Not Winning Today

I am blogging.
I am reading the transcript to Shonda Rhimes' Commencement Speech at Dartmouth.
I am eating a lot.
I am ten pounds heavier than I was a month ago.
But I am not winning.

I am not whipping through this House of Cards spec like I'm supposed to.
I am not fearlessly tearing through my outline, which I wrote last week.
The last time I felt accomplished was last Wednesday.
Every day since then has been rough.

But I go to the office and I sit and write.
Or I sit and I prepare to write.
Or I sit.
In front of a desk.
That looks really official.
Like a writer writes there.
And a writer usually does write there.
Tomorrow I am bringing in reinforcements.
My friend David who will be there sitting across from me
and making sure that I get my shit done.
I am hoping I can do some work tonight.
But I'm scared.

I'm scared of writing something that's beyond me.
I am scared that it won't coalesce the way that I imagined it.
I am scared of failure.
Like when I was in the fifth grade and I didn't want to embarrass myself
as an altar server by falling backwards
or burning the altar down
or missing my cue.
I can't let fear have such a grapple on my life.

And I can't look at my self as a failure
because I'm scared.
I have been incredibly productive this year so far.
According to Facebook.
According to my FB posts and the feedback from friends who say that even though we don't talk,
they feel like they know what I'm up to.
And what I'm up to is inspiring.
I'm living the life I want to be living.
I'm writing.
I'm creating.
I'm dedicating myself.
I'm a doer.

That's something that Ms. Rhimes says in her speech.
Don't be a dreamer.
Be a doer.
And I'm not dreaming about being a writer.
I am a writer.
And that's the reward and that feels wonderful.
So even me typing out this blog means that I'm a writer and that I'm writing.
This is writing.
I spend my days,
not at a day job,
but writing.
And I've made some money recently because I know something about writing.
I have to keep doing what I'm doing.
I have to keep showing up.
It doesn't always feel like success.
Actually, it rarely feels like success in the day to day.
But when you hold that script in your hand and you feel the weight of it,
that does feel like success.
And I did this.
Just recently.
Finished a pilot script.
And finished a play draft.
I did this.
All I have to do is do it again.
It's the dreamer in me that's dreaming that just because I dream it,
it will get done.
But I actually have to do it for it to get done.
That's how it gets done.
And I just did it.
That's all I have to remind myself.
I do it all of the time.
I'm doing it now.

I am grateful for true friendships.
I am grateful for office space.
I am grateful for gratitude.
I am grateful to be alive and safe and healthy and looked after.
I am grateful for guardian angels.
I am grateful for a higher purpose.
I am grateful to be writing.
I am grateful that my job is to be a writer.
I am grateful to be making it work.