When in Doubt...

Two out of three ain't bad.

That's something someone said before, right?

Quit while you're ahead.

That would be logical.  Life's a bet and I'm on a streak right now.  I finished two projects in 18 days and I have another project left to complete.  And what would that mean?  Would that say something about me and my level of success?  My intellect?  My charm?  My ability?

I've probably told this story before, but when I was going through my father's things before he died I found a certificate of acknowledgement from what would be my future high school.  It said I had scored in the 99th percentile of the folks who took the entrance exam that year.  Meaning I was in the top 1%.  I don't remember ever seeing that certificate before.  Either because my parents refused to show it to me or I blocked it out.  I never lived like I was that person, that one-percenter, as it were.

But now I am.

If I don't quit while I'm ahead and I keep going, what will my life look like?  I will continue to be a seeker, a doer, a curious george, a friend with change, an early adopter, a fearless being.  I don't know what my life will look like, but it won't be limited.  I won't be inside much.  I won't stay in my lane.  That much I do know.

I will be that one-percenter.

I watched an HBO documentary series about young artists in a master class with Anna Deavere Smith where she says:

"Let's give doubt a try."

In Kabbalah, they talk about absolute certainty.  It's often misinterpreted as holding onto an ideal and believing it against all odds.  It's like The Secret, which the Kabbalah folks seemed to be a big fan of when I was there.  But I have an alternative definition as to what it might mean.

I actually think is the same thing as "Let's give doubt a try."  It doesn't mean ignoring doubt or pretending it doesn't exist.  It means being okay with doubt being in the room.  Doubt's like an ex-lover.  If it doesn't mean anything to you any more, then it shouldn't matter that it's there.  She's saying to be okay with it.  To let it be there.  Because we don't always know what's supposed to happen and if you act like you do, then you eradicate so many possibilities.  If you're good with yourself, if you're certain with you who are, then you don't mind a little doubt.  You could actually learn something from looking at things from a different angle.

So many of my friends are afraid of doubt.  I have a group of friends who are waiting to find out if they will get a job on a TV show.  Some of them have a real possibility.  Some of them are just worrying themselves for something that won't happen this year if they look at the signs.  The anxiety all of this produces is so counterproductive to getting any real work done.  When you have all of that anxiety and worry that's all you have room for.  I understand that overwhelming feeling because I have been there.  I used to worry about it every year and worrying about whether or not I was up for staffing made me feel like I was actually a part of the game.  And it was important for me to be a part of the game. But the truth of the matter was that I wasn't even in play.  My worry only made it worse because I felt like a failure because I didn't hit a goal I was even in a position to hit.

I say to friends that I am happy to not be in the loop again this year for that sort of anxiety. Actually, it has been years since I have put myself in that place.  Probably about three or so years.  I have had staffing meetings and general meetings and network meetings and producer meetings.  All of these meetings sounded important to people around me and they made me feel important like something was really happening.  I ultimately realized that they were just meetings.  And most of them were good meetings, but it wasn't amounting to anything because someone else was blowing them away with their material and their skills than I was.  Or they had a hot play or a pilot deal or an uncle that executive owed a favor to.  In other words, it wasn't about me.  And I made it about me and I felt like a complete failure.  But I'm no longer in the loop, in the game.

For awhile it felt like I had quite enough.  Yes, I'm happy to be free from that anxiety.  But I'm not altogether happy that I am not in the conversation.  At one point, after my Dad died, I really thought about whether or not the pursuit of a television career was worth it.  I loved to write.  I had taught and I loved that.  I could just do that.  But there's bureaucracy everywhere and that's what I hated.  I didn't hate going in and meeting people.  I didn't hate writing.  I didn't hate coming up with new ideas.  I hated working with the wrong people and having that feeling of failure compounded by people who didn't get me.  That's what I really hated.  I hated beating my head against the wall.  I hated trying to prove myself to people who just don't understand or respect the writer I want to be.  They may not even give a shit.  That's possible.  And that's fair.  I'm not their cup of tea.  And what's wrong with that?

If I was absolutely certain that it would happen, that it had to happen, if I willed it all to happen then I might have been putting energy in the wrong places.  Absolutely Certainty in this context is code for "I'm gonna white knuckle it against all odds."  I don't know if that's a great thing to.  Giving doubt a try is considering that something might not be the right thing.  It's acknowledging that you might question yourself and that you should, but you shouldn't let that questioning derail you.  And you should know where that doubt comes from.  Does it really come from a place of trying to improve?  Or does it come from a place of constant comparison? Is it coming from an outside source?

Make friends with doubt.  Understand it.  Remember the relationship you used to have with it and choose to have a different relationship with it…like an ex-lover.  Appreciate the good things about doubt.  The things that you benefited from and dump the rest.  You don't need it.  The self destructive side of doubt?  Don't need it.  The nasty side?  Nope.  Just take what you need and discard the rest.

I am grateful for doubt.
I am grateful for knowing what I want.
I am grateful for friends to reflect certain truths back to me.
I am grateful for knowing when I need to hold back.
I am grateful for my ability to keep boundaries.
I am grateful for knowing that if I want things to be different, I will do things differently.