I spent a lot of time this past weekend with former students.
I had gone up to Santa Clara to see old friends,
to see some students in a show,
and to go see one of my former Playwriting students deliver his last one act play in the annual festival.
I met with a few colleagues and chatted about teaching,
which is something I thought I wanted to do up there when a job opportunity came along.
I was pretty angry about it and even accidentally voiced my opinion about it
and stuck my foot in my mouth.
Honestly, I was only embarrassed for about a minute because the head of the department
overheard something I said in partial jest.
Then I let it go because it really doesn't matter and there was some truth in what I said.
And I don't mind that she heard it.
I'm not worried about what she thought of it. It was a joke.
And even if there was some truth to it,
I don't feel bad that she knew I was displeased about the way things turned out.
I stand behind what I said.
I had interactions with former students
who told me they had sent letters on my behalf to the department,
telling them that they thought I should be teaching there and
reflecting on the impact I made on them.
I was massively touched.
I had a beer with a former professor and colleague who is about to become
the next chair of the department.
I had coffee with another colleague and friend.
I ran into another colleague and friend who told me that I shouldn't give up
on pursuing something at the school.
But I really feel like it's time to let it go.
Maybe something will come back around
and if it's meant to be, then it will.
But I don't need to pursue this opportunity any longer.
I know what I have to give and how they would benefit.
But everything is working out just fine for them.
I went to the Playwrights Festival
to support this former student of mine who has made great strides,
not only in his writing but as a person.
He's a much more comfortable presence around his classmates.
They hold him in high regard because of his talent
and they see him as a leader.
Even to have lunch with this guy has gotten easier
as he's become more comfortable with himself.
It has been great to watch the transformation.
I feel like I had some part in helping him expose his talent.
And I saw the professor who has been teaching there for several years.
He's liked.
He cares for them.
He needs to be there.
Yes, I could say a lot of things about him and the department
and why I would be so much better.
But that might not be true.
And as another student reminded me,
it just means that bigger things are ahead for me.
I need more that the department cannot provide.
And then I felt okay.
My strong desire to hold up my own standards
should stay with me.
I should use those high standards to make my work great.
I should use those high standards to make myself great.
I should hold myself to those high standards
and that's enough.
The buildings will not crash
and the students will not suffer terrible disasters
if I am not there.
I know what I have to offer and it's terrific.
But I need to be focused on myself.
I will find ways to give.
I will find ways to teach.
I will find ways to share
that don't involve being a university professor.
At least for now.
As Bethenny Frankel explained to her long time assistant who finally was leaving:
"You are good for this job. It is not good for you."
I am grateful to close a chapter in my life.
I am grateful for more challenges and possibilities.
I am grateful for the chance to do more work on my own.
I am grateful that I have found some other revenue streams.
I am grateful to that I am focusing on what is positive in my life.
I am grateful that I have made it a top priority to take care of myself.
I am grateful for the love of my niece and nephews, my family, my boyfriend and my good friends.
I am grateful for gay pride weekend coming up this weekend.
I am grateful that I got a restful sleep last night.
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