The Next Time I Teach Playwriting...

The next time I teach playwriting I will do a few things differently.
My friend Jeff told me once that he was told that
the first time you teach is a blur,
the second time you correct the mistakes made the first time,
and the third time is when you really start to enjoy it.
My friend Tony and I were talking about that last night at a show as he was telling
me about his teaching experience this term.

I would love to teach less structure in my introduction classes.
When I was taught playwriting by my mentor, we wrote and we read.
And we talked.
That is the class I would like to teach.
I would also like to discuss how the structure in which you approach an idea
affects the play you write.

Some people are outliners,
some people are note carders,
some people are laundry listers,
some people write their way into the story,
some people do a lot of research,
some people don't,
some people write about people they know,
some people watch a lot of movies to prepare,
some people watch a lot of TV prepare,
some people watch or read a lot of plays to prepare.

How you organize your thoughts and take in information directly affects the outcome of your work.

Maybe you do all of these things or some of these things or none of these things.

And it's a fun exercise to play around with the way that you do things
and see what the best preparation is for you individually.

With this script I'm working on now, which is a TV script, I am using notecards.
I have never used notecards.
I outline.
But there's a new freedom in doing the notecards,
partially because I am new to it.
But also because it's allowing me to take thoughts down and put them on a card.
That thought might get expanded to a scene or an arc.
It might just be something that I need to think about or maybe it's a theme that
I need to remain focused on as I'm writing.
But seeing it in front of me helps.
It gives me the structure of the outline
and the freedom of putting a puzzle together.
I might be a new way of working.
I have known people who notecard for years,
but never tried it.
I always thought it was analogous to outlining.
It's nothing like outlining.  Outlining is so static.
I love outlines.
I love the organization.
But this is a looser, more interchangeable way of doing organization.
And it will affect the feel of my script.
I can't wait to try it with my next play.

The next time I teach playwriting I will have a lot more reading.
I will have a lot more discussion.
I will make the classes progressively less structured.
The intro class will feel more like a lecture and group discussion based course.
The advanced class will bring in more elements of workshop.
And the workshop class that leads to a public presentation will be a full on workshop.

But there will also be a counterpoint because the advanced class will have more elements of dramatic structure laid out.
And the workshop class will deal with rewrites and feedback.
Each class will have a clearer focus, but will feel like a completed arc when put all together.

I can't wait for the next time I teach playwriting.

I am grateful for having taught.
I am grateful for my body telling me to rest.
I am grateful for sore feet.
I am grateful for music.
I am grateful for the outside.
I am grateful for a sunny deck.

Chasing the Dragon

When you have an addiction, you are looking for that high constantly and everywhere.

I believe it's referred to as "chasing the dragon," the act of chasing that elusive high--

that one thing that will make you feel better about yourself and make all of your 

problems go away.  

The thing or experience or validation that will fill the void you have inside yourself.

I know a thing or two about that.

I'm not addicted to any substance, but I am addicted to that validation.

I have been hooked for a very long time and it rears its head in the most likely and unlikely places.

I am in the process of finishing a script for an application to a few studio-funded fellowship programs.

In the past, when I have applied I was rushing to get the script done.

I might not have been finishing it up to the last second, but the intention behind finishing 

was one of desperation and hurry.

If I get this script done then X, Y and Z will start to happen.  And finally, I will be happy.

I will have recognition.

I will have money.

I will have people wanting me for something.

But if it doesn't happen, I am nothing.

I am a single voice in a vacuum.

I am a tree in the woods,

if no one is there to hear me fall I will not make an impact.

As I am working on this script, it is clear it is not what I know it can be.

Ideas are coming to me all of the time.

Revelations about character, ways that the story is tying together,

connective tissue, interesting story points.

I am taking my time with it and I am not procrastinating, 

although I might be moving slower than I thought I would be.

I went for a walk to grab some lunch at the local market here in San Francisco,

where I am spending the day.  I had a thought.

The success is having the idea.

The success is the idea flourishing.

The success is writing down that idea and thinking about it.

The mere existence and presence of the idea is the success.

The finishing is just the completion.  It is not the success.

But if I don't finish the thought, if I don't complete the thought, even if I do

reach the edge of the pool,

the END,

then I have not succeeded.

I have taken dedicated time today

to think and write and jot down and process and progress.

That is success.

When I was chasing the dragon, I just had to have something to turn in.

I got it done.

Done is not complete.  It is not finished.

Yes, there is rewriting.

Yes, there are drafts.

But each draft has a completion.

This success is cumulative.  The success I have today,

in fleshing out these ideas and assembling the script,

will crate a bigger success tomorrow.

Those successes build on each other.

I am writing a script that feels outside of my boundaries.

But I am doing it.

Convincingly.

If I rush, I won't be doing it convincingly.

I won't be fully grasping the lesson.

This script is teaching me how to write

dark, how to take risks, how to throw an outlandish idea out there,

how to be fearless and unafraid.

I need to know how to do all of those things!

I need those skills!

And writing this script is teaching me those skills!

Only if I take the time to truly absorb and learn the lesson.

Otherwise, that learning process is really slow going.

I am trying not to be penny wise and pound foolish here.

I am investing now

for a greater return.

I am not chasing the dragon any more.

I am completing my work.

I am coming to my work with respect and reverence.

I am filling the tank.

I am getting comfortable with doubt.

I am sitting in my muck.

And I am letting myself out through this process.

And still I rise…

I am grateful for the sun coming out.

I am grateful for this house.

I am grateful for this table I am typing on.

I am grateful for my own patience with myself.

I am grateful that new ideas came out today.

I am grateful for love.

I am grateful for old friends.

I am grateful for former students who still have an effect on me.

I am grateful that I care.

I am grateful for my big mouth that speaks the truth no matter what.

I am grateful for not being filtered.

I am grateful that I am not hiding who I am.

I am grateful to be at home with doubt.

I am grateful to be okay with who I am.

I am grateful to smile.

I am grateful for sleep and for food.

I am grateful for clear skies that were once cloudy skies.

I am grateful for the cloudy skies this morning.

I am grateful for a place to stay.

I am grateful for a warm shower.

I am grateful for my body.

I am grateful for the half a sandwich I have left on the counter.

I am grateful for a full stomach.

I am grateful to know what I need and who I need.

Here Again

I've been at the spa for almost 12 hours.
This is what happens when you work,
time gets away from you.

I will sure be happy for a change of pace
when this marathon of writing is over.
Three scripts in 31 days.  What was I thinking?

That's the fatigue and hunger talking.
I'm settling into a rhythm.
I will probably leave soon to take a break.

I might need a change of venue.
I have watched You Tube videos,
Eddie Murphy's Delirious, and written some pages.

I only slept 4 1/2 hours last night,
so I also took a nap.

I'm ready to be done with this script, not because I hate it
or think that it's not worth my time.
I actually think the exercise of working on this has been great for me.

I have to remember three weeks back to boot camp
when I pushed the limits of my physical and mental stamina.
This is pushing my limits.  It's a very good thing.

But again,
I am mid process,
in the middle of the pool,
pushing through to the other end.
I am just accepting that's where I am and I am continuing to push.

I am grateful for a 12 hour day (and counting).
I am grateful for my surroundings.
I am grateful for ideas that keep coming.
I am grateful for the work.
I am grateful for the struggle.
I am grateful for the reward on the other side of this.

These Dreams

A dream is a wish your heart makes…

I remember my earliest aspirations to be recognized.  I watched a TV show from the 1980s, nothing that was particularly interesting or lasted more than a season.  But I remember thinking that I could come up with things for the actors to say and that I could make up what the stories would be.  I thought that's what the director did.  He told the actors what to do, so he must make up the story lines.  It wasn't until years later that I realized that was what a writer did.

I thought a writer was a person who wrote things that everyone saw.  It was probably then that I decided that's what I would do for a living.  I got plenty of encouragement along the way. I started writing plays in college and then got into NYU for graduate school.

Then I moved to LA and watched my career go nowhere significant.  Well, I wrote a lot.  But nothing has been produced since I've been out here.  And I've spent most of my time feeling like a failure because of it.  I have spent most of my time not feeling like a writer.  But I was writing a lot.  I was producing work.  But if a writer is only a person who gets recognized by studios, networks, people with power and gets a lot of money to do what they do because...how do you know you're good otherwise? Right?

I have a very good friend who had a very good year last year in this regard.  She won a prestigious award and a hefty prize.  She wrote a pilot under the supervision of a prominent show runner, got signed to one of the biggest agencies in town, and through this award had the chance to write another pilot under the supervision of one of the most prolific show runners in the business.  She's still living in her same apartment, struggling to pay her bills and is feeling defeated.  Despite being one of the hardest working people I know.  Yesterday, she posted something on Facebook about feeling defeated and she got lots of support from friends who were encouraging. My friend was feeling like a failure and people came to her aid to let her know that she was on the right path.

But what if she didn't feel like a failure?  What if what she had accomplished up to this point was enough?  Would that be a bad thing?

I drove in this morning thinking about her and thinking about that.  I was on my way to my favorite Korean Spa to spend a day working on a spec for four different network/studio sponsored fellowships, all of which I have applied for many times in the past.  So far this year I have written a play in a month, a pilot and story bible in two weeks, rewritten both scripts in 18 days, had a play reading, and now I am attempting to write this script in time for a deadline tomorrow.  I have been back out here in LA for 11 years and for the first time since I've been out here, I don't feel like a failure.  I would say that the feeling of not feeling like a failure has been around for the better part of a year.

I'm not trying to draw a comparison and say that I have a better attitude than my friend.  Or that my friend has more ambition than I do because she has set serious goals and has achieved them.  But what I can say is that my life is so much more peaceful without that anxiety of whether or not this job is going to be the job that makes my life perfect and makes all of the suffering worth it.  Not having that anxiety as a daily (make that hourly or minutely) struggle doesn't mean that I lack drive or ambition.  See the previous paragraph.

I'm actually more productive and prolific than I've ever been.  I wrote three pilots during the year my Dad was sick and dying.  My problem has never been productivity.  It was been clearing space in my life for living the life I want.  And when my life is cluttered with anxiety, doubt, fear, self-loathing and a bunch of other things, I don't have room for satisfaction, praise, love, self-encouragement and a bunch of other things.  Honestly, a lot of things happened that made me look at my life differently.  And I decided to look at my life differently, that made a huge difference.  I was hugely unhappy with everything in my life.  I was in a bad relationship, a bad work relationship and I had a father who also reinforced how I wasn't living up to my potential.  Things had to get really bad, the Universe had to step in and make some changes, and I had to be willing to look at my life differently.

After my Dad died, working hard to just maintain and advance my place in the line of "how important am I to the Industry today" seemed like a dumb goal.  I thought about just giving it all up and going to teach.  I started applying to a bunch of teaching jobs.  It didn't seem important to my life any more.  Too many things were important.  Like family and health.  Like happiness.  I realized that I could be happy other places.  I could be happy in Portland, near my brother and his family.  And there might be a job possibility for me.  I could be happy in Santa Clara, where I did my undergrad.  I had already taught there and there were new jobs that were being posted.  I could be happy in Atlanta or Miami or Chicago or New York.  I don't have to be in LA to be happy.  None of these opportunities have panned out.  After the last opportunity didn't pan out, I realized that I was done with ineffectual people.

I started realizing a few things:
I need money to live and pay my bills.
I love writing.  All writing.  TV and plays included.
I need time to write--clear, focused, uninterrupted, unencumbered time.

Some of that time is cluttered with worries about money and status.  So I needed to get rid of that.  I started doing some freelancing.  I'm setting a website up.  I started saying yes to things that I hadn't said yes to before.  I started working with clients on individual writing projects.  I have been doing little teaching gigs.  I want to be in a working environment where I work with people who work as hard as I do, care as much as I do, are kind to me, and will allow me to make a lot of money for a minimal time commitment.  Notice I didn't say minimal effort.  I'm all about putting all of myself into everything I do, but if it takes up too much time then I can't have that clear, focused, uninterrupted, unencumbered writing time.  Right now that person I'm working for is me.  I'm the only person who meets that criteria.

Once I started putting my focus that way, opportunities started coming my way.  I got a call from my old boss to do some work and I earned a good amount of money for a month's worth of work.  I realized that I could have charged more, so I'm still dealing with issues of my own worth and value.  I'm a work in progress.  But I earned enough to be able to travel and tackle this incredibly heavy month of writing--three projects by the end of the month.  I'm two down.  And the third is happening now.  But I needed to get away and I had friends who offered their places and spaces to me to help me accomplish that goal.  I have a friend who just offered me his office for three weeks in town.  The Universe is telling me that I should be writing.  I should really be writing things that mean something to me.  I have an opportunity to write a monologue for a theatre company that will reach people via social media.  I met with someone who seems to be innovative and progressive in terms of online marketing.  Sure, the actual commission isn't a lot of money.  But I'm not doing it because I need the money.  I'm doing it because I need to be writing and I need to get myself out there.  That's why I'm submitting my plays and TV scripts, to open up opportunity.  And I'm working freelance jobs so that when those opportunities happen I have both the money to afford to take the time and the time to take.

I care about writing again.  All three scripts that I've been writing I really care about and I feel like they come from some place within me.  I am not writing them because I think that this is the one opportunity that will change my life.  I want to write.  I want to share my words publicly and out loud.  I am accomplishing those things.

Whoopi Goldberg gave some great advice once.  I'm sure she gave great advice more than once.  But here's what she said this one particular time.  I'm paraphrasing, but she said that if your goal is to be an actor, that's easy.  Start acting with your community theatre, local productions, get friends together, whatever. But if your goal is to be famous, that's a different thing entirely and will probably not happen.  And you'll be unhappy.

I think that applies to writers.  Wanting to have a TV show on the air or a produced screenplay is not a bad thing.  It's a great goal.  But for me, the pleasure is in having created.  Having put everything into it.  That is its own reward.  Everything else has to be extra for me.  Because if I'm trying to predict an outcome which will be the marker of what a good writer I am or how hard I work or what my value is…that's setting me up for failure.  I am writing things right now that put me in a great position for those things to happen.  It sets up opportunities.  Absolutely.  But I'm frankly writing these three scripts IN A MONTH so that I know how hard I work.  The reward is writing three efforted scripts in one month.  With thoughtfulness.  With hard work.  With concentration.  With dedication.  I am not just tossing these three scripts off.  I am digging in and doing the work.

My theory is that in the marketplace you should be fast and great.
You can be fast and mediocre.
But you can't be slow.  Slow and great and slow and mediocre have the same effect.
I learned from two brilliant and generous people I worked for that writers who have yet to be introduced (I hate the term "baby writer", it's such a pejorative and unnecessary) need to be:

Idea Machines
Fast Writers
Outline Junkies

That's it.  So that's what my goal has been in these three scripts.
Are the ideas good and plentiful?
Am I taking those brilliant ideas and getting them down fast?  Because if I am, that means I am leading with my passion and not with my fear.
Am I showcasing my skills at creating a well-crafted story?  That means an outline or format.  It means I have a good idea of the scope of this story.  My pilot has a pretty clear and defined story bible.

One of my dearest friends asked me the other night:

Are you writing three scripts next month?

I guess the answer to that should be yes.
I will work as hard every month.
And if that work is a month of research, watching movies and TV shows and reading books…feeding the tank, then that is writing.
I have ideas and some work done on the next three plays.
I am reading a book that I want to adapt.
I know there's a lot of research to do on one of these play ideas.

My therapist told me that I am a writer because I write every day.
I have a job, he said.  The money will follow.
But because I'm doing it every day, I am telling the Universe that's what I should be doing.
No one defines who I am as a writer other than me.
I succeed every day.
And because I worked until one in the morning and woke up at six to drive here to the spa to put in another full day of work to get this script done, today is a success.
Already.
Before I have written one word.
Today is a success.
I can only be more successful, not less.
If I get these scripts done, what a great, wonderful, expansive feeling of freedom and success that will be.
But my successes along the way only encourage more success.
They don't set a bar that I won't get past.
They will push me as far as I need to be pushed.
I used to think that getting down on myself and reminding myself of my inadequacies
would push me.
Thankfully, I know that's not true.

We all have bad days.
We all have days that we feel less than and the pressure becomes to much.
I am not taking that away from anyone
or invalidating that.
But I want to feel as good as possible as often as possible.
And if that is daily, hourly, and minutely,
then I deserve that.
If I can feel a constant feeling of success, that's never too much.

I am grateful for all of the work I have done during these 29 days of May.
I am grateful that I am two down.
I am grateful that I am in the middle of the third and that I am progressing.
I am grateful that I am trying new things.
I am grateful that I get to say yes all of the time.
I am grateful that I have the courage to say yes all of the time.
I am grateful that things are moving in my life simply by changing my perception.
I am grateful that I am able to live the life I am living.
I am grateful that I have gratitude.
I am grateful that I get to see my brother and his wife and their kids and my sister in law's parents this weekend.
I am grateful that I am going to see theatre this weekend.
I am grateful that I going to talk about theatre this weekend.
I am grateful that I get to see old college friends this weekend.
I am grateful to be surrounded by love.
I am grateful to give love and get love back in return.
I am grateful that I know what I need and that I ask myself for what I need.
I am grateful that I got up early.
I am grateful for morning energy.
I am grateful that I am too busy being grateful to have doubt.
I am grateful for everything that will happen today.
I am grateful for music.
I am grateful for the smile on my face as I type all of this.
I am grateful for ramen for breakfast.

The Office, Day Two

I'm back in this office.
My shoes are off.  My socks are off.  I should take my pants off.
But it's only 11:00.  I'm not that desperate yet.
I am still full of hope.  I got here 20 minutes ago.
Sure, I'm a little tired and I've resorted to the GLEE soundtrack
but I'm going to tackle today.

I did a lot of work yesterday.
That's the company line.
I fleshed out my story on notecards.
I watched Dustin Lance Black's mini doc on his creative process--
using notecards.  That's a sign from the Universe, right?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vrvawtrRxsw

I had questions that I noted.
I had story points that I wrote down.
Right now they are laid out on this big desk
and I am looking at them.
Hmmm…
I have 26 scenes where there should be about 45-50.
I wrote about three pages last night.
Not quite the progress I thought I would make.
Or should make.
But I understand what I'm doing
and I know how this particular story will reflect me.
And there are scenes in this 26 which will be fun to write.
Joss Whedon says
that writers should write the fun stuff first and then when you write
the stuff that you have to write, at least you'll see the light at the end of the tunnel.

http://www.fastcocreate.com/1683167/how-to-be-prolific-guidelines-for-getting-it-done-from-joss-whedon

All right.
I'll believe him.  It seems like sage advice.
And it's a different approach, which I'm happy to try out.
And why shouldn't it be fun?
I'm tired of this being just labor.
I have written two scripts this month so far…in the first 18 days of the month.
I can do this.
I have this.
I am psyching myself up.

My boyfriend called me this morning
after I left when I couldn't find him
and I called for him in the bathroom.
He was in the bathroom, but didn't hear me.
He asked if something was wrong.
Are you on a deadline or something?
Yeah, how do you not understand that I'm not on a deadline!
Well, I thought…
The way you were last night
and then this morning…
Oh, you mean when I had all of my notecards laid out on the table…
I thought you might be on a deadline…
Hell, yes!  I'm on a deadline!
Notecards!
Headphones!
Rudeness!
I just wanted to make sure there wasn't anything wrong between us…
No.  Just me being a writer
and ignoring everything else while I'm on deadline.
That's what this process is and that's why I left early to go to my office
so that I don't have to explain myself
or apologize.
I can be as rude as I need to be here.
I had a great weekend away where I let my mind empty out
and I wonderful conversation with one of my closest friends who happens
to be in from NYC last night.
Because of that,
I have to concentrate my focus
because my time has become condensed.
It doesn't mean that I shouldn't have gone on the camping trip,
it doesn't mean that it wasn't good for me,
but it just means that I have a tighter schedule
and can't just chit chat
or hang out the rest of the week
before I leave for SF.
That's all.

That's a lot to explain.

I'm focused.
I know he's not used to seeing me this way.
But this is how I am when I'm working
and I'm not going to change the way I am to accommodate a guy.
As much as I may love that man,
I did that before and it was disastrous for everyone involved.

So here I am at the office,
warming up,
writing this blog,
listening to Matthew Morrison and Kristin Chenoweth
singing Burt Bacharach
in a glorious musical theatre moment
that appeared on TV.
It puts a big smile on my face.
A big Broadway moment.

I have to do a lot in this script.
I have to take everything I do,
everything I am,
and pour it into this.
It plays to my strengths:
character
humor
theme
speeches
women

So I just need to go for it.

I am grateful for musical theatre songs with lots of bombast.
I am grateful for beautiful voices.
I am grateful to be reminded of big emotions and big feelings.
I am grateful for drama.
I am grateful for a boyfriend who is beginning to understand my whims.
I am grateful for a boyfriend who calls to make sure we're okay.
I am grateful for the chance to get lost in a story.
I am grateful that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
I am grateful that I go from here (in two days) to getting together with old friends in San Francisco and Santa Clara.
I am grateful that I get to walk on the campus where I began my journey as a playwright.
I am grateful that I will have a beautiful and relaxing place to stay.
I am grateful that I finally get to read a book I have been rechecking out from the library for the past six weeks.
I am grateful that that book is an idea for the next pilot.
I am grateful that I have an idea for the next play.
I am grateful that I have an idea for the play after that.
I am grateful that I have an idea for the play after that one too.
I am grateful that someone wants me to write a monologue about growing up in LA.
I am grateful that someone has an innovative plan on how to market that, market me, and market my work.
I am grateful for creative partnerships.
I am grateful for new friends who spark something inside of me.
I am grateful for the excitement that that creates.

Google Me? ME?

I had a last minute meeting with the artistic director of a local theater company this morning.  He's commissioning writers for a monologue project which sounds exciting and innovative.  As much as I love pure creativity and creative output, I also love innovation in how that work is seen and received.  And his ideas for how we get this project out in the world is exciting.

More on that at a later date when the project starts coming together…

I had to submit a couple of plays for him to read, so I was utterly amazed when I got a phone call that he wanted to meet today.  I had just submitted the plays maybe on Saturday?

But it wasn't my plays which got his attention.  It was a guest blog post that I wrote two years ago that he read.  And he found the blog post because he GOOGLED ME.

I guess everything is out there because I am not famous by any stretch of the imagination.  I guess it shouldn't surprise me, but it's weird to be Googleable.  I don't think of myself in that way.  I'm not as anonymous as I thought I was, which is a good thing.

So he read this blog post I wrote for a friend's blog and I guess he found it funny and a real glimpse into who I am as a writer.

I blog every day.  I don't have my name on either this blog or the other one I started three and a half years ago after my break up because I was trying to protect the innocent.  But I have a website I'm putting together and I will be linking my blogs to that website, plus starting up a new blog that is directly linked to the website and created especially to the site.  So in a matter of time I will be even less anonymous.  Am I ready for that?

Am I ready for a lot more Googleability?

Yeah.  It's time for that.  I am creating a more public persona for myself.  I'll probably take the veil off of this blog as well.  I have a lot of material I have been writing on these blogs for several years.  I love how informal this blog is.  I don't edit it.  These are not articles masquerading as blog posts, which for me are journal entries.  They are immediate thoughts.  But I like the idea that I might do a blog on my site that is much more branded and written like articles.  There's a time for flashier for sure.  But I love the immediacy of this blog too.  I like being able to just write things as I'm thinking them.

But back to this Google thing.
It is making me aware that I do have a public persona on some level, whether I like it or not.
So I'm just going to lean into it.
Because I really have no choice.
Why fight the current?

I am grateful for Googleability.
I am grateful for friendship.
I am grateful for a courtyard.
I am grateful for an open door.
I am grateful for a closable door.
I am grateful for music.
I am grateful for nice weather.
I am grateful for productive afternoons.
I am grateful for my car.
I am grateful for the trips I have taken this month.
I am grateful to be rounding out the month on a high point.

The Office

I'm in an office typing away.
I have a door that closes and locks.
I have a courtyard outside when I need to take a break.
There are people around, so this place feels very productive.
At least the people around me are working.
I'm getting there.  Currently, listening to Adele.
But I'm getting to where I need to be.
I have a strict deadline this week because I'm leaving for SF on
Friday and I have a submission due the same day.
So I'm giving myself until Thursday to get this script written.
This office space could not have happened at a better time.
So I have three weeks in this space,
some of which I'll be up in San Francisco for.

But having an office allows me to treat my writing career
as a business.
Not only do I get the opportunity to feel what it would be like
to have a separate space to work,
but when I take phone calls,
when I send emails,
when I blog,
when I pay my bills,
it is from my office.
I am creating space for my work to happen.
I am creating space for my business life to happen.
I am going home and feeling like that is its own place
versus working from home
or working from the library
or Starbucks.
All of those things are good.
And I get a lot of work done in those spaces.
But this space
is great and I am treating it with the utmost respect.

It has even inspired me to set up meetings and phone calls
for work related endeavors
when I get back from SF.
This is all a part of the Universe telling me
that I should be working on my own terms
and I need to figure out how to make that happen
instead of just wishing upon a star.
Although, I did that this weekend when I was camping in Joshua Tree.
The entire night sky was like a patterned blanket
with dots and sparkles everywhere.
I could look the Universe directly in the face and proclaim what
I want completely uninterrupted by the Moon,
which was not showing up until 3:30 AM.
I had the Universe all to myself.

That paired with the work I have been doing
is what is behind this surge of energy.
I'm not opposed to the metaphysical.
The Universe is telling me directly that it is in support of what I'm doing.
It likes this productivity.
It is making that absolutely clear by presenting these wonderful opportunities
to keep going.
The Universe is making it clear that this is all leading somewhere.
I remember what was happening in the time before I got into
graduate school and there is a very similar thing going on here.
I have space to work,
time to work,
the ideas are there as well.
I also have the time to clear my head
and prepare my mental space for productivity.
The camping trip to Joshua Tree this weekend
was a welcome respite from all of the work I have been doing.
And you have to be good to yourself,
at all times.  You just do.
Treat Yo Self is my most recent mantra,
but I try to live by those words
as often as I can throughout the day.

I am grateful for this office, this space.
I am grateful for a boyfriend who I can relax around.
I am grateful for the generosity of friends, especially their generosity of spirit.
I am grateful that I am able to see the good things happening around me.
I am grateful that I am able to build upon those good things.
I am grateful for creation.
I am grateful for a sunny day.
I am grateful for bare feet and a full stomach.
I am grateful that I finished a pilot earlier this month.
I am grateful that I finished a play and had a reading of that play this month.
I am grateful that I had incredible writers and a wonderful director (ME) to make my vision happen.
I am grateful for Anastacia and old school jams.
I am grateful for breaks.
I am grateful for work.
I am grateful for people who get excited by my work.

Idea Machine

So why is it when I'm on a strict deadline for a script that's due next week and I haven't even finished my outline that I have a fully fleshed out idea for a new play?

I like to procrastinate by coming up with new ideas.
Sometimes I even like to write whole scripts while I'm procrastinating with another project.

Honestly, I haven't done that in years.  But it used to be a hobby of mine.  These days, I am not doing that. But I thought about this play idea that I've had for a while.  And a good friend of mine and I had a conversation over the weekend about a type of story that I should be writing.  So maybe that's what prompted that thought.

So I broke it down yesterday and even did a little bit of research.  When I should have been writing this new script.  Actually, I should have been outlining this new script since I have been putting it off.  Not like I haven't had ideas come to me and not like I haven't written them down.  I have been doing all of that.

And now I have this office I get to work out of, so who knows what ideas will be popping out of me.  I just want to be prepared with my laptop and a notepad.

Let's get this party started!

I am grateful for ideas, ideas, ideas.
I am grateful for my productivity this month.
I am grateful for my productivity all year so far.
I am grateful for my productivity over the past five years.
I am grateful that I can keep going.
I am grateful that I have time to work.
I am grateful for the focus to work.
I am grateful for the desire to work.
I am grateful that it all just keeps getting better.
I am grateful that I keep getting better.

Time and Space Management

I am sitting in my office.
At least in the office I am using for the next three weeks through overwhelming generosity of a close friend.
I'm sitting in his chair, a little taller and a little straighter.
Like it's time to get down to business.

And it is time to get down to business.
Let's talk about that for a second: time.
As a writer, I freak out about time constantly.  As in:

there's never enough time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I'm finishing a script I never feel like there's enough time.
And that feeling that time is running out really is a self-fulfilling
prophecy.  Because I get panicked and all I can do is focus on the ticking
time bomb clock.  It really freaks me out.
So I started doing this thing where I say to myself:

I have all the time in the world!!!!!

I lie to myself.  Constantly.  But isn't that what fuels creativity?
Delusion.
I lie to myself about how much I can get work done,
how much time it takes,
how motivated I feel,
how good the work is,
how many breaks I need.
Because what is the alternative?
Beating myself up.  That's the alternative.  And I do that without a second thought,
without prompting,
without much effort.
And if it's not true that
I suck
I'm a loser
I'm untalented
I'm no good.
Then it's all bullshit.  And frankly,
I'd rather feed myself the bullshit
that doesn't smell,
doesn't hurt me
and tastes good.
Why not?

So telling myself that I have all the time in the world
is not the worst lie I could tell myself.
And it takes the pressure off.
I enjoy how I spend my time and the experience of
all this creativity is a much more pleasant one.
Because if creativity is a more enjoyable thing,
then we're encouraged to do it more.  If it sucks all of the time,
then we're not going to do it.
And trust me, it sucks enough without me trying to make it suck more.
So I listen to my music,
I have my snacks,
I put myself in an office,
and I get to it.
And getting to it does often involve
staring at the screen,
singing along to my entire iTunes library before I write a word,
watching Netflix as research,
Googling my face off,
talking on the phone,
looking at Facebook,
and countless other distractions.
And I do get shit done, too.
It happens!  Seriously!  I mean it!

But having the physical space is just as important
as being in the right head space
and often both go hand in hand.
I have this great office to go to every day for the next three weeks
and I'm doing it partially because I need to see what it feels like
to drive to my own personal office,
shut the door and let the magic happen.
But I have to leave home.
And I'm testing out the idea of what it means to
have an office
that is not attached to a day job
and to not have to work at home
just because I don't have a day job.
I have made the mobile office thing work
with the Starbucks,
the West Hollywood Library,
and the Korean Spa
and sometimes going down to my Mom's place.
But the idea of having a separate office
is great because it honors
my work
by allowing me to claim a separate space for it.
So I am super grateful for my friend Tim's generosity.
And now I'm getting to work…

But I have all the time in the world!

I am grateful for this office.
I am grateful for quiet.
I am grateful for the cloudy sky in LA because it makes it easier to work.
I am grateful for the ability to take a breath.
I am grateful that I packed a lunch.
I am grateful for love.
I am grateful for 8 pounds of carne asada.
I am grateful that I get to go camping tomorrow.
I am grateful that I get to see old friends next week.
I am grateful for all the time in the world.

Push It Real Good (or Lean Into It)

Another Thursday.
Another morning at the West Hollywood Library.
Actually, I haven't been here in a while.  Probably a couple of months.
Funny how time flies.
I have been working and writing out of town.
And now I'm sitting here with a serious deadline coming up in a week.

I'm doing a great job listening to my iTunes library.
I'm succeeding at that.
I actually had a good day yesterday at the Korean Spa
getting work done.
I had some good ideas for the spec.
I think I have a rough idea of what this spec will be.
But I don't have an outline yet.
And that's why I went there yesterday.
I should have an outline.
I have 7 1/2 days to write this script and turn it in.

I have to remember why I am doing this.
I am not doing it to get a staff job on a TV show,
although I do want that.
I am not doing it to prove that I should be writing for TV.
I am not doing it to be validated by the powers that be.

I am doing it to push myself to write three scripts
in a month.
I am doing it to exercise my stamina.
I am doing it to get it done.
I am doing to get another opportunity to write.
I am doing it to exercise a part of my brain I haven't exercised in a while.

If I do all of these things, then I will perfect the skills to write on a TV show or
develop my own.
If I do all of these things, I will show I should be writing for TV.
I will be doing the job.
And if I succeed, then I will be validated, but I that will just happen because
that's the way things go.

I am doing it to push past my fear.
I am doing it to be less precious about what I write.
I am doing it because the action of writing becomes easier to do
and less special (meaning rare) if it's a routine.
I am doing it to continue my routine.
This is my way of life.
It's not something I do to get into a program
or to win a contest.
But the contest can give me an excuse to continue my routine
and to put action behind the intention:

I am a writer.

So while I'm pushing it, like the Salt N Pepa song,
I need to remember to just lean into it.
Just relax into it.
Give up the anxiety and just get it done.

The more I write,
the less surprising it becomes when I get shit done.

I am grateful for blogging, it keeps me writing.
I am grateful for music, it keeps me writing.
I am grateful for rhythm, it keeps me writing.
I am grateful for reflection, it keeps me writing.
I am grateful for exercise, it keeps me writing.
I am grateful for reading, it keeps me writing.
I am grateful for sleep, it keeps me writing.
I am grateful for good friends, they keep me writing.
I am grateful for walks, it keeps me writing.
I am grateful for my boyfriend, he keeps me writing.

When in Doubt...

Two out of three ain't bad.

That's something someone said before, right?

Quit while you're ahead.

That would be logical.  Life's a bet and I'm on a streak right now.  I finished two projects in 18 days and I have another project left to complete.  And what would that mean?  Would that say something about me and my level of success?  My intellect?  My charm?  My ability?

I've probably told this story before, but when I was going through my father's things before he died I found a certificate of acknowledgement from what would be my future high school.  It said I had scored in the 99th percentile of the folks who took the entrance exam that year.  Meaning I was in the top 1%.  I don't remember ever seeing that certificate before.  Either because my parents refused to show it to me or I blocked it out.  I never lived like I was that person, that one-percenter, as it were.

But now I am.

If I don't quit while I'm ahead and I keep going, what will my life look like?  I will continue to be a seeker, a doer, a curious george, a friend with change, an early adopter, a fearless being.  I don't know what my life will look like, but it won't be limited.  I won't be inside much.  I won't stay in my lane.  That much I do know.

I will be that one-percenter.

I watched an HBO documentary series about young artists in a master class with Anna Deavere Smith where she says:

"Let's give doubt a try."

In Kabbalah, they talk about absolute certainty.  It's often misinterpreted as holding onto an ideal and believing it against all odds.  It's like The Secret, which the Kabbalah folks seemed to be a big fan of when I was there.  But I have an alternative definition as to what it might mean.

I actually think is the same thing as "Let's give doubt a try."  It doesn't mean ignoring doubt or pretending it doesn't exist.  It means being okay with doubt being in the room.  Doubt's like an ex-lover.  If it doesn't mean anything to you any more, then it shouldn't matter that it's there.  She's saying to be okay with it.  To let it be there.  Because we don't always know what's supposed to happen and if you act like you do, then you eradicate so many possibilities.  If you're good with yourself, if you're certain with you who are, then you don't mind a little doubt.  You could actually learn something from looking at things from a different angle.

So many of my friends are afraid of doubt.  I have a group of friends who are waiting to find out if they will get a job on a TV show.  Some of them have a real possibility.  Some of them are just worrying themselves for something that won't happen this year if they look at the signs.  The anxiety all of this produces is so counterproductive to getting any real work done.  When you have all of that anxiety and worry that's all you have room for.  I understand that overwhelming feeling because I have been there.  I used to worry about it every year and worrying about whether or not I was up for staffing made me feel like I was actually a part of the game.  And it was important for me to be a part of the game. But the truth of the matter was that I wasn't even in play.  My worry only made it worse because I felt like a failure because I didn't hit a goal I was even in a position to hit.

I say to friends that I am happy to not be in the loop again this year for that sort of anxiety. Actually, it has been years since I have put myself in that place.  Probably about three or so years.  I have had staffing meetings and general meetings and network meetings and producer meetings.  All of these meetings sounded important to people around me and they made me feel important like something was really happening.  I ultimately realized that they were just meetings.  And most of them were good meetings, but it wasn't amounting to anything because someone else was blowing them away with their material and their skills than I was.  Or they had a hot play or a pilot deal or an uncle that executive owed a favor to.  In other words, it wasn't about me.  And I made it about me and I felt like a complete failure.  But I'm no longer in the loop, in the game.

For awhile it felt like I had quite enough.  Yes, I'm happy to be free from that anxiety.  But I'm not altogether happy that I am not in the conversation.  At one point, after my Dad died, I really thought about whether or not the pursuit of a television career was worth it.  I loved to write.  I had taught and I loved that.  I could just do that.  But there's bureaucracy everywhere and that's what I hated.  I didn't hate going in and meeting people.  I didn't hate writing.  I didn't hate coming up with new ideas.  I hated working with the wrong people and having that feeling of failure compounded by people who didn't get me.  That's what I really hated.  I hated beating my head against the wall.  I hated trying to prove myself to people who just don't understand or respect the writer I want to be.  They may not even give a shit.  That's possible.  And that's fair.  I'm not their cup of tea.  And what's wrong with that?

If I was absolutely certain that it would happen, that it had to happen, if I willed it all to happen then I might have been putting energy in the wrong places.  Absolutely Certainty in this context is code for "I'm gonna white knuckle it against all odds."  I don't know if that's a great thing to.  Giving doubt a try is considering that something might not be the right thing.  It's acknowledging that you might question yourself and that you should, but you shouldn't let that questioning derail you.  And you should know where that doubt comes from.  Does it really come from a place of trying to improve?  Or does it come from a place of constant comparison? Is it coming from an outside source?

Make friends with doubt.  Understand it.  Remember the relationship you used to have with it and choose to have a different relationship with it…like an ex-lover.  Appreciate the good things about doubt.  The things that you benefited from and dump the rest.  You don't need it.  The self destructive side of doubt?  Don't need it.  The nasty side?  Nope.  Just take what you need and discard the rest.

I am grateful for doubt.
I am grateful for knowing what I want.
I am grateful for friends to reflect certain truths back to me.
I am grateful for knowing when I need to hold back.
I am grateful for my ability to keep boundaries.
I am grateful for knowing that if I want things to be different, I will do things differently.

Finishing the Hats (no, really)

I had a big challenge this month.  I had three projects that were coming up due.  I thought I had worked hard all year, up to this point.  I had finished a new play that was 118 pages, complete with 30 pages of monologues and lots of heartfelt, heart-wrenching story.  It was emotional.  It was full.  It was LONG.  And I had written it in roughly 30 days.

Then I was conflicted about what I would write next.  When you're a writer in LA, the TV and film industry cast a shadow.  Actually, this is exactly what I want to be doing, but I've also been writing plays and focused on being happy.  I had been down that road before and it left me unemployed with plenty of anxiety.  However, I knew I want to write a pilot and I actually thought it would be a comedy.  But my idea for a comedy pilot didn't seem all that inspired.  So I decided that I would write a family drama, something I had been thinking about for a while.  I wrote the series bible in a week.  I had lots of ideas for stories.  And then I outlined the pilot and wrote it in a week.  Then I put that down.

In the meantime, I found out that Sundance was doing a TV lab.  Then EVERYONE I knew found out about it and applied.  I knew I had to get back to the pilot, but then an opportunity to work and make money came to me.

So in April I worked.  I tried to concentrate heavily on the play (which would have a reading in May) and the pilot (the Sundance deadline was May 15), but my work was paying me and keeping me extremely busy.  As May was approaching, I knew that I would have these two projects to work on.  That's a lot of work.  Two projects in 18 days.

But then I saw that the Warner Bros, ABC and NBC deadlines were coming up as well.  They all require a spec of a show that's on the air.  I haven't written a spec in two years, maybe.  Or three.  I also knew that writing a spec has no relevance except for these contests.  Would I do it?  More importantly, could I do it with all of my deadlines coming up.

Three scripts in a month?  That's crazy.  Seriously.  That is crazy.

But already I started writing this pilot in order to have another sample for the Humanitas Prize should I be asked.  I knew that it could be useful for staffing or for agents, should I be asked.  And then another Latino Writers prize came into my view as well.  So I thought…well, this could all be good for me.  The Universe is trying to tell me something.  I decided to go for it.

But it wasn't that simple.  First of all, how would I get all of that done without pissing off everyone in my life?  I decided I needed to get away and do a writer's retreat, which I have documented on this blog.  And that worked out because I had friends who were offering me their spaces to get away.  I had just done a lot of work on my car and felt like I needed to put that spent money to good use by getting in my car and driving somewhere.

Since I wrote about it extensively on the blog already, I'll cut to the chase.  I got the pilot done.  I got the play done.  It was crazy and my deadlines were ridiculous.  But I got it done.  And on Sunday night, after my play reading and I was doing a vodka shot with my fellow writers, I thought…

I have one more script left.  To write in 12 days.  But I feel so much lighter with both of those scripts done…OKAY, let's keep going.

During those first 18 days in May, I doubted myself constantly.  I thought I was CRAZY for trying to get all of that done.  I didn't want to sacrifice the quality of any of the three projects.  But I decided that I would do away with my need to be good.  I would work hard and accomplish my goal of getting three scripts done.  This would be a lesson in hard work and fast writing.  That was my only expectation of myself.  Funny thing about a deadline…

I like the work I did.  I think I pulled things out of myself that I needed to.  If I was worried about whether or not it was "good writing", I would have held back and censored myself.  I just wanted to get it done and have it make sense.  I was worried about finishing, so any thoughts about pleasing anyone just fell by the waist side.  I didn't have time to worry about how other people would receive it, I just had to make myself happy.  That's all I had time for.

And even Saturday night/Sunday morning, I was cursing myself for getting this play done.  I felt tapped out.  I had a writer drop out last minute.  I didn't have any time to stress out.  I just had to get the work done in front of my and not embarrass myself.  I thought about the actors more than anyone and my peers.  I knew that the work being presented was good.  And I didn't want to be the jackass that dragged down the ship.  I did not want to be the weakest link.  So I pushed and succeeded.

Now that I have this last script to finish, my goal is to finish what I started.  I sometimes struggle with being a good finisher.  So this is my lesson in that.   I know I can do it.  I feel like I am on my third marathon in a row.  So, yes, I am tired.  My brain is mush.  My body aches.  I am running on fumes and I am on pure adrenaline and drive.  I am not refreshed or rested.  This is exactly what I would be feeling if I were running my third marathon in a row.  Now it's about pushing.  It's about getting to the finish line a third time.  And even though I'm sore all over, I am well trained.  I have been putting in this work for a long time now and my body and mind are conditioned.  I've got the burden of the other two behind me and now I am ready to sprint to the finish line.  Because a weird euphoria has set in…call it delusion.  That's okay.  I don't think it's an insult.  I'm in a state of bliss and half-awakeness.

This is happening.  It's really happening.  And I have to finish before I leave on my trip next Friday.  So I have eight days.  Seriously, eight days.

But I just did this six days ago.  And I did it again three days ago.  So I'll do it again in eight days from now.

All right.  This is my life.  I'm okay with that.

I am grateful that I got the first two done.
I am grateful for stamina.
I am grateful for determination.
I am grateful that I can still stand.
I am grateful for the philosophy of Treat Yo Self.
I am grateful for great dinners and great conversations and great affection.
I am grateful that people keep coming back into my life.
I am grateful to share in my friends accomplishments.
I am grateful for blurry eyes.
I am grateful for Korean spas. 
I am grateful for old snoring men.

This is what happens when you talk to someone...

Writing's hard.

It's a solitary endeavor and it's difficult to do.  

But it's even more difficult when you feel like you're stuck inside a vacuum.

That's why having a community of writers, of friends and supporters, is important.  

This past weekend I was reminded what a strong support system I had

when I was working on a reading of a new play.

I had been working on this new play,

the first act of which I worked on during my retreat 

a couple of weeks ago.  

Then I had to work on the new pilot rewrite

and started work on that on the retreat

then had to finish that up when I got back.

That was done by Thursday,

I took Friday to regroup,

and went to the reading festival on Saturday.

Saturday night and Sunday were to be the days

I was going to work on the rest of the play. 

Then an actor dropped out,

we got a replacement because my friends reached out

to actors they knew.

I rehearsed on Sunday afternoon,

did some major cutting on the play an hour

before we were set to do the reading.

My actors completely came through for me

by killing it.

My friends came through for me

by showing up with their support.

I had two great conversations with two playwrights who are becoming new and fast friends.

The conversations were about real important things we

think about as writers:

how to make a living

how to make ourselves happy

how to get someone to advocate for you (aka agents and managers)

and at the same time 

how to stay true to who you are as a writer.

It's that age old conversation

of how to stick to your guns

and trust your instincts in a town

where no one trusts their instincts.

And that trickles down to us,

the ambitious, hopeful, eager to please, vulnerable

writer

who just wants to do a good job.

And the other conversation was about 

privilege,

what that means

how to embrace the world you've been born into

without being insensitive

and how to be sensitive

without being

condescending.

I am a writer of color

who doesn't come from privilege

financially

but comes from great privilege 

on an educational level 

and has so successfully assimilated

that I start to forget

that my struggle is a part

of my story.

But I was raised with the idea that my struggle

is not an excuse.

So I don't excuse myself.

And I excuse myself so very little that I act as if 

I only come from privilege.

And something about that failure to tell that side of my story,

because I don't want to depend on sympathy or pity,

has kept me from my goals.

My conversation with my very good friend

reminded me of that

without him telling me that is what's happening.

I think that if I tell that story,

I am exploiting the truth 

instead of sharing it.

I am brown.

I am smart.

I am barrio adjacent

as well as 

Beverly Hills adjacent.

Someone told me years ago

that I haven't told my story yet.

Maybe that's my story:

Barrio Adjacent.

Those two conversations about instinct and race

are so connected to who I am.

I have a story.

It's a strong story.

It's a real story.

It's my story.

Some people have an idea of what my story is.

And because I know that they think they know what my story is,

I reject it.

And I reject them.

So therefore, we cannot work together.

I have to stand behind my story,

but also in front of it

and to either side.

I have to be my story's bodyguard

because I know how precious and fragile

it is.

It could break at any second, 

much that chip I have on my shoulder.

That tortilla chip on my shoulder,

light, brittle, not immediately noticed.

So I have protection,

I can keep the tortilla chip that I wear on my shoulder

safe and unbroken.

It's fine.

I'm fine.

I have no excuses for not

working together with these people who think they know

what my story is,

but if I keep it hidden and guarded

then they won't know what my real story is.

Nothing's going to happen to that chip,

I need that chip

in order to remind me to be on watch,

but if it broke into a 

thousand pieces

I'd still have the memory of that chip,

the memory

but no longer the burden of having to keep it safe.

Yet the memory

lingers to remind me of who I am

and what I am

and what I stand for 

and what I just can't stand.

It doesn't have to be there 

for me to know,

a chip cannot live forever,

eventually that chip gets stale

and outlives its purpose,

eventually it's irrelevant 

through no fault 

or action of mine.

And then it just becomes a reminder

to stay true to myself

but not a burden

to make sure that I hold on to it

so preciously.

These are the conversations that occur when you've got an open dialogue

and good friends to talk to…

It always finds its way back into the work. 

It's all writing.

I am grateful for talks with friends.

I am grateful that I have a new group of people in my life.

I am grateful that those conversations have meaning.

I am grateful to not get stuck in a certain type of conversation.

I am grateful for love and support in my life.

I am grateful to know what I deserve.

When Not Writing is Writing

Today I spent the day not writing.

It's important to take a break.
I have been writing my face off.
And  I have more writing to do before the end of the month.

So today was about rest.
And doing some domestic things.
Like cleaning up.
And grocery shopping.
Somehow doing those mundane every day tasks feels great after a ton of writing.
I watched two episodes of Nashville.
I still have the season finale to watch, but I have to wait for the boyfriend to do that.
I have some more TV stuff to watch to get ready for this next project.

I love tasks.
Errands.
It's funny how that is a relief to me.
And tonight I will be cooking for the boyfriend.
It's nice to do boyfriend things when there is time to do boyfriend things.
And there hasn't been a lot of that lately.

I'm looking forward to some more of that once my May is over.
But this is the month to get things done,
according to my horoscope.
So I'm getting shit done.  I'm putting the work in.
I'm freeing shit up.
I'm making space.
I'm creating room for good stuff to happen.

And I"m eating popcorn I popped yesterday
during rehearsal and forgot to eat.
Maybe I'll workout later.
But I plan on watching the finales of
Rupaul's Drag Race and The Voice
and having a good meal:
pork chops, scalloped potatoes and green beans.
I'm cooking for my man.

But all of this R&R has been writing
because I'm resting my brain.
And I'm preparing for the last script
I have to write this month.
I am being good to myself.
I am doing research.
I am blogging.
I am using my brain in different ways.
It's important to do a little active non-writing
in order to get ready to write.

I am grateful for a day off.
I am grateful for time to put my feet up.
I am grateful for the supermarket.
I am grateful for time with my man.
I am grateful that the TV works.
I am grateful that I have the financial resources to take this time off.
I am grateful for more opportunities to show what a fast, quick, efficient writer I am.

I did it!

I have three writer goals for May.
I finished two of them.
On time.
And well.

And it killed me.  For 18 days.  Okay.  I can survive that.

And now I have one more goal for the end of the month.
Can I hit that one?
Yes.
I don't have the weight of all three on my shoulders.
Even with my Sundance application sent in on Thursday, I had an incredible amount of work to do
in a short amount of time.
I didn't do much work on Friday.
I did some on Saturday.
But then I was at play readings all day,
supporting friends
and frankly seeing some great work.
So when it came to Saturday night
and a wrench was thrown into the mix
when I had to replace an actor,
I was in a crazy place.
I didn't think I was going to finish.
I was doubting why I had decided to do both
the play and the TV pilot and the spec in the same
month.
But I got both of those goals done.  Now I have
twelve days to get this spec done.
I can do it.
I feel like it's one script in twelve days.
Okay, let's get it done.
It's like I had a bunch of sand bags on me,
and I was moving along,
but then all the sand bags are taken off of me,
except for one and now I'm running fast
because the weight of all the other sand bags
have trained me and strengthened my muscles so that
I can run quickly.

I am grateful for that.

I am grateful for lots of work this month.
I am grateful for lots of paid work last month to make this month possible.
I am grateful for my Monterey retreat.
I am grateful for my trips to the Wi Spa that have helped clear my mind and helped me
be productive.
I am grateful for a straight 14 hour work day last week.
I am grateful for a group of great actors yesterday.
I am grateful that I had the focus to get my cuts done in less than an hour.
I am grateful for the Playwrights Union to keep me motivated.
I am grateful for Molly, Bill, Susan, Tim, my Ninja, my boyfriend, my family and my friends for keeping me motivated.
I am grateful for a rest day.
I am grateful that I get to only do domestic things today.
I am grateful that that is not entirely true and I am cleaning up a lot of things today, including working on transcribing my cuts to file.
I am grateful that I was so brave yesterday.
I am grateful that I only have one more script to complete this month.
I am grateful that I am meeting new friends and bringing new people into my life.
I am grateful that I am choosing only to have people around me who inspire me and motivate me.
I am grateful that I am sticking to the positive.
I am grateful that I have long lists of things I am grateful for.
I am grateful for Rupaul's Drag Race for taking my mind off of things.
I am grateful for the three episodes of Nashville that I have to watch.
I am grateful to have the day to do anything other than actual writing.

Gratitude Super Jam

I am grateful for long hours.
I am grateful for fun songs on my iTunes.
I am grateful for GLEE season 2.
I am grateful for deep breaths.
I am grateful for the three meals I've had (so far) at the Korean Spa.
I am grateful for showers to revive me.
I am grateful for bare feet.
I am grateful for a clean face after a shave.
I am grateful for nice eye candy at the spa.
I am grateful for continued inspiration.
I am grateful that I have completed:
the demographic section
my pilot summary
my bio.
I am grateful that I am so close to finishing the pilot.
I am grateful that the treatment looks good.
I am grateful that I could sit in one place for 14 hours (and counting) to get this done.
I am grateful that my inspiration is sustaining me.
I am grateful it is only Thursday.
I am grateful that I can take a break when this is done.
I am grateful that I am inspired.
I am grateful that I keep going.
I am grateful for good friends who inspire me.
I am grateful for talent surrounding me.
I am grateful for wet hair cooling me down.
I am grateful for the one hour nap I had this morning.
I am grateful that I was able to get up at 5 AM and be here by 5:30 and get started.
I am grateful for "Hold On Hope" by Glen Campbell.
I am grateful for bathroom breaks.
I am grateful for clean hands.
I am grateful for sore muscles.
I am grateful for my physical stamina.
I am grateful for my mental stamina.
I am grateful that my boyfriend and I get to go to Sonoma next month.
I am grateful that I get to see my niece and nephews in a couple of weeks.
I am grateful for the unexpected surprise.
I am grateful that I get to see them in July.
I am grateful that I got to see them in April.
I am grateful that I had work to sustain me all of April.
I am grateful that I have had the time and energy to write.
I am grateful to put my feet up.
I am grateful for my computer.
I am grateful for continued success.
I am grateful for the color blue.
I am grateful for this pilot.
I am grateful to signs from the Universe.
I am grateful for my friend Molly.
I am grateful that she put me in touch with a medium I am going to see in July.
I am grateful for renewed and newly discovered spirituality.
I am grateful for the Universe's favor.
I am grateful for countless songs in my iTunes library.
I am grateful for Beth Ditto and Gossip.
I am grateful for the opportunity to go back to Portland several times a year.
I am grateful for love in my life.
I am grateful that my boyfriend keeps checking in with me.
I am grateful that I still have four hours.
I am grateful for water.
I am grateful for today.
I am grateful that my car works.
I am grateful for every day blessings.
I am grateful for extraordinary blessings.
I am grateful for money.
I am grateful for being grateful.
I am grateful for that funny series of videos from The View this morning.
I am grateful that the co-hosts reunited.
I am grateful that Rosie and Elizabeth sat next to each other.
I am grateful to be reminded that The View started the year I moved to NYC.
I am grateful that so many good things have happened since then.
I am grateful for the cute blond guy with a buzz cut that just walked by and distracted me.
I am grateful for happy accidents.
I am grateful for purpose.
I am grateful for a groove.
I am grateful for Oprah and Shirley Maclaine.
I am grateful for Amy Sedaris who makes me laugh.
I am grateful for fade outs in music.
I am grateful for Jeff Buckley.
I am grateful for Lilac Wine.
I am grateful for Four Women.
I am grateful for Nina Simone.
I am grateful for dance training.
I am grateful that I get to see Sarah, TWB, V, James, Leanne, Rob, Russ, Katie, Jeanine and other friends in two weeks.
I am grateful for time.
I am grateful for old Chinese men who remind me of my father.
I am grateful for my father, who's the reason I feel comfortable in places like this.
I am grateful for high voices in men.
I am grateful for the cool air when I arrived and the cool air when I leave.
I am grateful that I did not see the Sun today.
I am grateful that I set a goal and I am hitting it.
I am grateful.

Mid Process

I think this is the hardest time.

When you're in the middle of the pool,
your legs are tired,
your arms are tired,
your breathing is heavy,
and you have to WILL yourself
to the other side.
It is too late to turn around,
it will take as much energy to turn back
as it will to move forward.
Because if you fail,
you fail because you didn't try.
The secret
is that your willpower or
the threat of
shame and embarrassment
will get you to the end.
Sometimes it's a bit of all of those things.
Sometimes it's strength,
sometimes it's fear,
sometimes it's embarrassment,
sometimes it's codependence.
But whatever it is,
that energy gets you to where you need to be.
And then you get stronger and there's
less shame
less embarrassment
less fear
the next time.
And more strength in its place.

But this is the hardest time.

I have finished a completed draft of the script.
I need to clean it up.
But right now I am writing my story document.
I am explaining what this is
and why this is
and how it will be.

I know there are a few select things that I have to get across.
And if I get those things across,
and if I can grab the attention of the people selecting projects,
draw them in,
then I'm golden.

The writing will fall into place.
The story will fall into place.
But I need to communicate the reason that this story needs to be.
That is the most important thing.

I am grateful for nine hours of work I have now put in.
I am grateful for a place to let my mind be free.
I am grateful for the work I have done so far.
I am grateful that I had a script already written and a story bible already written when this opportunity came to my attention.
I am grateful that I know what Season One will be already.

Jamming and Cramming

I have been at the Korean Spa for four hours.  Good for me.

Here's the goal: I will be done by Noon.

Then I can get to the work of figuring out what this series is and deal with the rest of my application.  Do that work between 12-4 PM.  Then get back to work on one last pass. Check in with my friends about evening plans later.

I'm going to stay here at the Spa all day.  Avoid the sweltering heat.  Get work done. Artistic Asylum.

I wrote a play in February.
I wrote this pilot and story bible in March.
I worked in April.
I am taking all of May to write.
Then I'm renting an office in June to start on new projects.

This is my schedule.  I'm alternating between making money and taking time off to write.  I like that schedule.  I am making that schedule work for myself.  And I am creating an environment where I still have the energy to write.  So yes, I am jamming and cramming.  But it's not like I didn't have any time to write until now.  I put the work in.  The opportunities presented themselves and continue to present themselves.  And I am taking full advantage of them.

My horoscope said that May is the time to work.  And to that end, I decided that I am going to write a House of Cards spec from May 18-May 30.  I need to continue to put the energy out there that I want to work.  And I need to have money in my pocket to pay my bills to make sure that when these opportunities become mine, that I can afford to take them.

I am working in cahoots with the Universe.

I'm also going to go see a medium in Portland in July.  But that's a whole other blog entry.

Working on myself.  And working.
#everythingiswriting

I am grateful that everything I am doing right now is writing.
I am grateful for the revelations that are coming to me.
I am grateful for generous friends offering free or discounted workspace to me.
I am grateful for friends offering to take me to see plays.
I am grateful for a widening artistic community that is keeping me inspired.
I am grateful for the Wi Spa where I am able to get work done.
I am grateful for a mini in town writing retreat.

Retreat's Over…Now What?

I drove back town to LA yesterday.  My due date is tomorrow for the pilot.

I have 10 pages.

Normally, that would send me into a panic.  Okay, full disclosure, I am not without panic.  Or at least worry.  But I know what I have.  I know what I need to do.  The anxiety just isn't worth it.  It really isn't.  Get the work done.  That's all that matters.

I spent Monday reoutlining and adding in the scenes into this new draft that make my point.  I did my note cards over the weekend.  I got up early on Tuesday morning and started writing.  That went very well.  I was hoping to get some work done after my dinner with my friend Rachel, who I haven't seen in a decade.  But with the drive and then dinner, even though I didn't drink too much, I was exhausted and just wanted to watch some bad TV and hang out with my boyfriend.

So here I am.  Wednesday.  Retreat's over.  Now what?

I need to remember to continue to give love to myself.  It's easy to get into cram mode and just panic.  That has never served me.  I have to remember that I have all the time in the world.  I have all of the time in the world.

Today's plan is to take care of some home business.  Then to get to the work of finishing the pilot.  I would love it if I made it all the way to the end today and then worked on all of my supplemental materials tomorrow.  I have a bio already.  I have a story document that outlines the first season of the show already.  I need to write a synopsis of the pilot.  But I came prepared with a lot of this stuff already and story ideas.  I am not creating this from the ether with two days to go.  I wrote a pilot script.  I have a ton of ideas written down.

I need to focus on the style and energy of the pilot.  I have to make sure my idea for this character and this journey really comes through with a laser focus.  That is my only job.  The actual writing of it can just be what it is.  I don't need to put my energy there.  I just need to make sure that every scene vibrates with who this guy is.  That's my job.

I can get this done.  I got a lot done on the retreat.  It was well worth it.

I am grateful for focus.
I am grateful for the ability to see that everything I've done has been writing.
I am grateful for my own belief in myself.

This Does Not Have to be Good

There's a writing exercise that's all about writing a bad scene.  Or a bad play.

The point is to take the pressure off trying to make everything perfect right away.
It's about getting out of your head.
It's about freedom.
It's about letting go.
It's a great exercise.

I was talking to a friend of mine who had lunch with the woman who's running a program that I'm applying to.  I have to submit a pilot with a concept for the first season.  He told me that the woman told him that it wasn't about how good the writing was.  It was more about the idea.

So here's how I'm choosing to interpret that: write a bad pilot.

Not that I'm literally going to write something awful.  But I'm going to worry more about the idea coming across than the writing being pretty.

Of course, it's impossible for me to do that entirely.  But I'm going to take the pressure off of myself to have a draft that's perfect perfect perfect.  As long as I convey the idea, I'm going to consider that a success.

As long as I have the mechanics down and the scenes laid out, then I'm all good.  It will also make the pilot easier to write with all of the mechanics in place.

I also have to remember that I have the pilot already.  The elements are there.  I know what this pilot is about.  I just have to tighten the screws.

That's all this is: tightening the screws.

Whatever I can do to take the pressure off myself.

I'm making notecards.

I am grateful for intel.
I am grateful that the Universe keeps telling me that writing this pilot is important.
I am grateful that the Universe is telling me that May is an important month.
I am grateful that it's enough that I show up.
I am grateful that I've had this time.

Retreat: Writing in an Idyllic Setting

I have pretty much lucked out all week by being here in Monterey, in this beautiful setting.  I could go for runs and look out on beautiful sights.  I could go grab tea and a snack whenever I wanted.  There's a Whole Foods in a five minute walk from where I am staying.  It really is unreal.

But it was my reality this week.  And it was a great reality.  It was a reality based on the generosity of a special friend.  We really were able to give something to each other, Molly and I.  We both needed the company of a generous spirit.  So even including the treats here and there, the real repayment was that: my presence, inspiration and generosity of spirit.  Hers was the same.  It was a fair and equal exchange.

I feel the same way about Bill, my friend whose boot camp I attended.  I went up there for a few reasons:

• to be challenged and to test and measure my physical and mental stamina
• to reconnect with a group of guys I really like
• to connect to Bill's wonderful spirit and wisdom

Molly and Bill are two friends who are not in the arts.  They are two people who love me and have directly and indirectly supported my work by inviting me up to stay with them during the week.  I guess I learned something this week.  I learned that I had friends who want to help me out.  The first thing I thought about when wanting to do a writers retreat was that I would love to stay in Sonoma at Bill's pool house or go up to Molly's.  I didn't feel like I could ask them directly.  It felt like I would be taking advantage of our friendship in some way.  But Molly reached out when I said I needed a place to retreat.  And when I saw Bill, he mentioned that his property would be available to me if it was empty.  I was kind of blown away by that.  I have great friends who find value in our friendship.  I don't know why that's so surprising to me.  I know I'm a good friend.  I just didn't realize how much it paid to be good to someone.  

I have some friends who are creative types who are not as generous.  Maybe it's because they don't want to take opportunities away from themselves.  But it really disturbs me and it makes me want to distance myself from them.  I have certain friends who are only generous when a need serves them.  And I have done some great things for friends as favors to help them out and have not always gotten paid back in kind.  

My best friend in the world who is highly creative is one of the most generous people I know, with her time and with her advice.  Sometimes with a lunch or dinner as well.  But she's also one of the most secure in her skin about who she is.  True, she's neurotic like all of us and modest.  But the core of her being is confidence in who she is, so she doesn't have to take anything away from anyone else and she's not threatened by anyone else's success.  I guess that's the barometer for me.

This has been a beautiful week.  I have been surrounded by friendship and love.  I have been given the opportunity to do this again in some form.  I now know how to recreate this, either with less or more resources.  I now have this safe space for myself in which to create and to blossom.  I would love to come back here to Monterey.  I would love to go to Sonoma and write.  I would love to do a yoga retreat with Bill at some point in the future.  I would love to get away.  And I would love to have the feeling of getting away while I'm writing even if I'm doing it in town.

The idyllic setting can be anywhere, as long as it's the setting of my choosing and as long as its a setting that makes me feel good.

I am grateful for the love of friendship.

I am grateful for invitations to spend time in beautiful settings and be creative.

I am grateful for discussions of home furnishings.

I am grateful to be expressive of who I am.

I am grateful that the path I am meant to take is becoming clearer to me.

Everything is Writing

Boot Camp was brutal.
I said that I wanted to come up and do it because I wanted a challenge.
I wanted to be punished.
I wanted to push my mental and physical stamina.

I got all of that.

We ran down Crissy Beach in the Presidio, down a flight of steps and back up.  Three times.
Then we went down and did some push ups.
Then we went down some steeper steps and back up.  Gloriously, only once.
Then some dips.
And some more push ups, declines.
Then I blacked out.
Not really, but everything after that is a blur.
But I stuck with it and I didn't quit.
Even as hard as it got
and as slow as I got.
I didn't quit.  And I didn't fall behind.
At the end, I was done
mainly because I knew it was the end and my mind
was telling me that I was done.
But I finished strong.
We did a few standing balance stretches
and I rocked those.
But my abs in general need some work.
My core.
There are lessons in those two hours I spent running in the sand
and pushing through resistance.
Doing drills.
Yelling and screaming and cursing.
Big lessons.

Then we came back and had pizza and champagne on the deck back at Bill's.
And the boys convinced me to stay the night.
Get some work done in the afternoon and stay the night.
So I agreed.
And I drank a bit.
And I had great conversations.
Bill and I went and grabbed some food later
and I came and tried to work, but instead
took a nap.
It was a good long nap.  I let my body recuperate.
Another lesson.

Then I woke up and Bill and I had a conversation
about life and work
and changes in life and relationships.
That was worth staying for.

And we went out that night
and danced a bit
then came home and went to bed.

Now I'm up writing early,
looking out my window out to the balcony in
my guest room.
Not a cloud in the sky.  Perfectly clear and perfectly blue.
I know i have work to do.
I'm trying not to think about it because
it will be there for me waiting when I get back.
And that's enough.

I am ready for the drive back
maybe with a few stops.
Maybe with a bit of nostalgia along the way.
Maybe doing some writing in a different setting.
Maybe going down the coast and stopping at some coastal towns
I have not explored yet.
Just like one has to trick one's body into working a certain way:
muscle confusion.
I need to trick my mind into doing more work
by switching things up:
mind confusion.

I think I need to come up with a better name for that.

I am grateful for cocktails and dancing with friends last night.
I am grateful for pure joy.
I am grateful that I helped break a stage,
but didn't break my neck when that stage came crashing down.
I am grateful for waking up early and having a view to greet me.
I am grateful for the generosity of true friends.
I am grateful that gratitude goes both ways.