Why I Went Out of Town to Get Writing Done

I have the feeling my boyfriend is avoiding me.

He told me he was so happy that I was going out of town to write.  I had my suspicions.  He seemed a little too supportive.  Like he was forcing himself to say the thing he thought he should say.

And we had a talk yesterday that was rushed.  I'm not sure what's going on…

Let's pretend for a while that things are fine, like they always were…

Funny that as I'm typing, this line comes across from a song called "Beautiful Mess" by Swing Out Sister.  But that's how I feel.  Let's pretend things are fine even though I miss you and I'm mad that you left.

Still haven't heard from him.  I'm staring at my phone, willing it to ring.

But that's why I went out of town.  I didn't want to work all day and come home and have to be a good boyfriend.  Meaning that I didn't want to make the bed or make dinner or have conversations or explain why I'm taking a nap in the middle of the day.  I needed to have time to just work.

Being that I have been working to make money for the past month and putting some away, I haven't had a lot of concentrated time to write.  And frankly, I think I exhausted myself in February and March when I wrote two projects back to back.  So now that I have to do these rewrites, I needed to get away to do it.  And I have the resources to do so.  So when my friend offered her place in Monterey, I thought it was the best thing.  My plans to do a cruise to Ensenada fell through.  It never felt like the right thing to do.  I had a sense that I should get in my car since I just put so much money into it.  And while coming up North wasn't in the cards since I'll be back here at the end of the month, it turned out to be the best thing ever.

I'm here with my friend Molly who needed me up here as much as I needed her.  And we're both keeping each other focused.  She actually leaves tomorrow for the rest of my trip, so I'll have half of this trip completely isolated.  I hope I'm as productive (if not more) when she's gone.

But I did need to just get away and not worry about conflicting schedules or finding a way to make myself scarce during the day when he's got recording sessions and rehearsals and he's working on his show.  Honestly, if I didn't have to be back for dinner with my friend Rachel on Tuesday who I haven't seen in ten years, I wouldn't even come back until I need to be back for rehearsals for my play reading next Thursday or Friday.  As it is, I might head to Palm Springs for two days to get my remaining work done.  Or I might go to PS the following week to get another script done.

I love him.  I love what we have together.  But I think sometimes we both need a break.  We are both independent individuals.  And maybe the frustration and the problem is trusting that we can have that and come back together.  I think it's all right for him to do it because he's a musician and he's familiar with his own behavior.  But I'm a wiley variable.  I'm just as independent as he is and he might need a steady planet to orbit around.  I like that we are both moving together but independently.  It's something about our relationship that I value.

So I had to go.  For him.  For me.  It's too easy to want to take care of everyone else before I take care of myself.  And I knew that I would not be a pleasant dinner, bed, or event companion if I was in town trying to work.  Crabbiness is just a natural part of this whole writing process.  I needed to keep my crabbiness to myself.  It's really a favor to everyone.

I am grateful for another day to work.
I am grateful for showers.
I am grateful for six mile runs.
I am grateful for an understanding boyfriend.
I am grateful for cloudy days that make it easy to stay indoors.
I am grateful for "Confidential" by Tina Turner (written by the Pet Shop Boys)
I am grateful for snacks.
I am grateful for chocolate.
I am grateful for dinners to look forward to.
I am grateful for love.