These Dreams

A dream is a wish your heart makes…

I remember my earliest aspirations to be recognized.  I watched a TV show from the 1980s, nothing that was particularly interesting or lasted more than a season.  But I remember thinking that I could come up with things for the actors to say and that I could make up what the stories would be.  I thought that's what the director did.  He told the actors what to do, so he must make up the story lines.  It wasn't until years later that I realized that was what a writer did.

I thought a writer was a person who wrote things that everyone saw.  It was probably then that I decided that's what I would do for a living.  I got plenty of encouragement along the way. I started writing plays in college and then got into NYU for graduate school.

Then I moved to LA and watched my career go nowhere significant.  Well, I wrote a lot.  But nothing has been produced since I've been out here.  And I've spent most of my time feeling like a failure because of it.  I have spent most of my time not feeling like a writer.  But I was writing a lot.  I was producing work.  But if a writer is only a person who gets recognized by studios, networks, people with power and gets a lot of money to do what they do because...how do you know you're good otherwise? Right?

I have a very good friend who had a very good year last year in this regard.  She won a prestigious award and a hefty prize.  She wrote a pilot under the supervision of a prominent show runner, got signed to one of the biggest agencies in town, and through this award had the chance to write another pilot under the supervision of one of the most prolific show runners in the business.  She's still living in her same apartment, struggling to pay her bills and is feeling defeated.  Despite being one of the hardest working people I know.  Yesterday, she posted something on Facebook about feeling defeated and she got lots of support from friends who were encouraging. My friend was feeling like a failure and people came to her aid to let her know that she was on the right path.

But what if she didn't feel like a failure?  What if what she had accomplished up to this point was enough?  Would that be a bad thing?

I drove in this morning thinking about her and thinking about that.  I was on my way to my favorite Korean Spa to spend a day working on a spec for four different network/studio sponsored fellowships, all of which I have applied for many times in the past.  So far this year I have written a play in a month, a pilot and story bible in two weeks, rewritten both scripts in 18 days, had a play reading, and now I am attempting to write this script in time for a deadline tomorrow.  I have been back out here in LA for 11 years and for the first time since I've been out here, I don't feel like a failure.  I would say that the feeling of not feeling like a failure has been around for the better part of a year.

I'm not trying to draw a comparison and say that I have a better attitude than my friend.  Or that my friend has more ambition than I do because she has set serious goals and has achieved them.  But what I can say is that my life is so much more peaceful without that anxiety of whether or not this job is going to be the job that makes my life perfect and makes all of the suffering worth it.  Not having that anxiety as a daily (make that hourly or minutely) struggle doesn't mean that I lack drive or ambition.  See the previous paragraph.

I'm actually more productive and prolific than I've ever been.  I wrote three pilots during the year my Dad was sick and dying.  My problem has never been productivity.  It was been clearing space in my life for living the life I want.  And when my life is cluttered with anxiety, doubt, fear, self-loathing and a bunch of other things, I don't have room for satisfaction, praise, love, self-encouragement and a bunch of other things.  Honestly, a lot of things happened that made me look at my life differently.  And I decided to look at my life differently, that made a huge difference.  I was hugely unhappy with everything in my life.  I was in a bad relationship, a bad work relationship and I had a father who also reinforced how I wasn't living up to my potential.  Things had to get really bad, the Universe had to step in and make some changes, and I had to be willing to look at my life differently.

After my Dad died, working hard to just maintain and advance my place in the line of "how important am I to the Industry today" seemed like a dumb goal.  I thought about just giving it all up and going to teach.  I started applying to a bunch of teaching jobs.  It didn't seem important to my life any more.  Too many things were important.  Like family and health.  Like happiness.  I realized that I could be happy other places.  I could be happy in Portland, near my brother and his family.  And there might be a job possibility for me.  I could be happy in Santa Clara, where I did my undergrad.  I had already taught there and there were new jobs that were being posted.  I could be happy in Atlanta or Miami or Chicago or New York.  I don't have to be in LA to be happy.  None of these opportunities have panned out.  After the last opportunity didn't pan out, I realized that I was done with ineffectual people.

I started realizing a few things:
I need money to live and pay my bills.
I love writing.  All writing.  TV and plays included.
I need time to write--clear, focused, uninterrupted, unencumbered time.

Some of that time is cluttered with worries about money and status.  So I needed to get rid of that.  I started doing some freelancing.  I'm setting a website up.  I started saying yes to things that I hadn't said yes to before.  I started working with clients on individual writing projects.  I have been doing little teaching gigs.  I want to be in a working environment where I work with people who work as hard as I do, care as much as I do, are kind to me, and will allow me to make a lot of money for a minimal time commitment.  Notice I didn't say minimal effort.  I'm all about putting all of myself into everything I do, but if it takes up too much time then I can't have that clear, focused, uninterrupted, unencumbered writing time.  Right now that person I'm working for is me.  I'm the only person who meets that criteria.

Once I started putting my focus that way, opportunities started coming my way.  I got a call from my old boss to do some work and I earned a good amount of money for a month's worth of work.  I realized that I could have charged more, so I'm still dealing with issues of my own worth and value.  I'm a work in progress.  But I earned enough to be able to travel and tackle this incredibly heavy month of writing--three projects by the end of the month.  I'm two down.  And the third is happening now.  But I needed to get away and I had friends who offered their places and spaces to me to help me accomplish that goal.  I have a friend who just offered me his office for three weeks in town.  The Universe is telling me that I should be writing.  I should really be writing things that mean something to me.  I have an opportunity to write a monologue for a theatre company that will reach people via social media.  I met with someone who seems to be innovative and progressive in terms of online marketing.  Sure, the actual commission isn't a lot of money.  But I'm not doing it because I need the money.  I'm doing it because I need to be writing and I need to get myself out there.  That's why I'm submitting my plays and TV scripts, to open up opportunity.  And I'm working freelance jobs so that when those opportunities happen I have both the money to afford to take the time and the time to take.

I care about writing again.  All three scripts that I've been writing I really care about and I feel like they come from some place within me.  I am not writing them because I think that this is the one opportunity that will change my life.  I want to write.  I want to share my words publicly and out loud.  I am accomplishing those things.

Whoopi Goldberg gave some great advice once.  I'm sure she gave great advice more than once.  But here's what she said this one particular time.  I'm paraphrasing, but she said that if your goal is to be an actor, that's easy.  Start acting with your community theatre, local productions, get friends together, whatever. But if your goal is to be famous, that's a different thing entirely and will probably not happen.  And you'll be unhappy.

I think that applies to writers.  Wanting to have a TV show on the air or a produced screenplay is not a bad thing.  It's a great goal.  But for me, the pleasure is in having created.  Having put everything into it.  That is its own reward.  Everything else has to be extra for me.  Because if I'm trying to predict an outcome which will be the marker of what a good writer I am or how hard I work or what my value is…that's setting me up for failure.  I am writing things right now that put me in a great position for those things to happen.  It sets up opportunities.  Absolutely.  But I'm frankly writing these three scripts IN A MONTH so that I know how hard I work.  The reward is writing three efforted scripts in one month.  With thoughtfulness.  With hard work.  With concentration.  With dedication.  I am not just tossing these three scripts off.  I am digging in and doing the work.

My theory is that in the marketplace you should be fast and great.
You can be fast and mediocre.
But you can't be slow.  Slow and great and slow and mediocre have the same effect.
I learned from two brilliant and generous people I worked for that writers who have yet to be introduced (I hate the term "baby writer", it's such a pejorative and unnecessary) need to be:

Idea Machines
Fast Writers
Outline Junkies

That's it.  So that's what my goal has been in these three scripts.
Are the ideas good and plentiful?
Am I taking those brilliant ideas and getting them down fast?  Because if I am, that means I am leading with my passion and not with my fear.
Am I showcasing my skills at creating a well-crafted story?  That means an outline or format.  It means I have a good idea of the scope of this story.  My pilot has a pretty clear and defined story bible.

One of my dearest friends asked me the other night:

Are you writing three scripts next month?

I guess the answer to that should be yes.
I will work as hard every month.
And if that work is a month of research, watching movies and TV shows and reading books…feeding the tank, then that is writing.
I have ideas and some work done on the next three plays.
I am reading a book that I want to adapt.
I know there's a lot of research to do on one of these play ideas.

My therapist told me that I am a writer because I write every day.
I have a job, he said.  The money will follow.
But because I'm doing it every day, I am telling the Universe that's what I should be doing.
No one defines who I am as a writer other than me.
I succeed every day.
And because I worked until one in the morning and woke up at six to drive here to the spa to put in another full day of work to get this script done, today is a success.
Already.
Before I have written one word.
Today is a success.
I can only be more successful, not less.
If I get these scripts done, what a great, wonderful, expansive feeling of freedom and success that will be.
But my successes along the way only encourage more success.
They don't set a bar that I won't get past.
They will push me as far as I need to be pushed.
I used to think that getting down on myself and reminding myself of my inadequacies
would push me.
Thankfully, I know that's not true.

We all have bad days.
We all have days that we feel less than and the pressure becomes to much.
I am not taking that away from anyone
or invalidating that.
But I want to feel as good as possible as often as possible.
And if that is daily, hourly, and minutely,
then I deserve that.
If I can feel a constant feeling of success, that's never too much.

I am grateful for all of the work I have done during these 29 days of May.
I am grateful that I am two down.
I am grateful that I am in the middle of the third and that I am progressing.
I am grateful that I am trying new things.
I am grateful that I get to say yes all of the time.
I am grateful that I have the courage to say yes all of the time.
I am grateful that things are moving in my life simply by changing my perception.
I am grateful that I am able to live the life I am living.
I am grateful that I have gratitude.
I am grateful that I get to see my brother and his wife and their kids and my sister in law's parents this weekend.
I am grateful that I am going to see theatre this weekend.
I am grateful that I going to talk about theatre this weekend.
I am grateful that I get to see old college friends this weekend.
I am grateful to be surrounded by love.
I am grateful to give love and get love back in return.
I am grateful that I know what I need and that I ask myself for what I need.
I am grateful that I got up early.
I am grateful for morning energy.
I am grateful that I am too busy being grateful to have doubt.
I am grateful for everything that will happen today.
I am grateful for music.
I am grateful for the smile on my face as I type all of this.
I am grateful for ramen for breakfast.