanksgiving leftovers. I'm getting ready for tomorrow's grocery shopping. I've let my body go a bit. I've been going to Korean spas not realizing that I really just needed a day like today to chill the fuck out.

Today was the only day I had nothing on the schedule. I could have gone to a play tonight. I decided not to. I'm going to miss the run of that play. I don't care. My social calendar has been busy for the past six weeks at least. I know that this coming week is going to be busy. I know that I'm finishing up the semester. And I know that I'm going to try and go to Vegas for a week to get some writing done. That's going to be my gift to myself before I take off to Portland for the holiday. I'm also being told that work is going to start on my show right after the holiday. So the lesson there is to enjoy my time now. I'll be going back to work soon. And I'll be exhausted. And that will also be great.

I learned a little while ago that the best approach to life is to enjoy what you have in that moment. When I have work, I enjoy work. When I have time off, I enjoy time off. When I have money, I enjoy money. When I have time, I enjoy time. I use the resources at hand to the best of my ability and to the fullest extent I possibly can. So right now, I have free time. I need to enjoy it.

My intention is relaxation.
My intention is to breathe.
My intention is to be still.

I am grateful for my life.
I am grateful to do the things I want to do.
I am grateful to know what those things are.

The Power

My friend Brian used to say, "You have to be aware of the power you possess." Brian is a handsome, smart, ambitious guy who in another life could have been a GQ model. He probably still could, he's in his early 40s and looks great. He was aware that he held a certain authority and charm over people. He knew that because of the way he looked, his brain and his personality, he could achieve a lot. He was incredibly self-aware about the way to use that influence.

When we were in our 20s, I'd look at him and nod. I was in awe of him and this power that he possessed. He seemed so confident and sure of himself.  I didn't understand how someone that beautiful and charming could be a friend of mine. I didn't understand how he could walk into a room and ask for what he wanted. I didn't realize that I had the same power he had.

Sure, I was smart and funny and people seemed to be attracted to me. But I was looking for universal love and acceptance - a myth. I still felt like the buck-toothed, too skinny kid with the bowl haircut. Even though I had left that guy behind years ago, I hadn't let him go completely.

Throughout my life, I have given that power away to people. Brian knew enough to know to harness it and value it. I didn't have that knowledge. I gave away my power right and left. In the past several years, I have learned to own my intelligence. I have learned to own my compassionate heart and my influence over people. I treat it with respect, but I now operate from this place of power. How did I get there? I don't know completely. I started believing that I had something to offer. I still have insecurities, but that's the price of being alive. The trick is to not let those insecurities make you inactive.

I'm watching a lot of cooking documentaries. The chefs that impress me most are the ones I haven't heard of before - the ones who are causing gastronomic revolutions outside of metropolitan areas, outside of the hot spots. I admire these chefs who are cooking on a high-end level on their own terms. I was just watching Chef's Table: France and struck by a chef who cooks in a town in France that's not a   foodie destination.

I started thinking about my own path in life. Nothing I have done is typical. I grew up a working class kid born to Mexican and Chinese-American parents who didn't have a degree beyond a high school diploma. So often in my life, I wasn't expected to do much. I went to the high school no one expected me to go to, the college no one expected me to go to, then I got into a grad school no one expected me to get into. And then I thought I had arrived. So I started doing all of the expected things. None of those things worked out.

Years passed and when I finally stripped away all of these things I had become - or half-become because I wasn't successful at the things I was trying - I was left with my passion for writing and expression. I was on the verge of forty and starting over. No one talks enough about "the reckoning" that one goes through as they approach what's considered "middle age." I have gone through a rebirth because I've gotten back in touch with the things I've always wanted to do. Most people don't get to fully experience this reckoning because they're already on a path with kids and a spouse. Most people are afraid to dismantle all of that. My friend Molly wasn't and when she turned 40 she went back to school and followed her heart. I had the big lesson of watching a father die with regrets. He had a lot of fear and he let it immobilize him to the point where he realized as he was dying that there were still things to do and now it was too late.

In the over four years since his death, I have been living a different life. I have stripped everything bare and I started reinforcing my foundation. About two years in, I started building on that foundation. I spent a year working on my grief. Then I started looking for work. Nothing was coming. I would apply to things, but no one was biting. Meanwhile, I wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote. Then I spent a whole year working on a play. I had no business doing that. I had no money. I should have spent that time trying to get a job I'd hate as soon as I started - at least according to popular logic. Defiantly, I didn't do that. I even had the experience of fighting with my brother who thought I was crazy. I broke up with a boyfriend who wanted things from me that I couldn't give him. I was obsessed with writing and he was obsessed with music. Two obsessed people who didn't want to give in or give up either obsession weren't going to make it. We were getting in each other's way, so we broke up. Then the floodgates opened and my career started taking off.

Watching these documentaries made me realize something: I don't play by the rules. I'm at my best when I'm not following the rules. I'm an Aquarian which means that I go in the exact opposite direction of everyone else. That's where I'm my best. I have the opportunity to make my way in the world by not going in the direction everyone else is going in. I have to dream bigger. I have to jump two to three steps in order to be successful. Thinking small doesn't work for me. It's antithetical to my very being. I'm not normal.

What is normal? Having three jobs that I have to juggle - which could be a very real possibility coming up. Normal is not having a designated living space right now. Being rootless. That won't always be the case, but I'll have to find a way to make that work for now. I want my own space. I want to create my own reality - and it will be small initially. I want to take every opportunity and make it work for myself. I am now well aware of my power and what it takes to do the things I want to do.

I have said that the play I wrote this year has broken me open as a writer. I'm excited and curious to see where that leads me. Who am I as a writer now? That remains to be seen. But right now I do know that I am a playwright/TV writer/teacher/theatre company member. And I've got a lot of work to do. I've got this far not caring what other people think and I'm going to continue along that road. I've got strong opinions and I fight for what I believe in. I'm going to continue to do that. I don't have time for my brother's negative opinions that things are good now, but "what about next year?" I don't live that way - that thinking doesn't sit well with my soul. I'm a hardworking optimist. So what if I rub some people the wrong way? I can't be concerned with that. I've got to run my restaurant the way I want to. I've got to follow my instinct. And to do that, I've got to be alone. That's the best way for me to access my Power for now.

My intention is expansion.
My intention is to say YES to everything. 
My intention is to have it all.
My intention is to juggle and spin the plates.

I am grateful for a day of rest.
I am grateful for shutting off.
I am grateful for the end of Thanksgiving leftovers.
I am grateful for 11:11.
I am grateful for quiet.

Overwhelmed

Art matters! Especially now!
Teaching jobs!
Writing gigs!
Pilot rewrite!
Personal safety!
Fights to wage!

I'm a bit overwhelmed right now. Also a bit hungry. I'm waiting for my meal at the Korean Spa where I'm supposed to be writing today. I have students I'm supposed to be getting notes back to. I have 28 students, so I'm having to rush through notes to get everything done in time for them to do rewrites. I'm being told by friends that I need to not do so much work for my students. And I'm not excited to finish these notes, not because I don't adore my students. But because I know I'm being compromised. It's too many students. Even maintaining my cap of 25 would have been overwhelming. I know I'm not giving them everything I can give them. But I also know that these students need me more than many because they're at a state school. It makes me realize how lucky I was to have gone to private schools.

I love teaching. But I don't like this compromise of having to peruse student work instead of dive into it because of time. It's either my own work or theirs. And I have to choose mine. But seriously, the compromise is driving me crazy. I'd say that it's killing me, but given the serious shit that's going down in our country right now, I don't want to be flip with my expressions.

I have a pilot I'm trying to fix. But I'm immobilized right now. It's that normal fear and anxiety that all writers feel when they have to work on something. We curl up in a fetal position and we whimper in a corner because life is hard. Writing is hard. Living is hard. I always get this way and then I remind myself at some point that I need to keep going. And then I do.

I'm having a hard time with that today. Thinking about work possibly starting in January and the vacation I'm going to have to reschedule or adjust because of work - which I'm glad to have, by the way.

And then there's this overwhelming feeling that I need to be doing something about the world we're living in, about the fact that a white supremacist faction has entered the White House (making it the really White House), and my voice is more important than ever. I've been looking for purpose in the work that I do - the commercial work that I do - and it looks like I've found it. Because people don't go to the theatre or see the theatre in the numbers that people watch TV. And if our shows have people who are different shades, shapes and sizes, of different experiences, and with different opinions, but they still stick together, then maybe that will reflect back to our world. We need to remember that our differences enrich us all. And that none of us can be intolerant. I can't be liberal and intolerant. And people can't be conservative and intolerant. Yes, I'm always the one who has to adapt to my surroundings. I'm never the one who has to be adapted to. And I've taken that habit of adapting into my relationships, into my work life - into all aspects of my life.

I have the feeling the anger in me is about to have a voice. I find myself angry at my liberal friends who  haven't been the best allies. And they're feeling even more overwhelmed than I am. Because even though this world is scary now, it has always been a scary place for me. I've just gone outside. And when I read how much people have been upset and blown away by what has happened to our country because of the election, I want to dismiss their feelings. But then I remember that for many of them, this is the first time they've felt ostracized or dismissed in a real way. And I want them to remember that feeling and know that I'm here with them. And now we're truly on the same team. And let's do shit.

But I get that feeling of not knowing what to do as well. I've got my fury to carry me for right now. And that's okay. That anger will become action. It's already becoming action. My theatre company is organizing and getting a group together. I've sent emails. I've made phone calls. I started writing something new. All I can do is keep going. The world needs me.

My intention is unity.
My intention is expansion.
My intention is awareness.
My intention is action.

I am grateful for music.
I am grateful for a quiet refuge.
I am grateful for love.
I am grateful for theatre.
I am grateful for friends to go to the theatre with.