Type type type type away

Sometimes it feels like I just move my fingers on this keyboard as muscle memory in a way to get thoughts moving.  Yeah, that's exactly what I'm doing.  I'm hoping a thought falls out at some point.

Today is like that.

I often choose to ignore writer's fatigue.  I just try to keep going.  I know what I want to work on next.  I remember working on the House of Cards spec and thinking, "I can't wait until I get to work on this next play.  And I sit here a bit paralyzed.

I am in my office, next to my friend and office partner Tim, who looks very productive over there.  Maybe I'm just sleepy.  I meditated this morning.  Isn't that supposed to help?  I'm listening to music.  I've been here for over an hour.  Shouldn't I have some inspiration by this point?

I have some great research I have been doing for the past week.  So that's good.  Lots of movies, books and articles.  The problem with the research is that it's all depressing.  Well, I guess that makes sense given the subject matter.

I was watching this Woody Allen documentary yesterday where someone said that the moment he finishes the edit on the previous film, he starts writing the next.  And I guess I kind of did that with the writing marathon I did for six weeks.  I took about a week to recover and then I started back up working on the next race.

It really is like a marathon.  You train for a marathon and then you finally run it.  Then you let your body recover for a few days and then go back and start back up training for the next one.  So it's

run run run run

instead of

type type type type

But the same concept.  Just keep going.

All right.  I'll try to take that advice.

I am grateful for marathon metaphors.
I am grateful for a weekend of watching movies.
I am grateful for art.
I am grateful for music that helps me.
I am grateful for my morning meditation.
I am grateful for the lights in this office that are keeping me awake.
I am grateful for the air conditioning in this office that is keeping me awake.
I am grateful for Tim's presence, which is keeping me awake.

To Be or Not To Be…Funny

I'm re-watching the Woody Allen Documentary that was American Masters a few years ago.  I'm researching two plays at once right now.  When I need some levity, I research the play that isn't supposed to be absolutely devastating.

I'm writing one play loosely based on my childhood.  It's nostalgic and it's partially about my love of Woody Allen.

The other play is an issue play and it's about an issue that's so horrible.  I was talking about this play with a friend of mine the other day and he asked:

Is it a comedy?

I laughed because the subject matter is dark.  And I love writing about dark things in a funny way.  And yes, there will probably be some comedy there.  But the question was a serious one.  And I don't want to be flip about this subject.  There are parts of this play that I want to be absolutely gut wrenching and core shaking.  And if I need to get myself out of that a bit with some comedy, then maybe there will be some laughs.

The other play about my childhood is lighter in tone.  But also starts off with a real paranoia I had as a kid and a lot of people still have: the fear of AIDS.  And ultimately the play is about escapism.  So it has both.

I got to the part in the documentary where they talk about Annie Hall, one of my favorite films ever.  And it is described as a game changer for Woody because it's when he started getting more serious.  And over his career since then, he has gotten dark and he has gotten light again.  For me, I started out writing comedy.  And I only wanted to write comedy because I felt that I didn't have the depth to be serious.  Time has changed that.  I started writing plays that were more serious awhile ago.  And most of my plays since have been pretty serious, even though there have been laughs.  The dialogue is funny, the situations have not been so much.

I want to write about things I am concerned about.  That's a serious endeavor, even though all of the work varies in terms of its seriousness.  I love funny.  I have some scripts I've written that are very funny and being funny lets the air out a bit, it takes the piss out.  Some times you need comic relief.  And I know how to be funny.  I have that in my work and in my soul.  I come from people who are deeply silly and I love that.  But I also love to cry.

Woody said something about cherishing the tragic muse more than the comic one and I identify with that.  Some how I want to be taken seriously and while I can use my comic voice, it's the tragic one that affects me more deeply.  I love satire and I love screwball comedy.  I love silliness.  But I also have a part of my voice that wants to say something and I need practice in learning how to say something in a way that's emotional and affecting.

The three scripts I just finished writing were all pretty serious.  One is about an existential crisis.  One is about…actually, TWO are about an existential crisis.  And the third is a House of Cards spec.  And that does get a little existential.  So maybe I'm not getting serious or dark, but thoughtful.

And that's another question.

I am grateful for thoughts.
I am grateful for the time to work thoughts out.
I am grateful for Netflix.
I am grateful for time away from writing.
I am grateful for weekends.

All By Myself…Don't Wanna Be

Writing is such a solitary thing.
I hate doing it alone.
Well, I love doing it alone.  I don't really want a writing partner.
I do love collaboration in the theatre -
I love a rehearsal room and talking over a script with actors and writers.
I love discussing ideas and bouncing ideas off of each other.

But could I sit in a room and bang out a script with another writer?
I could.
But I wouldn't want to.  I have plenty of ideas of my own and I want to hammer them out.
But it's a lonely existence.

And that's why my situation with my friend Tim, who's my office mate,
is great.
We were talking yesterday about setting up the office in a way that feels comfortable.
One of the things we started talking about was pushing our desks together -
like Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David used to do in the Seinfeld days.
I still have to move my books in and get some decorations going that will make it
feel like my own.
And we're talking about a chair
and a electric tea kettle
and some other touches that will make it feel like our creative home.

It's motivating to have an office with a friend.
Even if we don't talk.
Even if we just work out ideas and "talk things out."
Just knowing someone is there working
keeps me motivated.

A couple of years ago, I started working going to coffee shops with my friend Larry.
We had met through the Playwrights Union, our playwrights group,
and discussed how we both could be each other's wingman.
We didn't want to be partnered up.
But if we could help the other one get work done,
and get motivated,
that would be a great relationship.
And we still meet up at the Weho library a couple of times a month.

That continued with my friend Andrea.
And now I've got two other male playwrights I've started
doing the same thing with.
Sometimes it's just to talk about how hard living in LA is as a writer.
Sometimes it's to bounce ideas off of each other.

Just having a community of other people who do what you do and understand
what it feels like to feel like a playwright on a daily basis is important.
I date a musician and there are things I don't understand about that life.
And there are definitely things he doesn't understand about being a playwright.
Like the need for solitude,
the temperament,
that I'm working even when my laptop is open and I'm just staring at it -
so he shouldn't tap me on the shoulder or
ask me what I'm making for dinner.
Stuff like that.

I'm at the library right now,
taking a break from the office,
working alongside my friend Jenn.
We went to NYU together.
We worked for two and a half hours,
then did lunch,
and now we're working for another hour and a half.
It's great just having someone
sitting next to me,
for the company,
to watch my bag while I go to the bathroom
and just to be silent support.
It's like she's saying,
"Keep going.  You're doing well."
All in silence.

Keeps me going when I need the silent push.

I am grateful for my wingmen and wing women.
I am grateful for continued productivity.
I am grateful for unexpected opportunities.
I am grateful to be a working writer with an office.
I am grateful to the Universe for conspiring.

Revisit: Goals Versus Systems

Re-callabrating my brain to think about systems instead of goals has changed my life.

Read this:

http://www.entrepreneur.com/article/230333

Six months ago, a friend of mine sent this link out on Facebook.  I remember I was in Big Bear for my boyfriend's New Year's gig and I read the article.  I didn't think much about it at the time.  It made sense.  I thought the article made excellent points about how goals set you up for failure and disappointment because if you don't hit that particular goal in the way you want to hit it, then the work you've done seems like a failure if it doesn't hit that expectation.  I thought it would be an excellent thing to do, rethinking this idea of setting goals.  It seemed totally antithetical to what I've been conditioned to believe.

I have been an intense goal setter my entire life.
Five year plans.
New Years Resolutions.
Lists.
Intentions.

And I started this year off differently.  I still made my list of goals.  But then I also tried to figure out how that would happen.

So if my goal was to write a script in January, my system would be to write every day.
If my goal was to lose ten pounds, my system would be to run three times a week and go to the gym.

But without those two goals I am still left with:
Writing every day.
Running three times a week and the gym.

I liked the idea that focusing on the systems, on the process of how to make something happen, would open the door to other things.  But the idea of setting up a system seemed so not threatening that I started doing it.

I decided I would write a few times a week with friends.  I set up some time with my friend Larry and some time with my friend Andrea.  Larry got busy with other projects, so I stepped up the days with Andrea.  If there were days I felt that I needed more time, I stayed later.  If there were weeks I felt like I needed more days, I came by myself or upped the days with friends.  We went to the West Hollywood Library because it was convenient for everyone and it had great validated parking.  We would end up catching up on what we were writing and catching up with each other.

Then in February I had a deadline.  Write a play in a month.  That's a definite goal.  But instead of focusing on the play I had to write, I went to the library every day.  Either Weho or Burbank.  Sometimes I went to the Korean Spa.  I decided I needed to find comfortable places to write.  The Korean Spa worked out so well one day, that I stayed for 14 hours and I wrote a ton.

The play was written: 118 pages.  I read it in my writers group.  I knew that I would have a public reading in May.

But now it was March and I liked having that deadline so much that I decided to set up a deadline with Andrea.  We were going to do a pilot writing challenge.  I had no specific deadline, so I decided to create one.  I thought I pilot would be the next good thing to do.  I had some ideas for a comedy script, but I also knew that I would want to have something that would reflect the samples I was sending out.  And my plays were dramatic for the most part.  Kept going to the library.  I had an idea I thought I would write later in the year.  I decided to write it now.  I wrote the story bible in a week.  Then the pilot in a week.  If I had focused on the goal of writing the pilot solely, it would have freaked me out and I never would have gotten it done.  But I actually exceeded my goal of writing a pilot in a month.  I wrote a story bible and a pilot in two weeks.

As I've mentioned before, April became about freelancing and making money.  Although I had no specific goals set for April--my May play deadline was looming and some TV fellowships as well--I kept writing every day.  It was an idea here.  A thought there.  I kept blogging throughout this whole process.

Then an opportunity came up.  Sundance wanted to read pilot scripts to do a TV writers lab.  The deadline was May 15.  I was teaching.  I was freelancing.  I knew that the real writing wouldn't happen until May.  But I did already have a pilot and a story bible, both of which were required.  Okay…preparation.

Then my play reading got scheduled for May 18.  Okay, two deadlines in May.  But I already had a full draft of the script that would needed some rewriting and some cutting.

Then I realized the deadlines for these fellowships were at the end of May.  Now three deadlines.

As April was coming to a close, I knew I had to get my shit together and write three scripts in the month of May.  I didn't panic.  I'm not sure if it was confidence or if it was me spending quiet time every morning and evening just thinking about my day.  I don't know if it was maturity, but I did not freak out.  I accepted that this is the way these scripts were getting written.  I accepted that I had not been procrastinating.  I was grateful for the two scripts I had written by April and the speech in which they were written.  I felt successful.

I had three goals for May:

• Rewrite a pilot and story treatment
• Rewrite a play
• Write a spec

I knew that in order to get everything done I had to get away.  I started to look for places to go off and write.  I ended up going to Monterey for a week.  I just wrote every day.  I decided that I would treat myself well and reward myself often for:

• Waking up
• Going on a cleansing run
• Sitting down to write
• Writing
• Having an idea
• Dedicating myself
• Having an epiphany
• Finishing the First Act
• Coming up with great character stories

And the list goes on…

I didn't just wait until I was done to praise myself or reward myself.  I praised and rewarded myself along the way.  Sometimes four or five times a day (at least).  If I just set a goal, I wouldn't reward myself or feel good until the goal was met.  If I just set a goal, I would be feeling inadequate when I wasn't "writing."  I realized that everything is writing.  The idea is writing.  The making time is writing.  The eating lunch is writing.  Going shopping to clear my head, talking to Mom to clear my head, talking to the boyfriend to clear my head…all of it is writing.  And all of it made me feel like I was accomplishing something…every single minute of every single day.  

Naps are writing!  

That made my week.  So when I came back I had Act One of the play.  And I had most if not all of the pilot rewritten.  I felt accomplished.

I had also reconnected with a great friend.  Felt inspired.  I rewarded myself by driving two hours to SF to do a boot camp.  I felt like I was being productive and that I was feeding my brain and my soul by doing things to take care of myself.  

I came back.  Finished the pilot and the story document.  I finished the play in those three days after the other deadline.  I got both goals done. 

By that time I had 12 days to write the spec and turn it in to make two important deadlines.  That didn't happen.  I made the decision to miss those deadlines and to hit the last deadline on June 13.

I wrote every day.

I committed myself fully to my process.

I kept working.

But at a certain point, I knew that I had not broken the script.  I was fully capable of finishing, but it wouldn't be very good.  And it wasn't even important that it was the most brilliant House of Cards spec that anyone had ever written.  What was important was that I met my personal challenge: to write something political and dark without a lot of humor in it.  I wanted to write in an operatic style and a bit over the top, which House of Cards is.  I had a personal goal to meet that I knew would make me a better writer.  But I knew I wasn't there yet.  So I gave up the two deadlines.

I realize now that if I just based my success on writing three scripts in a month or making all of the deadlines, I would be a failure.  And I had those conversations with myself.  I'm not Pollyanna.  I'm not Mother Theresa.  I have doubts.  Real, immobilizing doubts.

Or I did.

I thought about those things and I reflected on three truths:

• Two scripts in eighteen days.
• I would still finish the spec and would be better for it.
• I was writing every day and focused on writing and dedicated to writing.

So I continued forward.

In the meantime, a friend had gifted me his office space for three weeks.  So I had even more support to get all of this done.  And I used all of that time.  Anytime I thought about quitting or stopping, I realized that I had a bigger purpose: to honor the Universe's generosity and faith in me by presenting me with opportunities to write and supporting those opportunities by rewarding my hard work.  

So I had this office all to myself for three weeks.  I was going to show up every day.  That was a system.  Just show the hell up.  And some of those days were brilliant and so productive.  Some of those days were tough and I napped on the floor for two hours.  That happened on two or three occasions.  But I was in the office.  I wasn't at home in my bed watching TV.  

So I kept going.  And I finished.

I wrote two scripts in eighteen days.

I wrote a spec in a month.

I wrote three scripts in six weeks.

And I got an office out of it.  This office became available and now I'm sharing it with my friend.  

I've actually accomplished more by not setting goals, but being focused on the process than I would have if I just set very finite, specific, no room for anything else goals.

I want a lot of things.

I want money.

I want steady, paid employment as a writer.

I want new representation.

I want a development deal.

I want a home.

I want to travel more.

And the way to get all of those goals is just showing up at my office at 10 AM (or earlier) and not leaving until 6 PM.

And if some days I have a meeting.  Or a play I'm attending.  Or I'm meeting up with my boyfriend…that's fine.  

It's all writing.  The plie is just as important as the jump, as my dance professor in college used to say.  The deeper you bend--the more prepared you are--the higher the jump.  And that bend needs to employ many muscles.  And those muscles need to be strong and articulate.  And how to they become stronger and more flexible and more agile and more precise?

You have to practice every day.

Then--and only then--can you travel leaps and bounds.

And it just started by reading that article and doing something that I seemed capable of doing.

I am grateful for reading the article.

I am grateful for my friend Caitlin who sent me that article.

I am grateful for a gradual change in attitude.

I am grateful for this computer.

I am grateful for this desk.

I am grateful for the quiet in the office now at the end of the day.

I am grateful it's the end of the day.

I am grateful I get to go see a new play tonight with my boyfriend.

I am grateful to feel renewed.

I am grateful that I just read three books this week.

I am grateful for Joss Whedon and his article on how to be prolific.

I am grateful for limeade from Trader Joe's.

I am grateful for walks down Hyperion.

I am grateful for breaks.

I am grateful for plies.  They are journeys.

Success Through Stillness

I didn't make that title up.  I stole it.

I'm reading Russell Simmons' new book Success Through Stillness.  I had watched him on Bethenny Frankel's talk show and was intrigued by the book.  Then I saw him on Super Soul Sunday with Oprah and thought that it was time I looked into it.

I have been trying to meditate probably for the past year or so.  My tarot cards had been telling me that I needed to visualize and that I needed to meditate.  I kept saying that I would meditate just as long as I knew how to.

I even asked my friend Dave for a recommendation on a book and he recommended the Dalai Lama's book How to Practice.  I might have even talked about it on the blog at some point.  I read the book and it didn't really make sense to me.  I then just decided that I would take time in the mornings when I got up and before I went to bed to just sit quietly in bed and think.  That's not quite meditation, but it did help calm me down.

So by the time I saw Russell talk with Oprah, I figured it was time for me to check this book out.  And I love the book because it is exactly what I was looking for.  I wanted to know how to meditate, but I also wanted to know why.  Russell spends the first two-third of the book debunking myths and just explaining the benefits of meditation.  Then he really simply explains how to do it and how to not fall out of it because you think you're doing it wrong.

It also led me back to yoga.  Yoga's a practice that you do when you want to get ready to meditate.  It really helps still the mind because you're focused on an activity.  It is also how I feel when I dance or when I cook.  I am focused on the thing and not on my mind.  I remember my dance teachers used to say to me, "You're over thinking it."  You have to just trust your body and move.

That's a great metaphor for life.  Just move.  Don't think.  Don't over think.

My search for stillness has really helped me take a break from my own judgment or defenses.  I don't get panicky.  And I don't just start defending myself and the reasons I should or shouldn't do something.  It's also nice to have time to do something for myself.  Again, this is me creating a dedicated space for myself.

Russell also talks about mindfulness and mindful eating.  The times I have done cleanses, I really found that I was focused on what I was taking in my body.  And I used it as a metaphor for being mindful about what I was taking in my mind, my soul, and my body.  If I am a mindful person, I am aware of who is coming into my life.  I am taking care of myself.  I feel like I need to do another cleanse again to get more mindful about what I am eating.

I have cut out a lot of processed foods.  And I am usually good about not drinking my calories.  But when I had a lot of writing to do, I ate largely out of comfort and wanting to be good to myself.  I gained ten pounds.  Ten pounds that were hard to lose.  And ten pounds that made me feel good to have lost.  So I'm easing things out.  I have cut out caffeine permanently since my first cleanse three years ago.  Now, I'd like to leave something else behind with this next cleanse.  I don't want to plan to leave something behind because when I cut out caffeine, it was a total surprise.  But sugar, meat and dairy are good candidates.  Not all three.  Just one.

There are things that are not necessary in life.  Distractions.  Things that get in the way.  And doing these cleanses are ways to eliminate the things that are unnecessary.  It's also a metaphor to clear out the ideas and people that are no longer necessary.  It all works together.

Today I meditated when I was feeling tired and unmotivated and plain bored.  Twenty minutes later I felt refreshed and ready to put a few more hours worth of work in, which I did.

Everybody's in their own place in terms of their personal spirituality and what motivates them.  I just know that meditation has been on my radar especially for the last year.  And if something keeps coming up for me, I need to pay attention.

I am grateful for stillness.
I am grateful for education.
I am grateful for learning.
I am grateful for weeknights with my boyfriend.
I am grateful for love.

Second Quarter Report: Even More Productive Than the First

My head is spinning because I have been super busy in the Second Quarter of the Year: April through June.

When I sat down to write what I had done in the First Quarter, I thought that was crazy.  But now I realize that the first three months of the year just greased the runway.

To Recap:

http://creativityinrealtime.blogspot.com/2014/03/first-quarter-report-much-gratitude-and.html

April was a month of work.  I did head to Portland State University to work with the students there and to do a playwriting workshop.  That was an invigorating experience and I got a lot from working with these students who had a great attitude.  I had screenwriters, playwrights and TV writers who I was working with.  It was a beautiful time.

Then my former boss had contacted me about coming to do some consulting.  And I did that, which was lucrative.  But it meant that April was much less about working and more about making money, which I knew would be important for me in getting through the rest of the year financially.  As April went on, it became clear that all of my deadlines would be pushed to May.

The House of Cards spec did not happen in April, as I hoped it would.  So there went the CBS deadline.

Then I found out that Sundance was doing a TV writers lab, which meant another deadline.

I had three deadlines in May.  I knew I had to get out of town to get any real work done.

So I started looking at doing some sort of DIY writers retreat.  My friend Susan had done a cruise in Ensenada and it worked out for her.  But my plans to do that fell through.  So I reached out to friends for suggestions and my friend Molly suggested I join her in Monterey for a week, which I did.  I went into it in great detail on my blog for May.

Then my friend Tim offered his office to me for three weeks.  More opportunities to get work done.  The Universe was definitely pointing me in the right direction.

So in May I rewrote my pilot and turned it in to Sundance.
I had my play reading and did my rewrite in four days.
Then I tackled my House of Cards spec.

On May 18, I thought I was in a good position to get something done by the end of the month.  But I was tired and my brain was fried.  So instead of writing a spec in 12 days, I wrote it in 28 days.  And I had to give up the Warner Bros deadline and the NBC deadline. But I made the ABC deadline.

I had to change my definition of what my goal was.  My goal was to write three brilliant scripts that would make any agent, producer or exec flip their lids.  But I realized something very practical.  Taste is subjective.  So a better, more concrete goal for me was to get three scripts done in quick succession without giving up quality.  I knew that I hadn't been procrastinating.  So it wasn't like I was cramming for the final the night before.  So even though I couldn't do that spec in 12 days, doing it in 28 was still an amazing feat.

And my new goal was to be productive and prolific because if I want to be on staff or if I want to have any sort of productive career, strict deadlines will be a part of that.  So my goal was to be productive, prolific and to keep my deadlines.  Even though I missed the first three deadlines for the spec, I knew that I would only be finishing to finish.  Not for it to be a script that made sense.  I wanted to grow as a writer as well and I knew that I would be a better writer for it if I pushed myself to write a script that felt a little outside my comfort zone.  That would be where the growth would happen in terms of my creative process.  So I committed myself to that.

I finished the spec on June 13th and sent it in, proudly.  Three scripts in six weeks!!!!!

No small feat.  I was very proud of that.

Then my body shut down and I went out of town to recover and relax and spend time with my wonderful boyfriend.

The other great things that happened in the Second Quarter was that I reconnected with two writers I really admire.  These are guys who model the kind of writer I believe myself to be.  And it encouraged me to cultivate those relationships.  So I've been doing a bit of that as well.

And right now, I am refilling the tank.
I am reading books.
I am watching TV.
I am watching documentaries and other movies.
I am having conversations with friends.
And I am meeting with directors and other collaborators.
I am planning my next play.

My Playwrights Union collaborator are also talking about doing a retreat in the Fall and also another challenge to write a new pilot.  More (welcome) deadlines!

I am grateful for an incredibly productive six weeks.
I am grateful for the paychecks that have come in.
I am grateful that my pilot tells a story I want to tell.
I am grateful that my play comes from a deep place.
I am grateful that my spec is dark and takes real chances.
I am grateful to be a better writer today than I was at the beginning of the year.
I am grateful for my new office.
I am grateful to have dedicated time for my work.
I am grateful that dedicated time led to dedicated space.
I am grateful for the actions that follow my intention and put real power behind them.

Now looking at the Third Quarter of the year.  What do I want to get done?

I have an office!!!!!

So if the First Quarter was productive as I ventured into libraries and korean spas…
and the Second Quarter was productive as I did DIY writers retreats…
then what kind of productivity will the Third Quarter bring in my office?

July will start with a reboot and a return to Portland to see my brother and his family. But I would like to continue to treat my time there as another DIY retreat.  Getting my health back in order and losing the weight I gained while I was writing is a priority, however.

I do have another deadline at the end of July to turn in an original pilot into a program through the National Hispanic Media Coalition.  So doing another rewrite of the pilot will be happening in July.

In addition, I will continue to do research on this new play.

August and September are up in the air right now.  It would be nice to take those two months to work on the new play.  And there was talk about doing another workshop of an earlier play this summer.

But work is definitely on the agenda because there are opportunities coming up in the Fall that I've applied for that I would like to be able to afford to do if they come up.

I am setting up my new website.  So that will bring in clients and other work.

I'm looking forward to doing more and having more time with family and loved ones.  The first six months have been productive.  And I would love to finally get a regular meditation schedule going.

Cleansing my body and my mind of the things I don't need…

I am grateful for meditation.
I am grateful for stillness.
I am grateful for music.
I am grateful for health.
I am grateful for more dedicated time and space.
I am grateful for good cheer.
I am grateful for my niece and two nephews.
I am grateful to plan more time with my man.
I am grateful to more of the happiness that I am responsible for allowing into my life.

Coming Back into the Atmosphere

I just spent the weekend in Northern CA (Sonoma, Placerville, Lake Tahoe) with the boyfriend visiting friends and family.  And spending some much needed time together, clothed and naked.

On the ride back from Tahoe yesterday we sat in silence for a while and also just talked.  With what's been busy over the past two months, it has been hard to find time to connect.  I feel like I have been a success in my creative life by writing a lot and being productive.  But when it came to being in a relationship, I have been less successful.

I've been tired.
I've been spent.
I've been moody.
I've been saving all of my good stuff for the work.

That's a sure fire way to end up alone.

My excuse used to be that the work was the most important thing.
But without the reason for working so hard, then what am I left with?

It certainly was reaffirming to know that my man and I can connect still after almost three years on a road trip.  It's also good to know that even though I was having a moment on the rocks in the nude beach in Lake Tahoe because we couldn't find the perfect spot, my boyfriend didn't meet me with the same anxiety I was throwing his way.  He let me be.  Then I closed by eyes, realized what a fool I was being and came back to myself.

The weekend was filled with great meals and booze and having a lovely time.

I woke up this morning without an ounce of anxiety about being back.
I drove back last night without any remorse about returning home.
And without that feeling of having to come home because I had too much time away from my work.
I woke up.  Read a little bit.  And got in the shower.
Then went to yoga class and came to my office.

That's it.  I attribute this to the fact that I've been spending a lot of time in silence lately.  I have also started meditating more regularly.  That seems to help.

So my re-entry was not turbulent at all.

Now I'm at my desk and I know what needs to get done.  And I'm perfectly happy to be in this space now.

Just like I was happy to be in the other spaces then.

Although…now I might be a little hungry.

I am grateful for nude sunbathing.
I am grateful for nude swimming.
I am grateful for the weekend away.
I am grateful for the beautiful face I got to stare at most of the weekend.
I am grateful for my headphones, which I couldn't find for a week or so.
I am grateful for books to read.
I am grateful for ideas to flesh out.
I am grateful for great words.

Why Write?

I finished my last project a week ago.
So I've been watching a lot of things and reading a lot of things.
I have a memoir I just finished.
I am starting to read a non-fiction book about Newtown, CT
and Sandy Hook.
I have a bunch of Woody Allen and Robert Altman movies to watch,
plus a documentary on Woody to rewatch.

And I am starting to read articles to research my next play.
I'm not sure how long that process should take.
Obviously, I have ideas for the opening scene.
As I'm writing things are occurring to me.

I actually have a short writing project that's due next week.
I have to turn in a rough draft of a monologue.
And I'm thinking I might write the monologue to find my way
into the new play.

I've been reading some new plays for a theatre in town.
And I have the same question for every play I read:

Why did the playwright have to write this play?

And most of the time, I can't think of a good reason.
The playwright read an article.
The playwright was interested in a certain historical figure.
The playwright thought they were funny.
The playwright is working through some family shit.
The playwright thinks that plays that have source material are most likely to get produced.

Nowhere in the plays I've read so far have I felt an impulse.
Or any sort of pulse.
There is no heart beating in any of the plays I've read.
I also ask that question of plays that I've seen.
Most of the plays I've seen don't need to exist.
That is harsh.
And who am I to judge?

But if they don't ask good questions.
If they don't grapple with an important feeling, subject, question…
they why bother?
If that play can't pierce me somehow then I don't care.
That's me personally.

Some people like to walk into the theatre and feel smart just by watching something that's smart.
Some people feel it's okay for a writer to show off in front of them.
Some people just want something safe and familiar.
I'm not that audience.

Mostly I like plays that make me feel.
If I can't have that, then I want the playwright to push the form.
Or I want them to tell me something I don't know.

I do like being challenged, but I also like being drawn in.
Don't keep me at arms length distance.

I put myself through the same test when I'm trying to figure out if a play has something I want to say.
How do I know that?
I think of an idea.
Then I sit on that idea for six months to a year while I work on other things.
When I have a break in my schedule, I bring up that idea again.
If it still is intriguing to me,
then I start doing work on it.
Mainly reading articles.
Googling.
Trying to find out as much as I can to see if the
idea holds any weight.
If the research starts generating ideas, then I know I'm in a good place.
If not,
then I usually have another idea I want to explore.
I move on to something else.

Currently, I have an idea I like.
I have taken out book from the library.
I have been doing on line research.
I've talked to friends about it.
The idea seems to be sticking.

I have a great subject for a play.
I have a great idea.
But do I have a great approach?
Do I have something to say?

I think I do here.

This idea is actually only four months old.
I'm taking it on because I think I'll need to do a lot of research.
In the meantime,
there's an idea I've been thinking of for almost a year,
which is a way more fun idea.
The research will be a lot of fun.
It involves watching a lot of movies.
And that play will feel a lot more autobiographical.
It is a period play.
And it's writing about a relationship I have been waiting to
write about for years.
I think I have the right idea.

I have one more idea for a play
that's older as well.
But I can't crack it.
I have done a ton of research.
I have a lot of ideas.
But I don't have a way into the subject.
There's no real story there.
But I think it has a lot of potential.
So I'm going to sit on it.
Maybe for another year or so.
This is an idea that I want to play around with.
I don't know how to write this play yet.

The play I'm closest to right now,
I do know how to write.
It's darker.
But I've been going in that direction
and I might want to stay in this dark place--
the last three things I wrote are darker--
for one more go around.

Because the autobiographical play
is lighter.
I'm excited about what that will be about.
I haven't written something that autobiographical
in a real long time.
Everything I write has an attachment to it.
But this other play would be about me
and my childhood in ways I haven't done for some time.

But this is what I'm talking about.
As a writer, I ask myself Why?

I can't just sit down and write something because I read an article.
Although I did see a news report on the subject I'm getting ready to write about.
It's topical.
It's relevant.
It's a political issue that's out there.
But when I saw this report,
I knew that I had found the story I wanted to tell about this particular subject.

I still have to figure out where I'm setting it.
I have to figure out how much humor is present.
I have to figure out whose story I'm telling.

But I'm not worrying about that now.
I just want to read some more.
And see what presents itself to me.

This is the fun part.

I am grateful for so many ideas.
I am grateful for books.
I am grateful for research.
I am grateful for time.
I am grateful for three plays I want to write.
I am grateful to take a break from writing a TV pilot.
I am grateful to do something I feel like I can do.
I am grateful for the challenge.
I am grateful to be at the beginning of this journey.

Loves Me…Loves Me Not...

The life of a writer is so topsy turvy.
I'm sure you could say that for actors,
musicians,
visual artists…
basically anyone with an artistic temperament.

One day you're freaking out because the words aren't coming--
you've got writer's block.
Nothing sounds good.

And the next day, you're chock full of ideas.

Then you finish something.
And you're exhausted.
All you tell people you're going to do--
while you're sipping your fifth whiskey soda--
is that your'e going to take a break!!!
Your brain is tired.
You're tired.
Your body is sore.
You can't stand to write one more word,
or say one more word,
or think one more word.

FUCK WORDS!

Then the next day you're sitting at your office,
watching some videos,
reading some articles,
and you know you're ready to go at it again.

What?

Are you crazy?

Are you in an abusive relationship?

Yes, yes…and you know that I'm talking about me here, right?

I can't be ready to go again yet!  I haven't lost the ten pounds I gained over the last six weeks
that I excused myself for gaining because I was writing.
And when I write, I indulge.
I allow.
I live by the words: "Treat Yo' Self!"

I can't possibly ready to go again
because I'm still sore from the last time.
(I swear I'm talking about writing)

Yes,
I have been thinking about this play I want to write.
I've been talking to people about it.
I've been writing it for the past month or so,
truth be told.
Not in actual writing,
but in processing and talking through the idea.
It's a great idea.
But Jesus Christ!  Am I ready to go down the rabbit hole again?

Writing is like the mafia.
I want to get out,
but it keeps pulling me back in!

I flashback (such a writer)
to what my boyfriend said to me recently.
That he didn't see my passion for writing.
That it seemed like all I did was complain about it.

I can't speak for all writers.
But I do have a love/hate relationship with writing.
And it's not even "hate."
It's a love/fear relationship.
I love to write.
I love that form of expression.
I love when a new idea comes.
But soon after that exhilaration,
comes the doubt and the fear.
Can I do it?
Is it too big of an idea?
Am I smart enough to pull this off?
And I mask the fear by talking about
how hard it is,
how I've been writing all day.
Mostly, I've been doing everything except actual tapping keys on the keyboard.

But there are those days
where I fly and soar.
And I'm in love again.
It's like I was never scared.
Then it flips again
and it was like I was never good at it.

But I can't help that I'm a writer.
That's my blessing and my curse.
I'm a freakin' writer and I'm freakin' good at it.
It's the lens through which I see the word.

I'm not a writer because I'm trying to make a living at it.
Yes, I'm trying to make a living.
But I'm a writer because I know no other way
to answer life's questions,
explore what I'm confused by,
work my brain out…
I know no other way to do those things other than to write.
It's like I take a sliver off of a big wheel of cheese.
That is writing to me.

But today I was thrilled and romanced by the writing.
It was a chance meeting.
Soon we'll be on our first date
and then we'll find how compatible we are
and we'll be in a relationship.
Laughing a lot.
Impressed with each other.
Showing off our best stuff.
On our toes.
Then we'll get comfortable,
start wearing pajamas around each other all day,
farting, burping, eating out of cartons.
I won't be afraid to be in a bad mood in front
of the writing.
This is the real me, I'll say.
The honeymoon will be over.
I'll question why I even liked writing in the first place.
I'll question whether or not this is the right relationship for me.
I'll question it a lot.
I'll question it all of the time.
It will be torture.
Then something great will happen.
It'll surprise me again
and there I am, back in love with writing.
We'll go through our ups and downs.
We'll show each other our best and our worst.
We'll sweat a lot.
Then at the end of it…
there will be something beautiful, pure and fresh to look at.

Then I'll start picking it apart,
hating it,
judging it,
doubting why I ever wanted to have it in the first place.

And so it goes.
Writing…
I wish I knew how to quit you.

But not really.

I am grateful for my relationship to writing.
I am grateful for the opportunity I have to write whenever I want to.
I am grateful for Netflix and HBO Go (I say that a lot).
I am grateful for food.
I am grateful I didn't burn the house down.
I am grateful that the ideas keep coming.

Girl Group

I'm a playwright.

That means I'm a pretty artsy guy, I guess.

I like to have conversations about art and theatre

and dance and poetry and politics and a bunch of 

other smart stuff.

I also like it when I get to talk to other playwrights 

about any and all of the above.

Last night, I went to a party celebrating the release of a list of 46

plays written by women that are available for production.  They have 

either had one production or no productions.  This is in reaction to a ridiculous,

antiquated and frankly behind the times idea that it's hard to find plays

by women to produce.

So a group of 13 women called The Kilroys have gotten together

along with 127 theatre professionals

to curate a list of 46 plays written by women

pared down from

over 300 that were submitted for the vote.

And it has started a revolution, 

a cultural conversation, 

one that isn't just about complaining

or being sad or defeated or lost or pissed off,

although maybe this revolution started with that

impulse.  But these women went and did something about it.

And they put the theatre world on blast,

which I think is a terrific thing.

I'm hoping that this List will inspire other lists

for other populations of people who are

left out of the mix.

It was inspiring to know that just one simple action,

expanded through plenty of phone calls, emails

and elbow grease,

talked about on Twitter

and spread across the media landscape 

could spark a revolution.

And that's what it is.  A revolution.

It sparked a change in thought

and a non-acceptance of the way things are.

A rejection of a certain status quo.

I love that in any and all forms.

And although I am not a woman,

the fact that these women spoke up

affects me as a gay, Chinese, Mexican person.

It means that we're not going to stand for 

things being the way they are.

Yes, there are other conversations that need to happen

like how do we make room for these plays

in spaces and among communities that don't normally

find theatre.

As in all other media,

there's a conversation to be had about distribution.

But for now,

it's plenty enough

for us just to start a conversation

and piss some men off

and piss some women off

and realize that when you make a big noise

people will move away from the big noise

or cover their ears

or try to SHUSH you really loudly.

That's just the cost of speaking up.

And it's such a small cost to pay.

One of my favorite parts of the evening

was that it brought together a lot of women

but also a lot of men who support women

to support this cause.

And I got to talk with old friends

about things that were important to all of us.

And I got to have conversations with new friends

and forge connections based on common beliefs.

I love when I get to do that too.

Mostly, it made me feel like a part of a real community,

a real relevant and caring community.

It was beautiful.

And now back to the business of writing plays 

in ways that I want to write plays.

I am grateful for a new office sharing partnership.

I am grateful to be motivated.

I am grateful to be supported.

I am grateful to be alive.

I am grateful to be a playwright.

I am grateful to be a writer who writes every day.

I am grateful for success.

I am grateful for motivation.

I am grateful for a desk to call my own.

Living the Dream…?

On my way back from yoga, meditation and lunch this afternoon, I got a phone call from my boyfriend.  I was recounting my day so far, which included a productive coffee with a very good friend of mine who also works in the biz.  Great conversations always inspire and motivate me.

After I told him that I went to yoga and that he had missed me earlier because I was meditating right afterwards, he said:

"Wow.  You're living the dream."

Okay.

I'm going to hit the pause button here, like they told me to do when I was studying Kabbalah eight years ago.  I hit the pause button instead of flying off the handle.  I could have called him on being passive aggressive.  I could have lashed out.  But instead I said:

Yeah.  I am living the dream.

That could also be considered a bit passive aggressive.  But if he wants to consider

spending my days writing

or reading

or taking a yoga class to clear my mind for

meditation 

living the dream…

then absolutely.  I am living the dream.

But this dream is my reality.

So really I am living my reality,

which really is what I wanted to say to him

as bitchy as possible.

But I PAUSED.

Then I thought about what he said.

Actually, I thought about what he meant.

For a moment.

Then I realized that is none of my business.

I don't think he meant it in 100% a supportive way.

Although I know he's supportive.

He probably reflected on what that meant for him.

But this is what I would say:

Living any life that you want to live is a choice.

Being happy is a choice.

Dictating the direction of your life is a choice.

It's a choice

I wasn't making for many, many years.

I was living someone else's choice.

Funny thing:

I got a series of serious emails from my former boss' wife

to his current assistants,

his part time office assistant,

and the office organizer he's hired 

to get all of the shit together.

I was cc'd on these emails because I had come in to freelance

and train his assistants two months ago.

And they said they didn't need me to come back this month,

but I still got cc'd on about ten emails

back and forth

in the course of 10 minutes.

I think the Universe was trying to remind me 

of the life I used to live,

not having the choice 

and not "living the dream."

If I'm abiding by anyone's mantra or motto or catchphrase

it's Matthew McConnaughey's:

"Just Keep Livin'"

Because that's what I'm trying to do.

I'm trying to be happy as much as possible

as many times during the day

because we only get so much time.

I've talked on here recently about not wanting to get wrapped up in 

certain negativity I see around me

exhibited by certain friends.

I can only live the life that I choose to live.

Everyone else has to make their choices.

I respect that and I embrace the right to choose.

For me,

I'm going to spend as much time as I can writing and being productive.

It's so rewarding.

I feel like I'm winning all of the time

instead of feeling like I'm losing because I'm trying to compare myself 

to what other people are doing.

And if that rubs people the wrong way,

that is none of my business.

Even when that person is my boyfriend.

I'm not sure what he meant by saying that I'm living the dream.

But I am.

I am living the life I want to live

so that living the life I want to live

becomes a habit

and transforms

and gets added on to with notice and money and opportunity.

But I am not working towards that.

I am not shaping my life so that I can achieve a certain goal.

But I am implementing systems

so that I am writing all day.

And like I've said,

everything is writing.

Reading,

watching TV,

talking to friends,

socializing,

engaging.

The goal is to live the life that makes me the most happy,

the most full, 

the most engaged and turned on.

Writing in the way that I'm writing now

is what makes me the most happy.

The other stuff will follow.

I can't spend my life worrying about what I don't have

compared to someone else.

That's not living the dream.

That's living someone else's dream.

That's living vicariously through someone else.

And being constantly disappointed

because I'm not measuring up.

And that's not good.

I am grateful for yoga.

I am grateful for clarity.

I am grateful for Tuesdays.

I am grateful for women playwrights, many of whom I'll see later.

I am grateful for solitude.

I am grateful for quiet.

I am grateful for conversations that inspire and excite me.

I am grateful for books that make me want to write more.

I am grateful for breath.

I am grateful for my health and energy.

I am grateful to shift focus.

I am grateful for the variety in my life.

I am grateful that I am living the life I want to be living.

In Recovery

This is what happens when you're productive,

when you've been go-go-going for six weeks straight

and you stop:

Your body shuts down.

To be fair, my body hasn't completely shut down,

but I'm tired.

I have a scratch at the back of my throat.

I took a hard nap this afternoon.

I'm drinking cinnamon tea.

I just finished a 20 minute meditation.

I'm bringing the energy level down.

I'm in recovery.

Today's activities:

Went to the office.

Paid my car insurance.

Read two plays.

Sent in an invoice to get paid.

Set up a meeting for tomorrow.

Sent in my resume for two applications for teaching jobs.

Finished reading the Larry McMurtry memoir Hollywood.

It was interesting.

I like that it very much feels like blog posts.

I'm not doing any heavy lifting this week.

I'm settling up my debts,

meaning the debts accrued while I was writing for six weeks,

which means that I pushed myself hard

and now it's pay back time.  

I need to take it easy.

Tomorrow I'm seeing a friend for coffee.

Then I'm going to yoga.

Then maybe a light run.

And hopefully some work on my website.

But what I really need to do is get my diet together.

I gained ten pounds during this writing session.

So I need to go back and get the lentils and kale back in my diet.

I need to drink some protein shakes.

I need to enjoy my brown rice and my greens.

Some lean protein.

Less red meat.

Lots of water.

Lots of running.

I should be okay in a few weeks.

I also need to bring my lifestyle down a bit.

I allow myself indulgences when I'm writing.

Now my indulgences will be doing a lot of reading.

I'm taking Joss Whedon's advice and I'm filling the tank.

I'm giving myself a two week recovery period

before I get my office back.

Truth be told, 

I'll be in Portland for the first week of July,

so I will be feeding the tank in other ways as well.

Need to replenish.

This is just as important as the writing phase.

I need to take in information and feed myself that way.

Something I just realized:

When I'm taking in lots of creative calories

(i.e. filling the tank, watching a lot of Netflix, going to movies,

reading, plays, etc),

I'm not taking in a lot of food calories.

And the reverse is true.

When I'm burning off those calories by writing,

I'm eating more.

That works.

I am grateful to be done!

I am grateful for this "down time."

I am grateful for Netflix and HBO Go.

I am grateful for the time to replenish.

Freedom

I finished!

Turned in my submission package to the ABC/Disney Writers Workshop around 3:30 today.  On the day it was due, but not at the last possible minute.  So that's a good thing.

I remember in year's past I turned it in right at the last moment at the post office that was open the longest.  My post office in Burbank is open until 6:30 PM on the weekdays.

Over the past five months, but especially over the past six weeks, I have really avoided watching anything or reading anything that was going to interfere with my writing process.

I rewrote a pilot and submitted it to Sundance.
I rewrote a play and had a reading of it.
I wrote a new spec and turned it into the ABC workshop.
In six weeks total!!!!

I just had to type those sentences and remember that.  I remember being so hard on myself because I didn't finish the spec in 12 days.  I needed those extra two weeks.  So I wrote a whole spec in a month! Big whoop!  And for the first time, probably ever, it wasn't because of procrastination.

I was working on ideas in January.
I wrote a full length play with 9 sermons in it and at 118 pages long in February.
In March, I wrote the pilot and story bible.
In April I worked so I could have money so I could have time to write.  And truthfully, I was probably recovering from February and March.
In May I rewrote those two scripts and started a new one.
In the first half of June, I finished that new one.

I was not being lazy.
But it's funny that even when I'm not being lazy, I think I'm being lazy.
It's a vicious cycle.

And now it's my job to fill my tank.
That's a good job to have.  I'm going to watch Orange is the New Black's new season.
I have about 48 movies or TV shows on my Netflix queue that I haven't watched yet.
I have a couple of Woody Allen movies and documentaries to rewatch for a play I might be starting soon.
I also have a ton of research to do for another play I want to be writing soon.
I probably will be tweaking my pilot and coming up with some pilot ideas in preparation for another opportunity that will come along.
It would be great to get the pilot tweaking and planning together during the rest of June, so I can start working on researching the new plays in July when I move into my new writing office, which I still have to figure out how to afford on a regular basis.
That's why I need to get back to work.

But right now I have freedom.
I just finished three scripts in six weeks.  That's impossibly crazy and awesome.
I'm celebrating by looking at my Netflix queue and taking it on.
I already got a body scrub at the spa.  I wanted to take off all the dead skin - the stress, the anxiety, the worry and the hard work - of the past six weeks.  Of the past first half of this year, really.

That feels great.  I'm happy.  And exhausted.  I didn't sleep much last night.

I am grateful to be done.
I am grateful for having reached my goal.
I am grateful that I proved to myself what I can do.
I am grateful that certain wonderful things happen when I apply myself.
I am grateful for a change in perspective that just happened by doing.
I am grateful to be living that change.

Hard Work Doesn't Have to be Torture

I wrote something on my Facebook page yesterday about writing always being hard.

A friend of mine wrote back:

If it's not, you're not doing it right.

Well…

I've adopted a practice where I'm trying to be better to myself.  So the actual work of it all, I think will always be a lot of work.  But I think where I get myself into trouble (or have in the past) is that I torture myself.  I am hard on myself or I get down on myself because I think that will make the writing better.

It doesn't.

And my complaint was really about everything surrounding the writing: the fear, the anxiety, the anticipation, the pressure.  Some would say the writing and the drama around the writing go hand in hand.  I don't think so necessarily.

That is something I am trying to get better about.

I'm trying to be more patient with myself.  I'm giving myself freedom and license to just breathe.  I remind myself that the work will get done and I'm capable of getting it done.  I'm constantly trying to say nice things to myself to encourage myself.  That's a way to make it easier.

Everyone has their process.  I'm just trying to find a way so that I don't have myself or put myself down every time I sit down to write.

That should get easier with time.

I am grateful for friendly reminders.
I am grateful for sleep.
I am grateful for trying new things.
I am grateful for quiet.
I am grateful for time.
I am grateful for new found patience with myself.

Why Is It So Hard to Finish?

It never gets easy.
I can be in an office.
I can go for a walk.
I can do research.
I can watch inspiring You Tube videos.
Or the Hollywood Reporter Roundtables
of Tony Actors,
Emmy Comedy Actresses,
Emmy Comedy Showrunners,
Emmy Comedy Actors,
Emmy Dramatic Actors,
Tony Actresses,
Emmy Dramatic Actresses.
I can go to the Wi Spa and try to open my brain up.
I can have a good cry on the phone with the boyfriend.
But still…

I have to get the work done.
The work has to get done.
I try not to pressure myself.
But the work has to get done.
This has to get done.
Two out of three ain't good enough.

Remember…
This is not about the end product.
This is about pushing through,
it's about productivity,
it's about stretching yourself,
it's about not thinking you're going to finish then finishing.
It's about accomplishment.
It's about hard work.

I can think all of those things,
but it's still difficult.

I got this far.
I have a finished script.
I just have to add more pages.
And then I have to proofread and edit tomorrow.
Nothing is getting in my way other than myself.
I have no excuses why I shouldn't get this done.

Yet…
Here I am.
Trying not to freak out but freaking out.
Writing something hoping it will jog my productivity button.
I'm hoping it will inspire me.
I'm hoping the act of hitting the keys will just parlay into me hitting the keys with story.

I'm trying not to think of how many pages I should write.

Eight.  Or Eleven.

That freaks me out.

But no matter how many times I've done this,
how often I've been down this road,
how experienced
and accomplished I am,
it is still as hard,
if not more so.

It will always be like this, won't it?

I am grateful for the ability to laugh at myself.
I am grateful for the ability to see everything as writing.
I am grateful for the idea I had to write this script in the first place.
I am grateful that the idea became an outline.
I am grateful that the outline begat notecards.
I am grateful that the notecards triggered more ideas.
I am grateful that one of those ideas was for a great political story.
I am grateful that the political story continues to be in the media and relevant.
I am grateful that the relevance is the Universe pushing me to finish.
I am grateful that the Universe seems to be on my side.
I am grateful that I am still hopeful.
I am grateful that I have air in my lungs.
I am grateful that my hope sustains me.
I am grateful in advance for finishing.

Shutting Out the World

Sometimes I need to forget what's going on outside these four walls and my closed door.
This office protects me.
It keeps me in my private little shell in this world which I've created.
Writers play God.
We write about the things that we care about,
we craft a world to our own liking,
we rewrite endings, beginnings, middles.
And when a conversation doesn't go the way I want it to go
because I didn't write it
and control it,
it's disappointing.
Partially, because real life has its own rules and we can't write or rewrite the scene to our liking.
But also because I'm disappointed in myself
for not having the words,
for not saying the things that are comforting
and make people feel loved and supported.

I had this conversation with my boyfriend last night
on our 35th month anniversary
(yes, it's ridiculously cute that we do that and I love that we do that - his idea)
that went terribly awry.
In that moment, I did not feel like the hero of my own story.
In that moment, I felt like an incredible failure
and I left this morning feeling like a failure.
But guess what?
I still have to come to work.
I still have to be present to my work.

When I was with my ex, we would have fights
and they would dismantle me.
I wouldn't be all right for days.
And it would wreck any productivity I would have.
Maybe I've trained myself,
maybe I've gotten tougher,
maybe I'm more calloused than I used to be.
But that doesn't stop me any more.
It can't.
I have to come to work and do the work.
This script has to be what I envisioned
because my life is not what I envisioned,
that conversation is not what I envisioned.
So to make up for it--
I tell myself--
this thing that I do control has to go as planned.
Otherwise
my world fails to make sense.
What's it all worth?

I have to succeed somewhere.

I don't like fighting with him.
But I do feel like every time we have a disagreement,
a miscommunication or a misunderstanding,
I understand something deeper about myself
because I realize the effect I am having on him.
It does not feel comfortable.
And it's not exactly a silver lining
because a fight is a fight
and they're awful.
But I do realize that my words have impact.
I don't bruise as easily.
And that's not something I wear as a badge of honor.
I don't think I'm tougher or better because of that.
I actually think it makes me closed off in a way.
But that's my experience.
My experience has made callouses grow on
my hands and feet
and on my heart
to protect those areas of myself.
And to help me get through the day.
Like the dancers I love watching,
who have bruises
and callouses on the soles of their feet
that allow them to dance beautifully
without pain.

I feel misunderstood sometimes.
We talked about that last night.
It's a hard place to be.
That's why I write.
I want to communicate.
I want to make clear my intentions
and my feelings.
Because for decades of my life,
I felt completely misheard.
It's awful.

I am grateful for uncomfortable conversations.
I am grateful for the ability to push through.
I am grateful to be with someone so open-hearted.
I am grateful for time to heal.
I am grateful for the doors and the walls.
I am grateful for the refuge.
I am grateful to be able to continue and keep going.

Half-Baked

I finished the script!

I finished the script!

I finished the script!

I finished the script!

I finished the script!

I finished the script!

Well…

In reality, I got to the end of the script!

I got to the end of the script!

Doesn't have the same ring to it, does it?

I got to the end of the script.

There's still work to do.

But I took everything in my outline,

minus two scenes,

and got to the end.

I got to the last scene in my outline.

So that's exciting!

Right?

Sure it is!

I have some research to do tomorrow.

And I need to tighten up the script.

All of the screw tightening has to happen tomorrow.

So that on Friday, 

I can proofread one more time,

print it out,

put it on a disk, 

and send it on its way!

So tomorrow is still a lot of work,

but I don't have to write pages from scratch!

I just need to add things to it.

There's one story line that needs more work.

So right now I'm at 47 full pages

and I should be between 55-58.

That's another 8-11 pages.

Can I do that?

Will that make sense?

Will it work?

I don't know!

But it's a great challenge.

And I'm up to it.

I have said all along that my work on this script does not have to do with

getting into the

NBC Writers on the Verge

Warner Bros Program

ABC/Disney Writers Workshop

NHMC Writers Group for ABC

NHMC Writers Group for NBC

(BTW, I missed those two earlier deadlines because the script wasn't ready)

My work on this script has to do with learning to write differently.

I have a lot of comedy in my scripts.

And I love that.

But I don't have anything that shows a darker side.

And I wanted to write a House of Cards spec in order to work on that muscle.

And it's easier to work on a muscle that you haven't worked on before when you have a spot.

My spot is House of Cards.

It's a show that is on the air,

with characters I know,

and a tone I know and don't need to invent.

I have been inventing characters and worlds and stories

over the past two years with the 

five pilots I have written.

The last spec I wrote was for Glee

when I applied to these programs the last time

when my Dad was near the end.

I have to remember that writing--

hold on, I just said I wrote five pilots in two years--

WTF!

Writing those five pilots taught me a lot.

They taught me discipline and story and character

and fast writing

and a lot of rewriting.

In those two years, I also wrote the fuck out of two plays

and I fully rewrote another play.

So EIGHT scripts in two years.

Are you kidding me?

Who does that?

Who does that when his father is dying?

Who only takes six weeks off of writing after his father dies?

Probably really only four weeks.

But it got me through.  What I was reminded during that time is that writing gets me through.

I reconnected with the reason I write.

And guess what?

It's a higher purpose than money.

It's a higher purpose than status.

It's a higher purpose than fame.

It's a higher purpose than importance.

It's so much more than the things I used to be concerned with

like ambition, power, influence, importance.

And it took me some time to figure out a big secret:

I don't have to give any of that up

just because those things are not at the top of my priority list.

With hard work, 

prolific writing,

joy,

excitement, 

wonder,

productivity,

and encouragement

come all of those things.

And if none of those things happen

Guess what?

I'm still happy.

I'm still a hard worker who's prolific and joyous and excited and productive and full of wonder and wonderful and encouraged.

I don't lose any of that.

But when I was just pursuing the other stuff

and when I wasn't getting the other stuff

I wasn't happy.

I wasn't any of those other things.

Maybe I was, 

but because I was pursuing the external gratification

and validation,

I couldn't enjoy the byproducts of my effort.

But once those efforts became my main product--

and I will always have those efforts and fruits of my labor--

the validation is just a byproduct.

And because it's a byproduct and not the main product,

it's not essential.

But wait!  There's more!

Because with this new insight

comes knowledge,

compassion,

patience,

love,

respect…

And not just for others, but for

MYSELF!

That's so much more than power, fame and the rest of it.

Going through what I've been through since the almost two years

since my Dad died

reminded me of why I'm a writer.

Writing calms me down.

It helps me see things.

It helps me see others and their perspective.

It makes me less ego driven and selfish.

And all of this is essential to the person I want to be.

Not just the producer or

power player or

important guy.

But the human being.

I move through the world differently now more than ever.

A lot of that I put into my teaching.

And a lot of that teaching put into me.

I took the time to grieve.

I took the time to work through my grief.

And look what that time has brought.

Eight scripts in two years.

Remarkable.

And growth.

Remarkable.

And happiness and satisfaction

and the ability to see that the other stuff doesn't matter.

I have grown up and grown out.

Maybe that's why I'm seeing that certain friendships 

have outlasted their current state of being.

Not that those friends are out of my life.

But I no longer am connecting on the level

of negativity and putting myself down to lift myself up.

It has taken me a long time to get here.

And yet, I've only just begun

(to live).

I'm ready to use what I've learned.

I'm ready to take this evolved person

out into the world,

take the words into the world,

take this knowledge and growth into the world

and see what it does.

I am grateful for this whole blog post, whose wisdom kept falling out and I kept trying to catch it.

I am grateful for the time to cook and reflect.

I am grateful for the meal I just prepared while I was writing this blog post.

I am grateful for two years and eleven months with a wonderful man who has a lot to do with these lessons I've learned.

I am grateful for the fertile soil that is my relationship.

I am grateful for family.

I am grateful for my niece and nephews.

I am grateful for the time I have been able to spent.

I am grateful for the time I am about to have with my boyfriend now that my schedule eases up.

I am grateful to just start again from the idea stage.

I am so excited to do that and grateful for the opportunity.

I am grateful for friendships that nourish.

I am grateful for wisdom and courage.

I am grateful for smiles.

I am grateful for laughter.

I am grateful for walks.

I am grateful for my loteria bag which keeps getting noticed.

I am grateful for the boys in my life who inspire me.

Progress…a little at a time

It's almost 1 PM on Wednesday.
I am facing down 14 scenes.
That is intimidating and scary, even though I know what the scenes are supposed to be.
I have to commit myself to those scenes.
How do I do that?

I wrote 11 pages since yesterday.
That is a huge achievement.
I am very proud of that achievement.

I have some to go.  Probably a bit more than 14 pages, even though there are 14 scenes.
But I have more to go…

And then it's on to the next project,
because there's more that I'm excited about.
It's not hard to get excited and easy to get lost in the anticipation
of the next thing.

And it's easy to get upset
when it's time to get things done.
It's easy to get down on myself
and wonder why I'm not working
harder,
faster,
longer,
better.

I was talking to my friend David yesterday about the language of managers (and reps in general).
The catchphrases that they use.  They need to be retired:

Hit it out of the park!
It just needs to be home run.

I'm sure there are others and those two happen to be baseball metaphors,
but this idea that it has to be amazing every time.
I wonder if they're investing in a writer or in a script.
I think I know the answer to that.
They would rather you be a disembodied automaton, a machine of writing,
that just spits out perfect ideas and scripts that are sellable and exactly what that particular
representative wants or would write if he or she were actually a writer.
Probably more he than she.
I don't know if women say that.

I wouldn't mind if they lowered their expectations.
Not that they should be negative or sour.
Maybe tempered them
and just read what they get with an open mind.
I'm also not a big fan of you telling me what I should write,
unless we have a long and extensive conversation
(that I'm steering) about what might be missing from my portfolio
or what I can write that I haven't been given the chance to yet.
I don't mind a conversation about reinvention.
But that reinvention needs to be about me
and not about being some other writer.
It should be about a different shade or side of myself
and not a completely different writer.
And it should never be dictated by some external need.

This is what I think my job is as a writer:

• To write a lot.
• To be productive.
• To be prolific.
• To get better every time - with an accelerated output, that progress is easier to see.

The underlying thought beneath those four points is that I should shut any potential critics the hell up because I'm writing so much.  I need to be impressive.  And I can do that through an unbelievably high creative output.  It shouldn't just be shit.  The goal should never to be "amazing" or to "hit it out of the park", but the chances for it being both of those things (which are totally by luck) increases because the more I do something the better I become and if I work fast then I will get to something really good faster.  It may be four scripts from now, but if I'm writing those four scripts in a year, then you're not waiting that long.  

It only takes one.

That adage is true, but it may take four or five to get to that one.  And it's better to only wait a few months or a year versus waiting two years or four or five years.

I think my theory still stands:

You should be fast and great.

You can be fast and mediocre.

And you obviously can't be slow and mediocre.

But you can't even be slow and great

It's just a theory and you can take that with a grain of salt.

But I wrote three scripts this year so far.  This last one I am finishing.

I wrote and rewrote two scripts in five months.

And I'm getting this latest one out now.

So what will I do in Q3 2014?

I will spend the rest of this quarter refining both scripts.

But especially the TV pilot.

I will come up with five new pilot ideas.

Sketches.

Brief.

And I will sit on them.

I will let them marinate.

I will let my subconscious do the work.

And when I'm asked for them,

I will flesh them out.

And I will present the ideas I feel are the strongest.

Then I have two plays I want to work on.

I already have a play I will submit to the developmental workshops

in the Fall.

Maybe one of these other ideas will get to a place where I can 

start submitting them or working on them on my own.

I certainly have one idea that feels relevant and political.

That might be a good one to lead with.

And I love the idea.

There is a structure built in it.

And it does lend itself to a unit set.

I could also use the theatre in general a lot.

It lends itself to that.

It lends itself to site specific as well.

And now that I think about it,

it's got a horror movie quality about it.

Okay.

I need to stop myself right there

because I'm not done with this script

and it's tempting to do the fun part:

the beginning.  The idea.  The concept.

I'll maybe take a break and write some of this down because I'm feeling inspired.

But there are ideas swimming around in my head.

Another play where the research is going to be 

so much fun to do.

And it's a comedy, 

which I haven't written in such a straight forward way in a long time.

It might be time to something straight up funny.

I have been getting dark and the other idea is dark.

But maybe it'll be good to stay in that space before I jump out.

In the meantime, I am working on this project.

And I am making progress.

I am grateful for ideas that excite me.

I am grateful to stretch my muscles.

I am grateful to reset my goals.

I am grateful that I am having fun.

I am grateful that I am acting in a free space.

I am grateful that I am living the life I want to be living.

I am grateful that life is on my terms.

I am grateful that a comedic play is coming out of me soon.

I am grateful that this dark, political play is coming out of me soon.

I am grateful that I am finding a place for myself creatively.

I am grateful that I know that it only has to exist in me and that it can go from the inside out.

I am grateful that I am working in my own shade, in a vehicle of my own design.

I am grateful that things are making sense today.

Gearing Up

I'm having cinnamon tea and a half of a chocolate bar for breakfast.
But I'm allowed because I'm writing.
That's as good an excuse as I can come up with.

I have pages to write today.
Ideally, I would like to write the rest of this spec today
and rewrite tomorrow
and review on Friday.
That is my goal.
How I will put that goal into action is by
writing and writing and writing and writing.
Not thinking about the goal.
And let's see where I get to.

I'm going to try and write past my fear.
I'm going to write toward my goal.
I'm going to just write and forget about all of the other stuff
that wanders about my head.
And that can mean plenty of breaks.

I'm trying on the Galloway method* of marathon writing.
It's a write/break method.

* The Galloway method of marathon training is a run/walk ratio.  It makes sure that you don't tire yourself out and that you can keep going, since you know there's a break coming regularly.  It usually means that marathoners can improve their personal time since they're not running themselves into complete exhaustion.  It's worth a shot.

I am grateful for breaks.
I am grateful for writing.
I am grateful for having an office to work out of.
I am grateful for people in my life who are supportive.
I am grateful for the time to do what I need to do.

Turning Points

I have a monologue I've been commissioned to write about "turning points." I don't know exactly what I'm going to write about yet.

There have been a lot of turning points in my life.
I could write about realizing that I was gay.
I could write about going to visit my high school for the first time.
I could write about the crush I had on a guy in high school.
I could write about going to see Sandra Bernhard's "Without You I'm Nothing."
I could write about Madonna.

I think I need to write about something that's personal.

The theatre said that the monologues should be geared towards someone in their late teens through early 20s.

So do I write about a college turning point?
The moment I discovered I was a playwright?
Again, this all  seems to suggest some sort of coming out story.

I have to do some more thinking about that.
A turning point.
The moment I realized I wasn't going to have the life I thought I was going to have.

There are so many candidates for that moment.

I'm excited to get started on it as soon as I finish this spec script.

I did some work on it today.  I had a friend of mine in the office I've been working out of.  He came to visit.  It was a good thing.  We chatted about writing.  We hopefully inspired each other.

Conversation.  That's important when you're writing.  You need to be able to bounce ideas.

I am grateful for bouncing ideas.
I am grateful for ideas.
I am grateful for my own turning points.
I am grateful for inspiring friends.
I am grateful for not getting in my way.
I am grateful for all of the work I have been doing over the past six weeks.

Better

Today is better.
More productive.
Conversations about writing.  Writing.  Brainstorming.
It's hard to remember that every day is different and it won't feel like you're
winning every day.
I feel like I should be.  Because I have been given such great opportunities.
Because I am smart.
Because I went to NYU.
For some reason it feels ungrateful for me to be struggling so much with writing.
Like I'm some sort of machine.
But I'm not.
I'm human.
I struggle.
I have a hard time.

I was having a conversation with a friend today
and we were talking about the pilot he's writing and the struggle he's having
with figuring out what story he should tell.
He was uncertain,
insecure,
questioning.
And it made me feel less lonely.
Not that I'm happy for someone else to struggle.
But this guy is smart as hell
and he's someone I respect and he's struggling.
Like all of us do.
I guess I needed that sort of affirmation.
That knowledge that no matter what your pedigree
or background,
even if you've gone to an Ivy League school,
we all struggle.

It motivated me to keep working.
Because we're all in it together.

I am grateful for friends who are writers.
I am grateful for friends who are generous.
I am grateful for friends who are open and loving.
I am grateful for friends who are just themselves.