What Am I So Afraid Of?

I have a stack of index cards.
I have an outline.

And I sit in my office today, unable to start.
Yesterday, I didn't do much starting either
although I have had the index cards done since Wednesday night.
I have all of my creature comforts.
My snacks from Trader Joe's,
my drinks,
my munchies…
I have been in overeating writing mode for the past month
and have the weight gain to show for it.

I am ready to…GO!
Seriously, I need to GO!
But I sit here.

Maybe I should do some outlining on the two plays I want to write.
Maybe I should inspire myself and start watching Season 2 of Orange is the New Black, which
came out today?
Maybe I should go outside,
take a walk,
put on my headphones,
get some air,
do some breathing exercises,
go to the gym,
get my blood moving…
ANYTHING.

But I've only been in the office for an hour and a half,
and 13:56 was spent on the phone with my mother
while she wanted to catch up for "just a minute."
(12:56 later)
Maybe a movie.
That Fault in Our Stars looks good,
or at least good enough to distract me from the work I should do.
X-Men Days of Future Past, Chef, Fed Up (the documentary about childhood obesity),
Edge of Tomorrow (sounds like a 70s soap opera - and probably the only movie I won't see).
I have a lot of things on Netflix to catch up on.
I should finish that documentary about three very different restaurants from around
the country, Spinning Plates.
Or I could watch Mademoiselle C again, about Carine Roitfeld.
Or I could watch Broadway Danny Rose on HBO Go.
Or Gia.

There are so many things that I would rather be doing right now.
But I need to sit down and do this work.
Because it scares the bejesus out of me.
Then I can work on the other stuff that doesn't make me so nervous.

Who I am to think that I could actually write a spec of House of Cards?
My friend Cory said yesterday
that maybe there won't be a lot of people who write a House of Cards
because they'll realize what a ballsy move that is and that it takes
real chops to do that.
I told him that most people are not that self-aware.
Did I just insult myself?
And "not a lot" out of 1000 submissions could still be 100.  Or 50.

But I'm taking risks and I'm risking totally embarrassing myself
with the choices I'm making.
If this script never sees the light of day, then it won't matter.
And if it gets me a place in the ABC fellowship and it jumpstarts my career,
then that's also a good thing.
It's essentially a win-win.
And why not go for it.  Seriously.
I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
I gain experience writing this spec.
I gain another skill set in writing something this political, overt, over the top,
grandiose, operatic, dangerous, risky, wild, crazy, ridiculous, smart, capable,
literate, insane, wonderful, hyperbolic…the list goes on.
I go further in the redefinition of myself as a person and as a writer.

As a person, I have become more cunning, sure of myself, direct and strong.
As a writer, I have become better, smarter, sharper and fearless.
If this spec helps me get further into that place
where I'm willing to try and do anything,
then I will be a success in the writer's room,
in meetings,
in casual conversations with colleagues,
and I will be showing just how smart I am.

My best friend's mom gave me some advice a couple of years ago:
Don't be afraid to let people know how smart you are.
And I feel that everything I have done in the past three years
has been an act of me taking that advice,
even when I didn't know it.

I am grateful to be showing people how smart I am.
I am grateful for a plethora of ideas.
I am grateful for the inspiration.
I am grateful to be capable of becoming a different writer.
I am grateful to be working hard.
I am grateful to be working alone.
I am grateful to be typing fast.
I am grateful to be hydrated and happy.
I am grateful to be awake and refreshed.
I am grateful to have ideas.
I am grateful to have ways to express those ideas.
I am grateful for index cards.
I am grateful for outlines.
I am grateful for thoughts.