Getting Ready: Q1 2015

Since I've spent the past two months recovering from the previous ten and refilling my tank, I suppose it's good to really start planning for what I'm going to get done at least in the first quarter of 2015.

January 2015

I have this new play to write. One that absolutely terrifies me. That's funny because I also have a pilot to rewrite that terrifies me. So maybe 2015 is the year of being scared shitless and doing it anyway. I have either a preoccupation or an obsession with death. It's all over these two projects. I never wrote about death before my Dad died. Or I never went after it like I am preparing to do with these two projects. Maybe that's what's scaring me. I can't figure it out. It's paralyzing. And it makes no sense to me, especially after getting so much done earlier this year.

So in January, I'll probably be finishing up the rewrite on the pilot and getting ready to start the new play.

February 2015

That's easy. It's the Playwrights Union Writing Challenge. So I'll be writing a play.

I'm also assuming both the Sundance and Humanitas deadlines will be this month. So the pilot needs to be done by February in order for me to submit.

March 2015

I should be thinking about writing some new spec for these writers fellowships that are coming along. I'm usually writing them the month they are due. Maybe I should take a different approach this year and give myself an ample amount of time to get shit done.

I'll also be rewriting the play and getting it ready for our May festival.

And that's the first part of my year. I'm sure other things will come up. Things I need to attend to. But for now, that's where my year will begin. I'm not going to set a certain amount of scripts I need to write. I'm not going to try and top five in a year. I might even need to go back and rewrite some things that I wrote in 2014. Take another look at my screenplay.

I'm setting myself up for a busy first quarter. But that's good. Set the pace. Get things moving.

I am grateful to get the year started right.
I am grateful to have a plan.
I am grateful to know what I want to work on.
I am grateful for good ideas.

Closing Out the Year

Offices across the country are doing their year-end reviews. They're "closing out" 2014. Since I've loved the financial metaphor of looking at each Quarter, I guess it makes sense that I'm closing out this year.

This year was great. It was productive. It was exciting. I got a lot done. The 4th Quarter of the year was good. I finished a new pilot. I got some feedback. And that was over a month ago. I'm not sure why that feels like such a letdown. I wrote five scripts this year! I got notes from a manager who I like a little over a month ago. Yet, I feel that since I didn't write that next draft in 30 seconds or less that I've failed. I need to stop negating my success by looking at what I didn't get done in the past five weeks. It's stupid.

I have an approach to this next draft. Fear's holding me back a little bit. I'm also planning out my next play. I have the first quarter of 2015 spoken for with two projects. I need to slow my roll a bit and give myself a break.

I have so much more room in which to be so much nicer to myself. And more patient. Why is that so hard for me?

That's part of what I have to close out.

I have two full-length pilots I'm ready to show.
Plus a new screenplay.
I have two plays they can look at.

If someone wants to look at my comedy samples, I have two pilots. One single camera. And one multi-camera
I've got sketches.
I'm ready to go.

I've successfully fashioned myself into a new writer.
This new pilot is a darker take on what I do.
I'm ready to take that leap.
I'm ready to make that jump.

My new play is way dark.

I have a feeling that 2015 is going to be the year of the darkness.
I have to just dive in and stop being afraid of my dark side.
I have to go there.

I am so grateful for all of the writing I did this year.
It made me a better writer.
Five scripts will do that.

I just have to seal the deal with this last rewrite.

I am grateful for a wonderful productive year.
I am grateful for the new love I have for myself.
I am grateful for a patient and loving boyfriend.
I am grateful that I took a year to write.
I am grateful that I did what I wanted.
I am grateful that I have effectively redefined myself as a writer and as a person.
I am grateful to see the changes in me take shape.

Party Season

Oh, the holiday party season is here.
Cue the Christmas Carols.
Watch your boozing.
Get out your fat pants.
It's time to shake your ass and be a dancing monkey.

Our Playwrights Union had their annual Holiday party on December 1st.
That was a lot of fun. I got to hang out with old friends and drink beers
in Downtown LA. I schmoozed a bit and shook my ass a bit too.
Tonight I think I'm heading to another Holiday party.
This one has a suggested donation, which I think is a bit of a crock,
but it's a good excuse to see friends and
celebrate good Holiday cheer.
We'll see how long I last. Last year's party was very nice.
This year's should be cool too.
But the party I'm really looking forward to is a party I was just invited to
for the best ad agency in the world.
I'm going with my best friend's aunt who works there and who invited me to
be her plus one.
This is a real holiday party.
Free food.
Free booze.
Dancing and tomfoolery.
That's MY type of holiday party.
I don't want to have to bring something.
I don't want to have to donate because it's a "fundraiser."
I don't want to have to buy my own drinks.
I want to get plastered, to be well fed and to be given a voucher
to get my ass home in a town car.
The last part might not happen, although it used to when I worked for another
big ad agency in Portland. That was always a cool thing.
The ad party has a theme: monochromatic.
So I have to go look for an outfit that will be all one color.
I wear a lot of grey, so I could do that with a sparkly silver sequined hat.
I have a pair of aqua blue pants, so I'm thinking of doing different blues.
I have to see what I find.
But I want to mix it up.
Those are the holiday parties I miss.
Back in the day when I used to work in an industry with money.
Being a playwright is absolutely gratifying to my soul,
but not so much when it comes to the quality of holiday parties.
I'm also expecting a special holiday guest,
like a Lady Gaga or a Cher
singing "Silver Bells."
That's on my list this year.

I am grateful for holiday parties.
I am grateful for another wonderful year.
I am grateful for good times and good friends.
I am grateful for places to go.

A December to Remember?

Well, this has been an interesting month and it's only the 2nd.

I got hired for a freelance gig a week ago.
And I got fired today.
Due to circumstances that have nothing to do with me.
But that's just the way that it worked.

So I'm going to take that information this way:

This is going to be an exciting and unpredictable month.

I'm a risktaker.
Right?
That seems to be what I'm telling myself these days.
I have had a year that has been unpredictable.
So why shouldn't the end of the year be that way?

I'm going to take it in stride and accept that the rest of the year will be full of fun, freedom and unpredictability. Because that's all I can do.
I have been in control of my destiny all year
and it's not right to end it with someone else in control of my life.
And it's not a good omen for 2015 either.
I have to leave that in my past.
And getting fired was such a sign of that because I went and did some freelancing for an old boss.
And ran into old problems.
That shouldn't have been a surprise.
But I have moved on from that.
This last experience certainly taught me that.

I'm always looking for the lesson.
And here are the ones that I've come up with:

• Don't do something only for money.
• Leave the past in the past.
• You tell people the way you want to be treated (I can't take credit for that one, that's what my friend Susan told me).
• There's more out there.
• Don't give up.
• Don't settle.
• Don't become them.
• Know thyself.
• Kill them with kindness.

Now they're just sounding like bumper stickers, not lessons.

I don't deserve to be treated like somebody's slave. That's a lesson. And my self-respect can't be traded in for a paycheck. There's another one.

I'm not that person any more. I'm not someone who can stomach being unhappy anymore. The good news is that I'm repellant to that kind of behavior. I was telling someone earlier that the big lesson is that my reaction and response to the environment around me is more important than trying to stay away from bad behavior. It's Hollywood. Bad behavior is fortified and supported. In some cases, it's encouraged. There's nothing I can do to it. All I can do is control my response. That's what I am in control of.

Just as unpredictable this sudden freelance gig was is its short span. Here today, gone tomorrow. Again, that's the unpredictability and excitement of life in play. So all I can do is be playful about it all and get excited for the next unexpected adventure to come.

And it's only Day Two. So I'm counting on this being quite the December to Remember.

I am grateful for unpredictability.

I am grateful for fun.

I am grateful for good friends and inspiration.

I am grateful for the people in my life who bring out the very best in me.

I am grateful for all of my good fortune.

A Peaceful World

I have been doing the Oprah/Deepak 21 Day meditation challenge on the Law of Attraction. 

Today is Day 21.

And I got asked a question.

What would a peaceful world look like?

Here is my answer:

A peaceful world would be full of smiles.
A peaceful world would be happier and calm.
It would be quieter.
It would be playful.
It would be so much fun.
It would be laughter.
A peaceful world would be one where people would constantly hear each other and address one another by looking them in the eye.
We would be at peace because we would accept each other for who we are.
We would see each other truly.
We would speak our truth unfiltered, but kindly.
We would understand the other person and would feel understood.
A peaceful world would be cleaner.
A peaceful world would be less competitive.
A peaceful world would be musical.
A peaceful world would be creative and full of color.
A peaceful world would have clear skies.
In a peaceful world people would hug a lot and kiss a lot.
In a peaceful world we would talk to our children lovingly in the way that we wanted to be talked to as children.
In a peaceful world people would drive less.
We would do a lot of yoga.
We would go to the gym less.
We would walk more.
We would run freely.
Our faces would be more relaxed.
Our breath would be fresh.
We would eat unprocessed foods and live off the land.
We would be in harmony with our animals.
In a peaceful world we would be exposed and open to the feel of our hearts, of the sun's light on us, of the salt water on the beach, the cool air in the mountains and list mist of early morning.
In a peaceful world, we would just be.
And that would be enough.

I am grateful for completing my 21 Day Meditation Challenge.
I am grateful for Oprah and Deepak.
I am grateful for the time it took to do this challenge.
I am grateful for challenges.
I am grateful for peaceful moments.
I am grateful for what I know now.

Fuck Rejection

I reject rejection.

None of it matters. Anyone can say anything. Anyone can have an opinion.  But they don't get it. They're stupid. I know what it takes to do what I do and how much work goes into it. I know how much I study my craft. I know how good I've gotten just in the past year writing five scripts. I can't help but to get better.

So if people don't like what I do, then they're closed minded in terms of the type of work that should be out in the universe. I feel like I'm seeing the same play over and over and over again. I have some favorite writers who are friends of mine. But the majority of what I'm seeing doesn't make sense to me. It seems myopic and privileged and self-congratulatory.

And yes, those are sour grapes to a degree. Everyone wants to be loved.

But also I know what I have to offer. And I have to pat myself on the back every once in a while. I have to take care of myself and self validate. I have an interest in doing certain work and I have a love for what I do.

Shit gets me down all of the time. But that doesn't stop me. I know that Resistance is a strong force that only gets stronger the closer I get to something happening. I'm not going to let it.

I had my down time.

Fuck rejection. Game on.

I am grateful for the highs and the lows.
I am grateful for grace under pressure.
I am grateful for books that motivate me.
I am grateful for my meditation practice.

Doubts

As much as I need rest, it's never a good thing when I'm not writing. I stop feeling productive and I'm full of self doubt. Right now I feel adrift. I've been resting, spending time with family and kind of researching the next thing. Yes, I should rest a bit because I have had such massive output over the past nine months. But I'm never good with any of that.

I've been watching a bunch of documentaries, The Fashion Fund, Olive Kitteridge, Foo Fighters: Sonic Highways, Nashville, Blackish, Le Bare and other fun things. But I really want to feel productive. I am not doing well just waiting around.

I got notes on my new pilot from a woman I might be doing a bit of a dance with in terms of representation. Maybe. The notes were good, but I now feel like I need to get feedback from a few more people to get some consensus and then start working on a rewrite.

But I do need to remember that I have taken a month off in each quarter to rest and recoup. January was like that for me. So was April. And part of July. So if part of November is not this sort of uber productive time, then so be it. I need the rest.

I just hate having all of these doubts.

I've been meditating to clear my head, but even that has gotten obsessive.

I'm not relaxed.

I am grateful for this regrouping period.
I am grateful for the anxiety.
I am grateful for the time to recharge.

Create Again

I've spent the past two weeks not creating. But reading and watching people create. I'm half way through the Norman Lear autobiography, Even This I Get to Experience. And I read the Betty Halbreich autobiography, I'll Drink to That. Betty's the woman who has been the head of the personal shopping department at Bergdorf Goodman for over 40 years. Then I've been watching the Foo Fighters Sonic Highways docuseries. And the Fashion Fund.

I decided that I was going to not do anything. All year I had this thing about going to work. I have been going in 30-40 hours a week for five months straight. Plus before that I had dedicated myself to getting work done on a regular basis. I don't have a regular job right now and I just jumped in with both feet. Something magical happened that allowed me to sustain myself and travel a bit and also have a home base where I could write. It just started with me dedicating myself to writing again full time. I never stopped writing, really. But it wasn't the focus of my life. First it was Dad getting sick and dying. Then it was getting through that and making the mourning my main focus. Then it was coming out of that and finally re-committing myself to writing full time as a career.

This year I started, in January. Planning to write a play. Then writing it in February. Then really hitting a stride and deciding to write a new pilot in March. Writing the bible in a week. Then the pilot in a week. Then finding out I could submit it somewhere. Then making some money to live for while. Then needing to write three things in a month and taking off. Then an office becoming available. It was like the Universe was saying to me, "I know what you're trying to do. And there's no way you're going to accomplish what you're trying to accomplish without a dedicated space." It was magical. So I got some more shit done in that space. And now it's gone because it served a purpose for a short time. Now it's time to create something else.

I can't rest on the laurels of what I've accomplished this year because the real success of the year was being productive again. And being productive on a level that I was productive when I didn't know any better. Then I started comparing myself to EVERYBODY and I lost that drive. I worked hard and got somewhere. I got to NYU. And the big lesson of NYU--and by the way, I would do it all over again because it was an amazing time and place to be studying at--was that all of a sudden I had a marker of where I was and it freaked me out. I started chasing the fruits of my labor instead of being invested in the labor. It was a big lesson. And it had to happen the way it happened.  I'm such a better person, not just a better writer after having ten years where I languished in LA.

I don't feel like I'm languishing anymore. I'm not any richer. But I don't feel like I'm directionless or lost. And that's just time and life. I remember the four years I took off between undergrad and grad school. I hadn't written much. But I became exponentially a better writer because of time and life lived.

But that's why this year was important. I cranked. People I know look at me and say, "Wow, you had an office" or "Wow you're writing a lot" or "Wow that's incredible." And it used to be hard for me to take that in. It still is in a lot of ways. But now I can acknowledge how badass that is. And I can appreciate it. I can take that in. This year was about productivity. Because that's what the business is. And that's what I've always been about. I don't take credit for the talent. I take credit for the hard work. When I got into NYU, I started to take credit for the talent because someone very important said I was good enough. The best said I was good enough. And there is always further to go. I had gotten to NYU because of hard work. I'm such a better writer now and that wasn't going to just happen by winning awards or getting accolades.

The reason the saying "You can only claim your labor, but not the fruits of your labor" is such a mantra to me--I realize now for the first time--is because that was the lesson I had to learn post NYU. It has set me free.

So here I am, five scripts later, and I'm ready to start again. That doesn't mean jump right back in to writing pages. But I've been reading and watching and resting a lot. Sleep is completely restorative and it feels good. It regenerates me. It resets my buttons.

I'm ready to create again. I can't be away from it for too long. And the work didn't even feel like work. Well, I can say that now, not having written for two weeks solid. When I'm doing it, it feels like so much work. It feels intense and incredible. It feels like UGH. But it's so necessary to my being. It nurtures my soul, but not in some sort of pansy way. I don't just daydream and romanticize about being an artist. I am an artist. But the engine that drives my art is my work ethic. I'm at it like a laborer. But my taste is artistic. My mind is creative and my hands and back are sore.

I'm ready to jump in again and get ready for the new year. I've got a fantastic new play idea that scares the shit out of me because I don't totally know how I'm going to do it yet. But that's the great thing about writing plays. I don't have to know. I start over each time. With the TV stuff, I can't start unless I know some very crucial things, namely how to make it a sustained story for several episodes a season and several seasons overall.  The screenplay this year was a total shock. A shock that I had an idea and a shock that I was able to execute it after being away from writing screenplays for ten years. But I feel that's in my arsenal now. I have a memoir I'm writing very slowly and that process excites me because I'm writing about things I have been afraid to write about.

I'm juiced and I'm jazzed.

I am grateful for all that I have learned this year.
I am grateful for all that I know.
I am grateful for knowing what kind of person I am.
I am grateful for the decisions I have made and the life I have led.
I am grateful for the ability to continue along this path.

Wholeness

Jane Fonda says that we shouldn't strive to be perfect, but strive to be whole. I think I heard that when she was on the talk show circuit a few years ago after publishing one of her memoirs. Then I heard it again when she was on Oprah's Lifeclass. It always sounded good, but I didn't know what it meant. I mean, I kind of knew what it meant: to be complete, to be integrated mind, body and soul, stuff like that. And it certainly seemed like the kind of thing one should strive for. But I don't think I totally knew what being whole entailed.

I've been meditating on the regular for the past several months and it has made an incredible difference in my life. I feel calmer and more able to handle life. I don't seem to have as much tolerance for the drama that used to inhabit my life pretty regularly. I've been incredibly productive in that time. I smile a lot more. And I just started this Oprah and Deepak 21-Day Meditation Challenge. I did one a few months ago that I really liked. And this one started going well this week. It's Week Two. Week One wasn't so great for me.

I had just finished a second draft of my new pilot. And I had planned that this would be my fifth and final script of the year. But I know how I get when I finish something. I get depressed. So I finished on a Thursday and the following Monday I was set to start the meditation challenge. I assumed that because I had given myself the gift of just focusing on writing for most of the year that I would take November and December to focus on other important matters, mainly money. I started the meditation challenge, which was about the Law of Attraction, focusing on abundance. I concentrated really hard. I kept seeing dollar signs in my head. I need money, so I started intertentionalizing.  My meditations felt really empty. They weren't satisfying. I kept looking for signs that it was working. I felt like one of those stereotypical bad comics who tap the microphone and ask, "Is this thing on?"

I wasn't feeling it, which I was fine with until I got an email from Oprah and Deepak at the end of the first week. They congratulated me for finishing the first week of the challenge. Then they talked about all of these things I should be feeling. I wasn't feeling any of them: hope, light, insight, etc. I was just feeling empty. And now I was also feeling like a failure. The two deities of new age spirituality told me I should be tingling and I am coming up short. But maybe it would kick in soon.

The first week was all about desire. So I closed my eyes, focused hard on my breathing, said the mantra a thousand times and waited for all of the good things to suddenly appear. I was forcing it. I was getting clear about what I desire. Nothing.

So I start week two ready to feel it! Then Deepak throws me a curveball and starts talking about how our deepest desire is for completeness.  Oh, that's an interesting thought. I just want to be the fullest expression of my highest self. I want to be complete. I actually already am. The goal is for the outer life to reflect the inner peace. That's completeness. That's being whole. And I don't need to do much because it already exists in me. I just need to get quiet and let the thoughts flow in and out of my head and just watch them float by. Don't hold on too tight to anything.

Then I had a thought:

When I am whole, I will get everything I desire. I don't get just a salad. Or the appetizer. Or the entree without the sides. Or dessert. When I am whole, it will be all inclusive. I'll even get a cocktail. I'm not going to cheat myself from having the experience of a full meal and the satisfaction when I finish that 15 course or 32 course or 150 course tasting menu. When you are whole, you get everything.

Ooh, I like that. I'm not on a spiritual budget. I can have as much as I want. Okay, I'm down with that idea. I really am.

I am grateful for the time it takes to arrive.
I am grateful for the new Norman Lear book I am going to read before bed.
I am grateful for what a joy it is to be me right now.
I am grateful for productivity.
I am grateful to be refilling my tank.
I am grateful for all I know.

Writing a TV Pilot

This is the last in a series of three blog posts that are based on a class I was asked to attend for a friend of mine at New York Film Academy on playwriting versus screenwriting versus TV writing. This isn't an excerpt from a lecture that I'll be giving, but more of a riff on the subject. I wanted to jot down some notes to get me thinking about what I could possibly say about how I approach writing TV pilots. Go back and read my blogs about playwriting and screenwriting. It has been fun to go back and think about why I write in a certain medium and what motivates me to write in that format.

So here it goes…

Writing a TV pilot is one of the most difficult things I've ever done. At this point in my life, I have written about ten different spec pilots. I also love writing pilots because of the kind of work that goes into them. I recently was running a TV Pilot Writing Challenge for my playwrights group where we had to write pilots in a month. But even before that, I had advised the participants to do their prep work in September, so that by October they would be ready to write the pilot itself. TV Writing isn't like any other writing because you really can't just write your way into it effectively.

With TV pilots the first thing that one should consider is the world of the show. Like I've said about playwriting and screenwriting, the subject matter isn't necessarily what differentiates between TV, Film and Theatre. There are love stories that work on TV, ones that work on film and others that work on stage. The difference is in how a story is told. I love the idea of telling stories that follow the lives of characters over time. What kind of stories can be told in a year, two years, five years? That's what a writer has to consider in writing a TV pilot and I think that concept can be a hard one to grasp.

So I can't even start thinking about a TV pilot until I've figured out what the engine of the show is. And what I mean by that is that I need to know why someone would watch a show about these characters in that particular world for years down the line. Recently, I was getting ready to write a pilot for the writing challenge and I had one particular idea. I had a provocative world where it would be set. I had characters that I came up with. I even had a common motif that bound them together. But what I didn't have was the show. I didn't know what the week-to-week was. I didn't know why we would be watching these characters and what their stories would be. I didn't know what made it a TV show.

Instead, I wrote something where I knew what the structure for each season was and how it would feel like a proper TV show. Otherwise, it's just a short film, a close-ended story. TV stories need to have arcs and need to show the characters growing over time.

In writing TV, it's very clear what's a TV idea and what's not a TV idea. I have to see the week-to-week. Every story has a world we're inhabiting and the rules of that world. Every story has interesting compelling characters and a story. But for me, plays have to take into consideration the fact that they're live. Screenplays can utilize locations and can be more visual in their storytelling. They aren't reliant on language and dialogue to communicate story. And TV, while it can be cinematic and visual, tells us the story of characters over time and needs some sort of hook that will keep us watching week to week or binge watching.

I did a little exercise for myself when my friend asked me to speak to his class. I went and looked at the first ten pages of a play, a screenplay and a TV pilot to see how I laid out story. And I noticed that in all three, there was something of an inciting incident in each one. The story gets started pretty quickly even in the play. But I noticed especially in the screenplay, I had hit all the marks. I introduced the two main characters in the very beginning and we understand the problem our protagonist will face at the very beginning. By page 10, it's clear where things are going. In the TV pilot, it's the teaser.

The teaser is what introduces you to the world, to the characters and to the premise of the show. If you can't get the premise of the show (not the pilot) in that teaser or better yet, in the first three pages of your script, then it's kind of done. Executives read tons of pilots and I can speak from experience, if I don't know what your show is going to be about and who's driving the bus by page 3, I'm out. I am not required to read beyond that. I will put it down. Most people will give you by page 10 or the end of that teaser or first act if that first act is short. You don't have time to meander.

But it was interesting to look at the first ten because for any type of dramatic writing, you only get ten pages. Play submissions sometimes are ten pages of a script. And if that first ten doesn't hook you and introduce what we're going to be looking at, then forget about it. A play can do it in different ways, it can entice you in various ways. But with a screenplay, there's a very specific format. And in a TV pilot, not only do I need to know what this story is about, I need to know what the show is going to be. It's almost like there are more format requirements in writing a TV script than in anything else.

But like I said earlier, it's not the subject matter per se that changes or effects whether I write TV, film or theatre. It's how the story is going to be told and how the story can benefit from or be amplified by being told in a specific medium.

Wow, I guess I have learned a thing or two by doing all the writing I've been doing.

Writing a Screenplay

This is the second in a series of three blog posts that are based on a class I was asked to attend for a friend of mine at New York Film Academy on playwriting versus screenwriting versus TV writing. This isn't an excerpt from a lecture that I'll be giving, but more of a riff on the subject. I wanted to jot down some notes to get me thinking about what I could possibly say about how I approach writing screenplays. I already wrote about playwriting and the next subject is TV writing. I feel I'm discovering a little bit about my process through writing about it.

So here it goes.  Round Two…

I haven't written many full length screenplays in my life. It's probably the form of dramatic writing I'm least familiar with. And when I sat down to work on this latest screenplay, I was worried that I had forgotten how to do it. Fortunately, I have been writing TV pilots so I understood the kind of structure that needed to happen. And I was about to write more visually because I have added some visual elements to my TV pilots.

What makes something a film versus something else?

I'm not the action writing type. So explosions are one way to differentiate oneself. The screenplay I wrote is really a coming of age story and it referenced other films. So I guess that's why it seemed more adaptable to a screenplay. But for me, screenplays rely the least on dialogue. It really is about the action and the visual. Although I love talky movies too.

Screenplays are close-ended stories that are more visual. Maybe that's my answer. With screenplays, things need to happen at certain markers. Act One is pages 1-30 (maybe 1-20ish if you're writing a 90 minute movie). Act Two is 31-90. And Act Three is 91-120. No one I know really writes 120 page screenplays. There's a lot of talk about the inciding incident, the event that kicks off the film. Act One is the set up and the build up to the premise of the film. Act Two is where things get wicked complicated and the winner almost loses. And Act Three is the redemption or resolution.  Plays aren't structured that way in the modern sense.  And with TV, there's a greater story you're telling.

I suppose screenplays can be bigger in scope. Although this screenplay I just finished wasn't. But it didn't necessarily feel like a continuing story either.  But I had a clear story I wanted to tell with a set beginning, middle and end. I suppose I felt that this story was best told in a visual way because it referenced other films. I do have to say that I enjoyed writing this screenplay, which ended up being 94 pages. The story and plot seem to be king in screenplays. Everything moves swiftly and sometimes there are scenes that play without words and are told purely visually.

I have to say that when I looked back at the first ten pages of this screenplay, instinctually, it really hit those marks of introducing my characters and the central question of the piece.  There was an event that set everything off and running. And even with going further and figuring out the event that sets Act One into Act Two, it seemed like everything hit its mark.

I do outline with screenplays and with TV shows as well. I felt like I had a good story that could be told with many characters. Plays seem to be a little more self contained. The last three plays I wrote had either 3 or 4 actors. But for me, the visual aspect of screenwriting is the most fun. It's great to tell a story through visuals instead of through language.  I like to imagine certain shots and  try to write in a way that's aware of what's being seen and less about what's being said. But again, I'm a fan of Woody Allen's films and Richard Linklater's films as well. And those can be very talky. Yet the location is just as much of a character as any of the written characters are.

Maybe that's the difference.

Writing a Play

This is the first in a series of three blog posts that are based on a class I was asked to attend for a friend of mine at New York Film Academy on playwriting versus screenwriting versus TV writing. This isn't an excerpt from a lecture that I'll be giving, but more of a riff on the subject. I wanted to jot down some notes to get me thinking about what I could possibly say about how I approach writing plays. And then I'll follow up with a little something about screenwriting and a little something about TV writing.

So here it goes…

What makes a play different from writing in another medium?

For me, it's about ritual and structure. If I'm writing something that is meant to be performed live, it has a different quality. Theatre is a live experience. That suggests some sort of interaction between the audience and what is performed on stage. There's a thrill and a danger to what's going on onstage and the audience provides that because they have real time reactions to what they are seeing. As I get older and as I've written more plays, I can say that the theatre writing I do is always informed by that interaction.

I'm writing a play right now that has a certain ritual that takes place four times during the course of the play. Each time the ritual is performed, the characters in the story have a different reaction to it. And I have given character to the audience, so each time this ritual is introduced, the audience sees it through the eyes of a different population of people. In this way, the audience is identifying with different groups of people. I couldn't really do that on film.

Whether or not something should be a play is not affected by the subject matter or the dialogue. The dialogue I write doesn't always differ that much. I am more fascinated by the things that aren't being said than the things that are. I don't write dialogue that's poetic or flowery. I write dialogue that expresses the need to articulate thought, sometimes successfully and sometimes unsuccessfully. I probably do concentrate more on what's not being said and how it's not being said. I also love non-dialogue scenes. Part of my background is in dance, so I'm not afraid to put movement in my pieces, whether it's stylized or pedestrian. I like when characters express themselves through gesture and movement. And sometimes it's about a certain identifiable dance style, which takes us back to ritual. I think that a lot of subjects cross mediums. But if I know that through structure and ritual, I can amplify the themes of the story, it usually becomes a play.

In terms of structure, that's probably what makes my plays theatrical. Again, I don't write in any sort of stylized way. But I like to choose a form or a way of telling a story that amplifies its subject. In a recent play I wrote, there were these sermons that the priest character delivers and those sermons relate to the scenes that follow. Also, I decided that I wanted to tell the play backwards because I wanted to explore the idea of someone who has had experiences that shaped them, but I wanted to go from their most experienced to least experienced selves to amplify how life had changed them. Also, I had never written a play with a big reveal in the middle, at the end of the first act. So I ended up doing that in the play as well. It changes the way we see these characters and almost makes them different characters once you get into Act Two and are aware of that reveal. I don't know if the story would be as successful had it been told as a screenplay or a TV show.

Also, when I write a play, it's more contained and more concentrated. I feel like I can explore a subject matter more fully and in a more focused way in a play or screenplay. TV shows are a bit more open ended (we'll get to that soon). Plays allow me to be more playful in a way. And they change from play to play. The rules are different. Screenwriting and TV writing are so structured in terms of the way they're told. They meet a certain expectation. They are static in a way that plays are not static. In a play, I can make up a structure that works for that particular play because the audience is prepared to have a different experience. Not all plays look the same. Some are one acts, some are two acts with an intermission.

When I have an idea for a play, it is usually in my head for awhile. The new play I'm researching I have been thinking about since February. Then I jot down certain things I'd like to have happen. I also don't outline my plays per se.  If I'm working with a complicated structure, then I might organize the story lines to see where they intersect. But in a certain way, a play should feel less fixed. It should feel alive. Because it is live.

The Reboot

I am in bed with my legs stretched out in a pair of gym shorts with a hoodie on. It feels good to recline. I have been sitting up at my own desk for the past five months straight. And I have been sitting up right at a desk in a library for the other five months. So to be here at home alone is a luxury.

I have nowhere to be.
I slept eight hours last night, even gained an hour with the time change and fell asleep for another couple of hours.
It is past 3:30 and all I have done today is eat, poop and watch TV.
I feel like a kid again.
Or, better yet, I feel reborn.

Of course, I know myself and it won't be long until I give myself a project to do.
I actually have plenty of things to do.
But not today.
I am drinking black tea, which is a luxury for me, since I don't do caffeine really.
Then I think I will have some marionberry pie ice cream from Tillamook dairy.
And hopefully, I will get to spend some time in quiet reflection.
Maybe the gym. But that might be too much work for today.

It is Sunday, the day of rest.
And I have not really had much real rest most of this year.

My boyfriend won't be home until 10 or 11 tonight.
That is so awesome.
I love him. But it's so nice to have some time to myself.

I don't have to deal with anyone today.
I can just think about what's next.
And not really think too hard about it.
Just rest. And reflect.

So I'm sure any of the answers I'm looking for in terms of what is ahead for me will come.

It's just nice to have a bit of a reboot every once in a while,
instead of just getting on the hamster wheel and not stopping.

I am grateful for quiet time.
I am grateful for free time.
I am grateful for reflective time.
I am grateful for my time.

The Art of Teaching/The Art of Learning

I have been thinking about teaching a lot lately.
I was just in San Diego filling in for two weeks for a friend of mine who was teaching two Screenwriting classes, one for undergraduates and one for grad students.
I had a great time, as I always do when I'm teaching.
I passed on some good information, I thought. And I had them laughing with me.
They seemed to be interested.
And I think they wanted me back.

I'm comfortable in front of students.
I really enjoy it.
It's community and I love sitting around and talking about writing.

Recently I took on the responsibility of organizing a month-long challenge for the Playwrights Union where we wrote either a pilot or a screenplay in a month.
The Challenge just ended, but it was great to know that there were 16 other writers
who were working on their projects at the same time I was.
We even got together to talk out our ideas a bit and get some feedback.
I didn't consider that teaching,
those writers are of considerable talent and experience.
But I love being around writers and talking about writing.

Part of me feels like it would be great to be in front of a classroom
of students again.
And part of me really thinks that my desire is to be around a group of writers,
pounding out story.
I have spent the past five months in an office, practically by myself,
writing script after script after script.
It has been glorious.
But I would really like to be around people again.
Being social would be a good thing.
And being social at work would be a great thing.

But I love teaching.
Yet, I want to learn.
I have so much to learn.
And I want to be in a position where I am learning,
so I can go back and teach better at some point.
But at some point.
Maybe not now.

I am grateful for my experience.
I am grateful for taking time to rest.
I am grateful for cold, rainy Saturday nights.

Enough

Earlier today I finished a rewrite of my pilot.

That's five scripts since the end of January, which is nine months. Yes, I can look at that number and remark at how amazing that is. And I do. I appreciate how incredible it is that I wrote five scripts:

• one full length play
• one full length screenplay
• two pilots
• one spec script

And now it's the end of October. I have two more months left in the year. And frankly, I have other things I need to attend to. I certainly plan to be writing the rest of the year. But I need to work on supporting myself. I've made writing a priority this year in terms of having uninterrupted time to do it. I had an office I worked out of, which helped me in the productivity department. Having a place to go really made a difference. I wrote three of those scripts in that office.

So what do I do with the rest of my year?

Well, for starters, I need to work on this website for my story consulting business. I need to do extensive research for a new play I'm starting in February. And I believe it will take me three months of research to figure out what this play is. The research is so devastating emotionally that I need time to recover while I'm doing research. I actually started this process over the summer.

I have to say that I didn't have a big plan on what I needed to get done this year. I knew I had a play to write this February and I had an idea. I then had an idea for a pilot I wanted to do about the art world. So I wrote that in March, soon after I had finished writing the play. I think I was done by mid-month.  The idea fell out of me. Then I knew that this application was coming up for Sundance TV Labs. I had a reading in May that I needed to prep for and the Sundance Lab deadline was also in May. So I knew I would be rewriting.  Then I decided I wanted to write a spec to submit to the studio fellowships. By mid June I was done with those scripts. I truly had no idea what I would write next. I didn't have any specific pilot ideas. So I started doing research for a new play. I also had an idea for another play that was light that I wanted to write after I finished working on the new play. Then I was asked to submit a screenplay and I didn't have one. But the second play I wanted to work on had a film theme and it seemed better for me to write it as a film. So I did. That was my August. I had set up a TV writing challenge that I was going to run through the Playwrights Union. And that would give me a goal to have something done in October. I had a whole other idea that I was planning on writing. But then I had a fortuitous meeting with someone who had suggested the idea I ended up writing. And that has been my year.

So having no plan for November and December won't necessarily mean I'm not writing. But I am giving myself the time off. I want to fill the tank. I have so many films in my Netflix queue to catch up on that I would almost be totally satisfied to just spend the next two months clearing out my queue. I'm kind of spent in my output. I just want to take information in. If something comes that I absolutely need to write then absolutely I will. But that's not my priority.

I am hoping that I make room for other opportunities. Like jobs. I need to get back to my meditation practice. I've been subbing for a friend of mine in her screenwriting classes. I would love if the rest of the year was about getting paid to teach. That would be wonderful.

I'm ready to see what's out there and to not have a plan, but to be open.

I am grateful for all of the writing I have accomplished this year.

I am grateful for the love of my partner.

I am grateful for quiet time.

I am grateful for my meditation practice.

I am grateful for happiness.

I am grateful for food.

The Things That Have Gotten in My Way

There are outdated ways of thinking that no longer serve me. The serpent has outlived its purpose.

At least that's what my tarot card readings have said. I have said that I need the serpent in the garden among the tall grass where I can't see him. And I have said things, either out loud or to myself, which have continued to keep me from where I want to be in my life.

My tarot reading also has recently said that I have one last challenge before I get everything I want. I have spent the past several weeks thinking about what that "one last challenge" might be. I also felt that it was tied to this idea of letting go of certain ways of thinking that have held me back. My tarot reading has also said at one point or another that my only limitation is myself. Reality is that everything I want is just waiting for me. I just have to reach for it.

What I'm realizing that that one last challenge is all of it. The challenge isn't in one part. It's one last challenge with many subsets, many line items. And I'm checking them off continuously, bit by bit.

I was at an event last night where I watched two of my favorite trans cabaret performers sing: Taylor Mac and Justin Vivian Bond. I looked around the museum courtyard where this event was taking place and I saw all of these fashionable, successful gay men. The longest romantic relationship of my life has been with a fashionable, successful gay man who didn't give a shit about what other people thought of him. He ran his own business. He was flamboyant in the best ways and he was unapologetic. I felt secure dating a person like that because he was the person I wanted to be. And when I looked at this room I was reminded of him. I always thought that is the kind of person I should be with because their strength would be like a security blanket for me. He would protect me because he's strong and fierce. But I also would feel comforted by the energy of a strong-minded, unapologetic, successful gay man.

Then I realized that I am meant to be that strong-minded, unapologetic, successful gay man. I have been working on that for a while now. Once I broke up with him I set the stage for that to happen. I am meant to be that person. That's the serpent that has outlived its purpose. I no longer have to take a back seat. I would tell people all of the time when we were together that sometimes you're Jackie O and sometimes you're JFK. But that was a lie. That wasn't the relationship I was living. I wanted that relationship, where both people could share the power as equals. My Ex wasn't interested in that. And I felt too comfortable letting him lead, letting him take care of me, letting him be in charge. I always used to say that I let him be in charge because he needed it. But I was continually ignoring what I needed.

Why do I mention that now? Why is that important?

Well, he was one of the serpents. And I got rid of him. But there's another, sneakier serpent who is hiding in the grass. But I let him into the garden. I am responsible for this serpent. The serpent might actually be a tapeworm or the alien in Alien who is trapped inside of me. I am the hero I have been seeking. That's some sort of famous saying, right? But it's true.

And the one last challenge is me killing all of those serpents, so that the hero can emerge. The things that have gotten in my way are me. And I am getting them out of my way. I am asking for help in the way that I need to. I am going to be in the relationship that I need to be in, which is the right one with myself. And anyone I'm with has to be on board with that or get off the train.

What does that have to do with writing?

How much I put myself forward is in direct proportion to how I feel I am deserving of being forward. If I let everyone else be successful and assertive and I even help to get them there at the direct determent of myself, that's on me. That does not mean that I don't want friend to be successful and that I won't even give them advice and help them. But if I am doing it because it feels more comfortable to have someone else take the risk, then I can't complain that I don't have the things in life I want. I want to be a successful, fashionable, unapologetic gay man. I have to direct that energy towards myself and help others from that place. It's the old example of what they say on airplanes: put on your oxygen mask first.

Everything I want is available to me. I just have to take it.

I am grateful for knowing I am worthy.
I am grateful for my power.
I am grateful for self-validation.
I am grateful for the things I know.
I am grateful for the wholeness that exists within me.

Pulling Up the Covers

Why is it that the day or two after I finish something I want to pull the covers over my head and go into hibernation?

It never changes. I've even written about it several times this year since I've been remarkably productive this year so far. It just hits me like a mack truck, this depression.  I go deep into it right away. Is this necessary?

I should just know better and plan on doing something else the first few days after I finish something. It's not like this is the final draft. I've got other things I need to be working on.

And I should focus on the positive. I've gotten my fifth script done this year.  By the end of the month, I will have a more solid draft of this script written, the official first draft. But this is my quick draft. I got it done in four days. I should be proud of that. I should be dancing from rooftops. But instead, I'm in my office feeling so stuck and feeling like such a failure. Why is that? I just wrote a 59 page script in four days. And I wrote an outline in a day before that. And a treatment in a week before that. This is what I hate about being a writer that I am so hard on myself. But I have bought into the feeling that writing is suffering. If I'm happy then that means that I haven't pushed myself hard enough.

But it also means that I have given something of myself to write this script. That it has a cost. If it was so easy to write then I wouldn't feel like I had sacrificed part of myself. These are the things that I tell myself, that it's more real because I feel sadness after I'm finished.

And now what? I finished this writing challenge of writing something new in a month in four days. Yes, I want to really craft this story document. I want to make it really wonderful. I want to get into the world of these characters more deeply. I now have something I can submit to the Sundance TV lab next year if I need to. I have accomplished so much and this should make me feel so happy. But I still focus on the feeling of being unproductive. And this year has been anything but unproductive.

Yet I still return to that place of not wanting to come off as someone who has accomplished things. As someone who feels good about what they've accomplished because I might rub people the wrong way. So instead I punish myself. I punish myself by having a cigarette. I punish myself by having a drink.

I know this is a great thing and a great accomplishment. So I should reset my goals for the year. I have time to get my research done for this play I want to write in February. But should I maybe try to write something else new this year? I have the time to do it. It would be a smart thing to do. I still have some ideas left. I have the time to make this sample so much better than it is. It is, after all, just the first draft. Maybe that's my personal challenge:

To write a polished pilot script in a month.

There's still room to grow and to push. If I accomplished that one challenge I had for myself, maybe there's a new challenge ahead of me. Instead of stopping, I can keep going.

My mood is starting to change. I'm still hungry though.

Maybe that's a good thing.

I am grateful for speed.
I am grateful for this feeling of not being satisfied.
I am grateful for the reminder to push harder.

What If I Chose to Believe My Best Friend

Last night we were at dinner for my best friend's birthday. There were about ten of us. I was sitting at the opposite end of the table and listening to my best friend talk to her mother about me.

"He's being courted by…"

My immediate response, as it always is, is that she makes me sound so much better than I am. The same thing happened when I was writing my screenplay in August because an outreach person at Sundance had emailed me.  She told her family that Sundance reached out to me personally to submit this script. She made me sound anointed, chosen…courted.  My response is always, "Oh, she's just making me sound good."  It's this false modesty thing that I thought  I had gotten rid of. But it's back. Like Jason, like Freddy, like Chucky.

I was just washing the dishes, after watching Elizabeth Gilbert on Super Soul Sunday, and thinking:

What if I actually believed her?
What if what she said was true?

Because it is. And even admitting that sends chills up my spine because I start thinking that people aren't going to like that I am so bold in praising myself or patting myself on the back. It's false confidence. Who am I to think so highly of myself? I go back to what my father used to say about not wanting me to have a big head. I go back to the disapproval I have gotten over the course of my life whenever I do something good: I get made fun of or I get knocked down.

I think about one particular moment in graduate school when a writer in the class below me, who is actually quite a successful and well-known writer, made fun of an evening of new work I had put together and produced. I did it relatively easily. A director friend of mine offered me a spot that had been given up to produce two shows of my own work in three weeks. And I did it. I got five directors together. I set up rehearsal time. I put up posters around school. I rewrote and rewrote.  And then I heard that this guy made fun of it.  He was pissed. He was threatened. And I remember immediately thinking, "What did I do wrong?" He had criticism about how the way I handled myself. He didn't like that I had forged opportunities. He never liked it when he didn't get his way and the fact that within the department I held a position of authority in producing a weekly reading series and that I had specific rules that I upheld…he just wanted to get his way all of the time because that's the way his life had always gone. So instead of support me and wish me well, he bad talked me.

And for years, I had guys in my life who represented that guy in different forms. I kept inviting "that guy" back into my life. I even dated him for five years. I even went to work for him. I kept inviting him to be a part of my life because I didn't know who I was without the person who disapproved. Because I had been taught that the only way to get better, to push myself, was to have someone in my life who really didn't like what I was doing. And when I had true, unconditional support, I dismissed it because I didn't believe it.

And that's what I was doing last night. In my head. For a second.

But what I did last night which was different from even a month ago was that I didn't correct her. I didn't believe her. But I didn't correct her. And that's a huge step. But now, only a day later, I'm ready for the next step. I am going to believe her.

Sundance contacted me personally to submit my script because they believe in what I have to say.
Every script I write is wonderful, incredible, well-written and deserving.
I am so gifted.
I write beautifully.
This woman who had suggested that I write a script about something that's personal to me is courting me.
She believes in me.
She sees something special.
This is the woman who is going to help me along my hero's journey.
My tarot card said it four or five times in the reading.
My horoscope said it last month.
My horoscope said it again this month.

I am going to stop assuming that everyone and everything around me is wrong.
It is fine for me to be proud of myself.
It is acceptable for me to have a big head.
Because I also have a big heart.
I share what I know with people.
I am generous with my time, my knowledge, my self.

I am being courted.
I am chosen.
I am anointed.
I am stepping into the fullness of who I really am.
I am not stalling any more.
I am stepping into the light.

I am grateful for the knowledge.
I am grateful that for the past month I have been continually letting go of beliefs that no longer serve a purpose.
I am grateful that there are so many places for growth.
I am grateful to stand in the truth of who I am regardless of the reaction.
I am grateful to know myself and to continue on that quest.

Church

What is it that Jesus said? Where two or more of you are gathered, there I'll be? Something like that. Meaning that Church doesn't need a building or a lot of people.

I have described my office as a studio. It's the place I come to be inspired every day. It's the place I come to work. You might even say that it's the place I come to worship. Rainn Wilson has called art a form of prayer. For me, it's the way that I celebrate the life force within me. So I would say that's very true for me.

I have mentioned that I am giving up my office at the end of the month. My office, this space, has been instrumental in getting work done this year. For the past five months, this has been a home. Tim, my officemate and friend, has been a big part of that. And now we're giving up the office. It's sad because I think we both have felt the value of having this space. But having this space has also cemented the idea that I can have Church anywhere. I hope that another space that a friend has offered me works out. But right now this is the perfect time to move on from this space.

I have this pilot I'm writing this month. And I know the extra motivation that I won't have the space after the 31st means that I will be getting my work done. Today has already been an incredible exercise in that sort of motivation. I wrote 12 pages of this new script today. It feels good. I might continue on or wait until tomorrow. But it feels insanely good to be this productive.

These past five months have taught me so much about having a time and a space to work. I have learned a ton about having this sort of focused, dedicated time. I know that I can recreate it anywhere. I know that I need to have things around me that personalize the space and motivate me. I have a cork board and a dry erase board and the books around me that inspire me. I hope to take that into the new space and even make it more personal, since it will be mine only.

I am only focusing on the moment, but I don't have any limit on my ideas. I wrote two pilots this year. I'm up for writing two or more next year. I already have another one hour idea that I think is interesting. And I have two half hour ideas that I want to write as well. I have a memoir I want to write. I have a new play I know I'll be writing in February. So maybe another spec (if I need it to apply to studio programs) and something else. If five this year, then why not six next year? I will rewrite the things I am being paid to work on, like if a theatre wants to develop one of the plays I've sent them. And I'm sure I'll be rewriting this pilot the rest of this year, depending on how it turns out. I can't imagine writing something new in November or December.  I want to spend that time rewriting, researching and resting. I think the holidays are a perfect time for that.

And maybe I'll have a Church or maybe I won't. But regardless, I'll have plenty to preach on.

I am grateful for the work.
I am grateful for the muses.
I am grateful for an address for them to come visit me at.
I am grateful for the discipline I have been working on for five months.
I am grateful for conversations about art.
I am grateful to know that the people who I think are killing it are killing it and at the same time are working hard in the trenches, like I am. 
I am grateful that I can inspire people around me and that my glow is felt.
I am grateful to feel the glow of others on me.

Wash, Rinse, Repeat

Today I'm starting over.

I have a new pilot I have to write this month as a part of a writing challenge. I even decided to put myself in charge of this writing challenge to make sure I got the work done. It was motivation. So I have a Dropbox that has a bunch of scripts in it. I have treatments that I've looked at. I have videos I have watched. I have written a treatment/ story bible that details this series idea through Season 3. I still have Seasons 4-6 that I can detail out. I wrote an outline.  And now I'm ready to go.

Or am I?

I am taking a moment of reflection because this has been my year:

• Come up with an idea.
• Write an outline (TV/ Film) or a list of things that might happen (Plays)
• Write a draft in a month.

Wash, Rinse, Repeat…especially when I go back and rewrite. I usually only rewrite a couple of times because I try and lay out the story before hand. I have overworked scripts like mad, writing six or seven or eight or nine drafts. That's too much. Nothing needs to be overworked that much. And in both cases, I knew that I didn't have the series in mind. I had some characters, a story, but I didn't know what happened beyond or why someone would want to watch it as a series.

I just had that experience with the idea I thought I was going to write for this challenge. About two or three months ago, my best friend Alanna and I were coming up with ideas for a pilot I would write with her attached to it. I came up with nine ideas over the course of a weekend. Then we met and chatted about it. She picked the idea that she wanted. I had some ideas I liked, but we went with the one she liked. Now I realize that all nine of those ideas were great ideas, but I wasn't attached to them in any emotional way. It was just…churn out nine ideas and see what you come up with. I have no problem coming up with ideas. I'm an idea machine. And that is one very specific and useful skill set. But for an idea to become a pilot and a series proposal is a much longer road.

So when Alanna got cast in a series that shoots in Vancouver, I figured that was it for this idea. And then I just assumed I would write it during this writing challenge. I had the characters. I had the world of the series. But I didn't have any idea as to what the pilot story would be. I had some thoughts about places to focus with these characters. But nothing was sticking. I had a lot of options, which was good. But nothing was driving me. Then I picked up a book on the subject, as research. And the book was great. But the book was also taking me in a completely different direction.

Then I had a meeting with someone who suggested I write about a subject I've been obsessed with since childhood and suddenly the show popped in my head. First. I knew what the structure of the series was. I knew what the trajectory of the series was. I found a pilot story that worked. Then I expanded those thoughts into a series treatment/bible. The characters I already knew or knew I could figure out. It was clear to me right away.

That's how I know a series idea works. When the series comes to me. I can say that the other pilot I wrote this year came to me in a similar way. I had the idea for the show. Wrote that treatment up in a week along with the outline. Then I wrote the script in a week. That did seem to pop out of me really fast. But that's because it had a personal motivation. I was writing about loss and about father figures. Both of those subjects are really close to my heart. Even the pilot I wrote before that was about food and about family. Those are things I understand as well.

I now have the litmus test. I am not just writing a short film. I am writing something that is the first introduction to a series, a moment in the lives of the characters I am creating at a moment in time in their lives. This is not their entire life, but this is where we're entering for a really good reason. 

I was listening to the other writers in my group share their ideas for their pilots. Some of those ideas were fully realized. Others were just sketches of ideas. I find it great to listen to others ideas because it lets me into their process. I have a part of my brain that analyzes these processes because of experience in writing pilots and in working with writers developing ideas. I try to turn that part of my brain off when I'm listening to these ideas in particular. I am not there to try and make them turn their idea into a series. I am not a buyer. They have to figure out what works for them just like I had to. And what works for one writer does not work for another.

I have a way of working that really feels right and it feels like my process. I have ownership over it. And that's all any of us can do. I think I did the count recently and I'm at about 10 or 11 scripts each of plays, pilots and TV specs. I'm only at 3 screenplays because I really haven't wanted to write anything in screenplay form until recently. When you have studied  TV that much, both in school and on your own by taking a notepad and creating an outline for the show you're watching, you take some knowledge with you.  

My friend Lisa recently said to me, "Wow, you work fast." And I didn't really think of it. All I know is that I have been working this muscle for years, but I have been upping my training and concentration this year. Not only am I on my fifth script of the year, but I have been coaching people on script writing in one form or another all year. I know what the fuck I'm talking about. And I know what I'm talking about because I read a lot of scripts. I watch TV. I watch films. I watch plays. I take info in. 

But the real key for me is that I have decided what kind of scripts I want to write. And I have figured out how to do that. The craft is the vehicle for me to tell the stories I want to tell. No one would ever call any of these ideas great ideas upon hearing them:

• a chem teacher dying of cancer makes meth
• ad exec in the 1960s
• musical comedy about high school
• mobster who goes to therapy

Yes, these are truncated descriptions of what those shows eventually became. But at a dinner party, if you're a writer working on something, that's all you might say. Then someone can very easily shoot them down. But when you read those scripts, they're brilliantly constructed, wonderfully nuanced and immensely readable. They are readable. That's my job. Make it readable. And I do that through a great compelling story, a world I've painted and characters who leave their stain on you. Sure, easier said than done. But that I know I can do. So the subject doesn't matter. As long as I know my subject and know my world convincingly. Then I can bring you in. And my craft and how I structure my story is how you get transported into my world. And once you're there, you want to stay because that world is one worth spending time in. But I've got to transport you first.

I spent this year working on my vehicle. I made it faster, more efficient and a smoother ride. That's why I'm fast. That's why the ideas pop out of my head. That's why I'm good at what I do. Because I do it over and over and over. It's that old adage: Writers Write.  That's the only way to be good. In the 30-plus scripts I have written over the past ten or so years, that has been the reason I'm better than I was before. And I'm only counting the scripts in grad school and afterwards. There were other things written before that. And those short stories, plays, novellas, journals and other things also contributed. So those 30-plus scripts are only the ones I've written once I knew I was serious about writing.

Here's the other reason it's important for writers to write: You're too distracted writing to pay attention to what every the hell anyone else is doing. There's less time to compare yourself. My typical work day:

• wake up
• shower
• meditation for 20 minutes
• drive to work
• work
• watching You Tube videos, interviews, documentaries, reports
• reading research material (books, articles)
• writing outlines, treatments, journals, blogs, scripts
• driving home
• watching TV (reality, scripted, movies, binge watching)
• sleep

I don't have time to worry about what someone else is doing. That's actually why I'm naturally limiting my Facebook time. I am not cutting it out. I am not giving it up. I am not going Cold Turkey. It doesn't work with cigarettes and booze and it doesn't work with any other distraction for me. I just need it less. So I use it less. But Facebook is one of those things that will make me solely focused on what everyone else is doing. It really distracts me and sometimes makes me feel bad about myself. So I try to limit it. There's useful information shared and it alerts me to certain play submission deadlines and job postings. And it lets me send condolences or congratulations. But that's all I try and use it for. If I'm on it too long, then I naturally start to feel bad about the things I'm not doing. Instead of doing the thing I want to do and being too busy to worry about what someone else might think about my productivity.

I don't care. It's nice when people say good things. It's not nice when people say bad things. I try not to invest too much in either. But I just make sure I say Thank You. To both. Because even the veiled insults are lessons.

I am grateful for friendships that keep me motivated.

I am grateful for a mental space as well as a physical space to write.

I am grateful for life.

I am grateful for the knowledge of what's really important.

The Fourth Quarter

Today's the first day of the Fourth Quarter of the Year.

I looked at my writing year divided into each quarter. During the First Quarter, I wrote a full length play in a month in February and I wrote a full one hour pilot in March. In the Second Quarter, I wrote three scripts in May and part of June: a play rewrite, a pilot rewrite and a spec. In the Third Quarter, I wrote a screenplay in August and I prepped my pilot bible and outline in September.

Now it's time for the last quarter of the year.  Bringing it home.

I plan on writing my pilot script this month. I'm hoping to get through a full pass at the script and maybe a rewrite. Then November and December are going to be about rewriting and researching. So I'll do a pilot rewrite and research for a play I'm going to write in February during the Playwriting Challenge. This has been an intense year for writing.  By the end of the year, I will have written five full scripts (two pilots, one screenplay, one play and one spec). I'm pretty blown away by that.

The Second Quarter in a way was my most productive time with the two rewrites and the spec. Although in the First Quarter I wrote two scripts from scratch. However, in the Third Quarter, I wrote a full screenplay in five weeks and I haven't written a screenplay since Grad School. So each Quarter had its own degree of difficulty.

And am I going to take it easy?  Probably not. During the last few months of putting together this TV pilot writing challenge for my playwrights group, I realize how much of an instinct I have for TV. I know what I am talking about. I have accomplished writer friends who are not asking the right questions of themselves in writing TV. It's like they forgot what to do from theatre to film. I know that all the scripts I wrote showcase something great about my writing. And that they are well constructed. It ain't easy.

But I want to keep pushing.  I don't want to stop. I'm excited by this new pilot. I have the outline and the bible written. Now it's just time to get it done this month and to work on getting representation. I have scripts I am ready to send out. It's time to do that.

I am grateful for so much productivity.
I am grateful for so much focus.
I am grateful for sleep.
I am grateful for quiet and rest.

September Review

It has been such a busy month that I only have 11 blog posts (not including this one) written. The pattern for me this year has been that the more I write, the more I blog. The busier I am with stuff, the more I had thoughts that I had to blog about. That didn't completely happen this month.  Here's a breakdown of what I got from this month based on what I was up to:

September 1-4: Workin' on my Movie

I had a screenplay due.  I had a screenplay I was trying to write in five weeks. So the first few days of the month were full of writing to get this script done. I knew I was going to be writing a new script in October, so I was trying to get all of my prep work done and wanted to finish the screenplay so I could move on to other stuff.  I finished the screenplay one day before its due date and turned it in.

September 9: Meditating for a Mentor/ Desk Fell

I had a tarot card reading that kept revealing that I would meet a woman with dark hair and dark eyes who would be a mentor to me.  I decided on this day to meditate on this woman coming into my life. So I did. And an hour later, the woman who seems to be the clearest representation of who that woman could be called me. We set up a coffee date for the following week.  Then my desk collapsed.  At the time, I took it as a sign that the Universe wanted me to go home and rest up since I had been working hard and consistently over the past five weeks. But upon thinking about it further, I think Resistance, that force that keeps us from doing the thing we are meant to be doing, was at work. There was definitely an energy push back that was going on.

September 11: Challenge

9/11. Significant for many reasons. My boyfriend and I celebrate our month anniversaries and we met on the 11th of July.  He was out of town, so I was celebrating that alone. But I had a difficult conversation with a friend. Our purposes were at odds with each other. But it reminded me that Resistance isn't too far away when you are reaching for a goal. Now I could have been upset with this person, but I understand that he was just expressing what was in him to express. Resistance had taken human form and spoke through my friend. It wasn't personal. But it had smelled what I was up to and decided to put up a road block.

September 17: Share the Wealth

This woman who might be a mentor for me had asked me to meet with someone about the theatre scene in LA. We had a great chat about life in LA and writing and trying to find your bearings.  It was a lovely conversation and I felt like I needed to share some of what I knew.

September 19: Meet Up

I had coffee with this potential mentor figure for two hours. We chatted about a lot of things and at the end of the conversation I felt inspired. She had suggested I write about a subject I've always been interested in, but never thought to write about. After our coffee, I went and worked with my friend in our office. Then I drove home and started thinking about this new idea. By the drive home, I had the entire series worked out in my head.  Then I went home and wrote it up.

September 20: Idea Share

This was our big group idea share. Eleven writers talking about their ideas and getting feedback. Glorious. It was inspiring.

Then I got together with an old group of friends and realized how much things had changed.  My life was starting to take a different shape and I was okay with that. I need different things now.

September 22-26: Working on the New Idea

So the new idea started to take shape.  I can't work on a TV idea if I don't know what the show's going to be. I can't just know what the script is going to be. It seems useless to me now if I just try to write something good in 65 pages. I have to know the world. I have to know what I'm referencing.  I need to give it a shape. And this week was putting that together.  The big lesson I had this week was patience. I just needed to let myself get into the idea. At one point, I thought I would work on two scripts, but with this new idea, I knew that one was enough.  Five scripts this year is plenty. Let's not push it.

September 27: Writers Talking

I went to a party at a friend's house to kick off this TV and Film Writing Challenge that I am working on with my playwrights group.  Had great conversations with great writers. It has been kind of terrific.  Stayed late. Past my bed time.

September 28: Change of Scenery

Got an email from my office mate that he was giving up the office. Decided not to take on the lease. I realized that I had a great five months there and it was the perfect time to move on after I finished this script in October. The office had been a great home for me and now it was time for a new home. Again, change is something I've become more comfortable with and that I now welcome.

September 30: End of the Month

Got my outline done today. I had a goal that I wanted it to be done by the time I had to start this challenge on October 1st and I finished it at the last minute. But now it's done and now I can start October on this writing challenge. I have a 12 page story bible and a three page outline. I am equipped to start working. I am not letting Resistance get me, in any of its forms. And it has been after me this month with a vengeance.  But now I know what and who I need to be surrounded by. That is the clear message I have gotten all month. And like the saying goes, when you know what you want the Universe conspires to help you get it.  And this month felt like 30 days of conspiring, setting the stage for the next part of my life.

I am grateful for insight.
I am grateful for instinct.
I am grateful for time and patience.
I am grateful for resilience.
I am grateful to know who I am.
I am grateful for September.

Welcoming the Unexpected

Four months ago, who would have guessed that I would have an office that I work out of and call home. Back in May, I started a chain of events that led me to this point. I went away to write three scripts that were due at the end of the month. I had money in my pocket from two fruitful paying jobs in April. So I was able to relax and drive up to Monterey to write for a week and stay with my friend Molly. It was exactly what I needed. I wrote about it in this blog and that inspired my friend Tim to lend me his office for three weeks when I got back. Then his office mate decided to leave and I took over the office. It was a real blessing over the past four months. I know I wouldn't have completed two scripts were it not for the office. I have another script I'm writing in October and then I'm taking two months to do some rewriting.

And now it's time to move on…

Money's getting a little tighter. Tim's giving up the space and I've decided not to take it on. I had some thoughts about that this morning. And they weren't the expected freak outs of "what am I going to do now?" Being in this space for the past four months has allowed me to create a practice around my writing. I know that practice will continue. Another friend has already offered me a space in an apartment building she's thinking of purchasing. So I know I will have somewhere to go.

My space is taking me through the writing of a pilot script in October. That's as long as I need it for the year. And that frees me up. It doesn't keep me tied to my space. Maybe there's travel on the horizon. Maybe there's more work on the horizon. I see it as freedom more than anything. And I am thankful that it was there when I needed it. I will have written five scripts this year and creating this space together with Tim was a big part of that.

I'm excited because I think it means that changes are underway.

I used to be afraid of change. But I realize that a lot of personal and professional growth has happened for me when things change. I now know what a creative space looks like. I know what a creative practice looks like. And I know how to set up shop elsewhere.

I am grateful for the past four months of productivity.
I am grateful for the next month of change.
I am grateful for the ideas that are formulating around this new pilot idea.
I am grateful to have a community of writer friends.
I am grateful for what's to come.

Instinct

Sometimes when you're trying to figure out what you're writing, you have to figure out what you're not writing.

I'm working on a new idea. It's a world that I don't think has been written about in an authentic way. During our Idea Share, I spoke about what I am trying to write to the group.  And in an email exchange today, a friend of mine asked me about the idea.  He mentioned everything I realize my show isn't.  I had made a list of things that I want to do with this show and he suggested I do it as a period piece in the 1980s. But I realize that by skewing too close to that era, it will come off as a night time soap from that era. I'm already writing a serialized drama.

The point is, I want to hold to my vision. And I do appreciate my friend's advice.  Then I thought about what would happen when people would give me advice in the past.  I would waiver.  I would doubt my own instinct.  I would question if what I wanted to do was the right thing to do.  And when my friend suggested things that I knew were not my story…1) I knew it right away; 2) I held firm in what I know this story is.

When did that change? When did I stop being the person who wanted to please everyone? When did I become the person who didn't doubt his own intelligence anytime anyone challenged his ideas? When did I become the person who didn't back down because he was afraid of being disliked? When did I gain this amount of confidence?

I know what I want. I know that going down this road with the story is a harder way to go. But I also know what I am going to do and why I am going to do it. Therefore, I will find a way that will make it work.

I think in the entertainment business one thing we don't depend on enough is our instinct.  I worked in a TV entertainment office for seven years. For years during and after that, I thought I had wasted my time. I thought that I spent too much time there. But now that I talk to other writers who want to make a go of it in TV, I realize that I have an instinct about story. I have a way of writing that asks the big questions in a small way. I use the mundane everyday task of existing to comment on the universal questions of life. I make it personal. I don't forget about the things that make me a great writer when I'm trying to write a TV script.

I don't assume to know what people in TV want because I have worked in TV and I know that all they want is a brilliant script. It has to get to them from someone they trust. It has to be something that someone else seems to want. It needs to be from a writer who has a track record, either via recommendation or via demonstration.  That means that the writer has to be vouched for from someone they know or already known for doing something of quality or note.

I had another friend recently remark that I work incredibly fast. I had one idea for a pilot that I wanted to write. I had done a ton of research. I realized that the idea wasn't ready yet. Either I needed to take a different angle or it wasn't a TV show. So I moved onto another idea that someone suggested to me and I soon had an idea for the show. When I talked to her about it, she said that I worked fast. I guess that's instinct. But it's also experience.

I have written 11 or 12 pilots on my own. I have read hundreds and hundreds of them. I have watched a lot of TV, studied a lot of TV, taken notes while watching TV. I have worked with writers on pitches. I have seen scripts by writers in the early stages. I have seen scripts that have gotten people work. I have seen scripts that have gotten on the air. These are muscles that are well-developed and exercised often.

I spent part of December and part of July reading scripts for a regional theatre. For very little money. People asked me why I did it. I said I did it to keep my skills sharp. It was only $15 dollars a script, but what it does to keep my eyes and ears sharp is invaluable.

I write because I love it. I write because I have to. I don't write to make a living.

But I write every day. So what that says to people who know me, who know of me, and who I meet is that I am a writer. So if you do it enough, eventually they pay you. And eventually, they realize that you're good and they should pay you a lot to do it. That's how it happens.

I am on the verge of writing five scripts this year. It's no surprise that I am having a problem with this one because it is presumably the last one of the year. It's the same problem I had in May when I had a spec to write for a submission. I had rewritten a play, rewritten a pilot and the spec was the last on the list. The spec took the longest, not only because it was written from scratch, but because it was the last one in my bunch. I had three scripts to write in a month. Sure I could write one. Even two. But when the third one came around, it took extra time. If I had the goal to write four scripts in a month, one two and three would have been done. And four would have lagged.

But this is my pace now. And now that I have conquered the task of productivity, these scripts are taking longer because now I know how much better they have to be. The next task is content. I am not discouraged by the fact that I am struggling with this idea and making the ideas I want to convey in this script come to life because I am doing something that can be done much easier. That's not what I want to do here. I also have a play that I am working on that has an easier way of being done because a lot of people have done it the easier way, or from the most obvious perspective. Not me. I have to make everything harder for myself. I have to learn the hard way. That's what my Dad used to say about me all the time growing up.

But doing the things the hard way have given me a lot of practice at failure, which means that it has given me a lot of practice. And when I nail it, I'm going to nail it hard. And it won't be anything like anyone else's work. It will be well crafted because I have learned through repetition and through continuing to raise the bar for myself.

It will be great. It will be solid storytelling. It will reveal important things about the human condition. And it will be seamless.

All of the repetition will be worth it. All of the reading and writing and watching will be worth it. Because it has built my instinct to a place where it is impenetrable.  And that's good.

I am grateful for the time it has taken.
I am grateful for the space in which it takes place.
I am grateful for the challenges that have made me more resolute in my instinct.
I am grateful for the struggle.
I am grateful for the definition my life now has because I know what I want distinctly.

Idea Share

Yesterday, I had a transformative experience.  I sat in a conference room with 11 other writers who had all committed to a goal of writing a television pilot script in the month of October.  We committed four hours on a Saturday to listen to each other explain our creative ideas.  Instead of making excuses...

• I have work to do.
• I'm busy.
• I have better ways to spend my time.
• I've got my own script to be working on.
• If I share, that means I'm taking away something from myself.

We decided to get together and share.  And that's transformative because it's the Pro who knows that they aren't giving away opportunity by reaching out and helping others.  I heard great ideas.  I heard fully fleshed out great ideas.  And I heard glimmers of great ideas.  I heard ideas that are making people think and expanding their own idea of what they can do.  I heard commercial ideas and non-commercial ideas.  And we all had our own ways of getting to the same goal of writing a new script.  Some people had notes.  Other people spoke off the top of their heads.  Some folks had fully fleshed out treatments that they read from.  It was an excellent lesson in process.  And it was a validation that we all have separate processes.  

I needed that.  

I am confident in my ability to generate ideas.  I have been at it for a long time.  So I was getting ready last week for this session and I felt like I had a solid idea.  I had gone out to get a book on this idea.  I had been researching for awhile.  I was getting ready to set up some interviews.  I was knee deep in this idea.  Then I had a meeting with a business associate and this person gave me a new idea.  Well, she didn't give it to me so much as dig something out in me that I hadn't put the spotlight on (more on that in a later blog post).  

But what did I do initially?  I pushed that idea to the side.  Then I went back to my office and started working on the original idea.  Then I was driving home and this new idea started to take shape.  I had the structure of the series, the main character, the world, the concept, the next several seasons all begin to take shape on that drive home.  Then I went to the office on Saturday before our session and started to work out those ideas.  It became clear what I needed to work on.  The ideas were flowing out of me.

With my other idea, I had the characters, the world and some conflicts.  But it didn't just come together.  

It was great for us to come together and share what we're working on with each other.  I know all of these writers and I'm confident that they're pretty talented.  And sitting down for four hours to hear all of these ideas seemed overwhelming at first, but it was great.  I'm just happy to have a group of people I trust and a safe, pleasant space to work in.  I felt like I was welcoming them into my creative home and it was terrific.  The ideas were in various stages of readiness, and I felt like I learned a lot just by listening to the ideas and getting to comment on what I responded to.  

I'm finding that it's rare to have a group of people I respect and who have the same interests, work ethic and ability.  When all of those things come together, I feel like it's important to support that in whatever way possible.

I am grateful for friendships.

I am grateful for creative space.

I am grateful for kindness.

I am grateful to have a place to go to every day to write.