I Don't Care

I had a conversation with someone today who I'm working with who said something to a person in a higher position in power that I wish they hadn't said. I had said something in a private conversation that was a possible solution to a problem we were having on something I'm working on. It wasn't information that needed to be made public. And my director and I ended up solving the problem anyway. However, because this person went to a higher up about something they thought was an issue, the pot got stirred.

That person was explaining to me what happened after I called them to the carpet. They asked me if I wanted to know what they said. I said, "No." That person insisted. Then I said, "I don't care." Because it was irrelevant to the conversation. That person just wanted to absolve themselves and they shouldn't have been absolved. It would also just continue the stirring of the pot. I'm worried about the drama on stage, not the drama about a conversation that doesn't really matter, except for the fact that I felt a trust was violated - even if it wasn't meant that way.

The words escaped my lips - I don't care. Harsh? Rude? Insensitive? Direct. True.

It made me reflect on how I handle things now versus how I used to handle them. Years ago, I would have gone straight to my director and recounted everything - making more and more out of it.  I would have gossiped about it and tried to make this other person look bad. I'm not telling my director until we're done with the process, as a way to debrief. But not to talk smack about this other person. And most likely, I wouldn't have confronted that other person, but I would have talked shit about them behind their back. But now…I don't care. I don't care if I'm liked, so I'll tell you what I think - as directly and compassionately as possible. But I won't beat around the bush. I don't need to be liked. I need to be respected - and I'll be respected by making sure that my actors and director are in the best position to do the best work they can. I care about making sure that I did my work and gave the actors a play that's good. I care about doing my work and upholding my end of the deal. I have to uphold my end of the deal because I'm demanding. I can't be demanding if my shit isn't tight.

Not caring about what other people think of me is freeing because it allows me to operate from my moral, spiritual and emotional center. Worrying about if people think I'm an asshole is a waste of time. My first playwriting professor said to me years ago, "No one cares how the work gets done, as long as it gets done."

I am grateful for my resolve.
I am grateful for my circle of trust.
I am grateful for music.
I am grateful for too many things to do that I can't sweat the small stuff.
I am grateful that I am developing a way of working that works for me.