2016 Intention: Growing My Artistic Community

This year has been great in the way that seeds have been planted for me to have more of an artistic community.

Years ago I was working in Hollywood in a job that I felt stifled me. I felt trapped. I had pursued this writing career from the perspective from the perspective of someone who wanted to become rich and famous and  therefore validated and important. As I realize now, that was an empty pursuit. I was trying to gain control of something that I have no control over. I have no control over whether or not something that I write will hit the zeitgeist and cause the impossible to happen. The best thing I can do is enjoy the work that I do and continue to do it. Thankfully, I haven't run out of ideas and I've had the time to execute them.

But all of those years ago, I just wanted a community. So I was invited to join the Playwrights Union where I got to hang out with other writers. I got to have conversations about writing and not just geek out about theatre twice a year when I went to these theatre festivals with my boss. And I started writing plays that I got to hear in readings. I met up with these people for writing dates and we talked about our careers and we encouraged each other.

Then I wanted to get more involved in LA Theatre. So my friend Jennie brought me into Rogue Machine to do some work there. And that was great. I was greatly encouraged by them. But last year was the year that the intention to work more in LA theatre was realized. I did a reading at the Celebration. I had my play developed with Moving Arts. I got the word that I'd be doing some thing with the Blank. And I joined the Chalk Rep writers group. My material got out to The Road Theatre and I worked with someone who's a member at Anteaus. I feel like my entry into LA theatre got off to a great start this year.

I want that community to continue to grow and nourish me. I'm hoping to do more work with these theaters in 2016. Production, perhaps? I feel that's the next step with these places. Get these plays done already! I feel like I am meeting more people and we're finding some creative common ground. It means a lot that these theaters are into the stuff that I'm doing. It's really necessary to do that, I believe.

I wrote a play this year which seems to be getting attention from people who have seen a reading or read it. I'm hoping that that seed grows into me getting recognized on the national level. I want to continue to work and grow within my community here. I also want to start working nationally on the regional level and beyond because that's how things happen. I want to continue to be challenged and pushed. I'm not seeking validation from that outside community. But in order for my name to mean something, which means my work is being pushed forward, I have to be familiar to people. My work has to be familiar to people.

I'm already working on a new play in which I'm really putting myself out there. It's the next progression from the topical play I wrote this year which I exposed some of my political beliefs. I ran the risk of not being smart enough to talk about what I wrote about in this play. But I had to trust myself and my passion for what I was writing. Now I have to trust that what I have to say about a very dark time in my time and a very rough time will be entertaining to anyone else but me. I'm about to get deeply personal in 2016. And I guess that's okay.

I want to have more collaborators and more people who I get to know and get to work with. I met a lot of great actors this year through my readings. I met a lot of great people who inspire me and who brought my work to life in a great way. And I want to write more and write a lot of different characters so I can meet more actors and bring them into my squad, as it were. Here's to working with really talented people in the new year!

I am grateful for the time I have to reflect.
I am grateful for my new Adidas sweatpants.
I am grateful for my artistic community.
I am grateful for the people who support me.
I am grateful to be home at Midnight on New Years.
I am grateful for every experience I had this year.

Happy 2016!

2016 Intention: Planting Seeds for Positivity

As I look back on 2015 (which is less than an hour from being over), I realize that the things I did are setting me up for a good 2016. Nothing good just happens out of thin air. When you look back, you realize everything that went into making that positive thing happen. 

In 2014, I decided that I would write every day. I used the deadlines that came up for competitions to make deadlines for myself. I wrote a play in February that year, which was read in May 2014 for our reading festival. Then it was read in May 2015 and it will have another staged reading in April 2016. Then in March of 2014 I wrote a new pilot really quickly. When the deadline for Sundance came along, I sent it off with the story bible I had in May. Then I had to finish the play rewrite for our reading series and I started a spec House of Cards for the studio fellowships. I went away to Monterey for a week to get that stuff done. Based on that, my friend Tim gave me his office while he was away. Then when he came back that office became available and I took it. I wrote more until I had five scripts written by the end of October 2014.

This year, I had a play development fellowship where I got eight months to fully realize a new play. I had two internal readings, a workshop and a public reading. That kept me busy until September. Then I wrote a new pilot and rewrote another one. The rewritten pilot is being worked on so I can start sending it out to agents and managers in my search for new representation. If 2014 was the year of productivity, then 2015 was the year of focusing on a project through several drafts. And 2016 is set to be the year of the monthly challenge. I am taking that concept of these deadlines I am setting for myself and giving myself a new challenge every month. I want to use that productivity and that focus to reach for the things that I want this year, such as getting a staff job on a TV show. I've said I've wanted that for years, but I've never really focused on what it would take to get there. Sure, I wrote scripts. But I didn't have a vision as I was writing of what I wanted to get out of those efforts. I wasn't setting intentions. 

All of the seeds I've planted in the past two years have led me to greater productivity and a greater quality of work. Now it's time to see what these planted seeds will bring about. The good thing and bad thing about me is that I'm relentless. I'm stubborn. When used in the right way, it means that I'm like a dog with a bone and I won't let it go. But that can also backfire on me because sometimes I don't know when to quit and try a new approach.

I'm trying to live my life in a more positive way as well. I'm trying to focus on the work and not the rewards. It's hard when those rewards feel like indicators of hard work. But I'm working and have been working this hard for a long time. Sure, I've focused more in the past two years. But I've been diligently doing the work on myself that it takes to be productive in my work. I am planting seeds. Now I wish these plants would spring up and become fully grown trees in an instant, like when Jack had magic beans and a beanstalk spouted up overnight. But as we learned in that fairy tale, sometimes when things grow too quickly that can also be dangerous. 

I can only hope that as I get more vulnerable and my life will open up to more possibilities.

I am grateful for all of this good thought.

I am grateful for quiet nights.

I am grateful for peace.

I am grateful to be still enjoying my work and growing from it.

I am grateful that I know who I am.

2016 Intention: Better Communication in my Relationship

I could say "I want better communication in all of my relationships." Because I think it extends beyond my relationship with my boyfriend. My brother and I had a huge fight when I was visiting and I fully engaged with him in the struggle of who's going to win. My relationship with my father growing up was about who was going to win the argument. Someone needs to be right, which makes the other person wrong by default. That's how I learned to communicate, by being defensive and angry.

I have taken that into my relationship with me. And it's how my family communicates. It's a constant tug of war over who needs to be wrong so someone can be right. It's exhausting and unnecessary. This is a byproduct of how we were raised and I want it to end. I carry it and it has been destructive to my relationship. But when my brother and I get together and we engage in that dynamic, it gets nasty fast. It gets elevated. And it gets serious. I didn't like that argument. I didn't like that I went there. And I didn't like that I ended up convulsing in tears because it took me back to a place that was very hurtful. And it proved that if someone makes themselves the winner, then someone will be the loser. And in that situation, in tears, I was the loser. Of that game.

But I won't apologize or feel bad for being vulnerable and showing that. Vulnerability's big for me. It's a hard hurdle to jump over. And I just showed myself, however that got interpreted. But bringing it back to communication, it's important for me to listen. Just as important as it's important for me to be heard. Sometimes I feel like that's not the case and I go to a deep place immediately when I feel like I am not being listened to. It's a deep sensitive subject for me.

I want to have better communication with my boyfriend. I hope that's something we can build on. It would be nice to connect to each other in a way that feels good for both of us.

I am grateful for my vulnerability.
I am grateful for the person I am becoming.
I am grateful for the friends around me who support that.
I am grateful for the love I have in my life.
I am grateful that I have a boyfriend who support me.

2016 Intention: Productivity into a Financially Stable Career

Actually the whole intention is

I want all of my productivity to turn into an active and financially stable and sustaining career.

The past two years have been massively productive. I don't say that to brag. I say it to remind myself because I too easily forget that I have been making progress and that results in feeling I have to reinvent the wheel constantly. And that's a big waste of time. It's better to build on something than to have to build from scratch every time.

In 2014, I wrote five scripts and almost 1000 pages. In 2015, I wrote three full scripts and started a fourth. Plus I came in at around 2000 pages. Or at least double what I wrote in 2014. Why so productive? Or better…HOW? I stopped worrying about setting goals and I got down to the business of doing stuff. It's great to set an intention and to say I want to be rich. Or I want this year to be the year that I trust myself. Or I want this year to be the year I finally break up with the person who's not right for me. But if you don't do the incremental things it takes every day, then you'll never get it done because it's too hard to take on in one big fell swoop. I had a lot of reprogramming to do. I was the kind of person who wanted to dream it and then have it come to fruition because I wanted it the most or because I had gone to a famous grad school or because I was God's chosen person or any number of countless reasons that made me feel entitled to greatness. Now that entitlement came from insecurity and feeling that I needed to be great and had to be great and that the world owed it to me because of how much I had suffered in life. The truth is we all suffer. Some of us survive it. Some of us don't. But suffering is a shared experience. This daily practice of doing a little bit each day to see my intentions come to fruition has been a revelation. It's something a lot of my cohorts had naturally. They weren't entitled and they were getting the work done and they were seeing success. So I had to get with the program.

Like I said, the past two years have been about productivity. I want to be a show runner. In order to do that I need to get on someone else's show first. And if I want to survive, I need to be well conditioned. I need to already have the car warmed up. So writing eight (almost nine) new scripts with several drafts over the past two years helps in working that muscle. I could jump on a staff tomorrow and handle the workload. The fringe benefit of that is that I now have several samples to show. Some of the scripts I wrote are straight up usable samples. Some of the scripts were what helped me get better and they'll never see the light of day. But most are usable. And the more I've done it, the better I've gotten at it in increasingly shorter and shorter amounts of time. I just wrote a "first draft" of a pilot script that's really a revised version of another script I've written several drafts of. But again, since I'm not reinventing the wheel and I'm building on that experience, I have a pretty solid version of it and will have a draft ready to send out that I wrote in less than two months.

But now that I have this productivity and product, what do I do now? Good question. The second half of that intention is that this becomes an active and financially stable and sustaining career. In other words, I want to make a living as a working TV, Film and Theatre writer. I want that to be my main source of income. I want the money I make and pay my bills with and pay off my debts with to be from that source. That doesn't mean I won't get money from elsewhere while I'm working towards that end, but I don't want to just be taking jobs to make ends meet forever. I want to take jobs and create opportunities that are a direct result of being proactive, not reactive.

All of that sounds nice, doesn't it? The first part of the HOW has to do with productivity. The second part has to do with asking for help. I need representation--agents and/or managers--who are helping me cover ground that I can't cover on my own. I need to spend my time writing and they need to pick up some of the selling. It's true that I might get many jobs on my own. It's true that I might be getting most of my first jobs on my own. But I need someone to share the workload with. I need someone to bounce ideas with. I need a collaborator. But like any collaboration, I can't fully engage if I don't have a level of trust. And I can't get to that level of trust if I make a poor decision about who to work with. And I can't make that decision of who to work with unless I know what I want.

I want someone who's a fan of what I do and encourages me to make what I do the best version of what I'm capable of. That person will not try to make me into someone else. Or follow the trend. Because those are signs that you're just not into what I'm about. If you are fully into what I'm about, you're going to encourage me to do it more. That's who I want. And I believe I have the work that shows that I'm capable of all the things I think I'm capable of. Once we've got the right team in place, then I can fully engage in collaboration. But it's no good if I'm holding back because I don't trust that person. And maybe that won't happen on the first shot. But that's the goal.

With that team in place, then I can start working. And it's my belief that once I get these opportunities to have these meetings and be in these rooms, then I can give this a real shot. And if it doesn't work out, then I'll do something else. But I want to be working on a career that makes me satisfied and helps me grow. Money's important going into this new year. I want to start building a life for myself.

I am grateful for all the moments of my life.
I am grateful for the challenges.
I am grateful for the friends who listen and support.
I am grateful to have a sense of humor about everything.

2016 Intention: Peace of Mind

I meditate.
I sit in silence a lot.
I make time for quiet.
And yet I STILL need Peace of Mind?
Let me explain…

I'm working toward a state of being where thoughts flow through me, where I give less of a shit about things and where anxiety doesn't consume my time and thoughts. My meditation practice helps, I should be doing it twice a day. I should be doing it at least once a day. It doesn't always happen. So in 2016, I want to make sure I do it every day.

My friend Hilary and I were hanging out yesterday while I was visiting Portland. We talked about how as you get older, you stop giving a shit. Maybe it's that I care less about what other people think. I spent so much of my life being such a people pleaser and not wanting to be a guy people could criticize, chastise or hate. No one is that guy. No one walks through life free from other people's opinions. You can't stop the opinions. But you can stop reacting to them. And you can stop needing their approval. That's where I'm trying to be. And that's what I mean by peace of mind.

Doing the daily work of doing what I love helps. I write every day. I make time in my life to write. When I had even less peace of mind I spent most of my day doing things I hated. I constantly felt like I was compromising myself. I don't feel that way these days. I will have to take "day jobs" or gigs that take me away from writing my own stuff 24/7. What I have learned in the past several years is that if I am clear in the intention of what I want to be and I don't completely give that up, I'm on the right path. Even if my path takes me to writing on someone else's show or into the classroom or even into an office for a nine-to-five job. I can't give up writing. And making a plan for writing is what keeps me on that path.

I have friends who have a hard time trying to get everything done. I think that's pretty common. No one has the perfect set up of unlimited time, finances and ideas. We all face challenges to our productivity. We all face limits. I have friends who write one or two scripts a year, which is remarkable. For me, I like to write more. Some of that has to do with having ideas that are popping. Some of that just has to do with my own competitive nature with myself. I feel like I have to build those muscles. If I wrote x amount of scripts last year, then maybe I'll try to write more this year. Because once I can do more, I try to. And that's not coming from some arrogant place of "I'm better" or "look at how awesome and productive I am." I try not to think about how others are seeing me. I often fail at that. I mostly fail at that. But my main goal in life is to have a daily experience that's good.

That comes down to peace of mind. If I'm in a good place with what I'm doing then I have less anxiety and I worry less about what others are doing or thinking. That actually frees up a lot of space to get shit done. When you stop spending time on things you don't need to worry about, then you've got more time to do the things you need to do. Worrying for me is like filling up on white dinner rolls and starches at the buffet. When I'm at the buffet, I go for salads and meats. I go for the things that are of the highest quality with the smallest amount of bad stuff and I load up. That usually means (if the buffet is good) that I'm filling up on a lot of different things. I get to try and taste everything. It's a perfect analogy of how I try to live my life. Less filler, more thriller. Any food analogy is a good one.

It started out years ago with a cleanse I did. Once I started being more conscious of what I was putting into my body because I had to, it gave me the feeling that I could take that concept and place it in other areas of my life. I could be more mindful of the thoughts I was putting into my head. Then I could be more thoughtful about the people I was allowing into my life. This eventually lead me to the realization that I need more quiet in my life. Then I started driving around without the radio on. Eventually that lead me to meditation. And meditation led me to needing more silence in my life and now I try to live with only the necessary sounds and messages I need to hear. Again, no filter.

So my intention is for Peace of Mind. But I've already been building up to it. So I guess my intention is to maintain that state of mindfulness like a steady hum of necessary white noise. And that background noise is not made up of filler, it's all good stuff.

I am thankful for the time off I just had.
I am thankful that I did nothing and I shut my brain off.
I am grateful for the energy that has brought about.
I am grateful for the clarity that has brought about so I can set intentions.
I am grateful that the Universe is speaking clearly to me.
I am grateful that I am getting the courage to listen.

2016: Setting Intentions

In my last post, I talked about this "new normal" that was taking place in my life. I now take a moment to look at the things I want and to consider why I want them. I am trying to be more mindful.

My new normal is not just about ambition or about gaining accolades so that people know how great I am. I have to know that internally and I have to be fine if I'm the only one who knows it. If I start making decisions based on what I think people want me to be or what will make me look good, I'm a lost case.

I have been using this blog as a gratitude journal for a while now. And I feel that the thing I have to add to that is intentions. I need to start making intentions in every post. And they can be silly things or serious things. They can be big or they can be small.

Just like everything, I need to proclaim them and then surrender them to the universe. Let them go. I can't hold onto anything too tightly.

So here are some intentions:

• I want some peace of mind.
• I want for all of this productivity to turn into an active and financial stable and sustaining career.
• I want better communication in my relationship.
• I want to plant more seeds for more positive things to happen in my life.
• I want to continue to grow my artistic community in Los Angeles and beyond.

I am grateful for the friendships that sustain me.

I am grateful for the number of blog posts in these past few months.

I am grateful for food in my belly.

I am grateful for a lot of good things happening this year.

I am grateful for my man.

2015: Wrap It Up!

I finished what I think is the rewrite for this pilot I've been working on today. It's only the 22nd of December. In my mind, I should be working, working, working away until the 31st and then picking back up on the 1st. That's completely silly and ridiculous. I need a break! But I don't know when to turn off.

I'm in Portland with my family starting tomorrow until the 30th. That will be my time to turn off. If I have more work to do on the script, then it will happen when I get back. But for the next week, all I have to do is lay around the house, play with the munchkins, watch Pippi Longstocking movies with them and start my binge watching. It's time for some time away. I look forward to these family holiday trips every year to Portland. I love that they've become a tradition.

This year has been incredibly productive and I'm really grateful for it. I wrote a bunch this year and that's kind of amazing. I'm looking forward to new challenges next year and I need to get other areas of my life in order. The funny thing is, at least for the first four months of the year, I'll be really busy with the writing. I'll also be teaching and I really want to lose 20 pounds. I want to have more of a fitness routine back in my life. I think that would be good for me.

As I reflect on this year and the good that came from it, I feel like I have laid a foundation for things to happen in 2016. Maybe that's wishful thinking. Maybe that's bullshit. Or maybe it's self-knowledge and faith in the universe. Who knows? But it's what's getting me out of bed in the morning. It's what makes me hopeful for the day. I'm hoping to use this week to recharge. This is the first time I've been back to Portland since I almost moved there this summer. It's so crazy to think that I would be living there right now and I would have uprooted my whole life if I had gotten this job. And I of course would have taken it because that would have been the thing to do. But it would have been the wrong thing and I think the month of rain would have depressed me. I never would have finished the play in the way I needed to. I never would have written these two additional scripts that I wrote in the past three months. I never would have started a new play. And I wouldn't still have my support system here.

2016 could bring about a lot of changes. I've only applied to teaching jobs out of state. I don't even fucking remember where I applied at this point. I'm looking to get new representation at the top of the year. That could change a lot. There are a lot of unknowns. But that's exciting. Not knowing what's coming. I'm trying to embrace it. I feel like a lot of what I went through since my Dad died is starting to come to fruition. Now I find out if my instincts were right. I took a lot of time to figure stuff out. More than I thought I would. And I'm not ashamed of that or regretful. I never wanted to retreat from things or runaway. I thought I would get back to "normal life" a lot sooner. But now the normal I knew is not the same normal. I've changed. Maybe 2016 will be the fruition of that change.

I'm looking to take some of that equity I've built up and using it. It has been a wild five years since the beginning of that change. I'm a big fan of segments of time. So maybe the last five years were about something and the next chapter is beginning. It certainly feels like the energy is setting me up for things to be happening at the top of the year. I've got a new adventure with teaching this class in San Diego and getting back to a regular teaching schedule. I am looking for a new professional team to get me to the next level. But what's the next level? There's a "new normal" in town. All of the things that I used to want before mean something different now. I need to be creating a life that brings me closer to my boyfriend not pull us away. I have a life as well as ambitions. So how do I marry the two?

I also have this play that I wrote that is now getting exposed to the world. There might be a life out there for it. I've got a new play I'm working on that's incredibly personal. And I have a reading of an older play that I wrote two years ago coming up in April and I've got to rewrite that in March. I'm working with three theatre companies in town, which makes me extremely happy. Two months ago, I had no idea what this coming year would bring. And then I had a thought of giving myself a new challenge every month. And even that's a new normal. It's not about trying to chase the dragon or be competitive. But it's about rising to a new challenge. I got a lot done over the past two years and now I want to see what else is out there. I know that I can write five new things one year and then three things that I've worked on a little more intensely the next. So can I write and rewrite and have five polished scripts the following? Or can I have a regular job and still have time for my own writing? Those are the challenges I'd like to give myself. Can I have balance? Can I continue to make time for fitness and for relationships and for a social life?

Right after my Dad died, I thought that one day I would get back to "normal life." I knew that things would start making sense again. I knew that I'd "get off the hamster wheel" and then have to get on again. I hoped it would mean something different. I hoped that it would prioritize things for me in a different way. And it turns out that it did. But I wanted it to happen the day after he died. Or six months later. Or, at the longest, a year later. I didn't know that it would take me as off course as it did. I realize now that I had to go that off course. I've had people in my life wonder why it has been this long. I understand that. But this is my journey and I had to go on it. I don't regret it. Like I said before, at no time did I ever feel like I was just retreating or running away. I felt like I was running toward something, but I didn't know what, which meant that I was running for a long time. It's not that I have some destination in mind now. But I know what challenges I want to set before myself. I know that I want to be challenged and the challenges seem to be leading me towards something.

Listen, it's confusing for people when they hear you say that you're going to take time for yourself. It seems irresponsible. But it's also irresponsible to lose yourself. I had surrendered myself to the needs of others. I had a gift I wasn't using. And now I am using it. This year I've discovered things about myself that I didn't know. I became a kind of writer I didn't know I was capable of being. I wanted to be great in order to say that I was great or for people to respect me. But I was less interested in the work being good or making a contribution. It was all ego. That was the journey I was on. I needed validation because I felt like the world owed me. Now I love writing and I write. I hope people get exposed to it, but I can't control that. Also, I wanted it all for the wrong reasons.

I'm going to teach next year and I'm excited about it. I planned out my syllabus and did some thinking on it. But then I put it down. I have an idea of what I want to do, but my priority is writing. My priority is my creative work. So I will teach and I will work around my creative work, but I'm not going to stop writing for three months because of my teaching schedule. I can't. I've got actual things that are due. And I'm asking people to depend on me, so I have to show up. I have a responsibility to the people who will eventually be my representatives. I have responsibility to the theaters who are working with me next year. I have to make it all work because the work is exciting to me. I also need to do the internal work and continue my meditation practice and my need to have quiet time. I need to make time for personal space as things get exponentially busier.

As we close out this year and this Q4 of 2015, I have taken stock. I have been grateful for everything that happened this year and I look forward to the great unknown. I look forward to a stage that has been set. And I am deeply and truly thankful.

I am thankful for the three projects I wrote this year.
I am grateful that actors, directors, dramaturges and artistic directors trusted me this year.
I am grateful for the work that came out of the struggle.
I am grateful for the encouragement I felt this year.
I am grateful for the love that continues to grow.
I am grateful for the ability to be unafraid to keep pushing.
I am grateful for the natural cycle of life that happens when we pursue what's in our heart.

The Moment I Remember the Most This Year

As Christmas is coming and the end of the year approaches, it's all about a personal review of moments from this year. And the moment I remember the most from this year happened in May. I had gone through about three months of working on this new play and had a public reading of it. The theatre I was working with wasn't sure I should do a public reading yet. But I knew I needed it as a part of my process. I had asked my dramaturg to give me a break for six weeks while I worked on this play on my own. I was going to cast it myself and put it together on my own. I decided that I wouldn't have a director who would get in the middle of the process I knew I would be having with the director I was bringing in for my workshop.

This was the moment where I stopped listening to anybody. Now we're often told that this is the moment where things fall apart. And I was willing to take that risk. I had the support of the theatre up to this point. They did support me ultimately in the decision I felt I needed to make, but I got a lot of flack for it that was unproductive. We did a reading of it in April where I got a lot of conflicting advice. I had two friends tell me what they responded to. That left me feeling like I was at a crossroads. When I shared that info with my dramaturg, that gave her the opening to express how she felt the play could be more contained and smaller than I had written it. I remember a conversation we had where I realized that the play she had in her head and the play I was writing were two different plays. I needed a break.

Since this reading was not through the theatre, I asked for that break. I explained that since this was separate from our process, I was going to take the time to work on my own. To be honest, I didn't doubt that what I was doing was the right thing. Even if I fell on my face, I knew it was the right thing to do. I had to claim my play. I had some thoughts on what I needed to do. I got rid of two actors and make it a six person play. I really ripped the play apart. I don't remember what those six weeks were like, but I know that everyone was shocked by how much work I had done.

I ran that rehearsal like crazy. I knew what I wanted. I knew how I wanted to hear things. I remember that it was a hot day that day and the air in the theatre was turned up. Ironically, the theatre we were performing in was the theatre that was developing my play. So it still felt like they were involved somehow. The play really struck a nerve. When I saw it in front of an audience, I knew that it was the play I wanted to continue to work on. What the play ultimately became was cemented on that day and the six weeks prior. It was cemented in my choosing to work without guidance or crutches. Now it feels like a huge risk, but then it felt like I had to get everyone out of my head. I got my two best friends out of my head as well as my dramaturg.

I remember coming out of the theatre. My boyfriend was there, so that meant a ton to me. Friends were there and supportive. As we were coming out of the theatre, my friend Cory asked me how I felt about it. And as I was explaining my feelings, I burst into tears. I burst into tears! I've never been so overcome with emotion in that way. I was talking about how I wrote it for my niece and nephews. I looked at my friend Lolly, who looked so nurturing in that moment. And my friends huddled around me a bit. I couldn't believe that I was crying over my own work. But the tears came from the fact that I took that risk, I wrote the play that was in my heart to write. And people saw the potential. Of course, it would be another four months before we did a final reading in September of an even better version of the play all around with a fantastic cast and brilliant direction. But this was the moment I will remember from all year because I embarrassed myself with a huge display of emotion. It was heartfelt. It gave me the strength to deal with any disagreements from the rest of the year. I knew I could stand strong in my vision for the play because once I demonstrated it, I knew the blueprint.

I've had many creative differences this year. I've learned how to handle myself better than I would have if I just let my ego lead. I've had to smile and nod at people while they said insulting things. I had to listen and let go of other things. But I know now to trust my instincts. Theatre's collaborative and I thrive on that collaboration. Listening's very important. But the other thing that was important that I never knew before was that you can stick to your guns and not be punished for it. Now that gives a lot of egomaniacs free reign. But I hope I'm not just an egomaniac. I hope I can see objectively how to fix what needs to be broken and how to leave certain things well enough alone. I learned to trust myself this year in a way I've never been able to before.

It has made all the difference.

I am grateful for my instinct.
I am grateful for collaboration.
I am grateful for emotional outbursts.

Why I didn't post a lot this year

I guess the short answer is that I had a lot of writing to do this year. I've clocked in close to 2000 pages between new drafts, re-drafts and rewrites. So I can say that a lot of my writing happened in script form this year. Now last year, it seemed that whenever I was writing I was writing everywhere. My most productive periods of time seemed to also include lots of blogging. That wasn't the case this year. Maybe that's because I also kept journals for the four projects I worked on this year. Those journal pages total 150 pages. So with the estimated 1830 pages I've written this year in script form, plus what estimated to finish this year, which should take the tool up to 1890, I am well over 2000 pages for the year and that does not include blog posts, which I'm sure I could total up if I wanted to. And maybe I will do an accurate count by the end of the year. A large part of me wants to know exactly how many pages I've written this year. I need to know that. It's really important.

All of the writing helps all of the writing. If I'm blogging, then that sometimes warms me up to get some pages done. If I'm journaling, that helps me figure out what I'm trying to work out in my head regarding a scene. And of course, writing pages helps me get to a polished draft of a script.  That sort of continual writing makes all of the writing better. It develops a practice. I'm certain that there were years that I wrote maybe 200-300 pages a year. And that would have been fine. That could have been two or three drafts of a full length play. Or several drafts of two different half hour scripts. If I wrote a play and a spec, which most years I did, then that would be 350 pages approximately. It would be under 500 for sure. Last year, I wrote mainly early drafts of five different scripts and that totaled 979 pages. That does not include blogs, of which I had 156 blog posts. So let's say that was 1 page each (which I'm sure it was more) that would 1035 pages. Let's say half of those were two pages each and that adds 78 pages. Then that would be 1113 pages. I'm probably still at about double that this year.

I don't have to double my pages for next year to get it up to 4000. I think that next year might be different because I will be working more. I know for the first three months of the year,  I will be teaching. I hope that more work comes my way. But I know that might cut my productivity a bit. However, I've counteracted that by setting up one challenge a month for myself. However, that might also be taken up by the fact that I will be rewriting at least two full length plays next year. As of right now, the plan is to write a new full length play, two pilots scripts and a screenplay. Plus a rewrite of a pilot I wrote this year. Okay, now that 4000 page count seems like more of a possibility.

I don't have to get all of that done. Some of it will be based on what I'm getting paid to do or what I'm being asked to do for play development through certain commitments I have. There's also a short play collection that might be coming in as well for me to write for a company out here. That would mean the following:

• Rewrite of October Pilot Challenge play
• Writing New February Challenge play
• Rewriting play for reading in April
• Rewriting play I worked on this year
• Writing a new screenplay
• Writing a new pilot I just got an idea for
• Rewriting the screenplay
• Rewriting the new pilot
• Writing four or five new short plays for a project
• Writing a new pilot for the October Challenge
• Rewriting that pilot
• Rewriting February Challenge play

So that's 12 rounds of writing. That's writing that's writing 5 new projects and rewriting 3 projects I've worked on before. That's 8. Holy shit! Is that even possible? If I'm getting paid for some of them, it certainly is. But I'll be teaching. I won't probably have all of my time to write all year. There might be patches. But mostly the new challenge for next year will be that I'll be juggling all of that writing between teaching.

If I'm working towards writing every day, then whatever I get done will be a success. And I'm super cool with that. It's not about reaching a certain number of scripts or pages. It's not about besting last year. Now the challenge is to forget all of those projects and to just pay attention to the over all goal for each month. Then I need to forget that and just work on something every day. That's how I got to almost 1000 pages last year and to almost 2000 this year. That's the only way to do it.

And hopefully, in the midst of all of that I will find time to write blog posts. Maybe more than ever.

I am grateful for tracking lists.

I am grateful to know that I have been productive.

I am grateful that more reminders than ever are necessary.

I am grateful that this is my life.

I am grateful to be teaching in the Winter and Spring.

I am grateful that more challenges are coming my way.

2016: The Year of Challenges

Each year is different.
I shouldn't feel the need to "top" myself, but only to improve.
I wrote almost 2000 pages of material this year, not including blog posts and journal entries for the projects I'm working on.
Yet, I want to create new challenges for myself for the purpose of personal growth.
So looking at the productivity I've had over the past few years, I decided I needed to challenge myself with a whole year of Challenges.

I do these Challenges with my playwrights group every year. We do a new play Challenge in February and a new pilot challenge in October. I decided to do a pilot rewrite challenge in November because I needed the motivation. So I thought…what if I have a new challenge every month. I sent the idea to a bunch of friends because I needed to be held accountable and I thought I'd offer that as a structure for working in the new year. The idea is to have the intention to challenge oneself every month with something new. I'm going to try to do something every month, but my friends can just use it how they need to use if, if they need to use it.

January: Rewrite something you started last year.
February: Rewrite the play I started at the end of last year.
March: Run once a day.
April: Write a new screenplay.
May: Write a new pilot.
June: Meditation.
July: Rewrite the play again.
August: Rewrite the screenplay. Also rewrite the pilot.
September: Be grateful for one thing every day.
October: Pilot Challenge.
November: Pilot Rewrite Challenge.
December: Something physical.

I'll probably adjust things here and there based on how my year turns out. The things I'll stick to are all of the non-physical challenges and the January and February challenges. Everything else is up for grabs, depending on the needs of my life. I know I have a play reading in April, so maybe March will be run and work on the rewrite. If I get some new reps, maybe I'll be writing another pilot earlier in the year. Maybe I'll get tired. Who knows? But it's a way, not to up the pages I wrote last year, but to give me more structure and variety. It's kind of what I've already been doing. But this is one challenge a month and one thing to focus on versus trying to generally get a certain amount of work done. It's a good thing.

I am grateful for challenges.
I am grateful for physical activity.
I am grateful for friendships.
I am grateful for quiet and stillness.
I am grateful for the lessons I've learned in life.
I am grateful for the generosity of friends.

2015: The Year in Review

I got together for lunch and a writing session with my friend Cory yesterday. He had been in Maine teaching for the Fall and we hadn't seen each other in about two months. Cory's one of my plutonic straight male friends. He's super cool and funny and he likes me. That's why we're friends. I also like him, immensely. He's charming and funny and wicked smart. We were standing outside of the cafe after lunch and talking about the fact that it had been a good year for both of us. It's hard to remember that in the midst of striving for the things we want. But he has gone to the Humana Festival and to Sundance this year. He got a great gig teaching too. We spoke about some friends who, no matter what, seem miserable. Great things could be happening, but you wouldn't know it--and neither would they--because their anxiety takes over. I understand fear and stress and worry. But here's what I learned about worry a long time ago: It's praying for something you don't want. I don't know where he heard it, but my ex had heard that somewhere. And I realized that once I lowered my anxiety, I had a lot more time to do other things.

Since this whole "Year in Review" thing seems to be an exercise in Gratitude, let me share what I've learned about gratitude over the past few years. When you're thankful for the things you have, you aren't preoccupied by the things you don't have. It just makes life easier to live. I might have friends who are very successful and full of anxiety all of the time. Just because you're anxious doesn't mean you can't be rich, rich, rich or famous, famous, famous or important, important, important. But it does mean that life isn't that fun to live. And I'd rather enjoy the day-to-day reality of my life. It's much better that way. I've learned that just the act of saying what I'm thankful for either in the moment, long afterward or in this blog helps me maintain a level of gratitude at all times. I live in a place of being grateful. Now I'm not always successful, but it's a better life when that's the standard. So that's all a precursor for me to talk about what I'm thankful for this year:

• I got to work on a play that's very important to me with a theatre company from scratch from February to September. And we had a successful reading. I got to work with people I love and who made my work better.
• I then got two pilots written between September and December.
• I got to work on a short play and that might result in a new project in the new year.
• I flew to Portland to interview for a job and got to see my niece and nephews again this year--a total of three times.
• I taught a bit this year and I got the call to teach in early 2016.
• I have supportive friends.
• I have a community of theaters I work with in LA. That's something I always wanted. I'm a member of a writer's group at Chalk Rep. I worked on a play with Moving Arts. I worked on a reading with Celebration Theatre. And I'll be having another reading with The Blank in the new year. I love having all of these relationships.
• I became a better writer this year because of all the productivity.
• I wrote almost 2000 pages this year with all the drafts I wrote this year. That's double what I wrote last year.

There are other things I'm thankful for. I have better perspective on life. And I'm a calmer person because of meditation and living more in the moment. I have less anxiety and more hope. I've had a good year and I think I'm being set up for a great year next year as well. Do I want more opportunities? Of course I do. But if I looked that this year without gratitude, then I'd be a fool. Many things that are already starting to look bright for next year are a direct result of what happened this year. I can only be thrilled for the investment I've made in myself and I'm moving into a different phase of my life. 

Hopefully, I can allow myself to really take a rest--and reset--before the new year starts. I need to recharge my battery with my boyfriend's love, the love of my family and especially my niece and nephews. I'm looking forward to just being a crazy fun uncle and laughing a lot.

I am grateful for family.

I am grateful for the thoughts in my head.

I am grateful for rest.

I am grateful for doing nothing.

I am grateful the things in life that make me smile.

I am grateful that I'm able to get new tires.

I am grateful that I'm still having fun.

Confidence

What's wrong with being confident?

Never thought I'd start a blog post by quoting a Demi Lovato song. But I have been thinking lately that if it's okay for me to beat myself up, then what's the harm in being confident? Every once in a while. God knows I couldn't handle it 24/7.

Confidence is overrated sometimes. But it's also hard to come by. I'm not naturally the most confident person. Mostly, I find myself needing to take the fetal position. And lately, I have had to spend the whole day by myself in order to stomach being social. Isn't that weird? I never had to do that before. When I was younger, I was so desperate for friends that when I got them finally I wanted to be out and about and social all of the time. I loved being a spectacle and saying crazy things for the sake of saying crazy things.

I don't have that impulse any more. I went and spent three hours at a spa before having to go to a housewarming party and then to an opening of a play. Maybe it's because I spent five years being the arm candy to a guy and having to go to parties all of the time. I recently have seen some Facebook posts and I have flashbacks to a former life. I'm glad I'm not there now. I love being social when I have to be. And then I love being totally quiet and reclusive the rest of the time. I enjoy my quiet time.

I thought I had to have unequivocal confidence in order to be happy or to be successful. We all carry the burden of insecurity. Sometimes it is a catalyst. Sometimes it's the cross that we bear. It honestly just depends on the day. Even despite my outward insecurities as a kid, I had something in myself that knew I was good. I have old friends from high school who said that I never carried myself like I was unsure of myself. That's peculiar because the inner turmoil I felt said something different. I have learned to be symbiotic with my insecurities. I'm never going to get rid of them. I had a huge bout of fear yesterday.

There are various sayings that say if something scares you you should do it. Actors are always interviewed saying, "Do the thing that scares you." I watch Inside the Actors Studio and that's what most of the actors say. They take a part because it scares the hell out of them. Yesterday, my boyfriend said something to me about a step I should take in my career and it scared the fuck out of me. This whole life scares the hell out of me sometimes. But that's when I know I should do it. Risk and change is good. But nothing that changes your life is smooth. Change by its very nature is disruptive. There is no smooth transition in changing one's life. Whether that change is death or something major happening. So the fear is good because it means I've reached a place where I need to push. Or where I am being pushed.

It's scary to take a step forward and to have a spotlight on oneself. I don't enjoy it. But having a spotlight is necessary to bring attention to one's self and one's work. I have the inner confidence of being secure in my work (sometimes). I know I'm talented. Now that doesn't mean I feel secure even a majority of the time. But I know I'm worthy enough to be standing where I am standing. But being an artist is such a mind fuck and such a playground for insecurity that it's an impossible life if you're a constant mess. So there needs to be something that holds it together, but you have to be emotional enough and open enough to let things in. I often mind myself on the brink of tears on a daily basis. And I'm cool with that. It means I have complete access to my feelings, which is imperative to do what I do and to be who I am.

Tomorrow I have a party to go to where I will have to be "on" for about four hours. I will be spending the day quiet and alone.

I am grateful for feelings.
I am grateful for encouragement.
I am grateful for true friendship and support.
I am grateful for good things.

I Wake Up...

This morning I woke up early, which I like to do. I woke up at 7 AM and I came downstairs and watched some interviews and read some interesting articles. I have to let my mind wake up a bit first. Then I need to do things like this and get my thoughts out on paper (or a computer screen) just to check in with myself and to see what I'm feeling. On a morning like this, when it's cold and I'm up in the canyon, it feels like a writing morning. It feels like I'm set up to succeed and take my time. I love it when it's quiet too.

I was at San Diego State teaching last week, filling in for a friend. And I taught two classes on a Tuesday and Wednesday, so I stayed overnight. And it was remarkable because usually I'm in bed at a certain time. I came home from class at 10 and went out and got some food. Then I sat in my room to look over some papers and to get some work done. That was terrific. But because it was so quiet I felt energized. I went to work at an office at around 12:30-1 am and the campus was so tranquil. I worked in this office for two hours in silence and then walked back across campus around 3-3:30 am and felt like there was this peaceful time that felt so relaxed. I was up until 5 am because I was just awake. It's incredible how much energy once has when there isn't a lot of noise. I've learned to appreciate stillness and to work well within it. It's not like I couldn't work otherwise. But when I'm usually in bed by 1am, to be energized until 5 am and to force yourself to go to sleep was an interesting observation. I could have stayed up all night I felt. And if I didn't have other things to do, I probably would have. I didn't feel tired the rest of that day. It was glorious.

So here I am at around 8:30 in the morning and just feeling relaxed. I'm a bit tired because I haven't had anything to eat yet. But I like the idea of fasting a bit in the morning and not rushing to put food in my mouth yet. Today I'm meeting with a friend for coffee (tea in my case) to chat about life. Then I've got to mail something off at the post office and after that I'll probably work most of the day on this pilot I'm trying to finish. I want to finish most of my work on it by Friday so I can either send it off to people or so I can have a little bit of a break before getting started again on stuff in January. 

I'm sitting here with my best friend's dogs and just reflecting on the week ahead. It's nice to just wake up and get in touch with yourself. I've got some productivity ahead, but before that starts a cup of tea and a couple hours of silence.

I am grateful for tea.

I am grateful for quiet.

I am grateful for sweetness and love.

I am grateful for the morning.

I am grateful for dogs.

Tuning In

It's a windy night in LA up in Laurel Canyon. I'm staying at my best friend's house so I can get some work done. She's working on American Horror Story tonight, so I have the place to myself. I've been here for five hours and haven't done a lick of work. I pulled out my copy of Turning Pro. I tried to distract myself by reading articles online. I've been eating up a storm (bigger than the storm outside). I've looked at the script I want to work on. But nothing has motivated me to work on it.

I spent most of this week teaching and working on my syllabus for next semester for a class I'm teaching down in San Diego. I'm excited to be teaching and it should be a lot of fun. But  I had papers to grade and a lot of work to do. I even had the drives up and back to think about stuff. I was even up until 5 in the morning the other day reading scripts and working on other work. I could have spent that time writing! It would have been perfect.

So the Universe gives me another night like that: alone, quiet, ominous…and I can't get my shit together. Then I think that maybe I should just work on my play and suddenly the thought of that seems easy. And maybe just the thought of the thought of working on a play seems easy to me right now. So I think about why it's harder to work on a TV pilot right now than a play. I had some thoughts.

• I've been working most of the year on a play and maybe that's why it feels easier.
• I have no expectations of the play at this point (the new one, not the old one--the play I worked on all year I have plenty of expectations of, which is why I'm working on a new one to distract me).
• Why is this so hard? I wrote two new pilots in October and November. I made it this far. Why can't I go the extra mile?

Then I remembered…it's always the hardest as I'm hitting the home stretch. It's always that way for me. I forgot that before the final reading of my play in September, I thought of just quitting and never finishing. The thought seriously crossed my mind. All the scenarios of getting this far and not being good enough whisked through my head. All of those feelings of self-doubt started getting louder and louder and louder. I kept looking for more and more things to distract me because I was scared.

Oh yeah: FEAR. It's back.

It never really left, but it just popped up like the Red Devil on Scream Queens to finally put the nail in the coffin. That reminds me…who's the killer on Scream Queens. I need to check that out. I didn't get to watch it on Tuesday because I was teaching. Oh well…anyway. FEAR. And what is that fear? Let's see if I can articulate it.

Okay, I just found out who the killer was on Scream Queens. See? It's that sort of FEAR that's distracting me from the main purpose of this blog. Okay, back on track:

• For me, the fear starts with not knowing if I can write a captivating hour of television. I need to get over that.
• It's setting up these expectations of what this all has to mean for me.
• It's the fear that I'm going to put in all of this effort and no one's going to bite.
• It's the fear that I suck.
• It's also a comfort zone issue. Teaching has become a comfort zone. I know I do it well. Plays are fucking hard, but this year they became a comfort zone. 

But I also have to remember that going into writing my play this year, I had all the same fears. I didn't know how it would turn out. I didn't know that I would find something I wanted to write about and then put so much passion into it. I didn't know that I could be firing on all cylinders writing this new play. But I came out being a better writer than before.

Yes, I want to be working on this new play because it's another play that's deeply personal and I like to work in that milieu. But I also want to prove to myself that I can write a strong pilot. I seem to have just the right amount of confidence and self-assuredness. But when it comes down to taking it all the way, I have a hard time with that. I think I did a much harder thing with the play this year in terms of subject and structure. It's a bigger feat. Then why is writing a TV pilot filled with so much more self-doubt? Maybe it's because I'm doing it by myself. I wrote the play with the support of a bunch of other people. When I was writing it, I knew that it had a home in terms of its development. I had the support of a theatre and that made it much easier to write. I felt safe. I don't feel safe writing this TV pilot. I feel like I'm subjecting myself to the wolves again.

I tried to do this before and it didn't work. I got close (kind of). I had a lot of almosts and maybes. And that was the process that took me away from myself. I had a lot of self-doubt about who I am as a writer and that's the reason I stepped away from it. So why try to write for TV now?

• I have stories to tell.
• I've got the skills.
• I'm not the writer I was four years ago.
• I'm not the person I was four years ago. I'm stronger. I know myself better.
• I want to.

I'm scared of it, though. I'm scared of the failure. But I'm also scared of willingly subjecting myself to something I know is destructive. I'm going with the theory that I'm different, so my reaction will be different. That is up to me. But will the same insecurities plague me? Probably. But when I say I'm not the same writer I was four years ago, that's absolutely true. The plays I have to show are different. They're deep and complex emotionally. Two were written before my Dad died. Two were written after and you can tell the different. The pilots I have to show are different. I have two pilots from the old era to show. One is about funerals. They are "sad coms." Then the three I will have to show that are one-hour soaps are vastly different as well. One's a family drama. One's an over the top soap. And one's a period drama. I am not just different because I say I'm different. I'm different because the material is different. And that's the only place it matters. My personal life's journey doesn't matter to anyone but me and my close clan.  I"m not a kid writing gay plays and sitcoms. I'm a more mature writer in a lot of ways. And I deserve a seat at the table. I'm talented enough and I'm interesting enough. I shouldn't have a problem there. I'm also not as agreeable as I used to be. And I think that might serve me well too. When you're too nice, people tend to take advantage of you. I'm not trying to be nice to anyone. I'm pleasant and sweet and cute. But I'm not going to kiss your ass. I think that might be the key difference that's important. If people think they don't have to pay you and still can get the value out of you, they will. 

I'm a man. I'm sensitive and I'm agreeable. But unfortunately we still live in a homophobic and misogynistic world. So anything that reads as feminine isn't taken as seriously. That's not fair. And we have to work to change that. But to be aware of that is important. To be seen as subservient in any way is a kiss of death. And I was that guy. I was a professional assistant in life. I'm not going to do that anymore. That's what I've learned over these four years. I'm assertive and I have to be. People might like me better if they feel they can take advantage of me, but they won't respect me. And I didn't get that for a long time. The guy who would have gotten there five or six years ago would have been a permanent second class citizen.  Not this guy. This guy isn't a push over. He's got a big loving heart. But he doesn't have to let everyone know. I know that seems like a cynical point of view. But I know what runs this town. And until I get to run this town--or at least my own writers room--then I've got to maneuver for survival.

I'm feeling better. I don't know why. But I feel better and more capable.

I am grateful for the ability to write.

I am grateful that I can be an asshole.

I am grateful that I see the good in others.

I am grateful that people see the good in me.

I am grateful for my life's adventures.

I am grateful for what I have learned.

I am grateful for a quiet night and the wind outside to keep me company.

Impostor

I just read a play I loved. And that never happens. Like most writers, I'm probably so competitive that whenever I read a play (not for fun or by a friend whom I love with all of my heart) I usually think, "I'm not going to like this." But the truth is, I love when things surprise me and I stop thinking with my critical eye and I start enjoying. I want to read great plays. But I assume that if I pick up a play to do coverage on, I'm not going to love it.

But this isn't a post about my love of plays or my surprise at loving this play. For some reason, reading about this playwright and about this play made me think about what his other plays might be like. I wanted to know if this play was indicative of his other writing. Then I thought about a conversation I had with a writer about five years ago about living in LA and being a playwright. He seemed to think I was silly for living in LA if I wanted to write plays. This writer had been living in LA for a long time and then moved to New York, where things had started to take off for him and all of a sudden he was a New Yorker. He also said something to me that struck me as so cynical. He said that he finally became successful when he finally wrote the play that he knew everyone wanted him to write. He felt people saw him as a certain type of writer and when he wrote to that, doors opened up to him. At the time, I thought this was really cynical advice and kind of the opinion of a know it all.

I think I thought of that writer because when I read this play and started investigating this playwright's work, I wanted to know if this is the kind of writer he is. And if this was a play he wrote out of being himself from a conscious or subconscious level. I'm not sure this play that I loved was about this guy's life. But it felt like it came from an honest place. And it was adventurous (at least by commercial standards) in its structure, which I always respond to. I love plays that are structured in a way that feels congruous with the story its telling. I try to do that in my own writing. So when it's accomplished like that, it just seems amazing to me.

Right now I'm writing a play that feels like it really comes from me. I'm a character in it, although I will never play myself because I'm not an actor and it would defeat the purpose of the metatheatrical ideas of putting myself as a character in my play. This play is not like the last play I wrote. I don't like to write the same play over and over again. I know writers who return to the same themes or to the same region when they write their plays. I don't think I could ever do that. Part of that is because I never really identified with one thing growing up. I didn't really identify culturally. I was a poor, brown kid at private schools. I felt like I was many fractured things instead of one coherent thing, so maybe that's why I always explore something else or something different from play to play.

But I wonder about other writers. Where do they write from? What's authentic to them? Is this play just well-written or does it hold some truth to who they are? I'm interested in that sort of stuff.

Anyway, I was listening to a recent interview with that writer who gave me all of that cynical advice years ago. And he sounded happy. He sounded like he was writing stuff that had meaning to him. He was living back in LA and seemed happy to be doing theatre in LA. I'm not a believer in holding someone hostage to a time in their lives. But I wondered if the person being interviewed was an authentic version of this guy or if the person I met years ago was the more authentic part of him. I might never know. I'm not sure it's important that I know which version was more authentic. But he sounded good on the radio.

I am grateful for friendships.
I am grateful to have quiet places to write.
I am grateful to friends I don't have to explain myself to.
I am grateful for distractions.
I am grateful that I get to teach next month for twelve weeks.
I am grateful for more fun in my life.

The Best?

Last night, I had the opportunity to see a short play of mine performed for a holiday party at Moving Arts, a theatre company I've become affiliated with. I remember years ago, maybe about three or four, I wanted to see plays of mine performed and I wanted to work with local theatre companies. I had no connections. Then a friend of mine brought me into a theater company called Rogue Machine here in LA. I got to see a play of mine performed by them for a little festival they had. That was a lot of fun. Then I was asked to be a part of a play development group they were running with a play I had written the summer before. That was wonderful.

I had been writing plays for years, but I was convinced that I had to put my focus into writing for TV. So I was spending a lot of time writing TV scripts as samples. I was learning that craft, but I wasn't getting a lot of plays written. And I certainly wasn't working with any theatre companies locally. I just wanted to see my work done or to develop it beyond typing words into my computer. I was involved with the Playwrights Union and that gave me the opportunity to work on a new play every year. But I wanted more.

Then all of a sudden that happened. And it feels like all of that happened this past year. I got the opportunity to work with Moving Arts on a brand new play. I got to develop something over the course of eight months. IN the meantime, the Celebration Theatre asked to do a reading. Because of that reading I got involved with someone at The Blank who wanted to bring that play into their Living Room Series, a weekly staged reading series. We're doing that play in the Spring as a staged reading. Then Chalk Rep, another theatre company in town, asked me to be a part of their writers group and I'm working on a new play in that group. The company seems to like it, so I'm hoping that there will be an opportunity there to work on it. It took a few years, but I'm not immersed in LA theatre and have a home base in which to work. It seems like folks like my work and I hope that productions are the next step for me. I'm involved with five local theatre companies. Four of those pretty actively.

That brings me back to last night. I wrote this ten minute play that was meant to go on during a party. The play was scheduled as the last of the four and they were being run on a loop three times during that night. We were well positioned. Not sure if that was pure luck or if folks were into it. I had been writing something heavy all year, so it was nice to write something light and short. I wrote something heavy and really long this year. So to finish the year on a fun note was great. My play had a lot of physical humor in it and was a bit of a sex farce, I guess. That's how it was described. It seemed to be an audience favorite, which I'm happy about. It was a play for a party.

When I was a kid I had to be the best. When I was in my twenties and thirties, I had to be the best. Now, I wonder. Do I need to be "the best?" I was told my play was "the best" of the evening. I love complements, so I'm not going to shy away from them. But I realized last night that I didn't get any pleasure from being told mine was the best, meaning ahead of the pack. I saw that my actors and director worked hard and didn't disappoint the material. I can only write the thing to the best of my ability. That's the kind of best I'm interested in. Did I do the most I could? I thought my cast was the best, that's for sure. I thought the realization of the play was the best. But it's a collaborative effort.

I am happy when people are excited about what I'm working on. At our Chalk Rep writers group yesterday afternoon, I saw that people were responding well to my new play in progress. That helps when you're scared and hesitant about something new. People kept saying they want more. And I want to give them more. I don't worry about "disappointing" them or setting up false expectations because it's a first draft. I'm writing my way into this play. I know I can write at this point. It's not about validation that way. I now need to serve the story. At a certain point, I became aware of my hard work and talent, so now I can just worry about whether or not I'm telling this story in a way that best serves the mission of the play. It's such a relief not to worry about whether or not I'm any good.

I just finished two pilots and I had friends read them to let me know what I should focus on. The consensus was that both were good and accomplished. But friends let me know what they thought I should be working on now. So it's not about being "the best", but about doing my best. And even in early drafts, if I know that I'm doing my best with what I know at that time, it's satisfying.

And this takes me back to September and that final reading of the latest complete play I've written. I know my cast, my director, my assistant director and my dramaturg worked their asses off. I know I worked my ass off. We presented something that stood out because of that hard work and the subject matter. It was a perfect storm. Was it "the best?" I can't say that. I know that it felt fully realized for me. I know that I was happy with it. I know that I'm ready to do more work on the play and take it to a bigger platform. I'm hoping to workshop it at a high-profile theatre festival this summer. If more happens, then great. But I want to set this play up for great success. It's an important story. Much more important than accolades. But if a lot of positive notice gets the play seen, then I'm happy for it to get all of the attention it deserves.

And I realize just because I'm not obsessed with being the best anymore, that doesn't mean that I'm not ambitious or cunning in the way I handle my career. I want the same things I've always wanted with the same fervor.  I have the same desire. But I'm not concerned with how I rank. If the work is good and meant to be exposed, then it will be exposed. There are things out of my control. But I will always do my best and the recent cheering on of my work has given me the confidence to keep going and to keep pushing.

I am grateful for well wishes.
I am grateful for support.
I am grateful to see my work performed.
I am grateful to see people get excited.
I am grateful for laughter.
I am grateful for sincerity.

Rebuilding

Last week, when I was feeling low, I decided to count how many pages I had written this year so far. It was 1781. Now the number's up to 1820 or so. I didn't count blog posts in that, which would probably amount to closer to 1900 or more. When I think about how much I was writing during those years when I was working and in a difficult relationship, I'm astounded. But as I reflect on the end of this year, I have to look back to how I got to this place.

After my Dad got sick and I had to stop what I was doing to help out the family, I started over. I don't think I knew that's what I was doing. But I leveled the house I was living in and started from the ground up.

When I was helping take care off him, I would sit by the TV and write. Writing became survival for me. I had to write to maintain a grip on my sanity. I had given so much to everyone else, that I had to claim something for myself. This is what I recently relayed to a close friend of mine whose mother is dying. I had to go back to the source of why I used to write stories. I had to give voice to the things that were going unspoken. As a fifteen year old, I wrote about my boy crush on the blond bad boy across the street who probably didn't even know my name. I wrote to understand the world around me. I didn't write to get a job. I didn't write to please a manager. I didn't write to become famous or respected. I wrote because I had secrets and I had to let them out. When I wrote while my Dad was in the other room slowly dying for a year, my writing became my sanctuary. It kept me afloat. It felt pure again.

And it's not like I was writing the great American novel. It's not like I was even writing the great American play. I wrote a pilot about a group of second-wave feminists in their 60s and 70s who were great friends. That drama eventually became a comedy. But even that I wrote quickly. I still love that script. I wrote things that meant something to me. Then I wrote plays that meant something to me and when my Dad eventually died, I felt like I had at least kept my life going. It wasn't like I stopped everything and then had to learn how to pick it up again.

I wanted to get back on the horse. I wanted to write through it all. There was only a six week period where I didn't write. I couldn't. I wanted to, but I needed to give myself time. Then in that first year, I kept wanting to get back on the horse. My friend Caitlin mentioned to me that I needed to grieve. She assured me that when I was ready to get back on the horse, people would be there for me. Eventually, I fired my managers because I needed to write from an authentic place again. I didn't want to hear these voices that were going to make me self conscious. I needed to know what was a good script and what felt right for me.

Then I decided I would just focus on writing every day. I would have scripts I needed to work on, but I didn't want to focus on goals, per se. I wanted to focus on writing. In February I wrote a full-length play. In March I wrote a new pilot from scratch. In May I rewrote the play. I rewrote the pilot. I started work on another script that took me through June. In August, I found out that I could apply to the Sundance Screenwriters Lab for an Asian-American fellowship. In October, I decided to write a new pilot. I wrote five scripts in one year and felt incredibly accomplished. I now know that I wrote about 1000 pages.

This year I wrote a new play in eight months with countless drafts. I wrote a new pilot in October. I wrote another pilot in November and rewrote the October pilot. I started a new play. Suddenly, from having one script all year by September, I had three full scripts by the end of November. And now having done my own thing for almost two years, I realize it's time to get back in contact with the world and to get new representation. After all of this time, would I be ready to start the rat race again? Would I be the same person in that rat race as I was before. My thought says no.

When I look at the scripts I've written in the past four years, I think about the writer I used to be. I'm more the writer I want to be now. I have three new plays. I have five new pilots. I have a new screenplay. I wrote two new spec scripts. A lot of it was trial and error. Some of it was really bad and will never see the light of day. But it has made me better. Just the repetition of doing it over and over again has made me better. Not every script you hit "outta the park." That's impossible. Some of them you just write because you need to write them and they never see the light of day. They are just transitions for you to get from A to B. I've always been productive, but before I was still writing for others. This is scary. To think that you know what you should be doing. It's taking a big risk and a step out. But I have to take those steps. I was good when I worked at giving other writers notes. I'm still good at that with my friends. But I had to start over. It was necessary.

I'm excited about writing again. I'm not thinking about what's commercial because my work should be commercial. It speaks honestly.

I am grateful for sleep.
I am grateful for Top Chef.
I am grateful for fun.
I am grateful for talks.
I am grateful for support.

A Piece of Advice (to Yourself)

The best advice I think I've been given (other than saying YES to everything, which apparently Shonda Rhimes now agrees with) is to give yourself advice. We listen to other people attentively. We give advice abundantly. But it seems that we can't do the things we tell other people they should be doing. So the best thing to do is to write down advice for yourself as if you were giving it to someone else.

I just did this as I worked on my journal for my 21 Day Meditation Challenge with Oprah and Deepak. And when it was suggested that I write down advice as if I was giving it to someone else, that felt brilliant. It made perfect sense.

So here is my attempt to give myself advice:

• Be easy on yourself: Every time you think you need to get tougher with yourself, don't. You never give yourself a break. All you do is push, push, push. And sometimes you just need a day, an hour, or ten minutes off. You're not going to lose ground just because you took some time for yourself. You work so much harder than you think. Everyone around you knows it, why don't you? So when you have the itch to get tough, go the opposite way. Be nicer to yourself.
• Naps: There's nothing more refreshing than a good nap. Why did you hate them so much when you were a kid? They are delicious! They replenish. They make you feel like a kid. Naps are just as indulgent as white truffles and private planes. Or at least that's how we treat them. So why not "treat yo self" to a nap a day? Seriously. One a day. When you get tired, lay down. It doesn't have to be for an hour. But it also CAN be for an hour. Oooh! That feels so naughty and that's why it's fun to do. You'll wake up feeling like you did something for yourself and that can provide some motivation. Once you start doing good things for yourself, it's hard to stop. That's the point.
• Make a plan, but don't feel like you need to stick to it: There's an old adage, "Make plans and God laughs." But it's feels like you're doing something when you make a plan. It feels like work. But then you need to follow up your plan or goal with work. And don't get hung up on the plan. This is the theory of systems versus goals. And this dynamic has changed my life. It's the same principal as another old adage, "It's not the journey, but the destination." That doesn't mean that you don't have direction. You have plenty of direction and you get to where you're going by putting one foot in front of the other. You don't just decide that you want to go somewhere and magically appear there. Focusing on the labor versus the fruits of that labor helps keep you focused on what you're trying to do. It also makes each step feel achievable instead of looking at the grandness of the goal. Being distracted by the work makes any fruits of that labor feel like a surprise. But it's like staring at water waiting for it to boil. Focusing so directly on a goal instead of what needs to be done to get that goal feels like you're waiting an eternity for some thing to happen.
• Distract Yourself: This is something I'm getting into. It's helping me manage expectation. It's my natural way that when I finish something, I expect something in return. I'm waiting there with my proverbial hand out waiting for my reward. And while I'm waiting, I'm not doing anything else. I get frustrated because I really want my reward. And the longer I wait there, the more frustrated I get. Again, it's like I'm standing there waiting for the water to boil. That way of thinking started making me angry, frustrated and bitter. This past year I spent a lot of time with a lot of support writing a new play that I--and others--think is pretty good. So of course my instinct--after sending it out to many theaters and producing organizations--is to sit and wait for the good things to happen. But I already knew that would drive me crazy. So I started a new play. I started a new pilot and set a deadline for myself to write it in October. Then I got 14 other people to start the same challenge with me. Totally selfish. But it was a way for me to make this deadline real. Then that deadline turned into another deadline to write the rewrite in a month. I then decided to start another pilot revamp the same month. And a theatre asked me to write a short piece for their holiday party and we started rehearsing it. It sounds like I need a shit ton of distraction to keep me from waiting for water to boil. And I do. Because when a friend mentioned that she had heard about something I had submitted to, I instantly started obsessing about it. I'm still obsessing about it. But then I had to get some paperwork in for a job I'm starting in January. And now I'm writing this blog entry.
• You can never be too nice to yourself: You're willing to beat yourself up at the drop of a hat and you do it in ways that you don't even know you do it. So now you have carte blanche to be nice to yourself. That can be with a nap. That can be with some chocolate after you finished a scene. You have license to be as nice to yourself as you want to as often as you can.
• Reward Yourself Well and Often: That goes along with being nice to yourself. After you finish that thought. Or that sentence. Or that scene. Or that act. Or that script. It's okay to make yourself feel good to combat the bad feelings. Sometimes you need to be so good to yourself because you know that underneath it all you're making yourself feel so bad. I've been feeling shitty about myself after finishing every draft I've finished over the past year. The shitty feelings are getting acutely worse. And that's just my signal to be so good to myself that I can't stand it. It's actually a call to arms.
• Share what you know: Be generous. Don't be stingy with offering yourself to those you love and respect. Read things. Give feedback. Practice being a good friend and note giver. It all comes back to you. When you do good things and feel good about yourself, it's just easier to be more excited and productive.
• Meditate: Every Day. Please. Modification: Spend time every day where you don't listen to any music or noise. And just be quiet. If you can do that for hours at a time, that's great! If it's just your shower time or your work commute time. Then that's wonderful too.
• The harder you work the more you realize you'll have a need for breaks.

I'm sure other things will come up. But those are the things that are feeling especially present to me right now. These are great reminders. And when it feels like it's advice to someone else, it's easier to take. And easier to give. Turns out, I'm much nicer to other people than I am to myself.

I am grateful for a quiet house.

I am grateful for chores.

I am grateful for food prep.

I am grateful for love.

I am grateful for Adele's "Hello."

I am grateful for my computer.

I am grateful for laundry I have to fold later.

I am grateful for a messy house that I have to clean up.

I am grateful for snacks.

Pluses Over Minuses

I did this Oprah meditation challenge over the past three weeks. A lot of it centered on the messages that we tell ourselves about ourselves. Usually those messages are beliefs that we take in as truths and absolutes. It's so tricky because these negative beliefs are so insidious and get into our psyche without us totally realizing it. They just infiltrate our way of thinking. I think about my niece and nephews, who I spoke with today over Skype, and I can already see the seeds of negative thought they're receiving. I suppose it can't be helped. I have a friend who's trying to sanitize her daughter from every bit of racial prejudice, no matter how intentional. It strikes me as acute white guilt. So these negative thoughts which have been building in me and largely have gone unnoticed float around. I get down on myself in ways that were unchecked when I was growing up because no one was policing my parents and they certainly were not policing themselves.

I realize that a lot of the beliefs I have about myself can be flipped around to exhibit something positive. There was a lot of talk of this in the Oprah meditation. Part of seeing the pluses over the minuses in life has to do with affirmation and gratitude. If you're thankful for the things that have happened in your life, it becomes less of a habit to think negatively. Because focusing on gratitude is an active way to be positive. So here are some pluses that I've made from minuses. I'm not going to mention the minuses--not to erase their existence--but they'll be apparent.

The best is yet to come.
I am a deeper person because the journey to myself has taken longer.
I have written 1781 pages so far this year (not including blog posts).
I write something that contributes every day.
I have time to think.
I am in control of my own choices.
The past four years have changed my life and made me a completely different person.
The time spent caring for my father was the best way to spend a year of my life.
Everything has brought me here.
I have never made a mistake.

I am grateful for the ability to make pluses from minuses, without ignoring the minuses.
I am grateful for air to breathe.
I am grateful for the time I spent in silence today.
I am grateful for the love in my life.
I am grateful for the groups of friends I have.
I am grateful for what I know.
I am grateful to be reading M Train by Patti Smith.
I am grateful for good words.

Creatively Challenged

This year has been full of challenges. I have been trying to get work done through these challenges. And it hasn't been easy. These challenges have popped up every month, especially over the past two months. First, in February there was the Playwriting Challenge, where I had to write a play in a month. And in October there was the TV Pilot Writing Challenge and in November I added a TV Pilot Rewrite Challenge. You see, I have taken on these Challenges by choice.

Ha ha. See what I did there?

I know I won't get work done unless I set my own deadlines. And I find that peer pressure helps. The Playwrights Union, the group of LA-based playwrights that I participate in, has been doing their Playwriting Challenge for years in February. Since becoming a member, I have participated in three of their Challenges. You write a play in February, then the group reads what you've read in a marathon weekend of readings, and that sets you up for their play reading festival in May. The structure is designed so that playwrights can have a head start on plays they will submit in the fall to play development programs. The first year I brought in 52 pages I had written. I didn't know where it was headed, but once I heard it, I realized what the play was about and I finished a first draft in four days. The second year I participated, I brought in 119 pages of a complete, overwritten play. I heard what was wrong with it and then I did some great rewrites. That play has gotten some traction. This year, I had the good fortune of working on a play with a local theatre company in town and I wrote the first draft of the play in tandem with the Playwriting Challenge. I wrote a messy first draft. Four days later, I had that messy first draft read again for my play development group. Six weeks later, I had draft two. Six weeks after that I had a public reading of a new draft. Nine weeks after that I had a workshop that was a few drafts later. And a month later, I had a final reading of the new play with rehearsal and brilliant actors. But it all got started in February. I knew that the work I did on the play, probably ten drafts, would not have been possible if I had not been pushed and "challenged" constantly over an eight month period.

When I came out of that relentless process, I realized I hadn't written anything else that year. I realize that I strong draft of a play is a lot for a year. But I don't have regular employment right now, so I feel like my job is to constantly write. I hadn't written any pilots this year. I had a pilot I wrote four drafts of last year and early this year. But it wasn't finished. And I had an entirely new take on it. But I had no time to work on it while I was working on the play. My interest and desire were solely focused on the play. I kept trying to work on other stuff, but I just couldn't. But I was exhausted and so used to having the push from the theatre that I knew I needed another push to write a new TV pilot and to get this rewrite done.

So I volunteered to organize the TV Pilot Writing Challenge for the second year in a row. And that was great because it kept me on my toes. I figured if I needed the challenge, I was going to have to organize it myself. Fourteen of us started out. Nine of us continued. And five of us wrote full pilots in October. Then I knew I needed to work on the rewrite. What to do? I initiated the Pilot Rewrite Challenge for November. Three of us decided to do that. One writing team decided to drop out. Now it's just two of us. And it actually might just be me. But I'm on board to finish. I have twenty pages left of a rewrite. But it motivated me to get other work done.

This is the thing about working. When you're tired, sometimes you just need to push through and you'll get a second, third or fourth wind. I'm probably on my sixth or seventh at this point. Because while I was supposed to work on this pilot rewrite, I would get distracted. I started the redraft of the old pilot and I'm 46 pages into that. I have two more acts to write. I started a new play last month as well because of a different kind of challenge. I was feeling good about this play that I wrote and it seems to be a play that's both timely and has been well-received by people who have read it or seen the readings. Now that sets up an expectation for me. In order to distract myself from that expectation, I figured I needed to start something new.

Yes, I realize I was already writing two new TV projects. That should be distracting enough. But no. I had to start the new play I had been thinking about. Something about working on a new play felt necessary. I didn't matter if I was working on fourteen poems, a short story and a novel. It didn't matter if I was writing a handbook or a zillion blog posts. I had to replace the anxiety with another play. It's these little tricks I try and play on myself to make life livable.

So now I have to figure out a "challenge" for December. I want to have something polished to send out so I can look for new reps by the end of the year. So December will probably be about choosing the one pilot I can polish in two weeks.

That makes me think about 2016. Should that be my structure for the year? A year of Challenges? And maybe they can be different sorts of challenges, not just writing related. But I like the idea of having monthly achievements. A year of them, though? That's something to think about.

What would that look like?

January: TV Pilot Rewrite
February: Playwriting Challenge
March: One run a day Challenge
April: Play Rewrite Challenge
May:
June: Sober Challenge
July:
August:
September: Mediation Challenge
October: TV Pilot Challenge
November: TV Pilot Rewrite Challenge
December:

And it's important to leave things open to have room to move around. So May, July, August and December I have nothing scheduled yet.

I have to think of some new challenges for myself. I like the idea of having a structured year like that where I do one challenge a month. There's room for a screenplay challenge. There's room for a lot of things that can improve my mind, body and spirit. But with everything, it's good to put that energy out there and then forget about it. Focus and then forget.

I am grateful that I'm teaching in January.
I am grateful that I had such a productive week last week.
I am grateful that it's Thanksgiving on Thursday.
I am grateful for true friendship.
I am grateful that I know how to be grateful.

My Ego

I realize that as a creative person, my ego is sensitive. And at times it needs to be in check. But I don't love it when people feel like they can step on what I do.

I've been reading all of these articles about playwrights and copyright and their rights. The big example right now is a university doing a production of a Lloyd Suh play and casting white actors in non-white roles. The university is blaming a tempestuous playwright for the cancellation of the production when the playwright made plenty (probably too many) accommodations for the university. I also read something about the casting of a white MLK Jr. in a production of Katori Hall's The Mountaintop. I did not have nearly the same thing happen on the same level, but I had an experience this week that I could have seen coming a mile away.

I had the amazing experience of working on a brand new play of mine from scratch this year. I worked with some amazing actors, a terrific team of a dramaturg and director. It was probably the highlight of my professional experience thus far. I'm hoping that the play has life because it deserves it. I worked the hell out of that play through rewrites and workshops and readings. My director had respect for what I was trying to do and say. We have a great working relationship and have been trying to find ways to work together. We finally had this opportunity and I hope it's not the last time we get to work together and work on this play together. And this director is way further ahead than I am professionally. I was lucky to work with her both because she's an astute director, but also because it's good for me to work with people who are more accomplished. I learned a lot about myself throughout the process. I learned how to speak up for myself and to stand up for my vision.

So I thought it would be fun to write a short play for this theatre company's holiday benefit. And it was nice to write something light this time around. Also because I am writing two TV pilots and starting work on a new play, I needed the instant gratification of doing something short. I figured it wouldn't take up too much of my time. I have three great actors who I'm excited about working with. But here's where my instincts kicked in. I had a conversation with the director they assigned me to and he kind of steamrolled me a bit. We didn't talk about anything of substance in the first conversation. We didn't talk about why I wrote the piece and he didn't really want to chit chat. It actually felt like he was a little bothered by talking to me. I was ready to jump into a process conversation and practically had to invite myself to rehearsal. He didn't have any notes for me on the script. I figured I would come to the first read through and see if there was anything I could adjust.

We had our first rehearsal yesterday and for the first ten minutes he didn't really make eye contact with me. Then he made a comment about how the play was light and fun without much substance. All true, but it felt insulting. Especially at the top of rehearsal. Then as we were reading and talking about the play, he said "Oh, I guess there might be some levels to this." Here's where my ego kicks in. Of course,  my first instinct is to defend myself. But it's the first rehearsal. I know I'm not going to be there for the other rehearsals, but am starting to feel like I can't leave this play in this guy's hands. But there's no reason for me to come to rehearsals for a ten minute play. Then I think that I should just let it go. It's a short play. It's fine.

I got a few notes and I decide to make some changes based on those notes. I stayed up last night until 2:30 in the morning to make those changes. I felt pretty good about it. I sent the revision to the director. This morning I wake up to a fresh document in my inbox that's basically a rewrite of my play. Not top to bottom. And at first, of course, I checked my ego. Calm down, there's no way he wrote stuff. He might have cut stuff, which isn't okay, but let me keep reading. Well, I kept reading and he rewrote parts of the play. He rearranged things and wrote new lines. I couldn't believe it! I've never had that experience before. I had someone give me cuts in a new document before, which I didn't like either. And he called them "suggestions", which really irked me. No, they were rewrites. And this is the point where this little cute side project became a bigger thing. Because I had to read through the entire script to look for the places he rewrote me. Then I even considered some of those rewrites. I was trying to be objective. My biggest problem was that I had no idea what problems he was addressing because all he did was send me this new version of my script. Holy shit! I kept thinking that there was no way that this guy was giving me a rewrite.

So I spent another two hours this afternoon addressing his notes and writing him an email that tried to be diplomatic. I then decided to have my friend, one of the actors, look at the script and give me thoughts. My friend's thoughts were great and actually there were places where both he and the director agreed. But that's what I wanted: objectivity. I needed to see what notes were good and which ones weren't. Because my ego was blinding me to what I needed to do at this point. My ego was making me think it was all bad. I ended up talking on the phone with my director and he defended what he did. He claimed that he was just "suggesting" changes. But the fact is that he made changes and then told me to take what I felt I needed. I'm entirely up for admitting where I'm wrong, if it makes the play better. But presenting me with a version of my play without letting me know what the issues are is not the approach for me.

Ultimately, I went back to some things I had originally. I utilized some of the director's changes as well. But I wasted a lot of time because I needed a buffer to help me see what I needed to fix. My actor friend also told me to trust my instincts. He liked what I wrote. I agreed that some things could be changed, but he didn't think it needed to be altered to the degree at which it was. At that point, it was too late because I had already altered so much. The play did improve. Certain things were streamlined, but it took so much work to make it minimally better.

I learned something about myself in this process though. I think it's good to check my ego. I think it's great to consider why I'm reacting in a certain way. But I also learned in this process and the bigger play development process I had this year that I know what I'm doing. I immediately know what does not feel right. And I don't need to be difficult, but I can stand up a little sooner. I'm defending my work. That's an okay thing to do. Being diplomatic is important as well. It's not just about laying one's dick on the table.

I learned that lesson big time on the play I wrote this year. There were moments where I just had to say, "Let me think about it." I wasn't saying yes or no. I just needed to process. And there were times, remarkably, where that was not an okay answer. I got a pretty pointed response to my "let me think about it."

But this is what I learned about smart collaborators. Their egos are not bruised easily. They know what they're doing. And when they know that you know what you're doing, it's a great partnership. No one needs to step on anyone's toes. I have many opportunities for collaboration coming up soon. I hope these challenges are preparing me for greater collaboration ahead.

I am grateful for great collaborators.
I am grateful for smart and humble people.
I am grateful to know myself.
I am grateful to know that strong-willed and open-minded aren't mutually exclusive.
I am grateful for people who make me a better person and artist.