Chasing the Dragon

When you have an addiction, you are looking for that high constantly and everywhere.

I believe it's referred to as "chasing the dragon," the act of chasing that elusive high--

that one thing that will make you feel better about yourself and make all of your 

problems go away.  

The thing or experience or validation that will fill the void you have inside yourself.

I know a thing or two about that.

I'm not addicted to any substance, but I am addicted to that validation.

I have been hooked for a very long time and it rears its head in the most likely and unlikely places.

I am in the process of finishing a script for an application to a few studio-funded fellowship programs.

In the past, when I have applied I was rushing to get the script done.

I might not have been finishing it up to the last second, but the intention behind finishing 

was one of desperation and hurry.

If I get this script done then X, Y and Z will start to happen.  And finally, I will be happy.

I will have recognition.

I will have money.

I will have people wanting me for something.

But if it doesn't happen, I am nothing.

I am a single voice in a vacuum.

I am a tree in the woods,

if no one is there to hear me fall I will not make an impact.

As I am working on this script, it is clear it is not what I know it can be.

Ideas are coming to me all of the time.

Revelations about character, ways that the story is tying together,

connective tissue, interesting story points.

I am taking my time with it and I am not procrastinating, 

although I might be moving slower than I thought I would be.

I went for a walk to grab some lunch at the local market here in San Francisco,

where I am spending the day.  I had a thought.

The success is having the idea.

The success is the idea flourishing.

The success is writing down that idea and thinking about it.

The mere existence and presence of the idea is the success.

The finishing is just the completion.  It is not the success.

But if I don't finish the thought, if I don't complete the thought, even if I do

reach the edge of the pool,

the END,

then I have not succeeded.

I have taken dedicated time today

to think and write and jot down and process and progress.

That is success.

When I was chasing the dragon, I just had to have something to turn in.

I got it done.

Done is not complete.  It is not finished.

Yes, there is rewriting.

Yes, there are drafts.

But each draft has a completion.

This success is cumulative.  The success I have today,

in fleshing out these ideas and assembling the script,

will crate a bigger success tomorrow.

Those successes build on each other.

I am writing a script that feels outside of my boundaries.

But I am doing it.

Convincingly.

If I rush, I won't be doing it convincingly.

I won't be fully grasping the lesson.

This script is teaching me how to write

dark, how to take risks, how to throw an outlandish idea out there,

how to be fearless and unafraid.

I need to know how to do all of those things!

I need those skills!

And writing this script is teaching me those skills!

Only if I take the time to truly absorb and learn the lesson.

Otherwise, that learning process is really slow going.

I am trying not to be penny wise and pound foolish here.

I am investing now

for a greater return.

I am not chasing the dragon any more.

I am completing my work.

I am coming to my work with respect and reverence.

I am filling the tank.

I am getting comfortable with doubt.

I am sitting in my muck.

And I am letting myself out through this process.

And still I rise…

I am grateful for the sun coming out.

I am grateful for this house.

I am grateful for this table I am typing on.

I am grateful for my own patience with myself.

I am grateful that new ideas came out today.

I am grateful for love.

I am grateful for old friends.

I am grateful for former students who still have an effect on me.

I am grateful that I care.

I am grateful for my big mouth that speaks the truth no matter what.

I am grateful for not being filtered.

I am grateful that I am not hiding who I am.

I am grateful to be at home with doubt.

I am grateful to be okay with who I am.

I am grateful to smile.

I am grateful for sleep and for food.

I am grateful for clear skies that were once cloudy skies.

I am grateful for the cloudy skies this morning.

I am grateful for a place to stay.

I am grateful for a warm shower.

I am grateful for my body.

I am grateful for the half a sandwich I have left on the counter.

I am grateful for a full stomach.

I am grateful to know what I need and who I need.