Looking Forward to June

I don't know why, but June feels like a fresh start.

This year so far has been productive and I feel like I'm standing on the shoulders of that productivity. But June feels like a new, fresh start to me. And that's good. I have trips planned this month, so maybe I'm feeling like I'm looking forward to getting out of town.

I'll still be working on the rewrites for my finale script. But I'm officially on the other side of that experience. I do have one more pay check coming in for that. But otherwise, I'm on the other side of the experience. I'm now settled in my work again. I have three scripts that need my attention. And I'd like to handle them - one, two, three.

1) The rewrite of the pilot that my manager asked me to rework. I have had to push working on it because of the script I was writing for the show. But now it's the top priority.

2) The rewrite of the pilot I've been working on since the Fall. This is probably the fourth draft of it. I haven't really shown it to anyone, other than friends. So this will be the first draft I'll be showing my manager. I'd like to get that done this month as well, since the outline has been waiting for me for three months now.

3) The play rewrite. I have a workshop in August. So once I get out the two pieces of writing I need to complete to get considered for staffing, I need to focus on this play. This will be my first collaboration with the theatre company I'm now working with. And it's a play I'm excited to explore because I feel it will be a new template for the kind of work I want to do. It's bold and it's daring. It is pushing me further than I've pushed myself before. So I want it to start influencing the other work I do. Maybe it already has.

But this new attitude is thrilling. I don't feel like I'm fatigued. I feel energized. That's good for the middle of the year. Can't ask for more than that.

I am grateful for the energy I feel.

I am grateful for all of the documentaries I have been watching - research.

I am grateful for the way my mind needs to relax.

I am grateful that I am getting my strength back and getting ready to write another script.

I am grateful that the ideas flow.

I am grateful that my heart is open.

May Review

Here it is. The last day of May. It has been a productive month by many standards. For me, I'm always trying to get that last bit in before the end of the month.  It's just my way. I'm learning to be more patient with myself, but I'm always worried about losing my edge. Maybe that's a silly feeling. I don't know.

In a way, May closes out a section of the year that included me getting my first staffing job. It was incredibly productive - and while I technically fulfilled my goal of getting one script written a month, I have pilot scripts I'm still working on. The good news is that I postponed working on that other stuff because I was getting paid. I can't complain about that.

Now I go back to the work of trying to get work - which is an exciting challenge in itself. I celebrate all of the work I was able to do in the first half of the year. And as I work towards this second half (and then some), I continue to do the work that got me here in the first place. I get up in the morning and I write. I blog. I have my tea. I spend time in quiet. This is my practice. I go back to this place of consistency.

I realize that when I am not busy, my mind wanders. I basically want to fuck anything that moves. The creative and sexual impulses are related for me. My sexual urges are not what they were when I was younger. But when I feel myself get distracted, I know it's time to double down on getting work done. Or feeding the creative beast somehow. And these days, it's about watching something on Netflix or HBO Now if I'm not equipped to sit at the computer and write something.

I'm in a bit of a replenishing phase. But to go back to the work that happened this month -

We had a beautiful reading of an older play with some terrific actors who I loved working with. A small band of folks, but really wonderful. I had a bit of a crush on one of the actors, which let me know that I'm not completely closed off. I rewrote the damn script. That was not a requirement of the process. But I took the script and hollowed it out, leaving the structure, but having to fill in new elements. I thought it was incredibly moving. I haven't written something that earnest since. But it really showed me what I'm capable of in terms of writing a purely moving story.

I also wrote the finale of the show I'm working on. It's interesting to write something that's not really your own. For me, it was a master class in structure and moving around the puzzle pieces. And getting paid for it. I loved writing the finale, but I also had a lot of challenges in writing something that's from an outline that was based on something I wrote, but totally rewritten. That experience prepared me for how I will approach certain aspects when I run my own show.

It would be totally arrogant of me to just say - "Here's what I would do differently." I think the Universe is going to teach me a lesson - it ain't as easy as you think it is. And it's a lesson I'm willing to take head on. It's going to teach me what I'm capable of - and it will be difficult. But the whole experience of being on the show was an incredible master class and a crash course. It taught me that I'm ready. And being ready doesn't mean that you're capable of doing everything perfectly. It means that you're equipped enough to be in over your head. That you won't be totally swept up by the current, but that you're going to have to swim hard because that current is a motherfucker. Being ready just means that it's a fair fight.

Now I sit here on the couch, ready to flesh out my outline for a script I'm rewriting. Then I have to rewrite the script. Then I have to turn it in. And then I have to pick up the next outline, which is fully fleshed out, and write the next script after that. That might bring me up to the point where it's time for the next play rewrite. And after that, I don't know. I'm just going to trust that someone's sending back the trapeze for me to grab onto when I need it.

I am grateful for the constant flow of inspiration.
I am grateful that the well is plentiful.
I am grateful that I have a smile on my face this morning.
I am grateful that I am meeting an old friend today before she leaves town.
I am grateful that my friends are like family.
I am grateful for loved ones.
I am grateful that I get to go to Portland in a month.
I am grateful that I get to go to Sonoma in a few weeks.
I am grateful that I get to spend time with my San Francisco friends, who are also my family.
I am grateful that I get to spend time with my Santa Clara friends, who have been family for awhile.
I am grateful that my family is excited that I'm coming up to visit.

The Big Push

Last December, before the dramatic turn my life took, my brother and I had a conversation about money and about where my life is headed. It would be an understatement to say that the conversation was explosive. It was core shaking. We still have not recovered from that conversation. Our relationship has not been the same since and it's something I regret. I'm hoping that we will get the opportunity to repair some of that damage when I go visit next month.

Today, as I have been reflecting, I remembered another similar conversation with my father over ten years ago before I applied to graduate school. My father said to me that I should just give up on my dream of being a writer because who really gets to do that. No one lives the life they really want to - why did I think I was so special? Another core shaking conversation. One that resulted in a three week deep, dark depression and ultimately in me pushing myself to finish my application for graduate school. I got into NYU with a full ride.

The after math of the conversation with my brother - which was similar in that it was about the direction my life was taking - was everything that has happened in the past three and a half months. In both circumstances, I had to make a choice for myself. In the years between those two conversations, I struggled hard. My dedication to what I want to do has been tested. And now I realize that the testing and fortification of my mission in life is just going to be a constant. Enjoy the good times. Learn from the bad. But don't think for a second that the bad times mean that you've veered off course and don't think for a second that the good times mean that you've made it. I'm in it for the long haul. And I'm trying to maintain a sense of balance.

It's that old saying that you should never read your reviews - or pay attention to what people say about you - because if you believe the good ones, then you're going to believe the bad ones, too. I have pride in my work and what I do. I have been working hard on self-validation. I believe my journey to self-validation is what has gotten me to this point. I remember that night after my brother and I had a huge yelling fight. I don't even remember having an argument with him that was that bad. He had to make his point. I had to stay firm in mine. But in the days afterward, I remember believing our fight was a good thing. I had gotten emotional. I had cried in front of him. I did not regret being vulnerable. He did not make me doubt my position or my choices. 

I didn't have a lot of support from my ex or my brother last year. I know they care, but I didn't have a lot of understanding. Last year was about knowing I had to stay on the path and doing it without that support. It really was my lesson in self-validation. Yes, all of the external validation I have received this year feels amazing. I can't say that I haven't gotten some confidence from it. But I still make room for the voice that tells me to keep going. I still have deeper exploration to do in my work. But it still is about the labor and not the fruits of my labor. The lesson deepens when good things happen.

It would easy to get that external validation and then start believing that even harder. Because the thing you wanted to happen happened! That's not a crazy notion. But to believe that you can only be responsible for your labor and not the fruits of your labor when the fruits seem ripe, juicy and delicious - that takes some nerve. I am still focused on the labor. Hell, I'm working on a pilot on Memorial Day. I have a secret goal to get this done before the end of May, which is tomorrow night. That way I can say that I wrote three scripts this month. If I get that done, fucking brilliant! If I don't, I haven't failed. The fact that I wrote the first draft of our series finale - in addition to reworking the outline several times - and rewriting this older play from scratch, plus dealing with casting, actors, a director, a producer and getting people to come see the damn thing - well, that's a huge success and would be an enormous accomplishment by anyone's standards. I had a brilliant May. Many things that were unexpected happened. I got interviewed by a blogger that I had been wanting to be interviewed by for years. I was asked to join a theatre company I already loved and would have given my left nut to join. Fortunately, I get to keep my left nut because they reached out to me. That seems incredible to me and such a huge thrill. If that was the one thing that happened in May, I would have been thrilled.

I set these goals for myself as benchmarks, but then I get to the work of writing. And if something's not done, but I've spent every day working on it in some capacity, then I can't see that as failing. Well, I could. But I won't. I WON'T. That has to be a deliberate decision - to not see something as failure. And I'm trying something new this year. I'm not adding things to my plate that aren't already there. This pilot was already on my plate because I wrote it and was asked by my manager to take a look at it and do more work on it. I have another pilot outline, which has been waiting for me for some time. And I have this play. Anything else that crosses my path this year will be an opportunity that comes to me. Or something I decide to do once I'm done with any of those things. But I'm continuing to leave my pathway clear. I'm allowing things to come to me. I'm remembering that the Universe can dream a bigger dream for you than you can for yourself. I'm allowing myself to become a part of the flow of shared energy.

Those two big pushes got me to work harder and focus. They made me more resolute in my mission. And I had to follow that up with action. I am ultimately grateful for both of those pushes because they proved that I was strong enough to endure them and that I persevere anyway. I am strong - and if no one else knows that, it doesn't matter. I do.

And that makes all of the difference.

I am grateful for knowing.

I am grateful for pushing through.

I am grateful for all of the good fortune I've received and grateful for the good fortune to come.

I am grateful to keep moving forward.

I am grateful for what I deserve.

I am grateful that I know I deserve it and that I know that I can't do anything to screw it up.

Memorial

I've spent most of the weekend remembering back to the past three years where I would go camping with my ex-boyfriend in Joshua Tree and a bunch of our friends. It was the closest we came to a tradition in our relationship. I loved the consistency of that trip. I would cook carne asada and we would get steaks. We would smoke cigarettes and drink Fireball. Those camping trips - and the other ones we took over the summer - were the happiest times we had as a couple.

I've been sad most of this weekend. Even though we broke up almost five months ago, nothing close to a ritual has come up yet. I wasn't particularly sad on Valentine's Day. My birthday wasn't sad to me either - both are within two days of each other. But this weekend I was sad. I have spent the weekend writing - which is all I ever do these days. I'm not sad about that. Or I should say, I'm trying not to be sad about that. Thinking about the good times we had together makes me a bit melancholy. I enjoy spending time by myself most of the time - I just took a road trip to Las Vegas and stayed in a hotel room by myself. It was glorious.

But Memorial Day in Joshua Tree was our thing. I didn't have any money during our relationship. I taught here and there and I lived off of unemployment for a bunch of that time. But Memorial Day was when we would really do something special together - and it didn't cost a lot of money. We were happy. Maybe I'm sad because last Memorial Day was the last happy memory I really have of our relationship. I'd soon find out that I'd be flying out to Portland to interview for a job that I didn't get, but just the prospect of moving caused a permanent rift in our relationship. I tried to keep that from coming, but I made a decision to look elsewhere for a job. I suppose I made the first move. And he just kept following that move with several more. We both contributed to the demise of the relationship - no one was more guilty than the other.

Last Memorial Day was pretty fantastic - two couples we knew got engaged that weekend. I cooked. I let my mind completely let go. I was relaxed, which my ex loved. Most of the time I was focused and trying to make things happen. I have an energy about me that's constantly on the go. I'm always working on something. I wrote 2000 pages last year. I was completely focused on making shit happen. And that focus paid off.

As I look forward into the second half of a year that has been prosperous and rewarding, I look to set new goals for myself. Memorial Day is officially the kick off of the summer. I want my summer to be active and fun, as well as productive. I have two trips in June scheduled: one to Sonoma and the Bay Area and the other to Portland. Chances are that I'll be in Vancouver for August working from Canada while my best friend is working on a show. The summer will mostly be spent away, which I'm kind of excited about. I need that time away. I need a change of perspective.

The second half of the year will be incredible productive writing-wise, whether that's for projects I'm getting paid for or projects I'm working on on my own. I have plenty to do either way. It's my own productive mind that wants to get this pilot done and then the next one written in quick succession while I'm working on a rewrite of a play for a workshop in August. I'll have new duties as a Company Member at the theatre company I've recently joined.

I'm determined not to let others dictate my schedule. I've booked trips out of town. I'm actively doing things that are keeping me productive. My duties with the theatre company will have to work around the paid creative work that I am doing. That's my priority right now. I want to continue to get paid to be creative. There's a real opportunity for me right now and I have to jump on it. These new pilots are a part of making that happen. But I am facing real work in front of me - opportunities that have been presented to me and I'm not going to ignore them for prestige purposes. I'm looking at opportunities that will pay me and allow me more creative freedom at a level that I didn't expect to get to until many more years down the line. I'm grateful for those opportunities and I will show my gratitude by hopping on them and putting my heart and soul into those opportunities.

I decided to work on an older play that had a reading earlier this month when I could have just cancelled that reading because I had too much going on. But I had committed to this theatre - and more importantly, I wanted to see where I could push myself in terms of working on this new play. I needed to work on something wholly original after working on a show and before possibly going back to work on something where I'll be getting a lot of creative input. I'm seeing the "art and commerce" areas of my career weaving in and out - and I'm loving it. I'm learning so much by being a paid writer. And I'm being given such opportunity to do the creative work that I want to do. I realize that it's really true that when you put yourself out there 100 percent, that it comes back to you. The dividends are tangible. And this new play that I wrote this year is all me - in so many ways. If last year's play got me my job and my manager (and counting), then this play has secured a real creative home for me for what I hope is several years to come.

So as I truly let go of one relationship, I'm entering into a new phase of my relationship with myself and my creativity. It would be reductive to say, "My work is my new lover." But I must acknowledge that I am in a work phase and that I prefer to spend my time working versus occupying my time in a relationship. I need to spend more time alone. I need to take trips alone. I need to be responsible for myself and my well being and for nobody else's. I am going to lean into this. It's scary as hell. I worry about being alone. But I know it's also thrilling and exhilarating and fun. I'm single, but I'm not looking. And that's the best relationship to be in - for me - right now.

I am grateful that I'm flying solo.
I am grateful that my friend Bill is opening up his home to me next month.
I am grateful that I have a new creative home.
I am grateful that my decision to focus on myself has been reinforced and supported by several recent opportunities.
I am grateful that I am open to the change coming my way.
I am grateful that I am losing my fear.
I am grateful that I have simplified my life.

If I had total freedom, what would I do?

We think that to create we need to have no limits. That's the romantic ideal, right?

What if we had total freedom to create and do the things that represented our artistic ideal?

I just became a member of a theatre company that I respect. I like the people involved. And I can't believe they asked me to join - out of all the people they could have asked. Seriously. I'm a part of their writers group, but so are a ton of my friends. And two of my best friends are in that group - and both incredible writers. They've had other writers they've been involved with who are clearly better known than me. Yet, they heard something new I wrote and they asked me. Out of the blue. I had no idea these conversations were happening.

They keep saying these complementary things to me, which is incredibly flattering and humbling and embarrassing at the same time. But I'm choosing to believe them because I've told myself so many negative things about myself for so long.

We're doing a workshop in August. And I'm meeting with them in a week to find out how I'll be fitting into the fold. I find myself asking, "If I had total freedom, what would I do?" I have a home that will at least let me hear my new plays when I write them. Hopefully, they'll produce them as well. But I know that if I need to gather actors together to hear something, that's completely available to me.

Last year, I almost got a job as a literary manager at a theatre in Portland - a major theatre there. I had no idea where my life was going in terms of career. I was working on a play I felt was important to me and to the world. But no one cared about me as a writer in the theatre or in TV - in the sense that no one was commissioning me or hiring me. What excited me about this job - and the only thing that excited me - was that I would be able to be a cultural taste maker as a person of color. And that's what theatre needs. That actually would have never happened at this theatre. I would have had to read a bunch of plays that I hated and I would have not had any power to champion the writers I wanted to champion. And I wasn't totally convinced that my writing career would continue to grow if I was putting my energy into championing other writers as a full time job. Thank God I didn't get the job - although I think up to the last minute, they wanted me. They went with someone who could fit into their fold much better. Everyone wins in that situation.

I find myself now at a theatre that wants me to be in their company because I'm a writer - and hopefully, a person - they like. I'm going to this company meeting to find out why they chose me. It'll be my first meeting as a company member where I'll be getting introduced. I'll still get to be a taste maker because I'll be helping in suggesting writers for the various programs and events the theatre does. But the reason they chose me is because of a play I wrote that represents me wholeheartedly.

So now that I have this support - not that I have total freedom - but what will I do? How will I use this opportunity to expand on who I am as a writer? I've always wanted to write plays with more movement in them. I'd like to go back to that creative impulse I had when I started writing plays. And now that I know I have a place that will help me work on more difficult pieces that can benefit from having company support, that's going to change the way I approach my theatre making. That's exciting. I've taken my writing as far as I can alone to this point. I need to break the glass ceiling on my work and see what happens when I have a company's support.

In the same way, I'm seeing my work as a TV writer get better because now I'm on staff and my ideas are being listened to. It just makes a huge difference in my confidence and in the vision I see for myself. I know I'm capable of so much more than I've ever been asked to do. And that vision of myself is what I'm projecting because I can see who that person is. He's clearer to me than ever before.

I am grateful for HBO documentaries.
I am grateful for art.
I am grateful for company support.
I am grateful for being opened up artistically.

Big Mistake

I wrote a play last year that I lot of my peers loved. They kept telling me that someone would want to pick it up and do it. I submitted it to all of the regular play submission opportunities. Nothing has happened so far. I just got a rejection from the conference I was hoping to get into and that I thought I had an in at. And we're pretty much at the end of the line for that stuff anyway.

I did myself a big favor. I didn't listen to my peers when they said that someone was going to do it. I wrote another play to distract myself from listening to any noise surrounding the play. Even though everything was a complement, I knew the expectations set were going to make me feel a certain way if nothing happened. And certainly it wasn't like "nothing happened." I just didn't get into any of the development programs this summer.

But this play got me a TV job and a manager. There was talk of a production, which I'm not sure is happening any more. But the theatre company I just joined might be a great place to do it with. If I had just set my eyes on waiting around for that one particular opportunity - or series of similar opportunities - to happen, I would be a pretty miserable guy today. 

People and Oprah say that God can dream an even bigger dream than you can for yourself.  I'd agree with that.

And I have another play that I finished in February specifically because I wanted to focus on other things. I got that play written in four months. And that play got me into the theatre company I'm working with now and we're doing a workshop in August. So I can't complain because there are a ton of things going on because I sat down and was productive. But if I was heart set on one particular thing, then right now I'd be disappointed. 

And those opportunities are prestigious and they mean something. But they don't pay a lot. And they're just one opportunity to be productive. All of the things I want to get out of those opportunities, I'm doing now in town. It's sometimes  hard to remember that. I'm making money. And wrote the play - that's the reward. People liked it. That's all that matters, actually.

I'm still going to apply to these things because they're things to apply to. And it's important to have my name out there, for sure. But they're not the only game in town.

It would have been a big mistake to only focus on one kind of result.

I am grateful for options.

I am grateful for friends.

I am grateful for writing dates.

I am grateful for good food.

I am grateful for my health.

I am grateful for my family.

I am grateful that I get to take a trip to Portland to visit my brother and his family next month.

No Plans/ Tons of Plans

I made it through this week. Technically, it's only Thursday and I have one more day before I project I've been working on is due. And this is a thing I'm getting paid for, not just a personal project. So that's good.

But I finished everything I had going on this week. As I reached the mid-way park on this year - technically the end of June, I think about what I've accomplished and what I'm setting myself up for in the second half of the year.

I've written two of the three scripts I had a goal to write this month. The end of the month is on Tuesday, so theoretically I could get that third script done. I have the outline done. I have a bit more work to do before I'm ready to go to script, but that very much could happen and I'd be really thrilled if it did.

I called this year The Year of Challenges because every month I had given myself a different challenge to accomplish. That motivation resulted in a writing job, being asked to join a theatre company and being asked to pitch a series that could result in another writing job. So I wonder if the next Challenge is to have no plans for the rest of the year. Not to take a break. But to keep my launching pad open so that there can be other surprises that come down the pike. This year is better so far than the one I could have imagined for myself. I'd like to continue that pattern.

My caveat is that I won't add new things to write for the year. But I'll just finish the things I have on my plate and then I'll see gets added to that plate.

I finished a rewrite of a pilot in January. That pilot is one of the pilots I need to rewrite this year.
I finished a play in February. That play is having a workshop in August, so I know I'll have to work on that. And it's what I'm submitting this year.
I finished two outlines in March. One new outline for the pilot I rewrote in January. The other outline for my first episode of the show I'm on. And I finished that script in April. I did have at least one draft of it in March, however.
I finished a script in April for our show. I also outlined the latest episode I'm writing in April.

In May, I rewrote my play we just had a reading of. I also finished the first draft of my second script. I outlined the pilot my manager asked me to rewrite. It'd be great if I could finish that script this month as well. I also have been asked to pitch this month.

As I look at what I've done, I've gotten more than one script written or worked on per month, since March. That's a lot more writing than I thought I was doing.

The rest of the year, I have two pilots to work on and I have the play to work on. I have no other plans, other than a pilot idea my manager had. There's the possibility of me working on my own show. And I guess that would take up the rest of my year. And that is great. There's also stuff going on with the theatre company that I'll be planning for and writing. That feels like a full year already, without having to impose deadlines and challenges on myself.

I might also be going to Vancouver for most of August to get work done and hang with my best friend. Also, since Vancouver is home to a lot of production, it might not be a bad thing to spend some time up there.

So I guess I"m not making any MORE plans because looking at this list of projects for the rest of the year, I'm going to be pretty busy as it is.

I am grateful for projects.
I am grateful for work.
I am grateful for down time.
I am grateful for sleep.
I am grateful for full weeks like this one.

I Don't Care

I had a conversation with someone today who I'm working with who said something to a person in a higher position in power that I wish they hadn't said. I had said something in a private conversation that was a possible solution to a problem we were having on something I'm working on. It wasn't information that needed to be made public. And my director and I ended up solving the problem anyway. However, because this person went to a higher up about something they thought was an issue, the pot got stirred.

That person was explaining to me what happened after I called them to the carpet. They asked me if I wanted to know what they said. I said, "No." That person insisted. Then I said, "I don't care." Because it was irrelevant to the conversation. That person just wanted to absolve themselves and they shouldn't have been absolved. It would also just continue the stirring of the pot. I'm worried about the drama on stage, not the drama about a conversation that doesn't really matter, except for the fact that I felt a trust was violated - even if it wasn't meant that way.

The words escaped my lips - I don't care. Harsh? Rude? Insensitive? Direct. True.

It made me reflect on how I handle things now versus how I used to handle them. Years ago, I would have gone straight to my director and recounted everything - making more and more out of it.  I would have gossiped about it and tried to make this other person look bad. I'm not telling my director until we're done with the process, as a way to debrief. But not to talk smack about this other person. And most likely, I wouldn't have confronted that other person, but I would have talked shit about them behind their back. But now…I don't care. I don't care if I'm liked, so I'll tell you what I think - as directly and compassionately as possible. But I won't beat around the bush. I don't need to be liked. I need to be respected - and I'll be respected by making sure that my actors and director are in the best position to do the best work they can. I care about making sure that I did my work and gave the actors a play that's good. I care about doing my work and upholding my end of the deal. I have to uphold my end of the deal because I'm demanding. I can't be demanding if my shit isn't tight.

Not caring about what other people think of me is freeing because it allows me to operate from my moral, spiritual and emotional center. Worrying about if people think I'm an asshole is a waste of time. My first playwriting professor said to me years ago, "No one cares how the work gets done, as long as it gets done."

I am grateful for my resolve.
I am grateful for my circle of trust.
I am grateful for music.
I am grateful for too many things to do that I can't sweat the small stuff.
I am grateful that I am developing a way of working that works for me.

It Takes Time

I'm probably the worst at being patient. I find myself in a position where I have a lot going on. I have projects that will take me at least into August and yet, I think I should be able to get everything done tomorrow. And then write five more scripts between now and then.

I took off to Vegas last week for a "retreat" and on the first night there (a week ago), finished a draft of a major rewrite of a play I'm having read a week from tonight. Then I had the rest of the time to think and to take notes on a pilot script I'm writing. I wrote this script two years ago and thought it was done. Then my new manager said he liked the script. Then he gave me tons of notes on it. And, of course, I find myself in the position of rewriting the whole thing over again. My friends asked me if that's frustrating. Sure, to a point. But what's even more frustrating is having a script out there that I know could be better. And I'm a better writer now than I was two years ago. It's difficult for me to sit with that knowledge and know that I could make it better. I wouldn't have resurrected it if not for the fact that my manager didn't like the newer script I gave him.  I'm not taking apart what was good about it the first time. I'm deepening it, I think.

And I was hoping to come home last Friday with this script completely done. But that didn't happen. I had notes. I had index cards. I got lots of sleep and took time to be alone. And it's fine. I came home and I took more notes. I watched more documentaries on the subject I'm writing about. I took more notes. I thought more about it. And I still have not started the rewrite. I know how much the stew needs to stay on the stove to marry the flavors before I'm ready to serve it. It drives me crazy sometimes that things take the time they take. I have not for one moment taken my eye off of the pot. And in the grand scheme of things, it's not a lot of time. It takes what it takes.

I finished the play in a little over a week - maybe ten days. And that felt like an eternity. Maybe it's my perception of time that's the issue. I get up every morning and I have my ritual and I get my work done. I probably spend about two hours before I start working to wake up, to meditate, to exercise, to answer emails, to eat breakfast. I'm luxuriating in the freedom of time I have right now. When I was working on the show, I got up and got in the car early in the morning. Then I worked out and got to work. Then I drove home in traffic. I probably spent at least two hours in commuting every day. I"m trying to enjoy every moment I have. I used the fruits of my labor to travel and get some new clothes. I'm using the time to write and focus and concentrate on my own stuff, so I can have the next experience where I learn something. Then I bring that focus and knowledge to my own work. I bring that craft with me to the creative side. It's a real symbiosis.

I'm using all of my time to the fullest. There's not a wasted moment. I'm learning to appreciate the amount of time things take. If I'm always busy, then times passes and feels full and purposeful. Even the time I sleep and relax feels purposeful if it's all directed towards a goal. My writing mentor in college told me that if I make everything about writing, nothing will feel wasted. I've tried to remember that throughout my whole writing life.

I gave myself the challenge of writing something different every month this year. It's the fifth month of the year and so far I have kept up on that challenge. This month I will have written at least two new things. I had to finish the play for the reading. And I have to finish the script I'm writing for our show because I'm legally bound to do that. If I finish the pilot and get it to my manager, that's a bonus. But I want to get it done and into him because I said I would. And it has been about a month. And I said it would take me a month. Now I didn't know that I would be pitching a series to a production company. And I am also working on a show at the same time. So I'm sure I have a little bit of leeway. But I know myself and I'm not into letting myself off the hook because I got busier than I thought I would be. Although, I don't want to turn in something schlocky. You can't force it. All I can do is think and read and ponder and wander and focus and write.

This is what I love doing. I love learning and getting better. I love getting paid. I love being in the rooms I need to be in. I love saying I'm going to do something and doing it. I didn't know I'd get this manager and I got him. I didn't know I'd be working on a show so early into the year and that happened. All of these things focus me and make me more determined and close the time gaps on the accomplishments I have been working towards for so long. It gives me momentum and it makes me look forward to the next item on my plate.

But it takes time. When you want something it's hard to understand that and be patient. Hopefully, I'm distracting myself with the work I'm doing that I'm not noticing how much - or how little - time it's taking.

I am grateful for energy.
I am grateful for more projects to come my way.
I am grateful that I am alerting the universe that I want more by doing more.
I am grateful that I am finding patience.
I am grateful that I have the support of family and friends.

Rock Me Amadeus

I saw a production of Amadeus last night. I have read the play many times. I've seen it once in a production directed by John Doyle about ten years ago outside of London. I wasn't that excited about seeing it, but a friend of mine wanted to go see it and I got us tickets to go.

As a guy who writes plays, I'm not always that interested in seeing old plays. There are seminal plays I'll go see if they're out there - I wouldn't miss a stellar production of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf or anything by Fornes or Churchill. I'd race to go see a Sarah Kane play. I want to see things that enlighten me as a person. Amadeus is theatrical and it's a well-written, exciting play. But I was going strictly as a favor to a friend.

My big complaint about theatre these days is that we're stuck in the confines of these four character plays that take place in one room because they're easy to produce. This play had about 14 actors in it and it's not a musical. Actually, that would be considered a big musical these days maybe. Yes, maybe theatre did get indulgent at some point with 12 character plays. But there's something incredible about a play that big. Lately, I've been writing plays that are about six actors. That seems to be the sweet spot these days. And I write two act plays. Both of those things are incredibly out of fashion. But what I see are these awful plays that aren't about anything of much interest. Some of that is subject matter, but a lot of that is form. I hear other writers complain about the formulaic quality of television because it's stuck in a certain structure. But it's theatre that's stuck.

It was amazing to see a play that big and bold and theatrical. It's a history play. And I forgot how crazy Amadeus is as a character and how sad. Then I thought about one of the chef characters in the pilot I'm rewriting. He's Mozart. It seemed to make so much sense while I was watching the play and thinking about this character. Of course he's lost and a genius and can't function in real life. He's wildly uncompromising and it bites him in the ass.

My friend loves seeing these established plays because he imagines himself playing one of those great theatre roles one day. For him, going back to the history books is important. As a playwright, it's important to know the canon, but it's more important to know what's going on now. Both are vital. But I mainly go see plays and readings by friends these days. I'm glad I dragged my ass out to the theatre to see this classic which is pretty revolutionary these days because no one's doing a new play that big. It was shocking and thrilling and exciting for that. It works.

I am grateful for breaks.
I am grateful for boldness in the theatre.
I am grateful for friendships.
I am grateful for hard work.
I am grateful to know where I stand.

The Mobile Studio

I might have talked about this before years ago, but I treat my creative work space as a studio rather than an office. I do a lot of work at the computer, but I like to have notecards out or white boards to brainstorm. I like the creative brainstorming that happens in my head to occur around me. I like standing up. Then I like sitting down. Then I like walking around. Then I like dancing to Beyonce.

I have to have a lot of chatter going on to figure shit out.

Right now, in my creative space, I have notecards out and I'm writing on them to figure out this new version of the pilot. I feel like I have to live in this world I'm trying to create for these characters so their actions and dialogue can feel like second nature to me as I'm writing. I like to have as many things fleshed out for me as possible.

I prefer to work on one thing at a time. That's not always the way the cookie crumbles. But I like to just be working on one writing project at a time. Now that might be one this week and one next week and another the week after. But more than one in the same time period feels impossible. It takes me a while for my brain to switch gears from one project to another. I finished a play rewrite this week and then I had to jump into working on this pilot and it took me a minute to get my brain to get into the world of the pilot.

Sometimes I have an unrealistic expectation of what I can handle. But thinking of my creative space as a studio some how feels more creative and more kinetic so that when I'm sitting down  at the computer to hammer some stuff out, it doesn't feel so heavy. It just feels like I'm filtering down.

I am grateful for the ideas in my head.
I am grateful for the time away.
I am grateful for projects not piling up on top of each other.
I am grateful for the sunshine.
I am grateful for index cards full of ideas.

A Vision's Just a Vision If It's Only in Your Head

Today was a good day for productivity of many kinds.

I woke up at 7 AM and went to the gym. I worked out for an hour and sat in the steam room. Left around 9 AM. Then came up here and sent emails - worked. Then headed out to go look for a Saks Off Fifth outlet store that someone recommended I check out. That was a bust, but I realized there's a Whole Foods nearby. That's good info for later.

Went to lunch. Brought my notebook with me in case I needed to write down notes or read anything. I didn't consult the notebook. But I ate. And it was a great bargain. $9.99 for lunch and I had prime rib. I'll be going back there, maybe on Thursday. Or on Friday - on my way out of town. That might be a good way to end my Vegas trip.

Then went to the outlet mall this guy really recommended. And ran smack into the outlet for one of my favorite stores in LA. This might have been a sign. I stalk their website, waiting for sales. So I went in and wanted everything in the store. Here's the good, bad and the ugly: everything was already marked down 30%. Then it was marked down an additional 20%. Except for the stuff in the back, which was marked down 40%. And the stuff in the way, way back, which was a sample sale rack that had samples that were really low. And it looked like everything kept getting marked down because no one was buying. It felt like it was waiting for me. So I bought the things I wanted. And as I was trying things on, and as things were fitting and looking good, I had a thought: "This stuff is meant for me. I'm buying this stuff and I'm going to look good and expensive and hip as I have my meetings." I'm fleshing out my vision of myself. It was incredible. I bought almost $1000 worth of clothes for a fraction of that. But most importantly, I was living out the vision I have for myself. I was dressing the way I wanted to dress and I was paying for it myself. I was becoming the person I've always wanted to be and projecting that through what I'll be wearing. The person people will see is the person I am on the inside as well. It wasn't just about shopping - although it was that and a lot of fun. But in a way it was my Carrie Bradshaw moment of realizing that my emotions are projected through what I wear. For so long, I let other people dress me or fit into what other people wanted me to be. Or I was depressed and stopped caring about what I wore.

I remember The Drummer said to me: "You need to look the part. When people see you, they need to go, 'That's the guy. That's the writer.' If you don't project who you are, no one's going to know you're there." He didn't say exactly that. I paraphrased and rewrote a bit. But that's the gist. I thought of him as I was trying things on and going: "Oh, that's so me. I have to have that." So yes, I have another hoodie. And I have a pair of pink faded jeans that are totally unique and weird looking, but they fit great. They're special. And that's what I wanted. I think I need to get a couple pairs of Vans slip-ons to go with the look. I can already feel that happening. But I got a great navy sweater that says "SUNDAY" on it. Everything I got has a sense of whimsy and ease and has clean lines. That's what I love to wear.

I might have to go back for another pair of shorts. One might not be enough. I'll have to see though.

Why is that important? Because I have done so much work on myself in these past few years - and especially in these last few months - that I have to look like myself. I've got the choppy bob I wanted. And now I'm building the wardrobe I've wanted.

A vision's just a vision if it's only in your head…it has to come to LIFE!"

Bit by bit, putting it together…

I am grateful for a new wardrobe.
I am grateful that my store has an outlet and I found it. 
I am grateful that it found me.
I am grateful to see what I want when I look in the mirror.
I am grateful to be doing what I want.
I am grateful to be guiding the ship.
I am grateful that I am guiding the ship to go in the direction I want to go in, without a co-captain.

The Importance of Doing Both

Now that I'm working in TV and in theatre as a writer, I realize the value of having both in my life. I always knew that I had an interest in working in both mediums. And of course I aspired to work in TV as a playwright. But it wasn't until I started working on the other side that I realized that working in both fields simultaneously is an imperative.

For me, it's as similar as being a dancer and continuing to take technique classes while you're creating your own original work. The creative impulse will keep me reading books, watching movies, finding sources of inspiration. Right now, I'm learning the craft of writing for television by doing it. I've studied TV writing in grad school and I've written a number of pilots. I've also read hundreds and hundreds of TV scripts - perhaps that number is in the thousands at this point. But until I got in a writer's room and understood how ideas are pitched and bandied about in the room, I don't think I really understood how scripts are made. It's writing by committee, even in the best situations. And I'm so used to writing alone and making decisions before I collaborate with a director and dramaturg. 

When you write by committee, you reach consensus - or at least, you have to write what your showrunner ultimately wants you to write. As a playwright, your strength is that you think outside of the norm. You know how to work in collaboration. You have fresh ideas. When you start writing by committee, things naturally get watered down. You have the room - but then you have the network and studio giving you notes as well. So everything gets smoothed out. If that's the only way you write, then preserving your ideas and your identity become of paramount importance as it relates to working in the room, on a show.

As a playwright, you're writing in your own voice all of the time - at least that's the opportunity you have. Your edges are sharp and crisp. Your identity is clear all over the page and you work hard to protect that. The trick is to take the technique of writing in a room and apply it to an original idea in a voice that's purely your own. That seems to be where the magic happens. I'm able to let go of certain things in the room that serve the story, but maybe not my personal voice or agenda, because I know I always have a place where I get to write in that voice. If I give that up, the collective tide will pull me in a certain direction in terms of my own work.

I remember a lesson I had learned a long time ago in regards to people in my life: "Let it go." I find that mantra useful in a writer's room. You fight for something you believe in - if it serves you, then you let it go. As creative people, we want so badly for our voices to be heard. And you'll follow that impulse in whatever outlet you have for your work. If your only outlet is what you do for money - and the opinions of your showrunner and executives - and sometimes your actors - count more than yours, then that voice will get drowned out pretty quickly and effectively. The wave will take you under. Now, if you see the wave coming and duck under and then pop back up when the wave passes, you're still standing strong. That doesn't mean that one should just become a people pleaser and a yes person. It's important to know the dynamic of a writer's room and how to operate within that dynamic. Then it's important to go home and do your own stuff that isn't about being produced or sold. You have to do that solo work that you want to see too - like spec pilots and screenplays. But there should be room for writing that's just for you. Some of that might get produced, but that's not necessarily the goal. 

I recently wrote something that's so purely in a voice that's all of my own, but it's also a voice I've never written in before. That play is having a workshop this summer and I just finished it a little over two months ago. I'm going to enjoy that process. I'm going to enjoy the process of being a purely creative person and having the process be all about me. Because that's not what it is in the writer's room. And it can't be until I run my own show - and even then, I have people to answer to. But I want that experience very soon. And it can happen. But I have to understand the cost of creative freedom. Creative freedom often means less money. But in TV, that also is very livable money.

If I have the sort of career where I'm making millions of dollars a year, I have to understand the pros and cons of that kind of career. If it's a position I see out, then most likely I will be writing other people's ideas and I'll be a showrunner for hire. There's a possible scenario where I get all of that financial reward and I get to do my own stuff primarily. But again, that's not the norm and I can't make a plan for that. 

I can make a plan to have creative freedom in my professional writing career. I can still take jobs that teach me how to run a room and negotiate ideas. I can still take jobs that are for the money so I can have that creative freedom. I can still take jobs that allow me the financial resources so that I can take a break when I need to and then come back. All of that is a tall order. But that's where I have the most freedom. I can decide how I want my career to go and then act on that accordingly. Every action I make in my career helps me define what I really want because it reveals to me what the options are in a clear and practical way. I no longer want to be on the outside looking in. I want to be on the inside, figuring out what kind of life I want for myself because that's where all of the information is.

I am grateful that both my TV and theatre careers are thriving.

I am grateful that I have the information necessary to make decisions for myself.

I am grateful that I'm constantly evolving and defining what I want.

I am grateful that life is revealing itself to me.

I am grateful that I feel fulfilled and purposeful on a creative level.

Prepping for a Getaway

Tomorrow I'm heading out of town for a little writer's retreat. I started this tradition for myself two years ago that I would get out of town for a week when I had time and too much work to get done in town. It's part of this philosophy that I've tried to adopt about being good to myself in the struggle to get work done.

I have four days in Vegas booked with a hotel room. I'm going to work out. I'm going to write. And I'm going to sleep. Those are my goals for myself. Relaxation is on the agenda as well. I've got HBO Now on my phone and I'm going to watch shows for inspiration.

I need some time away from my life in town. I got away last month to San Francisco to see some friends and to recharge. I'm planning on going back next month as well. But this is a different trip. This is about getting work done. It's about productivity and accomplishment. I have three scripts that I want to and need to finish this month. I'm hoping I can get them done.

• Play - I finished Act One. I have to finish the whole thing by the time I get back. I have a crazy idea that I'm going to get a second wind after finishing Act One today and move onto Act Two and get that done before I leave. I'm sure that won't happen. But I don't want to spend the whole trip working on it. I want to finish it and move onto something else.
• Pilot - I have this pilot rewrite to do that I'd also like to finish and turn into my manager this week. Staffing is a possibility and I'd like to make the effort to get it done and out the door. I need this deadline for the pilot because I'm not being pushed to finish with any sort of end date in mind. I'd like to show some effort and put myself in the best position to get hired to write on a show ASAP - if that's this staffing season or over the summer, that's fine with me. But I need to make that effort for myself and push myself.
• Episode - I'm working on another episode of the show. I just finished another draft of the outline, so I'm not sure if I'll get notes back to work on the script. If I do, then I'll try to start. But I imagine that I'll have some extra time to get the script done, so this actually isn't as much of a priority for me as I expected it to be. I thought this week was going to be about the play and the episode. But now I feel like it's going to be about the play and the pilot. The episode has to get done this month because I have a strict deadline and I'm getting paid. 

I'm looking forward to the drive. I'm looking forward to being by myself - I haven't gone away and spent any significant time alone in a really long time. I'm always going to see family or visiting with friends. I get my alone moments. But I don't get any real alone time. This is a work trip. I've got my laptop. I've got my assignments. I'm ready to work.

This year so far has been amazing. I've done a lot and I've kept up for the most part with my goals. I think back to the Year of the Challenges gauntlet I threw down for myself. I've written a script every month this year so far. I thought I'd be able to get another draft of my other pilot done in March. That didn't happen. I've been sitting on an outline for awhile. But I know I've got my next project waiting for me once this month is over.

But new things have popped up that I didn't expect. I just pitched a web series - and I'm waiting to find out if we'll get to do that. I imagine if that happens, that will keep me busy for the rest of the year. Perhaps there's some teaching happening in the Fall. And I have a workshop of a new play happening over the summer. I couldn't be happier. I knew that if I left the rest of the year open, rocket ships would find a place to land. And so far, three have landed. I'm hoping to keep my launching pads open so that friendly ships can continue to come and bring me with them.

Adventures await! Riding the wave!

I am grateful for surprise opportunities.

I am grateful that I'm going to be working with a new theatre company.

I am grateful that my creative and work lives are co-existing.

I am grateful that I can go to Vegas and get away to get work done.

I am grateful that I get to see my godmother this week.

I am grateful that I took a nap today. I need the rest.

Conspiring Toward Action

That sounds like some intense self-help book title.

CONSPIRING TOWARD ACTION

Something Dr. Brene Brown would write - like Daring Greatly. By the way, that's not a read. I love Dr. Brene Brown. And I aspire to keep daring greatly - so no tea, no shade, no pink lemonade. I remember that quote about how when you're putting your energy towards something that's pure, the universe conspires to help you get it. I feel like I'm in that space right now. It's not a moment. It's not a mishap. It's not something I fell into. I worked hard to get here.

The thing I've learned about myself in the past few months is how just changing my POV can make all the difference. I didn't change the way I worked. I changed the way I thought. Maybe it's because I left my boyfriend. Maybe it's because I made different choices. Maybe it's because I finally thought I deserved the things I had desired. Maybe it's luck. Maybe it's preparation. Maybe it's a combination of all of those things. I am not sure why the Universe has conspired in this way now. But I want it to continue.

And when a way of thought is reinforced, then that way of thinking gets stronger. And yes, it does turn into finding a new level of hard work. I can definitely say that I am working harder now that I had been before. But when I reached that high point of working on my own and pushing myself, I had exceeded my own boundaries. I needed - and had a desire for - an outside entity to teach me by giving me an extra push. I got what I asked for.

I had spent two years working really hard - and not that that's all it takes - the work has to be continual. I do know that my relationship had gotten in the way. It made me doubt how hard I was working and how I was working. I don't blame my ex for any ill-intent, but his energy was a block. I can see that now. It didn't look like a red-eyed monster or a fire-breathing dragon. It looked like a sweet, nice guy from Wisconsin with friendly, beautiful blue eyes, nice things to say, encouragement, and a great body. It looked like all of the things I was supposed to want and invite into my life. But all of those things were a distraction from what I should be doing - which is working, hard and constantly on myself. Putting myself first. I feel now that once I get the rhythm of doing for myself down and making my own way, then I will attract a partner who will support and reflect all of those things back to me. I have big things that I want and more places to go.

I have to renew my passport - side bar, but not really. There's something about expanding my world view that involves being able to travel.

May is going to be a busy month for me. I have this play reading on the 23rd. I have my episode of the show I'm supposed to write. My manager wants me to do a rewrite of a pilot and I just got an email about another project the company I'm working for is interested in having me develop. I'm super interested, of course. There are plenty of irons in the fire right now. And it seems like the more in the direction of being productive and getting my shit done, the more opportunities open up for me. That's a good thing.

I'm just going to keep on truckin'. Not paying attention to any thing going on around me. Just with my head firmly down on my own paper, moving forward.

I am grateful for the opportunities blossoming for me.
I am grateful for good news.
I am grateful to be writing and getting paid for it.
I am grateful for my ability to go away and get my work done.
I am grateful that I can focus.

Happy Accidents

I'm not going to Vegas tomorrow. I made a mistake and booked the trip for the following week. I'm sure glad I wasn't going to Bali.

I'm actually teaching this week - listening to student pitches on Tuesday and rejoining my Playwriting class on Wednesday to listen to student work and to teach a class in TV pitching. And I still have to write the play this week. Yikes!

I'm certainly testing the limits of what I'm capable of. I consider it all training for what lies ahead. The good news is that I didn't have to rearrange my trip or lose any money. I'm making money this week and that will pay for both of my writing retreats - the one I'm taking this week and the one I'm taking next week in Vegas. I decided to make a retreat out of San Diego and to go down Monday through Thursday. I do find inspiration from being around during finals week. I like being on campus late at night when other people are studying. It's really an inspiration. There's the buzz of productivity which really helps me out.

I'm trying to get work done today. I'm not having such luck. But I did do laundry. I went to target. I'm doing dishes now. I washed my car. That's pretty good for productivity. I also put some clothes away and cleaned up around the house. I made lunch. That's productive, right?

I'm trying. I'm supposed to write a scene where these two characters are in love. I should be able to do that. So far I'm not very successful.

I'm glad I get to see my students again. I'm happy to get paid. I'm happy that I'm getting two writers retreats. It's indulgent. But I really need it.

Oh, and I get to go to my favorite Soupplantation in the world that's in San Diego. Okay, it's ALL good.

I am grateful to be going to San Diego this week.
I am grateful to be going to Vegas next week.
I am grateful to be working.
I am grateful to be full of ideas.
I am grateful to be alone on a Sunday.
I am grateful to be meeting up with friends later tonight for dinner.
I am grateful for fun, laughs and good times.