Living the Dream…?

On my way back from yoga, meditation and lunch this afternoon, I got a phone call from my boyfriend.  I was recounting my day so far, which included a productive coffee with a very good friend of mine who also works in the biz.  Great conversations always inspire and motivate me.

After I told him that I went to yoga and that he had missed me earlier because I was meditating right afterwards, he said:

"Wow.  You're living the dream."

Okay.

I'm going to hit the pause button here, like they told me to do when I was studying Kabbalah eight years ago.  I hit the pause button instead of flying off the handle.  I could have called him on being passive aggressive.  I could have lashed out.  But instead I said:

Yeah.  I am living the dream.

That could also be considered a bit passive aggressive.  But if he wants to consider

spending my days writing

or reading

or taking a yoga class to clear my mind for

meditation 

living the dream…

then absolutely.  I am living the dream.

But this dream is my reality.

So really I am living my reality,

which really is what I wanted to say to him

as bitchy as possible.

But I PAUSED.

Then I thought about what he said.

Actually, I thought about what he meant.

For a moment.

Then I realized that is none of my business.

I don't think he meant it in 100% a supportive way.

Although I know he's supportive.

He probably reflected on what that meant for him.

But this is what I would say:

Living any life that you want to live is a choice.

Being happy is a choice.

Dictating the direction of your life is a choice.

It's a choice

I wasn't making for many, many years.

I was living someone else's choice.

Funny thing:

I got a series of serious emails from my former boss' wife

to his current assistants,

his part time office assistant,

and the office organizer he's hired 

to get all of the shit together.

I was cc'd on these emails because I had come in to freelance

and train his assistants two months ago.

And they said they didn't need me to come back this month,

but I still got cc'd on about ten emails

back and forth

in the course of 10 minutes.

I think the Universe was trying to remind me 

of the life I used to live,

not having the choice 

and not "living the dream."

If I'm abiding by anyone's mantra or motto or catchphrase

it's Matthew McConnaughey's:

"Just Keep Livin'"

Because that's what I'm trying to do.

I'm trying to be happy as much as possible

as many times during the day

because we only get so much time.

I've talked on here recently about not wanting to get wrapped up in 

certain negativity I see around me

exhibited by certain friends.

I can only live the life that I choose to live.

Everyone else has to make their choices.

I respect that and I embrace the right to choose.

For me,

I'm going to spend as much time as I can writing and being productive.

It's so rewarding.

I feel like I'm winning all of the time

instead of feeling like I'm losing because I'm trying to compare myself 

to what other people are doing.

And if that rubs people the wrong way,

that is none of my business.

Even when that person is my boyfriend.

I'm not sure what he meant by saying that I'm living the dream.

But I am.

I am living the life I want to live

so that living the life I want to live

becomes a habit

and transforms

and gets added on to with notice and money and opportunity.

But I am not working towards that.

I am not shaping my life so that I can achieve a certain goal.

But I am implementing systems

so that I am writing all day.

And like I've said,

everything is writing.

Reading,

watching TV,

talking to friends,

socializing,

engaging.

The goal is to live the life that makes me the most happy,

the most full, 

the most engaged and turned on.

Writing in the way that I'm writing now

is what makes me the most happy.

The other stuff will follow.

I can't spend my life worrying about what I don't have

compared to someone else.

That's not living the dream.

That's living someone else's dream.

That's living vicariously through someone else.

And being constantly disappointed

because I'm not measuring up.

And that's not good.

I am grateful for yoga.

I am grateful for clarity.

I am grateful for Tuesdays.

I am grateful for women playwrights, many of whom I'll see later.

I am grateful for solitude.

I am grateful for quiet.

I am grateful for conversations that inspire and excite me.

I am grateful for books that make me want to write more.

I am grateful for breath.

I am grateful for my health and energy.

I am grateful to shift focus.

I am grateful for the variety in my life.

I am grateful that I am living the life I want to be living.